How do you make people understand?
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Why does everything have to be the way HE wants it to be? Why is it that SHE has to continually compromise? Can he not go for a bike ride or a home packed picnic or a drive to look at Christmas lights, movies, dancing? I think the OP should have the right to make a few decisions too!
Her GOAL is to eat healthy, home cooked food that can be logged accurately, most of the days of her life. When going out exceeds staying in week after week, it becomes very difficult to say you are achieving your GOAL! If it were one week here or there, it would be easy to make concessions and switch her diet around...but OP has stated over and over that this is happening constantly.
If i didn't know better Blessed, I would say you and I were married to the same man.0 -
Blessed, I feel for both you and your husband. My wife was very sick and heavy as she gained her health back and started losing weight I was happy, but I felt constrained by the change in lifestyle. It took several months after she 'seemed healthy' to me before I really GOT it. I know that it was difficult for her during those months and as she stuck to her guns and kept talking to me about her struggles I started to understand and embrace New Lifestyle. I had to get with the program to keep up with the love of my life. One suggestion for the near future you might consider dropping back to maintenance until after the holidays along with looking at your calorie intake as a weekly goal rather than a daily goal. That would give you some wiggle room and resetting your goals resets the parameters in the database and will update the calculations for you successful weight loss thus far. And Prayer works.0
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This is why I don't have a husband. I would just say "I'm not doing that", and that would be the end of the discussion. I don't do that whole "compromise" thing. :devil:
I don't have a husband, but I do have friends and coworkers who try to foist high-calorie goodies at me. I just look at them, look at the gooey mass of calories, look at them, and say "no thanks!" with the biggest, cheesiest smile I can muster. Yeah, nobody makes me do something I don't want to do. :bigsmile: Honestly, I have begun to enjoy the experience a bit. It's kind of fun to watch their obvious attempts at sabotage fall flat. :bigsmile:
And really, that's what it is. If they know someone is trying to lose weight, and they knowingly and deliberately try to lead her away from her calorie goals, they're sabotaging her. They're not being "nice", I don't care how good that casserole smells. They're trying to knock her off the wagon. And that's a pretty crappy thing to do, if you ask me.0 -
People can't even understand that everyone should be treated equally... You can't make anyone do anything.0
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Not socializing isn't a long term solution - learn how to eat right at these parties and you're less likely to gain weight next year when you're in maintenance at this time.0
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I wouldn't mind going to the movies, or for a walk, or sending the kids to a babysitter while we stayed home, ate healthy food, and spent some time dancing.
^^Have you told him this, specifically?
Also, I admire your commitment to your goals. I really do! However, if you don't find a way to fit dessert in your life, I don't know how sustainable this will be long term. Maybe, desserts aren't a big deal to you and you're getting enjoyment out of the types of foods you are eating and don't want dessert. If so, ignore me. But, if you don't allow yourself a little bit of freedom, you may end up back where you were. Personally, if I REALLY want dessert, but know it's not really in my budget. I have 1-2 TINY bites of cake, or whatever is being offered. I use will power to not eat more than that, and savor each bite. Seriously...everyone needs to back off when I'm savoring my bites. It's that serious. :laugh:
All kidding aside, this change is about learning balance and moderation, in my opinion. Have A BITE of cake once in a while. Good luck to you!0 -
The one point I'd like everyone to get is that I am not saying I NEVER can make exceptions or go out, I am saying it can't happen all-the-time-several-times-a-week.
Personally, I wouldn't want to go out to dinner several times/week every week either...especially this time of year when there's so much extra stuff to do.
OP you had said your husband won't compromise? What happens if you just say no to the multiple nights out?0 -
Well thanks everyone for your suggestions. My last reply made me realize that I've gained so many positive things on this journey. I am not sure what I'll do with this problem with my husband, but I know I won't let it get me off track. I'm enjoying my new life too much for that.
Congratulations to you for the loss, and all the positive things that are happening due to your changes! I don't think you are hiding in your house, I think your goals and interests are different from your husband, and the reason he all the sudden wants to do all these things is he sees those things changing and doesn't see a place for him...You really need to sit down and spell it out for him. I doubt, if he loves you, that he is purposefully trying to sabotage you...it could just be he feels left out, or like he isn't getting enough attention.
As far as not being able to plan for eating out 3 nights a week...you have a couple options..
1. Flat out say no..Usually for me this works because I buy the groceries, do the meal planning, and cook..so if I have something in the fridge that is going to go bad..it has to be taken care of.
2. Hop on the computer or your smart phone (if you have one) and look at the restaurants menu real quick..if they don't have a menu on line suggest another restaurant, or look for the leaner choices when you get there. If he is always taking you for fast food..see option 1.
3. Eat whatever you want, and suggest a walk together after dinner, or hit the gym extra hard the next day...I can't tell you how many times I've done my regular routine and added 30 minutes on the eliptical or treadmill to give me a little more wiggle room.
Either way, keep up the good work, it does get easier..My parents still try to bring over cookies all the time, but now they see the progress I'm making and they will bring me a healthy treat too. :-)0 -
Ha! My thoughts too! (Although I do have a long term partner who apparently isn't bothered by it :P)This is why I don't have a husband. I would just say "I'm not doing that", and that would be the end of the discussion. I don't do that whole "compromise" thing. :devil:
OP, your situation sounds very frustrating, and more difficult to handle because it's Christmas. If it were any other time of the year, I'd probably suggest you take the 'individual' approach and just tell him outright that you don't want to do those things and why. In the absence of that, I second other posters' suggestions of trying to:
- Pre-empt his plans with date plans of your own which don't revolve around food. (Or even counteract them by suggesting ones that involve exercise?)
- Try to either eat healthily before a night out (and just go for drinks) or order 'off menu', even just asking for salads without dressing etc.
- Just go with it, set yourself to maintainence cals over Christmas and start dieting again in the New Year.
Good luck
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It seems like he wants to spend time with you. How about taking him somewhere that either fits into your diet or that doesn't revolve around food at all?0
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What restaurants are you going to that don't have vegetables and protein? You just need to get more verbal about what you'd like at those places. I'm vegan and have found most all restaurants to be very accomodating.
Just because you go to a dessert event doesn't mean you have to over indulge. Allow yourself one thing and just enjoy the rest of the event.
You're making this much harder than it has to be.0 -
What restaurants are you going to that don't have vegetables and protein? You just need to get more verbal about what you'd like at those places. I'm vegan and have found most all restaurants to be very accomodating.
Just because you go to a dessert event doesn't mean you have to over indulge. Allow yourself one thing and just enjoy the rest of the event.
You're making this much harder than it has to be.
In other words, "just do what HE wants, and jump through hoops to achieve your weight loss goals in spite of all the obstacles he tries to put in your path". Does that about sum it up? :huh:0 -
I understand where you are coming from. All I can say is to remind him you are trying to live a healthier lifestyle and that includes eating consciously .(sorry if I misspelled that, lol) Now for the trip try to plan ahead on what foods to look for when dining out. Typically you are served a fairly large plate. Only eat half and take the other half back for an eat in day. If bread is involved you can set it to the side. Drink a tall glass of water before you eat. As far as the birthdays go, aim for a small piece of cake(flip it upside down or remove some of the icing.
What I am trying to learn now is that it is okay to "sample" to satisfy cravings . When I say sample it just means taking a small piece or two to satisfy any craving you may have. The holidays is very difficult when it comes to eating healthier because there are so many parties/celebrations/gatherings and it can be difficult to avoid them. Just plan ahead of what you want to avoid, sample, and eat.0 -
This is what i said earlier:
It is nice that your husband wants to spend time with you. Why don't you beat him to the punch and plan the dates yourself & pick places you've researched for good menu options.
It sounds like your husband loves you a lot and enjoys your company. Sit down with him...hold his hand and tell him you are trying to lose weight because you are fighting for your life. Tell him you want to enjoy him and your kids for many years to come. Tell him it's very hard for you to control what you eat when your blood sugar levels take control of your appetite. If he subsequently ignores your desire then you just gotta know that you are alone in your quest. Think of each situation as a little angel on one shoulder and a little devil on the other...you get to smile internally each time you pick the angel.
If you have to go somewhere like a potluck and you know there won't be any good choices...pack your own little potluck meal to take with you.
No one can force feed you. Stick to your calorie allocation and you will come home feeling triumphant. Good Holidays to you :O)
I'll add this: YOU are trying to change the dynamics of your relationship with husband and food. You used to have fun doing all the things your husband is still wanting to have fun doing. You have stopped the train wreck in it's tracks and you are reversing the engines and making your health and mental well being better. You have talked with your husband and HE still wants the lifestyle he had before WITH you. You cannot change his mind. If he truly cares about you and wants to see you enjoying yourself then it will not be fun for him to sit across the restaurant table of his choice watching you order nothing or something unappetizing. He will change the restaurant choices if this is true.
I used to talk with my husband about trying to change my eating habits. He would listen and nod and 2 hours later come home from getting gas and throw a super sized nutty buddy in my lap upon returning. I finally had to get out of the chair and take the nutty buddy and put it down the disposal in front of him. After doing this in numerous ways he finally stopped trying to change my thought pattern on food. He's slim and can eat whatever/however much he wants. He loves me like crazy and just can't relate to me needing to eat less than he does. 32 years married and just 1-2 pounds a year (10-20 calories too much daily) adds up. I still go out all the time with him but I have stopped eating like him. I control what and how much I put in my mouth and I can do it anywhere now. Even Olive Garden has a delicious lobster canelloni for under 600 calories. You are in charge and you can do it :0)0 -
If you are going to make this your lifestyle and you want it to stick, then you need to learn to be able to go out to eat, go to potlucks, enjoy a weekend getaway with your husband while you are eating healthy. Just because you are eating healthy does not mean you are not eating. You just need to order smartly when you are out to eat or at potlucks.
A change in your diet should not change your social life or make it impossible to enjoy going out.0 -
What restaurants are you going to that don't have vegetables and protein? You just need to get more verbal about what you'd like at those places. I'm vegan and have found most all restaurants to be very accomodating.
Just because you go to a dessert event doesn't mean you have to over indulge. Allow yourself one thing and just enjoy the rest of the event.
You're making this much harder than it has to be.
In other words, "just do what HE wants, and jump through hoops to achieve your weight loss goals in spite of all the obstacles he tries to put in your path". Does that about sum it up? :huh:
Yep, looks like that is what 75% of the responses say. I am stunned!!0 -
If you don't want dessert, don't eat dessert.
There are always diet-friendly options at restaurants.
Eat before going to parties.
It sounds to me like you have a great husband. No one can keep you from your goals except yourself.0 -
What restaurants are you going to that don't have vegetables and protein? You just need to get more verbal about what you'd like at those places. I'm vegan and have found most all restaurants to be very accomodating.
Just because you go to a dessert event doesn't mean you have to over indulge. Allow yourself one thing and just enjoy the rest of the event.
You're making this much harder than it has to be.
In other words, "just do what HE wants, and jump through hoops to achieve your weight loss goals in spite of all the obstacles he tries to put in your path". Does that about sum it up? :huh:
Yep, looks like that is what 75% of the responses say. I am stunned!!
I bet if it was a husband asking for advice about his wife's behavior sabotaging his goals, the advice would be very different. :huh:0 -
It seems many people have given you advice and tried to offer opinions and answers to your question, but you have an argument for every one of them. I'll tell you what you want to hear: you're right and he's wrong. stay in the house and never leave and never indulge and never try to eat anything unhealthy. if he doesn't like it then he's a shmuck! good luck!0
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ThriceBlessed, I feel your frustration, both with your husband and with some of the less than supportive responses you have received on this thread. I have no words of wisdom, as I deal with a very similar issue with my family. Every holiday/event/win/loss or day that ends in Y is centered around food. I have struggled with weight all my life, and I finally feel like I am getting some control, but it takes a lot of energy, thought and planning for me to keep it going, and I struggle with the temptations daily. The last minute going out to dinner, church group pitch-in, etc. I know my weaknesses, I know how I react, and it is sometimes best for me to just say no, and avoid the situation. I know how you feel. If I gave in to every request, I would be back to eating out 5 days a week and most likely gaining weight. And yes, like many have said, you can make good choices eating out, but it gets very difficult to do on a daily basis. Even if I do make a better choice, there is the basket of chips at the Mexican restaurant, the rolls on the table, the appetizers that others order, I can't ask for them to be removed from the table, others are enjoying them, and I am weak. So what to do? I pick and choose my treats and my battles. I can't skip Christmas dinner with my family, but I can show up late for the church social and miss the main food event. I can't skip the kiddo birthday parties, but I can go to the other room when the cake is being served. I joined a maintain don't gain group at my gym for November and December, as these are very tough months. Yes, I will be slower to my goal, but I am just trying to not go backwards for now, and hit it hard again in January. Anyway, best of luck to you, and know that there is some understanding out here on the forums!0
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I feel ya. The holidays and weigh loss are hard. Having a social life and eating out and losing weight is super hard. It's not so much about your partner, but about you and the challenges you face.
What it boils down to is that you have changed your habits and home and feel comfortable with those changes. The habits you haven't changed are eating out and social food gatherings. So maybe it's time to level up!
To face your new challenges you need a few new tools. Try a few things and see what you works for you. Here are some ideas to get you started. I'm sure they have already been suggested, but I didn't read all the responses.
1. plan you menu ahead of time- You know you are going to xyz restaurant for dinner? Look up the menu and decide what you want before you get there.
2. cut it in half-- place your order and ask for a to go container at the same time. Cut your portion in half and immediately put the other half in the doggie bag.
3. order from the senior/kids menu. Or get an appetizer for your entree.
4. Decline the extras- bread baskets/chips and salsa/appetizers/cocktails and beers
5. Decline some invites.
6. stay away from the food tables at potlucks- just plant yourself far away
7. Keep talking to your partner and plan some holiday outings with him on your terms. Xmas tree lights, ice skating, 5k?
8. Take a closer look at your goals. Are they realistic?0 -
I was honestly looking for suggestions on how to get my husband to be a little more understanding of this... instead MOST of the people on this thread jumped all over me telling me what I am doing "wrong". A few of you understood, and tried to suggest some helpful hints....
Yes... I do sometimes have difficulty controlling myself with certain foods or in certain situations... not as much trouble as before... but still some trouble. I recognize that, and am trying to learn to deal with it. But I wouldn't dream of telling an alcoholic, "Look, you are the one with the problem, not your spouse. If he/she wants to take you to a bar, just GO along! You should be able to indulge once in awhile... just don't overdo it! Have a couple of shots, just stop after that!" Nor would I tell them to just go to the bar and order a soda. I would respect that if they feel a bar is not a safe place for them, it probably isn't a safe place for them.
But for now, I need to go workout and get ready for work. Thanks to those who tried to be supportive rather than judgmental.
As someone who spent 2 years in AA, I don't think you realize that this is NOT the same as alcoholism. You HAVE to eat to live; you do not HAVE to drink alcohol to live.
BUT, if you want some AA wisdom, here it is, tailored to YOUR needs:
1. You don't have to eat what's being offered just because you want to. Plain and simple.
2. You can't change others; You can ONLY change you.
YOU control you, and STOP letting others have control over your "recovery." If you feel that it's so important that you can't go to these places, TELL him and stand firm with it, but plan for him to have an equal and opposite reaction, if it doesn't suit him.
Everyone who posted WAS trying to help. The fact that you don't see that shows a lack of "Openmindedness. Willingness. Humilty." Stop being a victim. Realize that you are strong and continue on your path. You have already made great strides. Don't let obstacles stand in your way. Keep going!!!0 -
It seems many people have given you advice and tried to offer opinions and answers to your question, but you have an argument for every one of them. I'll tell you what you want to hear: you're right and he's wrong. stay in the house and never leave and never indulge and never try to eat anything unhealthy. if he doesn't like it then he's a shmuck! good luck!
U mad? :laugh:
She is right. He is wrong. If someone is trying to lose weight, and someone else is always "hey, let's go get dessert!" they ARE being a schmuck. It is not the duty of the wife to always accommodate the schmucky behavior of the husband. Sometimes the wife has to put her own goals first, and the husband can just get glad in the same pants he got mad in.0 -
Just my two cents....
Let me start off by saying that I have not read any of the other relies so if I repeat something that was said I apologize.
When I started this lifestyle I dropped 66 lbs. So, let’s begin with the items you can control….he is not one of those.
1. This is a lifestyle change not a diet. Once you get to understand that things will get so much easier for you. I know I use to laugh at people who said that but know I get it. I exercise to eat!
2. There isn’t a restaurant in the world I cannot eat at. Just because they put large portions on the plat does not mean I have to eat it all. Additionally, last time I looked myfitnesspal’s food database has restaurant food in it.
3. Holidays are a great time to use maintenance mode while continuing to exercise. This, for me, relieves a bit of worrying about over eating and allows me to eat a little extra.
4. Remember your calories do not expire at midnight. Learn to modify as needed and move on. If your goal is to lose weight by the holidays then look at that whole time frame and figure out what your calories can be. For example at 1800 calories a day over a 10 day period I can eat 18000 calories total and not gain a pound. So myfitnesspal tells me each day not to eat more than 1800 calories but on Monday I eat 2100 calories and on Tuesday I eat 1500 calories for my two days I’m still eating my 3600 calories. Work your calories around the schedule of these events.
5. Learn to exercise to eat….You’ll learn how much exercise
Based on your comments I’m not sure what it is your husband is doing wrong? Is he forcing you to eat food? There is nothing he needs to know it’s all in your reaction to the actions that happen around you when it applies to eating.
As a matter of fact my original plan was to go into maintenance mode after thanksgiving however, after we had out office potluck I decided now was the time…because there was some great food to be eaten. I’m going to stay in this mode until the last week of the year as this is the week our company goes on shutdown for two week. That will leave me ample opportunity to do additional exercising. I eat a bowl of sherbet/ice cream at the end of most nights!!
If your husband would like I’d be happy to join him on the get a ways, parties, dates, etc!
Best of luck to you!
PS....I take my wife to places I know is hard for me to eat at...Olive Garden is a good example....the only thing I eat there is the lasagna. This leaves me additional calories to eat the bread! "Modify and Move On" is what I always say!0 -
It seems many people have given you advice and tried to offer opinions and answers to your question, but you have an argument for every one of them. I'll tell you what you want to hear: you're right and he's wrong. stay in the house and never leave and never indulge and never try to eat anything unhealthy. if he doesn't like it then he's a shmuck! good luck!
U mad? :laugh:
She is right. He is wrong. If someone is trying to lose weight, and someone else is always "hey, let's go get dessert!" they ARE being a schmuck. It is not the duty of the wife to always accommodate the schmucky behavior of the husband. Sometimes the wife has to put her own goals first, and the husband can just get glad in the same pants he got mad in.
I love the glad/mad pants! I'm keeping that one.
If I came home and my husband decided to change plans without asking me and just announced "We are going out." I'd pretty much tell him to pound sand. Why does he get to decide everything? No way would I just go along. It's not compromise if it's one-sided...0 -
OP, I definitely understand your frustration. It can be hard to deal with temptations around the holidays and it seems like your husband may not understand why it is so difficult. I'm sure he loves you a great deal and is trying to be romantic, which is so wonderful! Have you mentioned to him that there are certain goals you still want to accomplish between now and the trip?
Stay strong and hang in there! It looks like you're doing quite well and you have your head on your shoulders.0 -
I understand your problem precisely. When people say "this should be a way of life" my response is "no, I don't want to be stuck on 1200 calories for the rest of my life. When I achieve a desirable weight I will be on a desirable number of calories more like 1900 or 2000 which will be ALOT easier to live with".
You need to sit him down and talk to him about this, or just show him the message you wrote initially at the start of this thread as it explains clearly how you feel. The cause of my eating kp and going off the rails is always dome event or dinner out that gets excessive so it's necessary to cut down on them. It's as a sacrifice for you and a small sacrifice for your hubby.
I rarely eat out at the mo and on the odd occasion I do it's only at restaurants where the fishes have nutritional info available.0 -
Thriceblessed,
Hi,
Wow, I completely understand your predicament. I fret over going to parties and dinners because of the risk of losing control. However, it sounds to me like you know how to manage your "lifestyle" under conditions you've defined as doable; it is the fact that your husband's lifestyle varies radically from yours.
Have you had a hear to heart talk with him to discuss your concerns? Maybe work out a deal that is acceptable to both of you - something like we can eat out every week on this day and with the money we save on not eating out, we can use on our trip for more lavish places (perhaps with better healthy choices).
Good luck Thriceblessed. I think you can work this out - in the mean time, before going out, drink a lot of water, eat high fiber/fulfilling foods and when at the party/restaurant/event eat small portions very slowly.
James
See my weightloss journey at Fitterzone.com0 -
My husband likes me to eat too. So I save a good portion of my calories for when he will be around. Usually dinner time. Since your husband seems to focus on your diet or be around every two days, perhaps you can invent the very first "alternate day" diet.0
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I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned it, but you know, there is a middle ground here. Just set your calories to maintain for the next month and call it good. It'll give you enough calories to enjoy yourself without feeling like you are going totally off track. You can keep logging.
There, problem solved.
You're welcome :flowerforyou:0
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