How do you make people understand?

It seems many people have given you advice and tried to offer opinions and answers to your question, but you have an argument for every one of them. I'll tell you what you want to hear: you're right and he's wrong. stay in the house and never leave and never indulge and never try to eat anything unhealthy. if he doesn't like it then he's a shmuck! good luck!

U mad? :laugh:

She is right. He is wrong. If someone is trying to lose weight, and someone else is always "hey, let's go get dessert!" they ARE being a schmuck. It is not the duty of the wife to always accommodate the schmucky behavior of the husband. Sometimes the wife has to put her own goals first, and the husband can just get glad in the same pants he got mad in.

Nope! Just telling OP what she wants to hear

ETA. also, kiiiinda seems like you just said exactly what i said in my comment. glad we're on the same page!

It seems many people have given you advice and tried to offer opinions and answers to your question, but you have an argument for every one of them. I'll tell you what you want to hear: you're right and he's wrong. stay in the house and never leave and never indulge and never try to eat anything unhealthy. if he doesn't like it then he's a shmuck! good luck!

U mad? :laugh:

She is right. He is wrong. If someone is trying to lose weight, and someone else is always "hey, let's go get dessert!" they ARE being a schmuck. It is not the duty of the wife to always accommodate the schmucky behavior of the husband. Sometimes the wife has to put her own goals first, and the husband can just get glad in the same pants he got mad in.

Nope! Just telling OP what she wants to hear

This is correct. Because the OP is the one on the diet, on MFP, and on this thread looking for advice. She is the one who can be changed/corrected. She is also the only one she has control over. This is not a men vs. women situation. It is a me versus not me situation. I can ONLY work on me. Solutions that the OP can implement are helpful. Solutions that force the OP who is already in this position which implies her family dynamic is such that she considers her husbands feelings to then reject or upset that family dynamic are 1) probably not viable and thus not helpful to OP's diet and 2) could be detrimental to her family dynamic.

Step 1: Realize this is a personal choice for you. This means you don't NEED other people to understand. You don't NEED people to support your choice. You don't need to ruin everyone else's holiday cheer to accomplish it.

Step 2: Realize that you can still participate in group situations that revolve around food and still stick to your plan. There are a few options here. You can go and NOT partake in the food (this might get some comments just say you aren't hungry). You can go and eat within your calorie allowance. You can go and eat above your allowance and make up for it by eating less that day/some other time that week/adding a few extra cardio sessions in.

^^^this absolutely to the letter, you want to change yourself you have to make sacrifices, go enjoy but only nibble or if you can't manage to nibble eat nothing.
My OH pushes food at me all the time he is very insecure I have decided to just say thankyou and either bin it or make it fit into my week, he can't help being the way he is and there is no point in going over and over old ground. Let him treat you its his way of showing he loves you; by trying to stop him you will only make him more insecure, if that is what is causing this change in his attention.

It seems many people have given you advice and tried to offer opinions and answers to your question, but you have an argument for every one of them. I'll tell you what you want to hear: you're right and he's wrong. stay in the house and never leave and never indulge and never try to eat anything unhealthy. if he doesn't like it then he's a shmuck! good luck!

U mad? :laugh:

She is right. He is wrong. If someone is trying to lose weight, and someone else is always "hey, let's go get dessert!" they ARE being a schmuck. It is not the duty of the wife to always accommodate the schmucky behavior of the husband. Sometimes the wife has to put her own goals first, and the husband can just get glad in the same pants he got mad in.

Nope! Just telling OP what she wants to hear

This is correct. Because the OP is the one on the diet, on MFP, and on this thread looking for advice. She is the one who can be changed/corrected. She is also the only one she has control over. This is not a men vs. women situation. It is a me versus not me situation. I can ONLY work on me. Solutions that the OP can implement are helpful. Solutions that force the OP who is already in this position which implies her family dynamic is such that she considers her husbands feelings to then reject or upset that family dynamic are 1) probably not viable and thus not helpful to OP's diet and 2) could be detrimental to her family dynamic.

if it were my situation i could go one of two ways. 1) i could just say no to my loving husband who wants to take me out on the town. i could get in the kitchen and make myself something healthy if thats what i really wanted. i could be responsible for my goals. 2) i could go out and enjoy myself responsibly and not be so serious about such a strict diet plan, and still be responsible for my goals..
but people have said that over and over throughout this thread and she has an excuse or argument to it all. the simple answer to her original question is "talk to him and make him understand." but again, OP wont accept that as an answer and makes excuses. so yeah, theres my answer and above is the answer i feel she wants to hear.
I think OP has done a great job losing weight and it's awesome that she wants to keep losing, more power to her! the end

Relationship wise- Have you ever read the "5 Love Languages?" A tip is that your spouse's love language is the thing they complain about the most. It sounds like his love language is "Quality Time."

He may also have the blues from the change in weather which can cause cravings for garbage foods as we hibernate ourselves away.

So if you get a chance, take the Love Languages quiz online (google it!).

Secondly I would say something someone posted on Facebook (my BeachBody coach actually). It was "Taste Everything, Eat Nothing." She had a plan to try a little of everything at her Thanksgiving Family Gathering but was not going to heap mounds of food on her plate.

And if you don't like something they offer (for example I do not like chocolate cake) then just say, "Oh- thank you but no. I don't care for chocolate cake" and see if they can offer you a fruit dish at this fancy dessert place!!

Best of luck!

You win the thread! this is the best advice i've read on here.. I read the love languages book and took the quiz, it helped my relationship significantly and helped me understand my SO better.

I think I understand what you're saying regarding why this is potentially problematic. You already understand that you can try to "make it fit your macros" as some people are suggesting, but they apparently aren't taking into consideration the adherence/preferential factors involved in substituting restaurant food/deserts for other options.

It sounds to me like you get it, you're just overwhelmed with the frequency at which these events are coming up and if you feel that you are continually forced to "fit" some dessert or other energy dense food into your macros, the remainder of that day is probably not going to be very satisfying and you risk going over.

Additionally, while I'm a big promoter of flexible dieting, I think people may be overlooking the fact that given 1600 calories and 100g protein as your target intake, your available fat/carb macros aren't all that high, and those restrictions make it a lot harder for you to try and fit things in. Someone like me who bulks on 3400+ and cuts on 2200-2400 will have a significantly easier time with food selection simply because my bank of discretionary intake is much larger.

As far as solutions to this, I think you need to look at this from multiple directions.

1) Consider which of these events it's more important for you to eat at and which of these events would YOU be more comfortable just having a coffee. This would potentially allow you to "skip" some of these from a dietary perspective while not actually skipping the event itself.

2) Consider having a very polite and non-attacking chat with your husband, not to tell him that he can't take you out, but to explain to him your goals, the challenges you face, and how you feel. Then, when you're done telling him these things, close your mouth and listen to his reply. You really should feel lucky that he wants to take you out. It's not his fault that you are dieting but at the same time it may be helpful for him to understand you on this, and vise versa.

3) Look to see if there are ways you can increase food volume and satiety on days surrounding the events and consider ways to shave off calories so that you can provide a small buffer on the days you go out. For example, if you have a week where you're going to go out 3 nights, can you reduce your intake the other 4 nights to 1400, and be a bit more strict with food selection (more fibrous green vegetables for one example, since that would provide you with good nutrient density, a lot of food volume, likely promoting satiety at a low calorie cost)...? This would give you another 800 calories to work with in terms of providing a bit of a buffer on the "days out". Furthermore, if you decide to only eat on 2 of those 3 days and just have some coffee or socialize on the other day, that's another 400 calories on each of those two nights. That should make things substantially easier.

4) Finally, I would really urge you to not give up on the idea of going out. I would think about ways to make compromises so that you aren't putting stress on your relationship with your husband, you aren't doing harm to your progress or goals, but you also aren't becoming scared of a night out, or several nights out.

5) Edited to add: Perhaps this is an obvious one, but in case it's not -- you should be able to order something like grilled chicken breast, or a steak, and steamed vegetables, and specify that you would like it without cream sauces or butter/etc. This would allow you opportunity to better control total energy intake. I bet at least some places would provide this for you even if it's not on the menu.


There is nothing wrong with choosing not to eat on some (in fact, all) of these occasions. It's going to be a matter of figuring out where you draw the line on that, and then utilizing some of the above to make it easier when you do decide to partake.

Best of luck.

I had a discussion with my husband back in October about how this Holiday season I was going to be sticking to plan as much as possible. That I wouldn't be going to Wednesday night potlucks at our church, that I wouldn't be wanting to go out to eat, or go to Christmas parties.

IMO that is the wrong way to do things. All you are doing is isolating yourself from your "community", and that is completely unsustainable.

You need to find the strength to go, and say "No" to the food.

He is suddenly in this "we don't spend enough time together" mode. He wants to take me out on dates, which always seem to include food. He booked a three day get-a-way for us December 16-18... where our only choice will be to eat at the Hotel restaurant or nearby establishments.

Those are all wonderful things he is doing. He is taking care of his "couples" responsibility - it is now up to you to make smart choices in that context. Being on a diet does not absolve you of your responsibilities towards your partner!

I fully appreciate this is probably not what you wanted to hear. Chalk it up to me being on of the MFP "meanies".

OP have you not considered that maybe your husband is excited to spend time with you? That your weight loss and improved health have resulted in a renewed infatuation? That he's trying to be romantic and caring and loving? These are all good things and you really should get over your attitude about it.

Take time to talk and listen to him. Commit to improving your marriage and find a balance of activities you both like. So you don't like orchestra? Who cares. He does and that's what matters. Do some of what he likes and ask him to do some of what you like. And I bet if you start working on that, he will start listening more to your needs. Marriage is 50/50 - and you need to allow him his 50% too.

If you talk to him about your weight loss and find a balance you *both* can live with/adhere to, I think you both will be much happier in the long run.

All I hear is a lot of complaining about too much interest from your husband. I hope you can take a step back and really think about how your posts come across.

Just a tip that I've been using: When I go out to eat, no matter what I get, whether it be sirloin or salad, I get a to-go box WITH my food. I then split ALL of my food in half, no matter how small the portions look, and take half of it home with me and eat half at the restaurant. It doubles as being awesome because then I get two meals out of it, and also because it keeps me from overeating.

It has never occurred to me to ask for a to-go box at the same time the food arrives. Thanks for the tip.

What restaurants are you going to that don't have vegetables and protein? You just need to get more verbal about what you'd like at those places. I'm vegan and have found most all restaurants to be very accomodating.

Just because you go to a dessert event doesn't mean you have to over indulge. Allow yourself one thing and just enjoy the rest of the event.

You're making this much harder than it has to be.

In other words, "just do what HE wants, and jump through hoops to achieve your weight loss goals in spite of all the obstacles he tries to put in your path". Does that about sum it up? :huh:

Um...that's one way of looking at it. However, marriage is about compromise, so another option is just to figure out how the two of you can meet in the middle on these situations more often. I would assume that even if he is being thoughtless, his goal hopefully is not to sabotage you. Good luck!