How do you make people understand?
Replies
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It seems many people have given you advice and tried to offer opinions and answers to your question, but you have an argument for every one of them. I'll tell you what you want to hear: you're right and he's wrong. stay in the house and never leave and never indulge and never try to eat anything unhealthy. if he doesn't like it then he's a shmuck! good luck!
U mad? :laugh:
She is right. He is wrong. If someone is trying to lose weight, and someone else is always "hey, let's go get dessert!" they ARE being a schmuck. It is not the duty of the wife to always accommodate the schmucky behavior of the husband. Sometimes the wife has to put her own goals first, and the husband can just get glad in the same pants he got mad in.
Nope! Just telling OP what she wants to hear
ETA. also, kiiiinda seems like you just said exactly what i said in my comment. glad we're on the same page!0 -
My poor health sucked the life out of having fun far more than eating healthy does. Constant pain was no fun. Heart rate fluctuations was no fun. Blood sugar problems was no fun. Using a cane and getting out of breath walking was no fun. Eating a grilled chicken breast, doing 30 burpees, and still having energy for an 8 mile hike is now my definition of fun.
Far from hiding in the house, I am finally living. So please everyone, stop telling me I can't "hide in the house" forever. Or that I "have to allow myself to have fun", or that healthy living doesn't have to be "hiding in the house". Get one thing straight, I "hide in the house" a lot less now than I ever used to.
You have been incredibly patient with all these replies. I can understand your frustration. Your husband likes to take you out and that is wonderful, but sabotaging you is not so good. It is hard to resist temptation almost on a daily basis and falling off the diet wagon is not an option at this point after all your hard work. Mine used to do that but I think it was being unsure of where he stood when I got down to where I was a more "attractive" weight. Maybe you scheduling date nights might be the answer as then you can pick the venue, food, etc.
Hang in there girl, enjoy the trip when you go. You can always make good food choices in restaurants and such, and still have the odd treat. I found that gluten free worked to eliminate a lot of things, but that is only part of the plan for me. But, it does help me go past the bread, anything with pasta, and most desserts. You are doing great!
You go girl, you will make it to your goal0 -
It seems many people have given you advice and tried to offer opinions and answers to your question, but you have an argument for every one of them. I'll tell you what you want to hear: you're right and he's wrong. stay in the house and never leave and never indulge and never try to eat anything unhealthy. if he doesn't like it then he's a shmuck! good luck!
U mad? :laugh:
She is right. He is wrong. If someone is trying to lose weight, and someone else is always "hey, let's go get dessert!" they ARE being a schmuck. It is not the duty of the wife to always accommodate the schmucky behavior of the husband. Sometimes the wife has to put her own goals first, and the husband can just get glad in the same pants he got mad in.
Nope! Just telling OP what she wants to hear
This is correct. Because the OP is the one on the diet, on MFP, and on this thread looking for advice. She is the one who can be changed/corrected. She is also the only one she has control over. This is not a men vs. women situation. It is a me versus not me situation. I can ONLY work on me. Solutions that the OP can implement are helpful. Solutions that force the OP who is already in this position which implies her family dynamic is such that she considers her husbands feelings to then reject or upset that family dynamic are 1) probably not viable and thus not helpful to OP's diet and 2) could be detrimental to her family dynamic.0 -
I would NEVER do that to my wife.
First I need to get a wife.0 -
^^^this absolutely to the letter, you want to change yourself you have to make sacrifices, go enjoy but only nibble or if you can't manage to nibble eat nothing.Step 1: Realize this is a personal choice for you. This means you don't NEED other people to understand. You don't NEED people to support your choice. You don't need to ruin everyone else's holiday cheer to accomplish it.
Step 2: Realize that you can still participate in group situations that revolve around food and still stick to your plan. There are a few options here. You can go and NOT partake in the food (this might get some comments just say you aren't hungry). You can go and eat within your calorie allowance. You can go and eat above your allowance and make up for it by eating less that day/some other time that week/adding a few extra cardio sessions in.
My OH pushes food at me all the time he is very insecure I have decided to just say thankyou and either bin it or make it fit into my week, he can't help being the way he is and there is no point in going over and over old ground. Let him treat you its his way of showing he loves you; by trying to stop him you will only make him more insecure, if that is what is causing this change in his attention.0 -
Wow. Your approach to dieting sounds miserable. I'm glad I don't do it that way.0
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It seems many people have given you advice and tried to offer opinions and answers to your question, but you have an argument for every one of them. I'll tell you what you want to hear: you're right and he's wrong. stay in the house and never leave and never indulge and never try to eat anything unhealthy. if he doesn't like it then he's a shmuck! good luck!
U mad? :laugh:
She is right. He is wrong. If someone is trying to lose weight, and someone else is always "hey, let's go get dessert!" they ARE being a schmuck. It is not the duty of the wife to always accommodate the schmucky behavior of the husband. Sometimes the wife has to put her own goals first, and the husband can just get glad in the same pants he got mad in.
Nope! Just telling OP what she wants to hear
This is correct. Because the OP is the one on the diet, on MFP, and on this thread looking for advice. She is the one who can be changed/corrected. She is also the only one she has control over. This is not a men vs. women situation. It is a me versus not me situation. I can ONLY work on me. Solutions that the OP can implement are helpful. Solutions that force the OP who is already in this position which implies her family dynamic is such that she considers her husbands feelings to then reject or upset that family dynamic are 1) probably not viable and thus not helpful to OP's diet and 2) could be detrimental to her family dynamic.
if it were my situation i could go one of two ways. 1) i could just say no to my loving husband who wants to take me out on the town. i could get in the kitchen and make myself something healthy if thats what i really wanted. i could be responsible for my goals. 2) i could go out and enjoy myself responsibly and not be so serious about such a strict diet plan, and still be responsible for my goals..
but people have said that over and over throughout this thread and she has an excuse or argument to it all. the simple answer to her original question is "talk to him and make him understand." but again, OP wont accept that as an answer and makes excuses. so yeah, theres my answer and above is the answer i feel she wants to hear.
I think OP has done a great job losing weight and it's awesome that she wants to keep losing, more power to her! the end 0 -
Relationship wise- Have you ever read the "5 Love Languages?" A tip is that your spouse's love language is the thing they complain about the most. It sounds like his love language is "Quality Time."
He may also have the blues from the change in weather which can cause cravings for garbage foods as we hibernate ourselves away.
So if you get a chance, take the Love Languages quiz online (google it!).
Secondly I would say something someone posted on Facebook (my BeachBody coach actually). It was "Taste Everything, Eat Nothing." She had a plan to try a little of everything at her Thanksgiving Family Gathering but was not going to heap mounds of food on her plate.
And if you don't like something they offer (for example I do not like chocolate cake) then just say, "Oh- thank you but no. I don't care for chocolate cake" and see if they can offer you a fruit dish at this fancy dessert place!!
Best of luck!0 -
Relationship wise- Have you ever read the "5 Love Languages?" A tip is that your spouse's love language is the thing they complain about the most. It sounds like his love language is "Quality Time."
He may also have the blues from the change in weather which can cause cravings for garbage foods as we hibernate ourselves away.
So if you get a chance, take the Love Languages quiz online (google it!).
Secondly I would say something someone posted on Facebook (my BeachBody coach actually). It was "Taste Everything, Eat Nothing." She had a plan to try a little of everything at her Thanksgiving Family Gathering but was not going to heap mounds of food on her plate.
And if you don't like something they offer (for example I do not like chocolate cake) then just say, "Oh- thank you but no. I don't care for chocolate cake" and see if they can offer you a fruit dish at this fancy dessert place!!
Best of luck!
You win the thread! this is the best advice i've read on here.. I read the love languages book and took the quiz, it helped my relationship significantly and helped me understand my SO better.0 -
Just a tip that I've been using: When I go out to eat, no matter what I get, whether it be sirloin or salad, I get a to-go box WITH my food. I then split ALL of my food in half, no matter how small the portions look, and take half of it home with me and eat half at the restaurant. It doubles as being awesome because then I get two meals out of it, and also because it keeps me from overeating.0
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I think I understand what you're saying regarding why this is potentially problematic. You already understand that you can try to "make it fit your macros" as some people are suggesting, but they apparently aren't taking into consideration the adherence/preferential factors involved in substituting restaurant food/deserts for other options.
It sounds to me like you get it, you're just overwhelmed with the frequency at which these events are coming up and if you feel that you are continually forced to "fit" some dessert or other energy dense food into your macros, the remainder of that day is probably not going to be very satisfying and you risk going over.
Additionally, while I'm a big promoter of flexible dieting, I think people may be overlooking the fact that given 1600 calories and 100g protein as your target intake, your available fat/carb macros aren't all that high, and those restrictions make it a lot harder for you to try and fit things in. Someone like me who bulks on 3400+ and cuts on 2200-2400 will have a significantly easier time with food selection simply because my bank of discretionary intake is much larger.
As far as solutions to this, I think you need to look at this from multiple directions.
1) Consider which of these events it's more important for you to eat at and which of these events would YOU be more comfortable just having a coffee. This would potentially allow you to "skip" some of these from a dietary perspective while not actually skipping the event itself.
2) Consider having a very polite and non-attacking chat with your husband, not to tell him that he can't take you out, but to explain to him your goals, the challenges you face, and how you feel. Then, when you're done telling him these things, close your mouth and listen to his reply. You really should feel lucky that he wants to take you out. It's not his fault that you are dieting but at the same time it may be helpful for him to understand you on this, and vise versa.
3) Look to see if there are ways you can increase food volume and satiety on days surrounding the events and consider ways to shave off calories so that you can provide a small buffer on the days you go out. For example, if you have a week where you're going to go out 3 nights, can you reduce your intake the other 4 nights to 1400, and be a bit more strict with food selection (more fibrous green vegetables for one example, since that would provide you with good nutrient density, a lot of food volume, likely promoting satiety at a low calorie cost)...? This would give you another 800 calories to work with in terms of providing a bit of a buffer on the "days out". Furthermore, if you decide to only eat on 2 of those 3 days and just have some coffee or socialize on the other day, that's another 400 calories on each of those two nights. That should make things substantially easier.
4) Finally, I would really urge you to not give up on the idea of going out. I would think about ways to make compromises so that you aren't putting stress on your relationship with your husband, you aren't doing harm to your progress or goals, but you also aren't becoming scared of a night out, or several nights out.
5) Edited to add: Perhaps this is an obvious one, but in case it's not -- you should be able to order something like grilled chicken breast, or a steak, and steamed vegetables, and specify that you would like it without cream sauces or butter/etc. This would allow you opportunity to better control total energy intake. I bet at least some places would provide this for you even if it's not on the menu.
There is nothing wrong with choosing not to eat on some (in fact, all) of these occasions. It's going to be a matter of figuring out where you draw the line on that, and then utilizing some of the above to make it easier when you do decide to partake.
Best of luck.0 -
Have you broken up with your husband yet?
Because I am wide open for dessert night and 3 day retreats.0 -
I had a discussion with my husband back in October about how this Holiday season I was going to be sticking to plan as much as possible. That I wouldn't be going to Wednesday night potlucks at our church, that I wouldn't be wanting to go out to eat, or go to Christmas parties.
IMO that is the wrong way to do things. All you are doing is isolating yourself from your "community", and that is completely unsustainable.
You need to find the strength to go, and say "No" to the food.He is suddenly in this "we don't spend enough time together" mode. He wants to take me out on dates, which always seem to include food. He booked a three day get-a-way for us December 16-18... where our only choice will be to eat at the Hotel restaurant or nearby establishments.
Those are all wonderful things he is doing. He is taking care of his "couples" responsibility - it is now up to you to make smart choices in that context. Being on a diet does not absolve you of your responsibilities towards your partner!
I fully appreciate this is probably not what you wanted to hear. Chalk it up to me being on of the MFP "meanies".0 -
MineHave you broken up with your husband yet?
Because I am wide open for dessert night and 3 day retreats.0 -
OP have you not considered that maybe your husband is excited to spend time with you? That your weight loss and improved health have resulted in a renewed infatuation? That he's trying to be romantic and caring and loving? These are all good things and you really should get over your attitude about it.
Take time to talk and listen to him. Commit to improving your marriage and find a balance of activities you both like. So you don't like orchestra? Who cares. He does and that's what matters. Do some of what he likes and ask him to do some of what you like. And I bet if you start working on that, he will start listening more to your needs. Marriage is 50/50 - and you need to allow him his 50% too.
If you talk to him about your weight loss and find a balance you *both* can live with/adhere to, I think you both will be much happier in the long run.
All I hear is a lot of complaining about too much interest from your husband. I hope you can take a step back and really think about how your posts come across.0 -
I have to say you should feel lucky to have a husband that wants to spend time with you, and take you out. Like others have said here this is a lifestyle change, and you can fit these things in. Feel privileged you have a man who is so into you.0
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It has never occurred to me to ask for a to-go box at the same time the food arrives. Thanks for the tip.Just a tip that I've been using: When I go out to eat, no matter what I get, whether it be sirloin or salad, I get a to-go box WITH my food. I then split ALL of my food in half, no matter how small the portions look, and take half of it home with me and eat half at the restaurant. It doubles as being awesome because then I get two meals out of it, and also because it keeps me from overeating.0 -
Bah0
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What restaurants are you going to that don't have vegetables and protein? You just need to get more verbal about what you'd like at those places. I'm vegan and have found most all restaurants to be very accomodating.
Just because you go to a dessert event doesn't mean you have to over indulge. Allow yourself one thing and just enjoy the rest of the event.
You're making this much harder than it has to be.
In other words, "just do what HE wants, and jump through hoops to achieve your weight loss goals in spite of all the obstacles he tries to put in your path". Does that about sum it up? :huh:
Um...that's one way of looking at it. However, marriage is about compromise, so another option is just to figure out how the two of you can meet in the middle on these situations more often. I would assume that even if he is being thoughtless, his goal hopefully is not to sabotage you. Good luck!0 -
Now that I reread the post. It's not really about her husband is it? It's more about fear. About lack of control. It's about dealing with all the events that come up with daily life and having a plan of attack for staying the course.0
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Why does dieting have to be that miserable? Surely you could squeeze a dessert in without derailing your entire diet? Sure, if you have an issue with portion control I could maybe see your point but I'm not quite understanding why you cant have fun and indulge?
Its not "a dessert", its one even after another after another after another. That is my point. Thanksgiving results in a two pound gain, I get it off, then hubby immediately wants to take me out for dinner. That doesn't result in a gain, but prevents a loss... I work that out and then hubby doesn't understand why I don't go to a woman's event at my church where there is a ton of dessert food, the very next day, he wants to take me out to a dessert event... two days after that he will most likely be trying to talk me into eating some of my son's and my birthday cake, two days later he will try to talk me into going to wednesday night potluck with him, a couple of days after that he will want to go out to dinner again... it is never ending. And while an occasional date or dinner out doesn't hurt, doing so every week, in addition to all the holiday stuff... is resulting in a NET LOSS of zero for November and December.
I feel your pain, I really do, and when I first started MFP last March I was quite frantic about avoiding social outings, restaurants, etc. But here's the thing, it doesn't ever end! I have a meeting that I go to every other week that has food laid out and I just ignore it or look for the healthy stuff. You have the ability to say no to the desserts if you don't have the calorie room to eat it, or you could just save room and have a dessert.
The other approach is a 5/2 fast. If you know you have a lot of events that you're going to then pick two days that week where you know you're not going out and only eat 500 calories. I often compensate for fun times on the weekend by restricting my diet during the week. This has turned out to be a great way to manage my life. I get to have fun and I'm still seeing losses on the scale. It's slow, but then again, it's not a race.0 -
I think I understand what you're saying regarding why this is potentially problematic. You already understand that you can try to "make it fit your macros" as some people are suggesting, but they apparently aren't taking into consideration the adherence/preferential factors involved in substituting restaurant food/deserts for other options.
It sounds to me like you get it, you're just overwhelmed with the frequency at which these events are coming up and if you feel that you are continually forced to "fit" some dessert or other energy dense food into your macros, the remainder of that day is probably not going to be very satisfying and you risk going over.
Additionally, while I'm a big promoter of flexible dieting, I think people may be overlooking the fact that given 1600 calories and 100g protein as your target intake, your available fat/carb macros aren't all that high, and those restrictions make it a lot harder for you to try and fit things in. Someone like me who bulks on 3400+ and cuts on 2200-2400 will have a significantly easier time with food selection simply because my bank of discretionary intake is much larger.
As far as solutions to this, I think you need to look at this from multiple directions.
1) Consider which of these events it's more important for you to eat at and which of these events would YOU be more comfortable just having a coffee. This would potentially allow you to "skip" some of these from a dietary perspective while not actually skipping the event itself.
2) Consider having a very polite and non-attacking chat with your husband, not to tell him that he can't take you out, but to explain to him your goals, the challenges you face, and how you feel. Then, when you're done telling him these things, close your mouth and listen to his reply. You really should feel lucky that he wants to take you out. It's not his fault that you are dieting but at the same time it may be helpful for him to understand you on this, and vise versa.
3) Look to see if there are ways you can increase food volume and satiety on days surrounding the events and consider ways to shave off calories so that you can provide a small buffer on the days you go out. For example, if you have a week where you're going to go out 3 nights, can you reduce your intake the other 4 nights to 1400, and be a bit more strict with food selection (more fibrous green vegetables for one example, since that would provide you with good nutrient density, a lot of food volume, likely promoting satiety at a low calorie cost)...? This would give you another 800 calories to work with in terms of providing a bit of a buffer on the "days out". Furthermore, if you decide to only eat on 2 of those 3 days and just have some coffee or socialize on the other day, that's another 400 calories on each of those two nights. That should make things substantially easier.
4) Finally, I would really urge you to not give up on the idea of going out. I would think about ways to make compromises so that you aren't putting stress on your relationship with your husband, you aren't doing harm to your progress or goals, but you also aren't becoming scared of a night out, or several nights out.
5) Edited to add: Perhaps this is an obvious one, but in case it's not -- you should be able to order something like grilled chicken breast, or a steak, and steamed vegetables, and specify that you would like it without cream sauces or butter/etc. This would allow you opportunity to better control total energy intake. I bet at least some places would provide this for you even if it's not on the menu.
There is nothing wrong with choosing not to eat on some (in fact, all) of these occasions. It's going to be a matter of figuring out where you draw the line on that, and then utilizing some of the above to make it easier when you do decide to partake.
Best of luck.
OP: ^^ is everything you need. I can understand what you are trying to say. Good luck to you 0 -
I can't take full credit for it, I got the idea from my mom.
It has never occurred to me to ask for a to-go box at the same time the food arrives. Thanks for the tip.Just a tip that I've been using: When I go out to eat, no matter what I get, whether it be sirloin or salad, I get a to-go box WITH my food. I then split ALL of my food in half, no matter how small the portions look, and take half of it home with me and eat half at the restaurant. It doubles as being awesome because then I get two meals out of it, and also because it keeps me from overeating. Regardless, happy to help!
I also feel that I should clarify my comment. I meant for this to help you on those "date night" situations. If you don't want to do certain things on dates with your husband, help him plan things and give input on what you would rather do. It's a two-way street. He's reaching out to you for quality time, and if you reciprocate his request with "no, I don't want to do that," and don't offer any alternatives, he will take it personally and probably get discouraged. Gently remind him that you are trying to gain control over your health and you would appreciate if he would consider healthy options along with you. Research restaurants with health-friendly choices on the menu, suggest new things to do (when was the last time you went on a hike together?), and remember to acknowledge that you appreciate his willingness to spend time with you.0 -
I think I understand what you're saying regarding why this is potentially problematic. You already understand that you can try to "make it fit your macros" as some people are suggesting, but they apparently aren't taking into consideration the adherence/preferential factors involved in substituting restaurant food/deserts for other options.
It sounds to me like you get it, you're just overwhelmed with the frequency at which these events are coming up and if you feel that you are continually forced to "fit" some dessert or other energy dense food into your macros, the remainder of that day is probably not going to be very satisfying and you risk going over.
Additionally, while I'm a big promoter of flexible dieting, I think people may be overlooking the fact that given 1600 calories and 100g protein as your target intake, your available fat/carb macros aren't all that high, and those restrictions make it a lot harder for you to try and fit things in. Someone like me who bulks on 3400+ and cuts on 2200-2400 will have a significantly easier time with food selection simply because my bank of discretionary intake is much larger.
As far as solutions to this, I think you need to look at this from multiple directions.
1) Consider which of these events it's more important for you to eat at and which of these events would YOU be more comfortable just having a coffee. This would potentially allow you to "skip" some of these from a dietary perspective while not actually skipping the event itself.
2) Consider having a very polite and non-attacking chat with your husband, not to tell him that he can't take you out, but to explain to him your goals, the challenges you face, and how you feel. Then, when you're done telling him these things, close your mouth and listen to his reply. You really should feel lucky that he wants to take you out. It's not his fault that you are dieting but at the same time it may be helpful for him to understand you on this, and vise versa.
3) Look to see if there are ways you can increase food volume and satiety on days surrounding the events and consider ways to shave off calories so that you can provide a small buffer on the days you go out. For example, if you have a week where you're going to go out 3 nights, can you reduce your intake the other 4 nights to 1400, and be a bit more strict with food selection (more fibrous green vegetables for one example, since that would provide you with good nutrient density, a lot of food volume, likely promoting satiety at a low calorie cost)...? This would give you another 800 calories to work with in terms of providing a bit of a buffer on the "days out". Furthermore, if you decide to only eat on 2 of those 3 days and just have some coffee or socialize on the other day, that's another 400 calories on each of those two nights. That should make things substantially easier.
4) Finally, I would really urge you to not give up on the idea of going out. I would think about ways to make compromises so that you aren't putting stress on your relationship with your husband, you aren't doing harm to your progress or goals, but you also aren't becoming scared of a night out, or several nights out.
5) Edited to add: Perhaps this is an obvious one, but in case it's not -- you should be able to order something like grilled chicken breast, or a steak, and steamed vegetables, and specify that you would like it without cream sauces or butter/etc. This would allow you opportunity to better control total energy intake. I bet at least some places would provide this for you even if it's not on the menu.
There is nothing wrong with choosing not to eat on some (in fact, all) of these occasions. It's going to be a matter of figuring out where you draw the line on that, and then utilizing some of the above to make it easier when you do decide to partake.
Best of luck.
^^very good advice.
I also get that you feel that you at least need to limit the frequency of these events (I assume that is what you are saying). People can go on about 'why can't you do it' or 'it's a lifestyle change'...the issue is...going out all the time often led a lot of us here in the first place...so people often need to make alterations to their usual MO. Sometimes this involves going out to eat a little less - I know it does for me, especially to ensure I hit my macros, and there is nothing wrong with that as long as it does not 'take over' and negatively alter other aspects of your life.
Maybe look to have dinner dates that also more active - like bowling, ice skating etc. as a longer term compromise.0 -
Having just dated a guy for a while who loved food and always wanted to go out for doughnuts or ice cream, I can sympathize your situation. I encourage you to take this time as a new lesson in lifestyle. I think you are absolutely correct that dates do not always have to revolve around food. However you shouldn't hamper relationships with friends and your husband for the fear of caloric in take. Use this as a time to learn moderation.
Moderation is what is going to help you keep your weight off. You will eventually get to the weight goal you want to be at and then what? You will have to continue to watch what you are eating, stay active and practice moderation.
Perhaps for this outing he is taking you out on, you can split a dessert? Surely you can prepare that day by doing some morning exercising, eat light (ie soup and salad for lunch), cook a healthy supper that night and then enjoy splitting a dessert. Sharing can be romantic and then your slice of cheese cake will only be 300 calories v. 600.
It is incredibly frustrating when folks are not on the same page as you when it comes to your health/ diet goals. However, you should remember how blessed you are to have a husband who wants your company and attention. Think of how many folks out there who are not in a relationship OR their spouse has forgotten how special their significant other is.
Just look at food and your calorie count like a budget. You can plan and save for big ticket items. If you over spend you have two options, trim back on your spending the next few days to make the difference and/ or make an extra side hustle (exercising) to make up the difference. This is doable. Don't let your health goals hurt your relationship. Plus if you set an example and show how it is enjoyable or at least not miserable it is, he may follow in time. Good luck and way to go with your 47 down!0 -
wow just reading two pages of replies is making me mad. I understand where you're coming from. I get annoyed when my mom offers me cookies or something. I don't get mad if they are in the house... its when she puts them in front of me so I have to resist even more than just knowing they are in the cabinet. I have a hard time resisting. And I understand the whole thing about going to bed hungry because you can't eat enough of a high calorie meal. I'd say suggest doing things that have nothing to do with food and then come home and eat, or eat at home before you go out. Or ask him to take you places where he can eat and you can just eat before or after at home. Nothing wrong with that. I don't think you are wrong for feeling how you do because it really is hard to plan. People are so annoying on here sometimes. In one breath... log everything, keep your macros, blah blah blah... and in another.... live a little who cares if you go over! portion control like um duh ever heard of it??? Its not that easy for everyone to resist for one, and two... if you are given a high calorie meal and do resist eating it all YOU ARE STILL HUNGRY yet wasted a ton of calories. You can't always eat out 3 or 4 times a week every week. Theres nothing wrong with her. Are you reading her replies?
I do agree though that maybe you can't make him understand so you will either have to just ask him to cooperate in the best way possible and both of you meet in the middle. Talking is the best way to get anything to happen in a relationship. Good luck girl.0 -
Lifestyle/diet changes/weightloss seemed to be like a grieving process for me. I spent a lot of time planning for it. I kept saying "I'm going to do it but I'm just not ready right now." Life was crazy and there was too much to focus on and I couldn't "get my head in the game". There was enough emotional stuff going on inside that I had ACCEPT. Not let go, but ACCEPT. I accepted that I weighed 163ish,
I accepted that I could barely breath when walking up stairs, and I accepted that I wore a size 16 and that my boobs were the same size as when I was 9 months pregnant and even those bras were getting tight. I had to change the way I thought about myself and accepted the fact that I am a worthy individual, a great friend, and that I did not want to associate with negative people or people who think that I should lose weight the way they lost weight. In fact a few weeks ago I lost a friend over a butterfinger.
My husband brought me a butterfinger because he got beer. We used to have a deal that if he got beer he had to get me a 'treat' too and it was usually chocolate because that's what I couldn't get enough of. Anyway I knew chocolate bars were empty calories and I had already used my calories for the day and I texted her "holy crap there's 270 calories in a butterfinger...grrrrr....guess I'll just cut it in half and have it over the next two days" She texted me back and said "Here's an honest question why not just NOT eat it at all??" I was a little taken aback and was like wow what a *****, but I responded with "Because I want it and I can have it" and she went on about how I was always complaining about all the foods I ate and I'm sitting here thinking I rarely talk to her and no I don't talk about food with her all the time she's the one telling me about all the frappe's that have made her gain back ten pounds and how her mother in law added all kinds of oil to the foods her mother in law cooked when they lived with her etc etc.
Of course I never said "well why didn't you cook your own foods or skip the frappes?" nope I just listened. She said she told me she was just being a good friend and trying to help me and I'm sitting here thinking 'I'm not stupid I know I don't have to eat something and I know I can have something if I want it because I am the only person in control of my body'.....so got rid of her and I'm perfectly happy. I don't suggest getting rid of your hubby though. Sometimes it just takes a while for people to wrap their brains around major changes. which you will be going through. Some people will try to grasp at control when it's only an illusion in the first place. At first I could swear my sister in law and her husband were starving themselves because every time we saw them they had dropped so much weight. It just took a while of seeing them to get used to the way they looked. So changes like that can be unsettling but it's okay.
I also said the only way I was going to lose weight is by eating things I like and doing (for now) as little extra exercise as possible. I said I was going to make diet changes my main focus until I reach 130lbs and then I would move onto extra curricular exercises like cardio and strength training. My sister in law and her hubby ate lots of kale and tofu and all the other awesome nutrient packed alternatives. My former friend got on the treadmill every single night and ate almost nothing but fruit (according to her) to lose weight. That is too restrictive and stressful for me and I don't like tofu and the only cooked veggies I like are green beans and corn. The rest I'll occasional ate in a salad. I said I am going to do things MY way. So I looked up a lot of low cal recipes via pepperplate.com because I was also very bored with the food we were eating and got to the point where I just didn't want to eat any of it so I had to make some changes for my taste buds. That was probably the best decision I ever made because I've lost 14lbs so far and I am still dedicated to the lifestyle. I also don't fear food. I don't believe donuts or cake or cookies are evil, but they also aren't that filling for me so I choose to limit them. I also chose to make breakfast as filling as possible while still being better than what I ate previously which was usually two slices of toast with butter or some very non filling cereal or a glass of chocolate milk. Now I switch between egg/egg whites with turkey bacon, vanilla greek yogurt with a banana and granola mixed in, and baked oatmeal with rolled oats and walnuts in it.
I also had to practice self control. I constantly want to snack between meals. I still do, but I'll have some special k crackers with hummus, or those 100 calorie popcorn bags, or something 'low calorie' like that and I usually just have one in the morning and the other in the after noon. I also have dessert. Which wasn't something we did prior..what with all the butterfingers and reese cups and all that.... I'll make some strawberry short cake or have a 40 calorie fudgepop or something which usually gets a handle on my sweet cravings.
Date nights can be tricky. I'll usually treat them as a 'cheat day' and be mindful of what I eat earlier that day. Also I surprised myself when we went to Applebee's for our date night one night. I loooooooooooooove their Queso Blanco and chips. Nice and salty! Before I would eat almost the whole plate of that by myself, plus the steak, and most of my fries. The last time we went I nibbled on the chips and dip. Ate all my steak (no stopping me there) and barely touched my fries. I found that I just did not want them as much as I used to because I had learned to recognize without even thinking about it when I was satisfied or full. I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that I had started weighing all my food and serving proper portion sizes for myself. Sometimes I wouldn't need the full portion size, for example I had plenty of hummus left over after eating my crackers and hummus so I just cut the hummus portion down to 1tbsp instead of 2tbsp like it says on the package.
There are soooo many changes that can be made and soooo many that can still make you just as happy. You just have to handle them one at at time and decide what is right for you.0 -
I think it's less about fear and more that the OP is frustrated that she was feeling overwhelmed with the holidays and how to control herself as it was, and she feels hurt by the fact that her husband doesn't seem to care that he's contributing to her stress.Now that I reread the post. It's not really about her husband is it? It's more about fear. About lack of control. It's about dealing with all the events that come up with daily life and having a plan of attack for staying the course.
On the other hand, he may not even realize he's causing an issue. I think the best solution is for OP to sit down with her husband and have a real, non-aggressive talk about what she would like to do to solve the situation. Surely if alternatives were put forth, some of them might stick. Since when does a date ALWAYS mean going out to dinner? Go to the roller (or ice) skating rink, take a walk in the park if you live in an area where that's an option, make a veggie tray at home and curl up with a Redbox movie together. The most important thing is quality time with each other, whether that's in a restaurant or your own living room.
This gave me a brilliant idea: Twister!0 -
I usually try to stay positive on these forums but it sounds like you've made up your mind to be miserable, bitter, and a little bit angry. I don't know why you posted if that is the case.
Unfortunately, I kind of agree with you here
Please let's stop beating up on the OP. I know exactly where the OP is coming from. You can complain about something and not be miserable, you know. Are you all missing this one thing that the OP stated:
Her husband didn't like eating out before and now, all of a sudden, he has decided that they need to eat out all the time.
Here she was doing great because everything was the same. They ate at home and he was okay with that. Now, he wants to eat out all the time. I know what that is like. My best friend wanted to eat out everytime we got together, which was about three times a week. You can't plan around that amount of eating out. Once a week eating out is doable, maybe even two times, but three times is tough.
Many times, potluck food has hidden fat and carbs. People add butter to things that I normally would not add butter to. They may add extra sugar to foods. Potlucks are called pot lucks because you are lucky if you can discern what is in the pot.
Eating at restaurants is also perilous. A simple Cobb salad can clobber your diet because of all the hidden ingredients. The same with chef salads. Look at Applebees menu. Check out the salads. Then plug them into a calorie counter and you will see what I mean. What looked harmless isn't.
I often take my scale out to restaurants along with a tupperware container. That way I can weigh my food (yes, people stare at me) and take home the extras for another meal.
The problem here is that something happened that her husband wants to eat out all the time. You can't plan calories around eating out all the time. Yep, some of you can do McDs on Monday, Wendy's on Tuesday, Taco Bell on Wednesday, and so forth, but I can't do that. I would be back to my old weight if I did that. Some restaurants specialize in having hidden calories (Applebees) whereas some are good with keeping things low in calorie and label it as such (Ruby Tuesday). Ruby is my favorite place to eat because they are so accomodating and they don't add butter to their broccoli or other veggies.
I believe that the husband is a bit insecure about the OP losing weight. I also think that he is being selfish in not taking into consideration the OP's needs. Who would schedule something without considering the other person's feelings? Somewhere there is a compromise to be had.
I feel that the OP needs to sit down and talk openly about her feelings with her husband, stressing those health issues that she may still have as needing to be resolved and also stressing how hard it is to lose weight, and even maintain a loss, when eating out so many times during the week.0 -
One strategy that's been working really well for me the last year was to mark an X on the calendar with a highlighter anytime I indulge and eat food that's not part of my everyday diet -- holidays, birthdays, celebrations etc. That way my husband and I can both see if it's getting out of hand.
If the calendar is clear he knows it's ok if the "something nice" he wants to do for me is food related. But if it's covered in X's I'm not going to appreciate the pint of Ben & Jerry's he brings home for me because he knows it's my favorite. It's a great reminder and it completely eliminates the problem. I can see it's not a big deal to just site back and enjoy whatever and my husband sees that I'm not carrying the diet thing too far. I know he really appreciates knowing ahead of time what's going to make me happy without having to ask.
It's not easy finding that balance, I know. Best wishes.0
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