How do you make people understand?

My husband likes me to eat too. So I save a good portion of my calories for when he will be around. Usually dinner time. Since your husband seems to focus on your diet or be around every two days, perhaps you can invent the very first "alternate day" diet.

Actually alternate day IF is not a new concept It's more commonly called JUDDD (there's a mfp group here if you want more info)

Understanding and agreement are not prerequisites of cooperation.

20+ years of marriage wisdom: you cannot put important things in your partner's head, you can't expect your partner to comply with the small things even when they are important to the big picture. You do what you have to do. And if he feels that he has to go to every potluck and every Christmas party, then he should do what he has to do.

Be confident and bold in your decisions, be kind to others, understand first, then seek to be understood. Set boundaries and enforce them jealously, and respect the boundaries of others.

And compromise...when it is in your interest to do so, and only if it is win-win. Can you eat before the potluck? Cut your time short? Can you bake cookies for the Christmas party without eating half the batch?

You'd be surprised what a little air of mystery you can add to what people think of you by showing up for 10 minutes and quietly leaving at these social events. To quote Oscar Wilde, it's better to have them talking about you than not

Anyway, at my age, eating 1600 calories a day and exercising 90 minutes a day, trying to get a minimum of 100 grams of protein every day results in a loss of 1-2 pounds a week, which is what I am aiming for. And if I am told in advance of special events I can plan for them by reducing my calories on surrounding days to 1200-1300 so that I still average out about the same 1600 a day for the week.

Quite honestly, I think this is too strict. I'm not much younger than you, weigh 128 lbs, exercise less and eat 1800-2000 calories a day M-Th, and more like 2300-2500 on the weekends. If I ate1600/day, I'd lose weight.

Go to Fat2Fit radio, put in your numbers and see what they give you. They recommend eating at your goal weight unless you have a lot to lose and then they recommend breaking your goal weight into smaller chunks.

Many people decide to make a change and then decide they want to lose as quickly as possible. IMO, it's better to take it slower so it isn't such a punishment. After all, you still have to balance everything at the thinner you.

Anyway, at my age, eating 1600 calories a day and exercising 90 minutes a day, trying to get a minimum of 100 grams of protein every day results in a loss of 1-2 pounds a week, which is what I am aiming for. And if I am told in advance of special events I can plan for them by reducing my calories on surrounding days to 1200-1300 so that I still average out about the same 1600 a day for the week.

Quite honestly, I think this is too strict. I'm not much younger than you, weigh 128 lbs, exercise less and eat 1800-2000 calories a day M-Th, and more like 2300-2500 on the weekends. If I ate1600/day, I'd lose weight.

Go to Fat2Fit radio, put in your numbers and see what they give you. They recommend eating at your goal weight unless you have a lot to lose and then they recommend breaking your goal weight into smaller chunks.

Many people decide to make a change and then decide they want to lose as quickly as possible. IMO, it's better to take it slower so it isn't such a punishment. After all, you still have to balance everything at the thinner you.

Her rate of loss would indicate that her combination of intake and exercise is quite reasonable.

It seems many people have given you advice and tried to offer opinions and answers to your question, but you have an argument for every one of them. I'll tell you what you want to hear: you're right and he's wrong. stay in the house and never leave and never indulge and never try to eat anything unhealthy. if he doesn't like it then he's a shmuck! good luck!

U mad? :laugh:

She is right. He is wrong. If someone is trying to lose weight, and someone else is always "hey, let's go get dessert!" they ARE being a schmuck. It is not the duty of the wife to always accommodate the schmucky behavior of the husband. Sometimes the wife has to put her own goals first, and the husband can just get glad in the same pants he got mad in.

I love the glad/mad pants! I'm keeping that one.

If I came home and my husband decided to change plans without asking me and just announced "We are going out." I'd pretty much tell him to pound sand. Why does he get to decide everything? No way would I just go along. It's not compromise if it's one-sided...

This sounds like a sweet thing for a husband to do in my opinion. As for the dessert stuff, how far should it go? No birthday cake? No Valentine's Day chocolates? Not everyone is on a diet, so those of us who are need to learn to adjust to the rest of the world or stay home and complain about never being taken out anywhere. This really seems like a no win situation.

The OP has stated that she does eat desserts and her diet isn't very restrictive (has ice cream several times a week). Desserts are High Cal Low Volume food and messes with the OPs Sugar and makes her feel shaky.

She's not saying she can't have desserts. It's that she doesn't want to 4-6 days a week 4 weeks in a row. I didn't eat that much dessert before I started losing weight.

It sounds like your husband is just caught up in the Holiday Season/ Birthdays. I understand how frustrating that can be. I need to remind my BF every couple of months that I am trying to lose weight.

Also don't be afraid to be that annoying person at restaurants. (no croutons on my salad, dressing on the side, no sauce on my meat entree, can I get that grilled instead of fried...ect)

If you don't want dessert, don't eat dessert.

There are always diet-friendly options at restaurants.

Eat before going to parties.

It sounds to me like you have a great husband. No one can keep you from your goals except yourself.

To all the people saying this crap.... please shut up. Sorry to be rude but not everyone is good at this and some are still working on it. Some people may never be good at it.

Like OP said in a post.... you wouldn't tell a recovering alcoholic
"if you do't want alcohol, don't drink alcohol.

There are always friendly options at bars such as soda and water."

Like seriously? Some people are not good at restricting themselves from food. Some people have had addictions to food or binging problems. You don't know her or her life. Its so SCREWED up to be so judgmental. She asked for freaking advice about how to talk to her husband, she didn't ask for everyone to jump down her throat and tell her to do whatever the heck her husband wants and just screw her plans, wants, and needs. Nope girl, they said it. You have to do whatever he wants. Thats basic bs. Yes there are ways to eat out and be healthy, yes there are tips to help if you have binging problems or overeating problems, yes yes yes, and yes you shouldn't not socialize. She didn't ask anything about HOW to do those things. She asked how to talk to her husband. Thats it. Sorry but you guys are all stupid if you think that everyone has the willpower to go out 3 or 4 times a week and be fine. Not everyone can. If you can great. But like I said, you think a recovering alcoholic can just be around bars all week long and always be fine? If they know themselves and know they can't then they shouldn't be going to bars. If someone who smoked and has just quit, you think they wanna be around cigarette smoke all the time? NO. Leave her alone.

I'm actually so frustrated by the double standards I see on these boards all the time. You all think you are know it alls sometimes. I know you are trying to help and honesty is the only way to help but she didn't ask you these questions. Even if you did say these things she has said OVER AND OVER AGAIN how she does like to be social and go out and she does go to planned events but going out unplanned 3 times a week isn't easy for her.

Your tips are fine and they may help some people but if she still doesn't want to go out to eat 3 times a week then she shouldn't have to just because her husband wants to. Everyone should compromise in any relationship about everything. It shouldn't all be on one person.

You are basically saying to her... if you can't have enough self-control to not eat more than a few bites of dessert then you are a fat piece of undeserving crap.... thats not fair to act like when she is working on her self-control.

AND stop saying she can't lose weight life long without desserts when she has said multiple times she eats desserts.

If you don't want dessert, don't eat dessert.

There are always diet-friendly options at restaurants.

Eat before going to parties.

It sounds to me like you have a great husband. No one can keep you from your goals except yourself.

To all the people saying this crap.... please shut up. Sorry to be rude but not everyone is good at this and some are still working on it. Some people may never be good at it.

Like OP said in a post.... you wouldn't tell a recovering alcoholic
"if you do't want alcohol, don't drink alcohol.

There are always friendly options at bars such as soda and water."

Like seriously? Some people are not good at restricting themselves from food. Some people have had addictions to food or binging problems. You don't know her or her life. Its so SCREWED up to be so judgmental. She asked for freaking advice about how to talk to her husband, she didn't ask for everyone to jump down her throat and tell her to do whatever the heck her husband wants and just screw her plans, wants, and needs. Nope girl, they said it. You have to do whatever he wants. Thats basic bs. Yes there are ways to eat out and be healthy, yes there are tips to help if you have binging problems or overeating problems, yes yes yes, and yes you shouldn't not socialize. She didn't ask anything about HOW to do those things. She asked how to talk to her husband. Thats it. Sorry but you guys are all stupid if you think that everyone has the willpower to go out 3 or 4 times a week and be fine. Not everyone can. If you can great. But like I said, you think a recovering alcoholic can just be around bars all week long and always be fine? If they know themselves and know they can't then they shouldn't be going to bars. If someone who smoked and has just quit, you think they wanna be around cigarette smoke all the time? NO. Leave her alone.

I'm actually so frustrated by the double standards I see on these boards all the time. You all think you are know it alls sometimes. I know you are trying to help and honesty is the only way to help but she didn't ask you these questions. Even if you did say these things she has said OVER AND OVER AGAIN how she does like to be social and go out and she does go to planned events but going out unplanned 3 times a week isn't easy for her.

Your tips are fine and they may help some people but if she still doesn't want to go out to eat 3 times a week then she shouldn't have to just because her husband wants to. Everyone should compromise in any relationship about everything. It shouldn't all be on one person.

You are basically saying to her... if you can't have enough self-control to not eat more than a few bites of dessert then you are a fat piece of undeserving crap.... thats not fair to act like when she is working on her self-control.

AND stop saying she can't lose weight life long without desserts when she has said multiple times she eats desserts.

:huh: MFP is a weight loss/fitness site, not a marriage counseling site. Perhaps the op should not have posted on a dieting site if she didn't want to hear some honest feedback from people, in relation to the dieting/weight loss aspect of her situation. Lots of people took time to give her great suggestions-people who have been there, done that and have succeeded, in spite of all the obstacles in their own lives.

To all the people saying this crap.... please shut up. Sorry to be rude but not everyone is good at this and some are still working on it. Some people may never be good at it.

Like OP said in a post.... you wouldn't tell a recovering alcoholic
"if you do't want alcohol, don't drink alcohol.

There are always friendly options at bars such as soda and water."

That's exactly what I would say. Lots of recovering alcoholics go to bars and party's to be with their friends without drinking alcohol. They don't hide away at home drinking warm milk because the rest of the world didn't stop to revolve around them.

I would be thrilled that my husband planned anything remotely like a date, and be motivated to exercise in order to create a nice calorie cushion, and get lots of walking in and take advantage of the hotel's exercise room.

What I would not do is complain that there are fun things to do with people I love.

Share the desserts! Two spoons is romantic.

Precisely this.

My husband likes me to eat too. So I save a good portion of my calories for when he will be around. Usually dinner time. Since your husband seems to focus on your diet or be around every two days, perhaps you can invent the very first "alternate day" diet.

Actually alternate day IF is not a new concept It's more commonly called JUDDD (there's a mfp group here if you want more info)

No thanks but maybe OP would like it. I have to eat everyday.

What restaurants are you going to that don't have vegetables and protein? You just need to get more verbal about what you'd like at those places. I'm vegan and have found most all restaurants to be very accomodating.

Just because you go to a dessert event doesn't mean you have to over indulge. Allow yourself one thing and just enjoy the rest of the event.

You're making this much harder than it has to be.

In other words, "just do what HE wants, and jump through hoops to achieve your weight loss goals in spite of all the obstacles he tries to put in your path". Does that about sum it up? :huh:

Yep, looks like that is what 75% of the responses say. I am stunned!!

It's not about that though, the issue is less about her husband and more about the fact that she keeps claiming it's impossible to both go out and eat healthy. As like 50 people have already said, that's not at all true. The "all or nothing" mentality can't be sustained, and everyone's just trying to give her another outlook on the situation, that it IS possible to be healthy and do the activities that she used to. She mentioned that there's several upcoming birthdays, holiday celebrations, etc, and those are always going to happen. The key is to figure out how to attend them without completely destroying one's diet, and that's why these suggestions are being made, no one is saying "just do whatever your husband wants you bad wife".

OP you likened some of the comments to telling an alcoholic to just go to a bar and not drink alcohol, but the thing is that a person doesn't need alcohol to live, so it is possible to stop and never have it again. You NEED food to live, so it's better to develop healthy sustainable habits that let you achieve your goals without avoiding events that happen to include food. There's been lots of good suggestions here as to how to go about it.

I. Give. Up.

I went through this, too, so I know where you're coming from. Except my husband and I weren't going out as often, which would have been a nice thing in my opinion. He was doing most of the cooking for the past year due to my job and wasn't following my wishes regarding my intake. He's better now and has lost 30 lbs. himself.

What I did to combat his meals and going out was start myself a Calorie Bank. Every day for about 3 months, I'd save about 200 calories for an emergency withdrawal. That gave me 1400 calories extra each week to work with for the "surprises" in his meals. I'm like you, my daily allowance isn't very high to start with (I'm short and older) and doesn't leave much wiggle room for splurges.

Now I try and make better choices. I eat pie, but I scrape off the crust. I eat things wrapped in a tortilla, but I tear off the "excess" parts of the tortilla that just add unwanted calories. I try and choose healthier items when I can. If I'm not hungry, I don't eat all of my calories just because they're available (like today). I've been struggling lately and Thanksgiving sort of sent me over the edge, too, and I gained 3 lbs (on top of the 8 I put back on just before that due to some serious stress eating).

I say enjoy the time with your husband, save some calories every day by lowering your intake a bit, and make the best choice you can with what's available. Maybe he'll be like my husband and eventually come around to your way of thinking. It only took him 1.5 years.

Good luck!