Touchy subject. Pornography. Need advice.

j580
j580 Posts: 8 Member
in Chit-Chat
Hi all. This is way out of my comfort zone. I have been struggling with something that I need to talk about though. I can't post this on fb or any other site where ppl know me because it's just too embarrassing and raw right now. I get to the point... My bf and I have been together for almost 3 yrs. he has known how I feel about porn and the other day I saw lots of porn pages and a video in our internet history. I've never caught him looking at porn before. BUT I did find 3 pics or his ex on his phone almost a year ago. We got past that because he promised it would never happen again. I decided to trust him but then this happens a few days ago. I am very hurt by the porn but even more hurt he broke his promise and my trust in him. Anybody with experiences like this? Guys and girls. How do I get over this? Is he going to keep breaking these promises? Sorry if this is a weird subject but all responses are really really appreciated.
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Replies

  • patrickblo13
    patrickblo13 Posts: 831 Member
    He is probably looking at porn because he is not getting laid enough....just sayin'
  • fishnbrah
    fishnbrah Posts: 550
    guys like porn. end thread
  • j580
    j580 Posts: 8 Member
    Well I'm not sure that's it. Is 3 times a day not enough?
  • patrickblo13
    patrickblo13 Posts: 831 Member
    Well I'm not sure that's it. Is 3 times a day not enough?

    Maybe not...then spice it up and act like a pornstar
  • Unknown
    Unknown
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  • fishnbrah
    fishnbrah Posts: 550
    Well I'm not sure that's it. Is 3 times a day not enough?

    ill be your new boyfriend
  • elyelyse
    elyelyse Posts: 1,454 Member
    I can understand being upset about the pics of his ex, especially if they were naked...but just the porn? Yeah, guys like porn, even if they get laid often. Guys who don't watch porn are few and far between.
  • 257_Lag
    257_Lag Posts: 1,249 Member
    It doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you go home for dinner.
  • calibriintx
    calibriintx Posts: 1,741 Member
    It sucks that he agreed to stay away from porn. He probably did it b/c he didn't want to fight about it anymore, and likes you enough not to break up with you over a ridiculous demand. Now you feel all betrayed b/c he said he wouldn't do it and did it anyway. I recommend getting over the porn issue or just break up. You're both adults (I hope) and looking at naked people isn't cheating. If you think it is, then you should be with someone who agrees. I know how you feel b/c I used to have a serious problem with porn (I didn't want my SO looking at it) and the feeling sucks. But it's your problem, not his. His only problem is that he wants to be with someone who wants to change him and is trying to find a work around. Good luck with all that. (Seriously - I hope you can get over it and be happy)
  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,834 Member
    Anybody with experiences like this?

    Porn every so can be normal for guys and girls. When it becomes a regular occurrence it can be part of an addiction and cause issues. I have had some experience there.

    best you both define what you want in regards to it and see if things will work out.
  • Chain_Ring
    Chain_Ring Posts: 753 Member
    It sucks that he agreed to stay away from porn. He probably did it b/c he didn't want to fight about it anymore, and likes you enough not to break up with you over a ridiculous demand. Now you feel all betrayed b/c he said he wouldn't do it and did it anyway. I recommend getting over the porn issue or just break up. You're both adults (I hope) and looking at naked people isn't cheating. If you think it is, then you should be with someone who agrees. I know how you feel b/c I used to have a serious problem with porn (I didn't want my SO looking at it) and the feeling sucks. But it's your problem, not his. His only problem is that he wants to be with someone who wants to change him and is trying to find a work around. Good luck with all that. (Seriously - I hope you can get over it and be happy)

    well said.
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
    It sucks that he agreed to stay away from porn. He probably did it b/c he didn't want to fight about it anymore, and likes you enough not to break up with you over a ridiculous demand. Now you feel all betrayed b/c he said he wouldn't do it and did it anyway. I recommend getting over the porn issue or just break up. You're both adults (I hope) and looking at naked people isn't cheating. If you think it is, then you should be with someone who agrees. I know how you feel b/c I used to have a serious problem with porn (I didn't want my SO looking at it) and the feeling sucks. But it's your problem, not his. His only problem is that he wants to be with someone who wants to change him and is trying to find a work around. Good luck with all that. (Seriously - I hope you can get over it and be happy)

    This pretty much sums it up. :)
  • Cliffslosinit
    Cliffslosinit Posts: 5,044 Member
    Well I'm not sure that's it. Is 3 times a day not enough?

    Good for you but you can never match the fantasy in his mind that porn gives him.

    Don't worry about it or confront and make a big deal....your choice.
  • TeamDale1
    TeamDale1 Posts: 52
    I was addicted tio it for many years. I joined a 12 Step program in 2001and have been free since. :smile:
  • calibriintx
    calibriintx Posts: 1,741 Member
    I was addicted tio it for many years. I joined a 12 Step program in 2001and have been free since. :smile:

    Congrats! But OP hasn't said anything to indicate that her boyfriend is a porn addict.
  • LynzeNichole
    LynzeNichole Posts: 43
    It sucks that he agreed to stay away from porn. He probably did it b/c he didn't want to fight about it anymore, and likes you enough not to break up with you over a ridiculous demand. Now you feel all betrayed b/c he said he wouldn't do it and did it anyway. I recommend getting over the porn issue or just break up. You're both adults (I hope) and looking at naked people isn't cheating. If you think it is, then you should be with someone who agrees. I know how you feel b/c I used to have a serious problem with porn (I didn't want my SO looking at it) and the feeling sucks. But it's your problem, not his. His only problem is that he wants to be with someone who wants to change him and is trying to find a work around. Good luck with all that. (Seriously - I hope you can get over it and be happy)

    This pretty much sums it up. :)

    Agree^^. None of us can tell you what to do, but it seems like you'll either have to accept it or move on. I'm also not sure of your reasons for having a problem with it (morals, insecurity, etc.) so maybe have a conversation about that with him?
  • angelique_redhead
    angelique_redhead Posts: 782 Member
    I don't care if mine looks at porn as long as he keeps himself to himself or me.
  • Candi_land
    Candi_land Posts: 1,311 Member
    I can definitely understand being upset over finding pictures of his ex, but I don't get why the porn is a big deal. Porn isn't cheating, it doesn't mean he isn't happy or satisfied with you. As a woman I love porn, and find that watching it with an SO could really spice things up. I honestly think you just need to lighten up or just break up if it's that big of an issue for you. Stop trying to change him.
  • KANGOOJUMPS
    KANGOOJUMPS Posts: 6,474 Member
    YOU SHOULD BE SITTING DOWN WITH HIM AND WATCHING IT TOGETHER
    LIKE A GOOD WOMAN SHOULD!
  • rduhlir
    rduhlir Posts: 3,550 Member
    guys like porn. end thread
    Girls like porn too.
  • SkinnyFatAlbert
    SkinnyFatAlbert Posts: 482 Member
    Lighten up and stop being a prude.
  • doorki
    doorki Posts: 2,576 Member
    It sucks that he agreed to stay away from porn. He probably did it b/c he didn't want to fight about it anymore, and likes you enough not to break up with you over a ridiculous demand. Now you feel all betrayed b/c he said he wouldn't do it and did it anyway. I recommend getting over the porn issue or just break up. You're both adults (I hope) and looking at naked people isn't cheating. If you think it is, then you should be with someone who agrees. I know how you feel b/c I used to have a serious problem with porn (I didn't want my SO looking at it) and the feeling sucks. But it's your problem, not his. His only problem is that he wants to be with someone who wants to change him and is trying to find a work around. Good luck with all that. (Seriously - I hope you can get over it and be happy)

    hogwarts-clap.gif
  • patfriendly
    patfriendly Posts: 263 Member
    Its not very uncommon for guys to want to see porn. Most guys don't think of it as cheating. He is hiding it from you, probably because he knows how you feel about it. I say just let it go. Let him have his porn. If he was looking at any specific girl he knows that would be a different story.
  • pseudomuffin
    pseudomuffin Posts: 1,058 Member
    I can understand being upset about the pics of his ex, especially if they were naked...but just the porn? Yeah, guys like porn, even if they get laid often. Guys who don't watch porn are few and far between.

    This. I'd probably get upset about the ex pics too... But it's just not realistic to tell a man not to look at porn--you're setting him up for failure by forbidding it. Ask yourself instead why you're so insecure about him looking at pornography and think about how you can work on whatever internal issues you're having with it.

    I always ask women who are upset by pornography this question: Do you read romance novels? Do you re-read sexy scenes in books because they're kinda hot? Or maybe even read saucy fanfiction? It's no different--men are just more visually stimulated where women are more mentally stimulated.
  • Briargrey
    Briargrey Posts: 498 Member
    Nothing wrong with a healthy relationship with porn. It can be a positive factor in a healthy relationship, but both parties need to be on board. If looking at it isn't your thing, I wouldn't deny him his thing. Whether it's reading a spicy novel, looking at explicit porn, or going for something a tad more mild that gets your juices going, we all have our turn ons that don't explicitly include thinking about/looking at our partner. That's just how we're wired. To deny that denies basic instinct.

    This does NOT mean cheating. The ex's pictures - while not quite cheating - are obviously in an area of unacceptability for you, and I completely understand that. I'm guessing, like someone else said better than I, that he agreed to no porn to satisfy your unreasonable demand because he cared enough not to want to break up.

    Porn isn't cheating. It's looking at visual stimuli. And looking at porn is a far cry away from any sort of 'addiction' - if he has to be viewing it constantly, has to look at to get off, etc. then there may be other issues. But just having a history of viewing erotic shots? Totally and completely normal. This shouldn't be an issue, any more than *kitten* should be. It's not dirty, it's not wrong, it's not cheating, it doesn't take away from a strong, healthy relationship.
  • harshman18
    harshman18 Posts: 43
    i personally know what it is like to be addicted to porn, it hard to stop. thats all there is to it will power. i haven't stopped completely yet but trying to after about 3 yrs of it. porn just never really gets old it just gets worse the more you look at it. the thing that i do to stop looking at it is to find something to preoccipy myself at all times and to be outside as much as possible. just be active but if he doesn't do these then not sure, this can turn really serious very fast the more he looks as this. please be careful, if you want advice or something ask DONT BE SHY >>>>>>>>>>> ASK......................lates
  • rpsetser
    rpsetser Posts: 24
    Honestly it comes down to trust. I mean, porn used to be a big part of my life, that has tapered off as I have gotten older and more mature. What may help both of you, is if you actually watched and enjoyed it together. There are benefits to be had there. Also, people are drawn to the taboo. He knows you don't want him doing it, so he does it behind your back. If you let him know that you are ok with it, he will eventually get bored with it.
  • ZombieGeezUs
    ZombieGeezUs Posts: 476
    As long as it is not affecting your sex life, it shouldn't matter. Men need sexual variety, porn is a safe way to get that.
  • metaphoria
    metaphoria Posts: 1,432 Member
    It may come as a shock to some people, but there are many others out there who do not like porn and do not use it. There are also people who, for the sake of their SOs, keep a simple promise. This isn't about porn or not enough sex, it's about two incompatible views and a broken promise. And apparently also an ex from a year ago. Perhaps it's time to find someone who shares your views, instead of half-heartedly sort of putting up with them.
  • tanashai
    tanashai Posts: 207 Member
    My husband (of close to three years, together for close to 10) watches porn and I read vaguely pornographic graphic novels. Our rule is that it's fine as long as we're not spending money on it and it's not negatively affecting our sex life.

    If you're more betrayed by the fact that he broke this promise (which, I dunno, might have been a touch unreasonable IMO), then you should talk it out. Ask him why he watches it and what he likes about it and then cross-check it. Does he watch it because it's a bit of brain voodoo (just for fun in other words) or does he watch it when he's in the mood for it and can't do much about it at the moment (my husband watches it more when I'm 'out of commission'). Or is there something deeper going on? If it's just for fun and it's NOT affecting your budget or your sex life, why worry about it? As long as he's bringing it all 'home' to you and he's not replacing you with it, then it's not worth stressing out about really. As for you, I'd do some real soul searching to see why it bothers you. Does it feel like cheating? Do you feel like you don't measure up to a standard? (none of us do; it's all faked, lol) Is it just 'squicky' to you?

    TL:Dr: talk it out with your SO before freaking out. He's probably just watching it 'just because'. And hey, it might give him some good ideas to try out with you-I have porn to thank for a few memorable nights ;)
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