Touchy subject. Pornography. Need advice.

Options
24567…14

Replies

  • SkinnyFatAlbert
    SkinnyFatAlbert Posts: 482 Member
    Options
    Lighten up and stop being a prude.
  • doorki
    doorki Posts: 2,611 Member
    Options
    It sucks that he agreed to stay away from porn. He probably did it b/c he didn't want to fight about it anymore, and likes you enough not to break up with you over a ridiculous demand. Now you feel all betrayed b/c he said he wouldn't do it and did it anyway. I recommend getting over the porn issue or just break up. You're both adults (I hope) and looking at naked people isn't cheating. If you think it is, then you should be with someone who agrees. I know how you feel b/c I used to have a serious problem with porn (I didn't want my SO looking at it) and the feeling sucks. But it's your problem, not his. His only problem is that he wants to be with someone who wants to change him and is trying to find a work around. Good luck with all that. (Seriously - I hope you can get over it and be happy)

    hogwarts-clap.gif
  • patfriendly
    patfriendly Posts: 263 Member
    Options
    Its not very uncommon for guys to want to see porn. Most guys don't think of it as cheating. He is hiding it from you, probably because he knows how you feel about it. I say just let it go. Let him have his porn. If he was looking at any specific girl he knows that would be a different story.
  • pseudomuffin
    pseudomuffin Posts: 1,058 Member
    Options
    I can understand being upset about the pics of his ex, especially if they were naked...but just the porn? Yeah, guys like porn, even if they get laid often. Guys who don't watch porn are few and far between.

    This. I'd probably get upset about the ex pics too... But it's just not realistic to tell a man not to look at porn--you're setting him up for failure by forbidding it. Ask yourself instead why you're so insecure about him looking at pornography and think about how you can work on whatever internal issues you're having with it.

    I always ask women who are upset by pornography this question: Do you read romance novels? Do you re-read sexy scenes in books because they're kinda hot? Or maybe even read saucy fanfiction? It's no different--men are just more visually stimulated where women are more mentally stimulated.
  • Briargrey
    Briargrey Posts: 498 Member
    Options
    Nothing wrong with a healthy relationship with porn. It can be a positive factor in a healthy relationship, but both parties need to be on board. If looking at it isn't your thing, I wouldn't deny him his thing. Whether it's reading a spicy novel, looking at explicit porn, or going for something a tad more mild that gets your juices going, we all have our turn ons that don't explicitly include thinking about/looking at our partner. That's just how we're wired. To deny that denies basic instinct.

    This does NOT mean cheating. The ex's pictures - while not quite cheating - are obviously in an area of unacceptability for you, and I completely understand that. I'm guessing, like someone else said better than I, that he agreed to no porn to satisfy your unreasonable demand because he cared enough not to want to break up.

    Porn isn't cheating. It's looking at visual stimuli. And looking at porn is a far cry away from any sort of 'addiction' - if he has to be viewing it constantly, has to look at to get off, etc. then there may be other issues. But just having a history of viewing erotic shots? Totally and completely normal. This shouldn't be an issue, any more than *kitten* should be. It's not dirty, it's not wrong, it's not cheating, it doesn't take away from a strong, healthy relationship.
  • harshman18
    harshman18 Posts: 43
    Options
    i personally know what it is like to be addicted to porn, it hard to stop. thats all there is to it will power. i haven't stopped completely yet but trying to after about 3 yrs of it. porn just never really gets old it just gets worse the more you look at it. the thing that i do to stop looking at it is to find something to preoccipy myself at all times and to be outside as much as possible. just be active but if he doesn't do these then not sure, this can turn really serious very fast the more he looks as this. please be careful, if you want advice or something ask DONT BE SHY >>>>>>>>>>> ASK......................lates
  • rpsetser
    rpsetser Posts: 24
    Options
    Honestly it comes down to trust. I mean, porn used to be a big part of my life, that has tapered off as I have gotten older and more mature. What may help both of you, is if you actually watched and enjoyed it together. There are benefits to be had there. Also, people are drawn to the taboo. He knows you don't want him doing it, so he does it behind your back. If you let him know that you are ok with it, he will eventually get bored with it.
  • ZombieGeezUs
    ZombieGeezUs Posts: 476
    Options
    As long as it is not affecting your sex life, it shouldn't matter. Men need sexual variety, porn is a safe way to get that.
  • metaphoria
    metaphoria Posts: 1,432 Member
    Options
    It may come as a shock to some people, but there are many others out there who do not like porn and do not use it. There are also people who, for the sake of their SOs, keep a simple promise. This isn't about porn or not enough sex, it's about two incompatible views and a broken promise. And apparently also an ex from a year ago. Perhaps it's time to find someone who shares your views, instead of half-heartedly sort of putting up with them.
  • tanashai
    tanashai Posts: 207 Member
    Options
    My husband (of close to three years, together for close to 10) watches porn and I read vaguely pornographic graphic novels. Our rule is that it's fine as long as we're not spending money on it and it's not negatively affecting our sex life.

    If you're more betrayed by the fact that he broke this promise (which, I dunno, might have been a touch unreasonable IMO), then you should talk it out. Ask him why he watches it and what he likes about it and then cross-check it. Does he watch it because it's a bit of brain voodoo (just for fun in other words) or does he watch it when he's in the mood for it and can't do much about it at the moment (my husband watches it more when I'm 'out of commission'). Or is there something deeper going on? If it's just for fun and it's NOT affecting your budget or your sex life, why worry about it? As long as he's bringing it all 'home' to you and he's not replacing you with it, then it's not worth stressing out about really. As for you, I'd do some real soul searching to see why it bothers you. Does it feel like cheating? Do you feel like you don't measure up to a standard? (none of us do; it's all faked, lol) Is it just 'squicky' to you?

    TL:Dr: talk it out with your SO before freaking out. He's probably just watching it 'just because'. And hey, it might give him some good ideas to try out with you-I have porn to thank for a few memorable nights ;)
  • ZombieGeezUs
    ZombieGeezUs Posts: 476
    Options
    It may come as a shock to some people, but there are many others out there who do not like porn and do not use it. There are also people who, for the sake of their SOs, keep a simple promise. This isn't about porn or not enough sex, it's about two incompatible views and a broken promise. And apparently also an ex from a year ago. Perhaps it's time to find someone who shares your views, instead of half-heartedly sort of putting up with them.

    Really? So you have never promised yourself something, then broke it? The ex this is bad and yeah, if she doesn't like him viewing porn, then maybe she should find someone else. Good luck finding a guy that fits all of your criteria and also doesn't view porn.
  • sypop
    sypop Posts: 102 Member
    Options
    mabey suprise him and ask to watch porn with him? it could spice up what you already have and show you what he is intrested in when he is watching...and mabey you will see that you like it too :smile: this is how i learned that porn is kinda hott :wink:
  • _SABOTEUR_
    _SABOTEUR_ Posts: 6,833 Member
    Options
    You need to have a discussion with him about whether he is sexually satisfied. If he is not, discover why and see if it is something you are prepared to do something about. It could just be variety that is needed. Change of position/location and bit of dress up etc.

    It may be that he has a higher sex drive than you. You can, of course, force him to repress this but it could lead to other unwanted behaviour (e.g. photo exchanges with exes or even cheating.)

    If you dislike him watching porn because it is with women other than yourself, perhaps you could take photos together or make a movie that he could use when he is feeling frustrated, but you do not want to have sex.

    If you disaprove of him masturbating in general and you have wildly different sex drives it may become a major problem for you.
  • ZombieGeezUs
    ZombieGeezUs Posts: 476
    Options
    I hate my phone
  • PhoenixStrikes
    PhoenixStrikes Posts: 587 Member
    Options
    guys like porn. end thread

    So do women. It annoys me when some women make a big deal out of porn. Seriously get over it, some times they like to watch but not actually do the things they see in porn. Stop equating watching porn to your not being good enough.
  • sypop
    sypop Posts: 102 Member
    Options
    guys like porn. end thread
    Girls like porn too.

    truth
  • ZombieGeezUs
    ZombieGeezUs Posts: 476
    Options
    Whoops
  • Briargrey
    Briargrey Posts: 498 Member
    Options
    guys like porn. end thread
    Girls like porn too.

    truth

    Damn right.
  • metaphoria
    metaphoria Posts: 1,432 Member
    Options
    It may come as a shock to some people, but there are many others out there who do not like porn and do not use it. There are also people who, for the sake of their SOs, keep a simple promise. This isn't about porn or not enough sex, it's about two incompatible views and a broken promise. And apparently also an ex from a year ago. Perhaps it's time to find someone who shares your views, instead of half-heartedly sort of putting up with them.

    Really? So you have never promised yourself something, then broke it? The ex this is bad and yeah, if she doesn't like him viewing porn, then maybe she should find someone else. Good luck finding a guy that fits all of your criteria and also doesn't view porn.

    All my criteria?? I mentioned not liking porn, keeps promises and maybe indirectly I mentioned doesn't mess around with his exes. That bar isn't set very high off the ground. Lol

    It's interesting to me that people are telling her to get comfortable with it, accept it without question and even join in when she doesnt want to, but are totally shocked that she would dare ask him to be comfortable without it.

    Like I said, incompatible. If it's a deal breaker, break the deal because he has already proven he's unlikely to stop, especially with so many people cheering him on.
  • lizziebeth1028
    lizziebeth1028 Posts: 3,602 Member
    Options
    Hi all. This is way out of my comfort zone. I have been struggling with something that I need to talk about though. I can't post this on fb or any other site where ppl know me because it's just too embarrassing and raw right now. I get to the point... My bf and I have been together for almost 3 yrs. he has known how I feel about porn and the other day I saw lots of porn pages and a video in our internet history. I've never caught him looking at porn before. BUT I did find 3 pics or his ex on his phone almost a year ago. We got past that because he promised it would never happen again. I decided to trust him but then this happens a few days ago. I am very hurt by the porn but even more hurt he broke his promise and my trust in him. Anybody with experiences like this? Guys and girls. How do I get over this? Is he going to keep breaking these promises? Sorry if this is a weird subject but all responses are really really appreciated.

    And you broke his trust by snooping around his internet history. Lot's of people like porn, guys and girls, it's not the end of the world. It's only a problem if he prefers to watch porn and eh hem take care of himself more than he likes being intimate with you. And if that's the case...porn really isn't the issue either, it' s the relationship in general.
This discussion has been closed.

Categories