Girlfriend's Words Hurt

DonnaAidana
DonnaAidana Posts: 20
in Motivation and Support
Hello,

My name is Donna and I'm trying to lose my last few pounds. I got advice on this website to eat more and add some strength training to my plan, which I'm trying to take to heart, but when I announced my changes to my girlfriend, thinking she'd be happy for me because she's always nagging me to eat more anyway, she laughed in my face. Then she slapped my butt and said

'you think you're gonna lose that big booty?'

This really hurts me. She knows I've been made fun of for my butt my whole life (it's huge) and she knows I'm very insecure, but she makes comments like that anyway. She tells me all the time how big my butt is and I know she thinks she's being funny or cute or affectionate, but she's not! It really HURTS; I just want to cry. Not only that but I know she doesn't think I can lose this last five pounds because she's always telling me to give up and just let it be; she doesn't believe in me at all.

How can I make her understand how awful she makes me feel? I just feel so awful and low, like I want to give up.
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Replies

  • Jericha1992
    Jericha1992 Posts: 80 Member
    Does she know this is how you feel about it?

    And is is possible that she's telling you to stop not because she doesn't think you can do it, but because she likes the way you look now?

    My boyfriend does the same thing sometimes... makes pretty innocent jokes about my jiggly bits, and it does hurt my feelings. But it doesn't happen nearly so often after I had a serious talk with him about how it makes me feel.

    Seriously, though, it sounds like she may be joking in this way because she LIKES how you look now. Still, I would just have a talk with her to let her know that even though it doesn't seem like a big deal, hearing things like that sucks.

    Good luck. :)
  • jamk1446
    jamk1446 Posts: 5,577 Member
    1. If her saying that is hurtful, even if she is joking, you need to tell her that.
    2. From looking at your pic, is it possible you don't see yourself accurately? I don't see ghetto booty or a need to lose 5 pounds. You look like a healthy, lovely young woman.
  • Katsumii
    Katsumii Posts: 20
    She's either insensitive or a total *****. Possibly even jealous and insecure.

    Like the other girls said, if you still want to be friends with her, you should let her know how you feel about what she said. You don't want to spend your time with people who make you feel bad.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,455 Member
    .
  • D8vidFitness
    D8vidFitness Posts: 104
    post it :)
    I don't understand girls and their butt insecurity, most men love em!
  • Achrya
    Achrya Posts: 16,913 Member
    Just break up.

    Alternatively maybe she realizes you don't have weight to lose and is trying to say that but it's coming out badly.

    ...nah. Just break up
  • Achrya
    Achrya Posts: 16,913 Member
    post it :)
    I don't understand girls and their butt insecurity, most men love em!

    I don't think male appreciation of her butt is one of the OP's concerns. Just a hunch.
  • MinMin97
    MinMin97 Posts: 2,674 Member
    1. If her saying that is hurtful, even if she is joking, you need to tell her that.
    2. From looking at your pic, is it possible you don't see yourself accurately? I don't see ghetto booty or a need to lose 5 pounds. You look like a healthy, lovely young woman.
    Exactly.
  • losingwhatican
    losingwhatican Posts: 26 Member
    She shouldn't be making hurtful comments about something she knows you feel bad about, and especially something you've struggled with for a long time. It doesn't matter if she doesn't mean to hurt your feelings - she IS hurting your feelings, and she should want to change that. If telling her this straight out doesn't change things, that tells you she cares more about her "jokes" than about being a good girlfriend. You deserve to be with people who encourage you and support you!
  • lilpoindexter
    lilpoindexter Posts: 1,122 Member
    I would have to look closely at your butt to be able to comment on this situation.
  • GBrady43068
    GBrady43068 Posts: 1,256 Member
    1. If her saying that is hurtful, even if she is joking, you need to tell her that.
    2. From looking at your pic, is it possible you don't see yourself accurately? I don't see ghetto booty or a need to lose 5 pounds. You look like a healthy, lovely young woman.
    This.
  • Striving4Fit_MrsOrtiz
    Striving4Fit_MrsOrtiz Posts: 399 Member
    Pretty much everything Jamk1446 said. She could also be trying to indicate she doesn't think you need to lose the weight and she loves your butt. My BF got really upset when I said I need to lose my butt and I'm 40lbs overweight! Maybe just talk to her and explain how it really makes you feel.

    From your pics, you look very petite! Just talk to her. Right now I'm overweight but when I lose weight I still want my Rican booty. Lol
  • arc8706
    arc8706 Posts: 28
    I think she just likes your butt, tbh,

    If you are hurt by what she is saying though, TELL HER! She obviously doesn't understand how much it affects you, and that's not good. She needs to know so she can be more understanding and realize that just because she likes that part of you, she shouldn't be teasing you.

    My husband is kind of like you in that there are parts of him that I love (his "chub" on his stomach for example) but he doesn't, and I have to be sensitive to that and know that I can't joke about it, even affectionately.

    (Edited to change "boyfriend" to "husband" geez we've been married almost 2 years now and I'm still making that mistake...)
  • DonnaAidana
    DonnaAidana Posts: 20
    She knows it bothers me, because ive told her before its a touchy subject and I've been teased before. I don't want to break up, I really love her and she's the only person I've ever dated, we've been together for two years. I know she loves me, but then she says things like that and it's just so awful.

    I don't know what to do.

    I'm 110 pounds, but my butt is just huge
  • delicious_cocktail
    delicious_cocktail Posts: 5,797 Member
    Listen, she's just trying to manipulate you and lower your self esteem so you stay with her. It's called "negging" (FROM NEGATIVE to be clear). The less you think of yourself, the more you depend on her for approval, and the more she can control you. Think about it.
  • DonnaAidana
    DonnaAidana Posts: 20
    Listen, she's just trying to manipulate you and lower your self esteem so you stay with her. It's called "negging" (FROM NEGATIVE to be clear). The less you think of yourself, the more you depend on her for approval, and the more she can control you. Think about it.

    That might make sense. That's why she doesn't want me to lose weight and encourages me to eat more/cardio less?
  • delicious_cocktail
    delicious_cocktail Posts: 5,797 Member
    Listen, she's just trying to manipulate you and lower your self esteem so you stay with her. It's called "negging" (FROM NEGATIVE to be clear). The less you think of yourself, the more you depend on her for approval, and the more she can control you. Think about it.

    That might make sense. That's why she doesn't want me to lose weight and encourages me to eat more/cardio less?

    I mean, that's possible. I was looking at the psychiatric side. Perhaps it's possible that she truly wants you to be undesirable to others, as well, instead of just thinking that you're undesirable. There is also a fetish called "feederism" where the "feeder" (in this case, your GF) gets arousal from causing you to over eat and gain wait. Trust me, just don't google it. You don't want to read that stuff.

    Edited to add:
    http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/channel/taboo/videos/feederism/

    I'm not saying that this is certainly in your future. But it's absolutely very, very likely.
  • Topsking2010
    Topsking2010 Posts: 2,245 Member
    Did you say in your profile you didn't want a "Huge Ghetto Booty". You cannot be serious!!!


    Nothing is better than a sista with a nice booty!!!
  • holly1283
    holly1283 Posts: 741 Member
    Yes, they are hurtful. My situation was different and it took me years to tell someone that it made me feel hurt and please not say it anymore. Believe it or not it was never brought up again and there were no hard feelings in his part. No one likes confrontation. Just tell her how it makes you feel. Don't say YOU hurt by saying..... just that you felt hurt. Try not to put them on the defensive. I hope this helps.
  • BaoCat
    BaoCat Posts: 42
    Well, before you just do the straight up break up, trying taking an assertive stand when she does it next. I know, not easy, but turn around and ask her as cool as you can "Why do you way that when you know it hurts my feelings?"

    See if a dialog can happen.

    If not, it may then be the start of "I'm no longer going to put up with this... or you."

    But I think it's always worth it to try and get the other person to talk, assuming it's not a volatile relationship. You may find she's got some deep hurts as well, or knee jerk reactions out of fear.

    Anyway, if you love her, it's worth trying to put it out on the table and ask. Maybe it'll help. Maybe not. It's not easy to talk about stuff like that, or keep the emotion buckled down to ask serious questions. But it's worth the effort. Never hurts to read up on stuff like that either... all I can think of is a work related book called 'crucial conversations', but there's tons of stuff out there like that.

    But if you do break up, you'll have the satisfaction of knowing that YOU TRIED. If she can't respect your feelings, and she can't express why she does it and work on her end of things, then there's nothing you could have done to make it better.
  • junlex123
    junlex123 Posts: 81 Member
    Listen, she's just trying to manipulate you and lower your self esteem so you stay with her. It's called "negging" (FROM NEGATIVE to be clear). The less you think of yourself, the more you depend on her for approval, and the more she can control you. Think about it.

    That might make sense. That's why she doesn't want me to lose weight and encourages me to eat more/cardio less?

    I mean, that's possible. I was looking at the psychiatric side. Perhaps it's possible that she truly wants you to be undesirable to others, as well, instead of just thinking that you're undesirable. There is also a fetish called "feederism" where the "feeder" (in this case, your GF) gets arousal from causing you to over eat and gain wait. Trust me, just don't google it. You don't want to read that stuff.

    Edited to add:
    http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/channel/taboo/videos/feederism/

    I'm not saying that this is certainly in your future. But it's absolutely very, very likely.

    All this stuff is certainly a possibility, but also possible is that her GF genuinely feels the OP is perfect as she is and might be worried about losing weight to an unhealthy extent (not sure how tall OP is but 110lbs is pretty light), and is trying to avoid confrontation over the issue through use of humour/teasing without realising how big an issue this is causing.

    OP you really ought to have a full and frank discussion about it with your girlfriend.
  • meshashesha2012
    meshashesha2012 Posts: 8,329 Member
    tell your friends if they say things that hurt you. if they are truly your friend then they would want to know .

    and be proud of your butt, some of us have o work really hard in the gym to develop a 'donk.
  • Minxy103
    Minxy103 Posts: 50
    You are SO slim!

    I have always been so self-conscious about my bum, even when I was slim. Now people flaunt it so DO that. They are in vogue so go for it girl.
  • cafeaulait7
    cafeaulait7 Posts: 2,459 Member
    She might not want you to get 'perfect' because she doesn't want you to notice her wobbly bits too much ;) If you think you need to lose 5 lbs, what must you think of her body, etc.

    At your cute as h*ll size, I bet your butt looks really good being big. It really is a figure so many women want! I bet she likes it, too.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
    I think you should just turn the other cheek.
  • redladywitch
    redladywitch Posts: 799 Member
    I think you should just turn the other cheek.

    :laugh:
  • DopeItUp
    DopeItUp Posts: 18,771 Member
    Just....squat and deadlift.
  • nikilis
    nikilis Posts: 2,305 Member
    How can I make her understand how awful she makes me feel?

    you could, well, talk to her about it?

    either that or just burn her clothes and write "see what you did to me!" in blood on the mirror.

    i think option 1.
  • whitebalance
    whitebalance Posts: 1,654 Member
    Oooooh, I had a boyfriend just like that in college. It was a terrible, miserable two years on the emotional roller coaster from hell. Go re-read what Delicious-Cocktail posted. He's almost certainly nailed it. It's your first relationship... I'll bet you can do better. She knows it, and thinks that shredding your self-esteem will keep her in control over you. That's a crappy basis for any relationship, girl. Don't settle for nasty put-downs for the rest of your life.
  • SkinnyMarni3
    SkinnyMarni3 Posts: 73 Member
    Girls can be jealous and toxic, I had a friend like that, always making mean remarks like that with a smile, making me feel awful.
    Once I just had enough and told her she was seriously pissing me off and we've not talk to each other much since. Just tell her how it makes you feel and if she doesn't stop then she is just a bad friend.

    I also have a big butt. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it! most guys really like it actually, my boyfriend has asked me to not get my butt too small dieting (haha!). I used to feel so bad about it; now I really don't care.... Big butts are sexy okay? look at the love Kim K is getting

    edit: ooooh I see you are not interested in guys lol, I've been reading too fast... Well I'm pretty sure same goes for women.

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