Serious question for men

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  • vtmoon
    vtmoon Posts: 3,436 Member
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    I'm 37 and he is 33. He cares about his career and sports. That is it.

    Stressful job? His teams are doing bad? Those all can kill the Testosterone levels. Not sure what to say, maybe he is not making you happy in bed quality wise so he tries to avoid it?
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
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    I was with a guy for 3yrs. He wouldn't make a move on me unless he was drunk. If I initiated sex--he would have sex with me. He often would "take care of himself" in the shower or when I wasn't home. He thinks I didn't know--but I'm not an idiot. I feel I'm attractive and I never had complaints in that area before. He said he just wasn't interested in sex. So, why would he be interested when he was alone? My question--if you had it your way would you rather handle things yourself or would you rather have sex?

    So then initiate it all the time. Problem solved.
  • glenclouser
    glenclouser Posts: 21 Member
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    Is it possible he has issues with feeling adequate? Many men struggle with insecurities. The sexual act can create pressure for a man to be "up to the task" that perhaps he is afraid of the feeling of not "doing it right". I don't know your relationship or him personally of course. When you have sex alone there is no pressure to do or be anything...you just do it. Just a thought.
  • BostonStrong617
    BostonStrong617 Posts: 117
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    He could be gay...?

    I mean there are lots of reasons for this but...it seems like that could be within the realm of possibility.

    But more likely he's just shy especially if it's while drunk? I've always been like that, well I was when I used to drink. I have a really hard time initiating sex but never came across a guy with that issue, however that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I was always pretty good a communicating from that start that I was really shy about initiating sex but that it wasn't about lack desire.

    I am also on a medication that lowers my sex drive so that can be difficult too. So I'm not trying to say being gay is the only reason someone might not be initiating sex, just that it's a possibility.

    Also I am not a man but...perspective is perspective? I think sex is a really important part of a relationship so if you're not satisfied it's probably better off you broke up. And I wouldn't spend a bunch of time analyzing the reasons for why he was lacking sex drive if you're not still dating
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
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    I'm deeply amused at the people thinking he is gay.
  • TeamDale1
    TeamDale1 Posts: 52
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    Maybe he is addicted to porn. Maybe he is afraid of a close relationship.
  • mister_universe
    mister_universe Posts: 6,664 Member
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    I'm deeply amused at the people thinking he is gay.

    I'm deeply amused that nobody can offer constructive advice despite the problem being obvious.
  • _jayciemarie_
    _jayciemarie_ Posts: 574 Member
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    I was with a guy for 3yrs. He wouldn't make a move on me unless he was drunk. If I initiated sex--he would have sex with me. He often would "take care of himself" in the shower or when I wasn't home. He thinks I didn't know--but I'm not an idiot. I feel I'm attractive and I never had complaints in that area before. He said he just wasn't interested in sex. So, why would he be interested when he was alone? My question--if you had it your way would you rather handle things yourself or would you rather have sex?

    So then initiate it all the time. Problem solved.

    I spent the first two years I initiating. Then I started getting rejected. So I quit initiating. It ruined the relationship. I can't really explain it but I WANT to feel WANTED. If I'm always initiating, I don't get that feeling.
  • MM_1982
    MM_1982 Posts: 374
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    Maybe he is addicted to porn. Maybe he is afraid of a close relationship.

    This.
  • TonyCrux89
    TonyCrux89 Posts: 23
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    Maybe he wasn't attracted to you, although you ARE attractive. The guy is too scared to say anything and rather just plunge into it using alcohol. Sex, but I can't speak for anyone else and if they like to off themselves over sex, who's to judge them? Maybe you guys should try spicing things up, as well -- dildoes, porn, non-standard sex. Our try someone else.
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
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    I'm deeply amused at the people thinking he is gay.

    I'm deeply amused that nobody can offer constructive advice despite the problem being obvious.

    We're waiting.
  • pseudomuffin
    pseudomuffin Posts: 1,058 Member
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    He may have some kinks or sexual interests that he's repressed enough not to be able to talk to you about them. That's why he can get off by himself--the fantasy is complete in his mind but he can't complete it with you so it ruins it for him. My ex was like this, I found out towards the end of our relationship that he was really into femdom and a few other things that were very hard limits for me. It would've been nice to know earlier but I wasn't honest with him about my kinks either (I'm very into BDSM but I require a dominant partner) and eventually there was the realization of total incompatibility.

    It sucks when you're with a partner you're totally out of your element with. I know how it feels! But it's not that you're unattractive, you're just on different pages. Chalk it up to a learning experience, figure out what you want and seek that out in total openness in your next relationship :)
  • golfmanwl
    golfmanwl Posts: 69
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    IMHO, it wasn't you per se, but the relationship. If he'd rather take care of himself than have real sex with a partner, he's either not into you, the relationship, or not into the quality of sex you two are having.
  • salladeve
    salladeve Posts: 1,053 Member
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    I guess I just don't get it. You spent 3 years with him, was he always like this? What made you fall in love with him and move in together? Is he otherwise affectionate?

    Bottom line is that he just isn't into you. If a guy is really into you, he will hit it even AFTER taking care of himself. just saying
  • Rgtjax85
    Rgtjax85 Posts: 99 Member
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    It is rooted in selfishness. He only cares about his needs. It is easier to take care of just himself than please you. You need to find someone that cares for your whole person, mind, body and spirit. He could be straight as an arrow but so hung up on porn etc. that he has an emotional disconnect with living breathing people.
  • 722_christina_722
    722_christina_722 Posts: 325
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    I totally understand. Been there...done that! I can say that he is probably NOT GAY. Despite popular belief guys don't have to be gay in order to reject a woman or not want to have sex. There are a million different reasons. Ask the guy. If he isn't communicating with you, this isn't a healthy relationship anyway. Its time to move on. It doesn't really matter why he doesn't want to sleep with you, or why he prefers to please himself...what matters is that you aren't able to talk about it with him and solve the problem. I guess what I am saying is RELATIONSHIP OVER!!! If you are with someone who you love and who loves you, you have all your needs met. Sex is one of those needs.

    Hope you find a guy who can make you happy....but you can also make him happy too. :)
  • wolverine66
    wolverine66 Posts: 3,780 Member
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    try as people might, i don't think they are going to correctly guess why this man does this.

    but most will agree that this is an issue that is his, because, in general, men would prefer sex over *kitten*.
  • SrJoben
    SrJoben Posts: 484 Member
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    I was with a guy for 3yrs. He wouldn't make a move on me unless he was drunk. If I initiated sex--he would have sex with me. He often would "take care of himself" in the shower or when I wasn't home. He thinks I didn't know--but I'm not an idiot. I feel I'm attractive and I never had complaints in that area before. He said he just wasn't interested in sex. So, why would he be interested when he was alone? My question--if you had it your way would you rather handle things yourself or would you rather have sex?

    So then initiate it all the time. Problem solved.


    This...this might be genius.

    I like pragmatic solutions.
  • mister_universe
    mister_universe Posts: 6,664 Member
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    I'm deeply amused at the people thinking he is gay.

    I'm deeply amused that nobody can offer constructive advice despite the problem being obvious.

    We're waiting.

    OP was justified in splitting. Her boyfriend has somehow lost his natural manly tendencies (the how is not particularly important), and it will likely take years to rebuild even if he knew where to start.

    It's our job as men to initiate. Not every time, but as a general it is preferred that we do, it's in part what makes a woman feel wanted. He isn't doing that, nor is he being sexually available generally. Those are both core functions as a man. She WILL find him less attractive as a result, no matter what other wonderful personality traits he possesses.

    If she initiates full time, she will still find him less attractive than she would if he we were initiating. Availability is only partial credit.
  • TX_Rhon
    TX_Rhon Posts: 1,549 Member
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    Edited to say: Nevermind - question was answered.

    And very interesting answering, Mr. U!.........I actually think I understood it, ha!!

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