Serious question for men

Perhaps it was an issue of sensitivity. Some guys haven't got especially sensitive junk, relatively speaking, and find 'doing things by hand' provides more sensation.

Have you asked him about it?
He might have some kind of psychological issue with sex. Maybe he feels "safe" enough when he does things by himself, because he's just taking care of a normal need, but when it comes to join someone else it gets difficult for him. If this happened since the beginning he might have had some problems with sex before he met you. Maybe he doesn't enjoy the shared side of sex because something happened in his life, maybe he's got some kind of demi-sexuality, maybe he's got a low sex drive for medical reasons, or well, maybe he doesn't even know why he's in a relationship, but keeps going since it's hard to let go. To be honest I think that we live in a over-sexualized world, yes sex is important but just if it's consesual and shared. I guess that two people can be together without actually having sex but there must be a good reason underneath, since it's such a normal and healthy desire.

Problems with physical intimacy in a relationship can be broken down into two categories, psychological and physiological. I believe it is correct to say that in most instances there are multiple factors that are a combination of the two categories. This can happen to both women and men. A man not wanting to be physically intimate with an opposite sex partner does not automatically equate to attraction to the same sex. A partner of either sex not engaging is physical intimacy, in most cases, has very little to do with the other person when it begins to become an issue.

Two major contributing factors to sexual intimacy issues are stress and fatigue. We live in the go-go-go culture. We always need to be filling our schedules to the brim without pause, without breaks. Work demands, deadlines, rushing about to cram it all into a limited number of hours wears a person down. The constant 24/7 stress-o-thon generates fatigue. Then we add to the fatigue our own self-induced sleep deprivation. Did you know that between 2005-2007 it was estimated in studies that 30% of adults in American were getting less than 6 hours of sleep per night, and that a growing number were getting less than 8 full hours?[1] In this situation there can often times be a desire for sexual gratification, sexual release. The problem is there isn't anything left in the proverbial gas tank to fuel a sexual encounter with one's partner.

A growing number of people in the United States are being diagnosed with some form of depression. It is estimated that upwards of 10% of the population may be experiencing some form of depression at any given time.[2] In many cases a symptom of depression is the lowering of sexual desire. Further, many of the anti-depressant medications used to treat depression will actually suppress the sex drive in both men and women. Generalized anxiety can also have an effect on drive a function. *Edit* Additionally, addiction behavior can become such an investment of time and energy to fulfill the addiction that other activities, such as, sex get lost in the background.

Fitness and diet are another place where sexual desire, drive, and function can be influenced, both positively and negatively. A person who eats poorly, and/or is inactive and out of shape can lower not only their sex drive, but their sexual function. I believe this really can be tie into both the fatigue and the mental states previously addressed. It has been shown time and again that a healthy diet and some form of exercise increases the libido. Period. Another aspect of health that affects libido is serious health problems. Heart disease, diabetes, cancer, PCOS, and whole litany of other issues can impact our sex lives.

While we are on the topic of health, low testosterone levels (and gods how I hate hearing "Low-T"). This can be a serious health condition and I do not want to detract from it. It can absolutely be the cause of sexual dysfunction and the loss of drive. However, the truth is that we do not have a clear understanding of the prevalence of deficient testosterone levels in men.[3] One study from the article cited places the figure at 5.6% of males ages 30-79. Another study puts the number at 39% of males ages 40 and up. The problem is that the definition of what constitutes low testosterone varies in the studies, as well as other factors. One thing that is becoming clear though is that in younger men with lower testosterone levels have trending comorbidities that include obesity, diabetes, chronic opiate use, steroid abuse, and stress.

Moving out of the range of personal health and personal life-style issues that can impact libido, there is the interpersonal relationship between the two partners. When the issue falls outside of identifiable personal causes, or once the issue begins to affect the other partner (and it will), addressing the relationship becomes critical. The litany of issues that can arise here are legion, but the keystone can be identified as communication. Partners who are not talking to one another effectively, whether that is a person not expressing themselves, the other person not listening well, or a combination of both, will effectively sabotage the sexual relationship. The sexual health of a relationship is often times an indicator of bigger issues, but it can be the powder keg that blows the whole thing to flinders. The emotional ties to feeling forced into sex (in the sense it is a chore, not in the sense of assault), and at the same time the feeling of rejection on the other side, has to be approached patiently, caringly, and neutrally as possible.


[1] http://www.cdc.gov/features/dssleep/
[2] http://www.cdc.gov/features/dsdepression/
[3] http://www.medscape.org/viewarticle/746602