I Hate Myself

I'm new here, but not new to your feelings of self-loathing and depression about life in general. Seeing a counsellor may help, but you may be able to deal with the over-eating more simply. I don't mean to imply that you're eating too much, just maybe too much in one session - you lose control, then you feel guilty, then anger at yourself, the self-loathing and so the cycle starts anew.

There are a couple of techniques for helping your body realise that you've eaten enough. One is to eat with a knife and fork and put them down between each mouthful. What most of us do is pre-load the form with the next mouthful, then shovel it in before the last one has gone down. Second idea is to chew everything 20 times, or until the texture has broken down. FEEL how the food feels in your mouth. As your teeth and saliva go to work, you release the taste and texture. Food can become more enjoyable! Clearly this doesn't work with soup.

Oh yes - don't do other things at the same time. I can eat 2 sandwiches at my desk in front of my computer and I'll hardly know I've eaten!

For a while, don't worry about WHAT you eat. If you want a cookie, go ahead. Just chew it properly, then before you reach for the next one ask yourself "have I had enough?". This helps make eating a conscious activity. Just like logging the food here.

Good luck!

I'm sure people post this sort of thing all the time. And I'm not even sure what I'm looking for or what sorts of responses I'm expecting to get, if any. But I'm at an all-time low, and I need to vent and complain, so if you're even just reading this, thanks.

I hate myself. I look in the mirror, and see my belly fat hanging over my waistband, with my gigantic elephant thighs and flabby butt, and just feel like I'm the ugliest, most disgusting glob of human being ever. Like if someone would cut me open all that would come out is oozing fat, because most of the time, that's all I see.

But then it's more than that. My appearance reminds me of my lack of self-control. Because really, I must be five years old or something because who can't find it in them to say no to the fifth cookie or the tenth spoonful of sugar? I already feel full and I still eat another helping at every meal. I don't even know why. It's instant gratification, I guess. I want something tasty, and I see it, and I eat it. And then I feel guilty. It's this endless cycle that I can't seem to put a stop to because I have no self-discipline. I just can't say "no." The only way to lose weight that has ever worked is for me to be so restrictive that I can't eat anything. I go for hours without eating and then binge on 1200 calories worth of stuff and that's my day. That's how I've lost 16 pounds this past year. And now, I've just lost it. In terms of habits, I'm right where I was a year ago. I eat anything and everything in sight, and at the end of the day I just feel miserable and sick and worthless. But I don't know how to stop. I live in a house with three other people, so I can't get rid of the bad food around me.

And yet, I know it's my fault. I should have the motivation. I should have the self-control. And I don't know why I don't, or how I'm supposed to get it. I'm sitting here dying to go and binge but instead I'm trying to write this post. Every night I resolve that tomorrow will be better. And then it isn't. At the rate I'm going, I'm just going to gain back everything I've lost and then some. I'm so frustrated and sometimes all I want to do is cry. And then I feel stupid, because really, there are so many worse problems in the world and my life could be so much worse and yet I hate myself so much that it seems like everything else in my life is equally awful. There are more important things in life than being skinny. But I can't seem to remember that every time I step on the scale or look in the mirror. And yet, when I'm around food, the ONLY thought that goes through my head is "EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT." I am a failure.

First of all, you should see a counselor. It's possible you've developed a food addiction or that you're compensation for some other stress in your life.
Second of all, the media in this country does a pretty good job of making us all think, especially women, that our self-worth lies strictly in our body shape. There is so much more to who you are than what your body looks like. Are a you a good person? Nice to strangers? Try your best at work and with family? Those are much more important than what your body looks like. If each of us looks back over our lives, we shoudn't be thinking, "Did I look good enough?" But rather, "What kind of a person have I been?"

Seek a trusted adult and/or a professional.

^^ THIS!!

Posting a TL/DR post alont with such a lovely title is a surefire way to have a trainwreck of a thread by the afternoon. Because pretty soon everyones 2 cents will be given (which is great) but when people start disagreeing with each other, the thread will be derailed, people will start arguing about how you should live your life and it will all be eventually deleted. Then how will you feel about yourself?

Seek a trusted adult and/or a professional.

^^ THIS!!

Posting a TL/DR post alont with such a lovely title is a surefire way to have a trainwreck of a thread by the afternoon. Because pretty soon everyones 2 cents will be given (which is great) but when people start disagreeing with each other, the thread will be derailed, people will start arguing about how you should live your life and it will all be eventually deleted. Then how will you feel about yourself?

Well aren't you just a negative Nancy. Looking over this thread, I don't see any opposing views, but rather a lot of people who are willing to reach out and help, except for you. Condemning someone for reaching out is like yelling "Jump!" to someone on the roof of a building. If you can't be supportive, perhaps you should keep your opinions to yourself.

Posting a TL/DR post alont with such a lovely title is a surefire way to have a trainwreck of a thread by the afternoon. Because pretty soon everyones 2 cents will be given (which is great) but when people start disagreeing with each other, the thread will be derailed, people will start arguing about how you should live your life and it will all be eventually deleted. Then how will you feel about yourself?

Looks like you're trying to make this happen. No one has been anything but understanding and supportive to the OP. And no one is telling anyone how to live.

She feels bad about herself and people here can empathize with that and offer a little perspective. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this post or thread. Why turn it into something it isn't?

Im sorry. Its because I hate myself too and historically, people havent been very supportive in other threads. :sad: My apologies.

:flowerforyou:

To be honest, my first reaction to your post was, "This isn't your first MFP Rodeo, is it?" :laugh: I saw your post as trying to help OP and warn that sometimes things get ugly so this thread may backfire and not to personalize and further beat herself up if it does.

OP, I agree with those suggesting seeking therapy and medical evaluation. My guess is that helping sort out the underlying causes of binging will help you tremendously. A doctor and dietitian may be able to help evaluate whether your body processes are causing you extra trouble and help you address that, and a therapist can help you figure out if anything like depression or the way you feel about yourself is contributing. Best of luck to you. :flowerforyou:

I havent read all the reply, but I wanted to say that at your weight, you should probably start exercising and eating ALL your exercise calories. You will feel more full and satisfied (if I do another 15 minutes of running I can eat rice with my meal, etc.) AND your body will start to look like you want. You can try to starve yourself to be skinny, but if you want that small radiant healthy look, it is 1000x more about exercise then diet. Because you are already at an healthy BMI, your goal should all be about fitness and you should set myfitnesspal to maintenance or .5 pound a week MAX. For begginer I suggest 30 day shred from Jillian Michaels and C25K if you would like to run (which improved my mood like crazy. When I run 3x week, I feel sexy even at 216 pound! If I don't exercise, I feel ugly even if I weight less)... It's all in our head


Good luck.

Won't believe the progress you'll make once you "LIKE YOURSELF UNCONDITIONALLY". I preach it to all my clients and use the mantra myself every day. Cheesy? Maybe, but I'll attribute it to why I don't let obstacles or setbacks deter me.

A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

I know what I am about to say is not commonplace enough for it to be accepted as truth, but as I read your post all I see is a bunch of "I'm not" "I can't" "I'm a failure" etc. etc.

And so it is true that those beliefs that you hold the MOST close will mirror themselves back at you UNTIL you finally decide to think something different. In psychology it is called confirmation bias.

Self compassion and gratitude will go a long way for you. Most people here have responded to you giving you tactical ways in which to cope, move on, feel better. I am here to tell you it starts with your mind. You cannot move forward positively if you have a weak psychological foundation. It will be like building on quicksand.

What you really need to do is self-work. Not self-work as in eating better, exercising. You need to go inside of yourself, face all of your limiting beliefs, your fears, your sadness and upset, evaluate whether or not these things are even valid. i.e. saying youre a failure is an egregious folly. How are you a failure? If you switched your POV it could easily be seen that you are a shining success. For one, you are AWARE of your issues. Second, YOU ARE YOUNG and aware. What an effing gift that is. Some people go half their lives or their whole lives living in anesthetized denial of their issues. I see your acknowledgment as a blessing. And it took courage. This, to me, makes you extremely successful.

Self compassion: For you this means accepting where you are now. You must know there were people who were much heavier than you who had the discipline to chisel themselves down. There. So you already know it is possible for you. Hold these people in high esteem. Self love and acceptance is the oil that will allow your transition to go smoothly. Positive reinforcement has been proven to help children learn in classrooms, to help workers be more productive, to help those with mental illnesses feel more at ease. And so it is for you. You must champion yourself. Okay, so you binged on 1200 calories at once. Yelling at yourself and calling yourself names WON'T change that behavior. Being kind and gentle with yourself, saying things like "I messed up today. That is okay. Tomorrow I will start again and I know I can do better" will do TONS more for your self esteem. If you had a personal trainer that was as mean as you are to yourself, you'd fire them immediately.

Gratitude: So you aren't where you want to be. That's ok. But LOOK AROUND. Look at everything you DO have! You say your thighs are big, but those very thighs allow you to jump, dance and move around. Be grateful for that. Be grateful that you have this community. Look outside the context of fitness and see that you also probably have great friends, family, talents, material items, etc. Moreover, you have your YOUTH and your HEALTH. Darling, SOOOOOOOOOO many people don't have that. When you focus on what you DO have, all that you don't have melts away. You'll be so energized and happy for what you've got, and this vibration will cause only good. Not only will you see yourself, and your life differently, you'll also make the positive changes that you want to badly.

You can start today. All you have to do is change your mind about yourself and your predicament. You have the power of perspective. You can choose to see everything through a grainy filter, or do yourself the justice of seeing only that which is good. And when you do the latter, the good will multiple and run over.

Best of luck dear! I hope some of what I said makes sense.

:flowerforyou:

Oh hon. Please talk to somebody. You do not deserve to feel so bad about yourself.

I've found the National Eating Disorders Association to be hugely helpful in getting through the terrible things I think about myself. Their hotline is 1-800-931-2237. Mon-Thu 9 am- 9 pm, Fri 9 am-5 pm. Start there. They'll give you a sympathetic ear.

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/can-you-tell-anything-persons-weight

Don't hate yourself.. And I don't think there is anything wrong with you.. Food is to dang good.. Its amazing!!!! But to much of it is not.. Its that simple .. I lost ten pounds in 3 weeks and I still have sweets at night.. Chocolate.. Just not to much...=) Cheer up and tomorrow is a new day.. All we do as people is the best we can.. Don't be so hard on yourself..

This is really sad. Hate is such a strong word.
Get yourself in the frame of mind that you want to look and feel beautiful, until you do that, you will find it hard to lose weight thus hating yourself more, it's a vicious circle. If you feel you can't get to that frame of mind, see a professional.
:flowerforyou:

And just for the record...I see a beautiful young lady

And yet...

People think it's perfectly acceptable to say such things about themselves. It's kinda hypocritical isn't it? We are more apt to come to the defense of a complete stranger or a friend who gets put down and called names, we will spend hours consoling someone trying to build up their self-esteem, but then turn around and put ourselves down because, somehow, for some reason, that's ok.

QFT.