Feel the love but no passion, or romance

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1a1a
1a1a Posts: 762 Member
in Chit-Chat
Time to ask one of those questions you aren't meant to ask random strangers in a public space. But these thoughts swirl around my head from time to time and I'd like to get them out.

Cliche I know but the passion and sexy desire times have gone out of my relationship....a loooooooong time ago. We connect well in many other ways and I've been with this guy for almost 6 years and most of the time the no to average sex is not a problem, just every one and then someone will be interested in me, who I could be interested in back, if I was single, and I get to dreaming about really being desired by someone again, and really desiring back.

Then I think things like, even though this guy could be my forever guy, at 26 years of age, I am not ready to commit, even though I committed to him 6 years ago because that was the only way he would allow me to stay in his life (was very much in love and it hurt him too much to see me single and indulging in that, and he didn't want to just be friends, or have an open relationship, then or now). I guess, maybe, can a good relationship run it's course?

And how do you work out when it's time to end it? Or do you take every possible step to rectify the problems first? We were in a MUCH more tenuous place this time last year and after some crisis talks, and some changes in his life that meant he was more happy and less depressed, I've really noticed him lifting his game in regards to being a boyfriend (things like making an effort to touch me cos he knows I like that). So I feel more loved by him now, and our mental connection is excellent, but that lack lustre sex is a frustrating recurring problem (aka a problem when I crush on someone else and feel like I am missing out. Of course, every time the crush passes, and they always do, I feel immensely happy that I did not leave this guy, because of all the other things in the relationship that are good, so, how important is sex anyway?)

I could go either way now, work to try and rekindle our love life properly, or make a break, but I don't really know what to do, I would love to hear from other people who reached this cross road in their long term relationship....

Also flabbergasted that in all those years he has never crushed on anyone, I realise he doesn't get out much but still, incredibly loyal? Or kinda a sexual?! Or just really low self esteem. I feel kinda messed up that I sometimes want him to fall in love with someone else, so we can split, but he can be happy about it....
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Replies

  • karrindrwd
    karrindrwd Posts: 22 Member
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    You need to talk to them about your intimacy issues. Good sex, meaning consecutively good sex is usually a reflection of good communication. Going after some steamy romance will hit a wall or leave you feeling mixed up emotionally and regretful. If you love the person, just talk candidly about what it is you want. You also have to know what it is you want, how you like to be pleased ect. People aren't mind readers and maybe try experimenting a little, always include foreplay and use toys if necessary. You just have to be open emotionally, verbally and well lol probably a little literally.

    You can work through this, six years is a long time to let go of over something a good conversation and a good night can solve.
  • darkrose20
    darkrose20 Posts: 1,139 Member
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    OK, Initially I was going to make a snarky comment about polyamory being awesome, but I realized that's not appropriate.

    Here goes the serious answer. It's healthy to crush on other people. You have resolved to be in a committed, monogamous relationship with this guy, so good for you for NOT rushing off to be with whoever you're crushing on at the time. Good on both of you for having a solid connection emotionally/intellectually/etc. I'm glad he's less depressed now and able to give you more of the affection you need.

    As for the sex being lackluster...girl, open your mouth! The only way he will know if he's pleasing you or not is if you speak...and I don't mean just "Babe, let's have a chat" kind of thing. I mean, when it feels good in the moment, say something/make yummy noises, etc. When it's not feeling good in the moment speak up (I.e. "A bit more to the left" or "how about we switch, I wanna be on top/bottom/whatever" Speak woman, and for goodness sake, NEVER, EVER fake an orgasm. That will just encourage him to do the lackluster thing that doesn't satisfy you again.

    Also, I second karrindrwd. Communicate, communicate, communicate...and experiment...nothing wrong with bringing in toys/kink/different positions/whatever.

    As far as the question of can a good relationship run it's course, of course. What the real question is, though, is how much effort is too much for you (AND him) before it just takes too much work to stay together...
  • WhisperAnne
    WhisperAnne Posts: 453
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    I can relate a little bit. My boyfriend and I have been together nearly 5 years. He is my best friend, the only person I trust 100%. But at times I get bored because we rarely see each other ( work takes up so much of our lives) and when we do see each other we are both so burned out that we don't do much. also, he is not the affectionate type and for me it's hard to connect and feel special because of that. But, in the end I remind myself this guy is in love with me, is faithful and is working his butt off to start a life with me. I get bored..so what? who doesn't get bored at times? I know I have a good guy and would be stupid to let him go. And it's normal to look at other people and like other people. Just don't act on it. Let your guy know how you feel, and work on yourself and the relationship. Wishing you the best of luck:flowerforyou:
  • msf74
    msf74 Posts: 3,498 Member
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    You need to talk to them about your intimacy issues. Good sex, meaning consecutively good sex is usually a reflection of good communication. Going after some steamy romance will hit a wall or leave you feeling mixed up emotionally and regretful. If you love the person, just talk candidly about what it is you want. You also have to know what it is you want, how you like to be pleased ect. People aren't mind readers and maybe try experimenting a little, always include foreplay and use toys if necessary. You just have to be open emotionally, verbally and well lol probably a little literally.

    You can work through this, six years is a long time to let go of over something a good conversation and a good night can solve.

    All of this.

    The question is, at 26, will you be bothered to put in the work to gain the intimacy back in your relationship? I presume you are not married or have children which would have been external motivators.

    As such the motivation has to be internal on your part which is actually harder than it sounds when you believe you have lots of other options.
  • DMZ_1
    DMZ_1 Posts: 2,889 Member
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    The point of being in a relationship is steady sex with minimal effort for the next instance of sex.

    If you're not getting steady sex, there is a lot that goes into finding the next instance of sex. Going to the bar/club, weeding through online dating's garbage, etc. The very early stages of a dating relationship are usually the most unpleasant.

    I'm not sure what to say to the OP. Generally speaking, if a relationship is salvageable, I recommend salvaging it. There comes a point where you must ask yourself if it easier to salvage their current relationship, or start over with someone else. It's not the easiest question to answer, and require rational examination of a lot of factors. But if you can do that, the answer will be clearer.

    Wishing you all the best!
  • Beastmaster50
    Beastmaster50 Posts: 505 Member
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    What are you doing to spice it up? Toys? Role playing? Outdoor or in a car sex? Is he willing to try new stuff? Is one of you two the type where sex hs to be in the bedroom, locked door and lights off?
  • MM_1982
    MM_1982 Posts: 374
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    The point of being in a relationship is steady sex with minimal effort for the next instance of sex.

    I do like the chase on occasion. But, sex with minimal effort is definitely the biggest perk of being in a relationship.
  • Myhaloslipped
    Myhaloslipped Posts: 4,317 Member
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    I can only speak for myself, but when I started to feel this way about an ex after 4 years, it was definitely over. I still thought he was amazing as a person, but I just didn't feel any sort of passion for him anymore, and I put off the breakup for a ridiculous amount of time. That was a mistake. This happened years ago, I still feel like breaking up was the right decision. Maybe y'all can rekindle things? However, if it takes more effort than either of you is willing to put forth, then it's probably over.
  • kgeyser
    kgeyser Posts: 22,505 Member
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    Ok, this is going to come out as harsh, but there's a lot of "me, me, me" in your post. There's a lot of what he's not doing for you, what's you're not getting in the relationship, etc. Ok, it's from your perspective, I get that, but it really sounds like you're with him because it's convenient and comfortable, not because you love, respect, and desire him. You say he's been lifting his game as far as being a boyfriend - did you recently get honored at the World's Most Perfect Girlfriend Summit, or is it possible that your game needs a little work in terms of giving him what he needs in the way he prefers it? You say you love him, but then you talk about him possibly being asexual or having low self-esteem based on your lackluster sex life and his seeming lack of crushes. Perhaps he is picking up on that? I certainly wouldn't be leaping with joy at the prospect of jumping into bed with someone who doesn't seem to think that much of me. Also, whether you admit to your crushes or not, if you're thinking about them, you're not 100% in your relationship. Having crushes is normal, having crushes where you think about walking away from your relationship, not so much. And he might be picking up on that, which is also going to do a number on his self-esteem. I say that from past experience being in his position.

    You can't change anyone else's behavior, the only thing you can do is change your own. If you want to be with him, then you need to sit down with him and figure out what you both can do to make the relationship work in a way that meets both your needs. If you want to end things, then end them. There is nothing wrong with ending a relationship that has run its course. This isn't high school, you don't need be interested in someone else or have some catastrophic cheating incident to move on. But it is wholly unrealistic to expect that you're going to end the relationship to pursue a hot sex life and he's going to be ok with it, or that he's going to run off with someone else so you don't have to deal with fallout from the relationship or take any responsibility for it not working out. You've been together six years and you're an adult. If you're committed to the relationship, then work on it. If you think you want to move on, then move on, but be honest and say that you're moving on because of you, not him.
  • ShellyBell999
    ShellyBell999 Posts: 1,482 Member
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    I think when you're thinking about breaking up, it's time to break up.

    It's hard because you don't have a great reason. It's feels cold to just break up. But, you should. You really, really should. It will suck for a while for both of you, more for him. But, what's happened, I think, is you're more like friends than lovers. That kind of relationship has it's place, but it doesn't sound like that's what you want. And, I firmly believe that you can't change people. I fear you'll go through a bunch of stuff and talk and he'll make some changes and you will too, and then you still won't be happy, and then he'll revert back again, and two years later, you'll come back here with the exact same issue asking the exact same question.

    Breaking up is not a bad thing. It's not meant to be mean or cruel, it's actually a release and increases more opportunity. Many don't see it this way, but it really is not a bad thing. Most people, 5 years later, will say that break-up was the best thing that ever happened to them.

    ^^This
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,742 Member
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    He may have low testosterone. That can manifest itself in many ways. Is he willing to have that checked?

    Although it sounds to me like time to move on. You sound pretty detached. I have been in your shoes, somewhat. I was in a marriage for over 9 years where there just was not any passion, romance, physical touch was infrequent and less than satisfying...now I have found someone who makes me feel amazing and all I can say is I should have ended the former marriage much sooner, but I was very comfortable with my ex. Comfortable is not the only thing to strive for, IMO.

    I wish you much luck!
  • WendyTerry420
    WendyTerry420 Posts: 13,274 Member
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    crystal meth and porn...problem solved
  • kristen2713
    kristen2713 Posts: 253 Member
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    OP, all I have to say is that I feel your pain and wish you the best in whichever direction you go! I am in a very similar situation and although ours has only been a year, not 6, ultimately only YOU can decide what you can deal with forever and what you can't. As it's been said by many, you wont change the true person he is. No one is perfect and we all have our flaws; it's about finding someone who's flaws you can accept. It's certainly not easy, but if you decide to go, I can reassure you that you'll be ok in time and find someone else who may be able to give you everything you want and more. You're too young to settle for anything less than you want and deserve!
  • TheSlorax
    TheSlorax Posts: 2,401 Member
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    The point of being in a relationship is steady sex with minimal effort for the next instance of sex.

    I do like the chase on occasion. But, sex with minimal effort is definitely the biggest perk of being in a relationship.

    sex with minimal effort? if my SO put minimal effort into sex I would not be happy or satisfied. at all. it also wouldn't be readily available... no sex is better than bad sex. once again, you guys are real winners.


    OP, talk to him. are you an open communicator when it comes to what you want during sex? does he know what your expectations are? I would start there. it's also possible that you love him but are not in love with him (I say this a lot) so I would try and figure out which situation it is and decide if you can live with your feelings for him.
  • TheSlorax
    TheSlorax Posts: 2,401 Member
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    crystal meth and porn...problem solved

    just gonna say it, generally crystal meth has the opposite effect of viagra. do not think that will solve OP's problem.
  • WendyTerry420
    WendyTerry420 Posts: 13,274 Member
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    crystal meth and porn...problem solved

    just gonna say it, generally crystal meth has the opposite effect of viagra. do not think that will solve OP's problem.

    Well, obviously I was joking. Meth comes with its own set of problems, but it certainly works better than viagra, and it's cheaper too.
    I think someone sold you a bill of goods if your man couldn't get it up after a bowl or two. It may have been pectin with B12. :wink:




    ...Or maybe you are trying to remember what the DARE cop told you, and you are confusing amphetamines with cocaine (which *has* to be in the proper dose because too much will certainly keep "it" limp). Amphetamines, in just about any form, and in a variety of dosages, increases blood flow throughout the body, while also increasing serotonin and dopamine, putting everyone "in the mood.")
  • TheSlorax
    TheSlorax Posts: 2,401 Member
    Options
    crystal meth and porn...problem solved

    just gonna say it, generally crystal meth has the opposite effect of viagra. do not think that will solve OP's problem.

    Well, obviously I was joking. Meth comes with its own set of problems, but it certainly works better than viagra, and it's cheaper too.
    I think someone sold you a bill of goods if your man couldn't get it up after a bowl or two. It may have been pectin with B12. :wink:




    ...Or maybe you are trying to remember what the DARE cop told you, and you are confusing amphetamines with cocaine (which *has* to be in the proper dose because too much will certainly keep "it" limp). Amphetamines, in just about any form, and in a variety of dosages, increases blood flow throughout the body, while also increasing serotonin and dopamine, putting everyone "in the mood.")

    I actually speak from experience not regurgitated facts DARE told me. it's 50/50, sometimes it causes equipment to work better and other times it prevents anything from happening. I am being vague here as I do not think this is really something OP's thread needs to be hijacked with.
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
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    Well, wendyterry420, you've certainly outdone yourself on this one.
  • WendyTerry420
    WendyTerry420 Posts: 13,274 Member
    Options
    crystal meth and porn...problem solved

    just gonna say it, generally crystal meth has the opposite effect of viagra. do not think that will solve OP's problem.

    Well, obviously I was joking. Meth comes with its own set of problems, but it certainly works better than viagra, and it's cheaper too.
    I think someone sold you a bill of goods if your man couldn't get it up after a bowl or two. It may have been pectin with B12. :wink:




    ...Or maybe you are trying to remember what the DARE cop told you, and you are confusing amphetamines with cocaine (which *has* to be in the proper dose because too much will certainly keep "it" limp). Amphetamines, in just about any form, and in a variety of dosages, increases blood flow throughout the body, while also increasing serotonin and dopamine, putting everyone "in the mood.")

    I actually speak from experience not regurgitated facts DARE told me. it's 50/50, sometimes it causes equipment to work better and other times it prevents anything from happening. I am being vague here as I do not think this is really something OP's thread needs to be hijacked with.


    :laugh:


    I'll just say that it's never been my experience, except a couple times when we got ripped off.
    Tweakers suck, yo! :grumble:


    And it's not seriously a hi-jack, imo. It's perfectly relevant to the OP. :flowerforyou:


    ETA: maybe bad advice, but relevant nonetheless

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