My fiancé just doesn't get it :/
lizj0nes21
Posts: 115
So for starters, my info: I am a 21 year old female with a 2 1/2 year old son and my fiancé and I are in the process of opening our own restraunt. I am 5'3" and I weight 136.4 lbs. I have been doing MFP for a few weeks now. I only started to be really dedicated to getting into shape when I had a complete breakdown talking to my fiancé about how unhappy and uncomfortable I am with my body. He tries to be supportive and when I make progress he's sure to tell me how proud he is of me because he knows it means a lot to me. However, he doesn't understand everything I've learned on here, like weight loss coming from calorie intake and not exercise. And the MFP sets me at a calorie deficit so that I'm already consuming less calories than what my body burns by just existing and that's how I'm losing weight. He keeps trying to convince me that I HAVE to exercise in order to lose weight even though I've learned otherwise. He doesn't understand that as long as I stay within my calories I will still lose the weight. All if this blew up into a huge argument last night and I got really frustrated and discouraged with everything I'm doing because he's the only person I have in my life (I don't have friend and my family and I don't get along enough for me to talk to them about this. For example, my mother is 200+ pounds and not much taller than me and since I'm already so much smaller than her she thinks I have no right to be unhappy with my body and to be trying to lose weight). This all starte because my 21st birthday was Tuesday, I splurged but still logged mostly everything, but I've fallen off since that splurge day. I only fell off with my exercise(I'm doing Jillian Michaels 30 day shred) I just haven't done the video since Monday because we leave the house in the morning and when we get home late at night I'm so tired that I eat and go to bed. But I'm STILL logging my food and stayig within my calories. I'm trying to get back the motivation to do the JM video but at least I haven't fallen off of my eating habits. The day after my birthday was my first weigh in and I had lost 3.4lbs and I'm so excited about that! But I'm feeling so frustrated with my fiancé trying to drill it into my head that I absolutely have to work out to lose weight. He tries to understand everything I tell him about what I've learned through MFP about losing weight but he just doesn't seem to comprehend it. It's getting discouraging that my only support system is unintentionally dragging me down emotionally. Has anyone else had to deal with their significant other just not getting it? Not understanding everything your doing and therefore unintentionally bringing you down even though he tries to be supportive? I'm so frustrated because he tried but he just doesn't understand and I want him to just leave it be, let me do what I'm doing, trust me, and be supportive and that's it.
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You can't have it both ways. You stated that your fiancé is the only one that you can discuss this with, and then you say you want him to leave it be and let you do what you are doing.
IMO, he is trying to be supportive, and I can tell you first hand, that getting some form of exercise, even if it's "only" walking, will help you when you are trying to lose weight. Yes, you can lose weight by eating fewer calories than you burn -- even without exercise -- but you will probably still not be happy with your body. I'm guessing it isn't about weight, it's about being fit and toned.
I am not meaning to sound like a know-it-all or to belittle your feelings, but in your post, you want it two different ways. Can't happen!
Kaye0 -
Many people here would agree that losing weight is "mostly" about diet. Calories in vs. calories out. Yes you will lose "weight" by eating fewer calories alone. BUT some of the weight you lose will be muscle mass.
There is a popular saying here ........dieting (alone) is looking better in clothes, and dieting + working out is looking better naked. If there is any possible way you can add strength training do it! I hate strength training. BUT I hate being smaller, yet looking like the Pillsbury Dough (Girl) even more.0 -
Usually diet and exercising go hand and hand with loosing weight.
Is there a reason why you don't exercise?
He is being supportive, he is being proactive, and advising you on what he believes is correct..
You can always challenge him and say "prove it"..
Remember dont' belive everything you read and hear, esp. MFP0 -
Just a suggestion... but you might try learning about weight loss together with your fiance from a more reliable place than MFP. There are some very knowledgeable people on here. And there are some not so knowledgeable. And there is everything in between. You should really seek knowledge backed by science.
Anyhow... I think you'll find, if you start digging, that weight loss is mostly due to a calorie deficit, but overall improvements in mental and physical health (with or without weight loss) can be best improved by exercise.
In other words, I think your fiance is onto something when he encourages you to exercise.
As for the rest... perhaps you should invest in some couples' or one-on-one counseling. Counseling might help you and your fiance learn to communicate with one another without you feeling dragged down emotionally... and, more importantly, counseling might help you learn to love yourself regardless of what your body looks like.
The sad truth is: If you don't love yourself now, you won't love yourself when you've lost weight either.0 -
TL Break Up0
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1. Stop talking to him about it.
2. Get out there and make some friends. Why don't you have any friends???0 -
At your height and weight, you are within healthy BMI. So, if you're uncomfortable in your body, exercise really might be the best option (along with calorie tracking to make sure you don't out eat your exercise). It will help tighten and firm, give you more energy, lift your mood, and help maintain your lean body mass. So, while you don't need exercise for general weight loss, I think your fiance's encouragement to exercise may actually be good advice for you.
If you find something you love to do, it won't be a chore. You don't have to spend hours on an elliptical for it to be exercise. You can dance with son, put him in a stroller and go for walks or jogs, etc. You can try swimming, kickboxing, Zumba, or something else. And don't forget resistance training - just as important (or more so) than cardio. Yoga, pilates, bodyweight exercises, good old lifting … all of that.
So take a second to not worry about being right. Evaluate what your goals actually are (I hope it's more than just a number on the scale) and think about how much exercise will help in reaching those goals.0 -
I have been working out, I don't plan on only losing weight by my diet, I am just trying to get back on real with my workout. But what's frustrating me is that he is trying to tell me that I HAVE to work out or I WONT lose weight, and that's not right. I have no intentions of not working out, I know that it helps. But he just doesn't understand everything and it's frustrating. I know he's trying, but he thinks that just because he doesn't understand it that it's wrong. I'm just venting for my own sanity and looking for anyone else who is or has been going through this.
It's not that I want two different things, I simply want one thing. I want to be able to talk to him about all of this without him telling me it's wrong just because he doesn't understand it.0 -
The biggest key to successful weightloss is a deficit through exercise.0
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5'3 and 136 you sound healthy. What you probably want to do is build muscle and lose body fat. Not something you are going to do with eating at a defecit alone. It's hard for me to come here and tell you want to do, as I am also 5'3" and sitting at a chunky 150 lbs currently. However .... I have dieted down to 135 in the past with loads of cardio and severe calorie restriction. I was still unhappy with my body, as I was just a smaller version of my former flabby self.
Take a look at what weight lifting can do for women. This is my new goal, and I hope I have success with it. The thing is...you need to eat to fuel your body, and although the scale might go up, the inches will go down.
Sorry..but I have to agree with your boyfriend for the kind of results that you are looking for. You are already at a healthy weight.0 -
You are right, you can lose weight by just dieting and not exercising, but keep in mind that without exercise, you will only be losing fat and you won't be gaining any muscle, which makes it harder in the long run to keep weight off, unless you want to diet for the rest of your life. Also, dieting will make you lose weight, but exercise will build you a beautiful body.0
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You can tell him weight loss is 90% what you eat. If he doesn't agree or believe you, it's okay. He doesn't have to agree on everything to be supportive.
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Do what works for you and what YOU need to do for yourself. Don't concern yourself with the other stuff. I can't believe this "blew up into a huge argument". There are way more important things in life to argue about. Pick your battles.0
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Also, to be supportive he should tell you hes proud of you all the time, not just when you make progress.
My
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Also, why does it really matter? Let your fiancé think what he wants. It is really not worth fighting over. Losing weight and getting healthy is for your health. It doesn't really matter what he thinks.0
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Okay I can kind of sympathize with you...my husband sounds a lot like your fiance about things.
For example I lift weights and have learned a lot from people on this site and through reading and watching videos and programs.
I try to explain to my husband why he an arch in his back while he is benching is a good idea...he doesn't agree.....
or he thinks 5x5 isn't enough I should be doing 8 reps he thinks....
he also thinks that if the last rep was "hard" but I got it stay at that weight until it is easy...
Now we have only been married 5 years...so it's not like we are an "old" couple who have worked this crap out totally...but this is going to be my one piece of advice for you esp since the fight seems to have derailed you a bit.....
Now pay attention here...this is ground breaking...
you can be right....or you can be happy0 -
It's not that I want two different things, I simply want one thing. I want to be able to talk to him about all of this without him telling me it's wrong just because he doesn't understand it.
Just have him join MFP and post in the forums. Then everyone else here will do the work for you. Yayyy!0 -
If your goal is to get him to understand how you can lose weight without exercising, explain it simply.
3500 calories equals 1lb of weight. Your body burns XXX amount per day (TDEE). In order for you to lose one lb per week, you have to be 3500 calories under your XXX (TDEE) for the week. Then explain how there are a variety of ways to get there. Yes, exercising would allow you to be fit and allow you more food, because you would gain calories from that, but it isn't necessary if your goal is to just drop a few lbs.0 -
Has anyone else had to deal with their significant other just not getting it? Not understanding everything your doing and therefore unintentionally bringing you down even though he tries to be supportive?
I think just about anyone who is or has been married would have to say yes. It happens - people aren't always on the same page. At some point you have to learn to work it out and it doesn't always involve everyone being in agreement.
Also, you may need to consider if you really even need him to understand. There are many people in my life that give me suggestions that I may or may not agree with. I've found that if I don't agree with them, there is little need for me to try and change their view.
As a final note, you should do some pre-marriage counseling before your wedding. Not because of this issue or anyting - just because everyone should.
Best wishes.0 -
At your height and weight, you are within healthy BMI. So, if you're uncomfortable in your body, exercise really might be the best option (along with calorie tracking to make sure you don't out eat your exercise). It will help tighten and firm, give you more energy, lift your mood, and help maintain your lean body mass. So, while you don't need exercise for general weight loss, I think your fiance's encouragement to exercise may actually be good advice for you.
If you find something you love to do, it won't be a chore. You don't have to spend hours on an elliptical for it to be exercise. You can dance with son, put him in a stroller and go for walks or jogs, etc. You can try swimming, kickboxing, Zumba, or something else. And don't forget resistance training - just as important (or more so) than cardio. Yoga, pilates, bodyweight exercises, good old lifting … all of that.
So take a second to not worry about being right. Evaluate what your goals actually are (I hope it's more than just a number on the scale) and think about how much exercise will help in reaching those goals.
My thoughts exactly. I may be overstating your fiance's understanding of fitness, but maybe he thinks you're a healthy weight already and only need to work on body composition, which is accomplished through exercise. And I agree with all the exercise ideas mentioned above. If all three of you can do something together, it's more likely to be enjoyable.0 -
I have been working out, I don't plan on only losing weight by my diet, I am just trying to get back on real with my workout. But what's frustrating me is that he is trying to tell me that I HAVE to work out or I WONT lose weight, and that's not right. I have no intentions of not working out, I know that it helps. But he just doesn't understand everything and it's frustrating. I know he's trying, but he thinks that just because he doesn't understand it that it's wrong. I'm just venting for my own sanity and looking for anyone else who is or has been going through this.
It's not that I want two different things, I simply want one thing. I want to be able to talk to him about all of this without him telling me it's wrong just because he doesn't understand it.
so you are exercising and losing weight, and he is telling you that you must exercise to lose weight?
Whats the problem then? Just say, i know, i am and its working0 -
Agree with above poster - sometimes you just have to pick your battles. You won't agree about everything, and you can't always 'convince' him to agree with you. At the end of the day - if he thinks one solution is best, and you think another is best, it really isn't the end of the world if you can agree to disagree. Think positive - it sounds like he's being supportive of your goals and that is awesome!0
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Wait until you've been married 20 years or so. Then, he just won't give a crap what you do.0
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It sounds like your fiance is a problem solver like my hubby, so when I just want to talk to him and not get feed back I just tell him that. And if I want advise I tell him that. So if you just want someone to talk to, just tell him that is what you want. It doesn't need to be so complicated, or dramatic. simply... listen I just need to vent , or talk , I don't want your help or advise right now.0
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I have been working out, I don't plan on only losing weight by my diet, I am just trying to get back on real with my workout. But what's frustrating me is that he is trying to tell me that I HAVE to work out or I WONT lose weight, and that's not right. I have no intentions of not working out, I know that it helps. But he just doesn't understand everything and it's frustrating. I know he's trying, but he thinks that just because he doesn't understand it that it's wrong. I'm just venting for my own sanity and looking for anyone else who is or has been going through this.
It's not that I want two different things, I simply want one thing. I want to be able to talk to him about all of this without him telling me it's wrong just because he doesn't understand it.
It sounds like the real issue is your communication with your fiance. It sounds like he is not being supportive but maybe you need to explain to him what YOU need to feel supported by him. If he still doesn't treat you better or understand, then he should keep his comments to himself. If he doesn't , then I would reconsider why you are in the relationship in the first place. You deserve better.0 -
Wait until you've been married 20 years or so. Then, he just won't give a crap what you do.
OK, that just made me laugh out loud! Brilliant!!!0 -
frustrating me is that he is trying to tell me that I HAVE to work out or I WONT lose weight
Is he forcing you to workout, or just stating his beliefs? Some folks on here already gave you great advice, for you two to educate yourselves about weight loss together.0 -
Also, why does it really matter? Let your fiancé think what he wants. It is really not worth fighting over. Losing weight and getting healthy is for your health. It doesn't really matter what he thinks.
Exactly. You two will never agree on everything. That's just life. But you are each entitled to your opinions. Just ask him to be supportive. Sometimes men think that if you discuss something with them, you are asking them for suggestions on how to fix it, when really you just want someone to listen to you.0 -
Wait until you've been married 20 years or so. Then, he just won't give a crap what you do.
heck really...mine doesn't care now...:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
He is too busy playing his online game....:grumble:0 -
1. Stop talking to him about it.
2. Get out there and make some friends. Why don't you have any friends???
Because any friends I had stopped really being friends when I got pregnant with my son years ago. I have one girl that I've been friends with since 4th grade. I've matured and have different priorities with vein a mother and her priorities are partying and expensive shopping, which is fine for a 20 year old but it just results in us having an on and off friendship because she doesn't come around much.0
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