How do you tell someone they are too skinny?

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modernfemme
modernfemme Posts: 454 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
So during the course of my life, I've met many people who are an inspiration to me. They lost weight fast, be it they decided to get in shape or shed some baby weight or what have you. But here is what happens.

Step 1: They gain weight.
Step 2: They lose weight and they look fantastic.
Step 3: Wow, they lost more weight and I can see the collarbone, and omg is that a rib? Wow, her cheeks are sunken.

How do you kindly say to someone that perhaps they are overdoing it and now they are TOO thin?? Is it any of my business? How to you tell someone they aren't only scary looking, but unhealthy???

It's almost like people, who perhaps have been heavy for a while, always see themselves as overweight and can't stop losing it.
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Replies

  • carmaybabay
    carmaybabay Posts: 6 Member
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    Technically it isn't your business, but I've told people in similar cases. I'm a pretty silly person though, so it doesn't come off as too serious or offending. Approach the person depending on how close they are to you ?
  • smuehlbauer
    smuehlbauer Posts: 1,041 Member
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    You can see my colarbone, and ribs, and I am the healthiest I have ever been in my life. As a matter of fact, my doctor sent me a letter to let me know how proud she was of the changes that I made.
    I would highly suggest not saying anything unless you know all of your facts.
    Just sayin.
    Steph
  • gambitsgurl
    gambitsgurl Posts: 632 Member
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    Keep following them around and taking photos. When you score the skeletor photo, show them and see how they think they look.
  • CGerman
    CGerman Posts: 539
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    I think you'd be treading in some pretty dangerous waters. Unless you're really close to the person, it may not come across as concerned but nosy and jealous. I will say, one of my goals is to see my collarbones so I don't know if that's a good measure of someone being too skinny. I think sometimes it's just the comparison to how they looked before that's skews it - if they'd never been overweight or needed to lose weight, they might look just right to you.
  • EDesq
    EDesq Posts: 1,527 Member
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    It's not your business UNLESS you are a Friend/Relative of the person (Friend meaning a Confidante NOT an Acquaintance, Office Mate, Go get coffee on our break...) , and even then you need to know the person's HEALTH situation. Some people need to get even smaller than "you" think if they are having a health challenge or trying to avoid a health challenge or perhaps "family history.". So know your facts before YOU decide that the person "looks" too skinny for YOU.

    I have found that overweight people not only tend to have a distorted view of portion size BUT also a distorted view of body size.
  • RainyDayProphet
    RainyDayProphet Posts: 113
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    Unless they are getting into the realm of UNHEALTHY skinny, I don't think it's an issue or necessarily your place to say anything.
    If they ARE to the point of getting sick/weak from it... Buy them a cheeseburger and offer a bit of friendly advice. Talk to them about how they are feeling. It's possible they aren't seeing the warning signs that you are noticing.
  • 2bFitNTrim
    2bFitNTrim Posts: 1,209 Member
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    Unless it is someone I'm very close with, I'd butt out. BTW, I can see my collarbone and I still have lbs to lose. Not a good measure of someone who's too thin IMO.
  • PokenStick
    PokenStick Posts: 204
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    Step 3: Wow, they lost more weight and I can see the collarbone, and omg is that a rib? Wow, her cheeks are sunken.

    Those aren't the best evidance of a problem. Unless her weight loss goes into the medically unhealthy range or if she develops an eatting disorder I would keep my mouth shut.
  • Natural
    Natural Posts: 461 Member
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    is it me?

    hmmm, that's a tough one. people don't like to be told nothing that they don't ask for help with. i suppose if they are not doing anything unhealthy, like vomiting or starving, just leave them be. there is nothing you can tell them. it's almost like telling someone they are too fat...they don't want to hear it .
  • kmard81
    kmard81 Posts: 212 Member
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    I know what you mean! I know someone who had gastric bypass and she has become consumed with being skinny. She is so skinny, she looks sick. I would NEVER say anything though, I just think it. I think this girl looked better before the surgery. Skinny isnt always healthy.
  • MisdemeanorM
    MisdemeanorM Posts: 3,493 Member
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    colarbones should show. and on certain body types ribs too, though not sunken ribs. If you are close to this person mention your concern to them, but start the conversation casually by saying they have done a great job and congrats on the weight loss. Maybe ask them what their goals are. If they say another 15 lbs, tell them you really think they dont need to lose any more. If the conversation goes there naturally, tell them you are a little concerned that they are or stay healthy. Don't jump right to that point though or they will probably be defensive and just think you are jealous.
  • lutzsher
    lutzsher Posts: 1,153 Member
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    I don't think it is your business to say anything at all. I would suggest making a few coffee or gym dates to connect better with this person so that if they choose to talk to you they can, but I would not say anything unless asked directly.
    So many people hand out comments to people who are losing weight, Im about 30 pounds to my goal, so still in the "overweight" category and I've already had people tell me that I already look "good enough" and that I really shouldn't lose any more weight or I might to "too skinny". These comments are just others subtle way of sabotage because they may not feel comfortable with my changes . . . and every one of them are unwelcome.
    If someone wants your opinion they will ask for it.
  • Aledari
    Aledari Posts: 5
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    Seeing a collar bone or a rib does not automatically mean that person is underweight or "too" skinny. They could in fact be within the healthy weight designated for their height and age. What you feel is too skinny could be healthy, and telling a healthy person they are too skinny is as insulting and judgemental as telling someone they are too fat. Unless you have proof or reason to believe the person is significantly underweight and in danger from an eating disorder I wouldn't say anything.
  • ErinMarie25
    ErinMarie25 Posts: 733 Member
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    Eh, you can see my collarbone and ribs. Heck, you can see m y backbone! Yes there is still parts of me that need weight gone like the rest of my stomach pooch. Though it's tiny, it's still there and still belly fat.

    I'd just mind my own business.
  • think48
    think48 Posts: 366 Member
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    Interesting. I think I disagree about speaking up. Perhaps it is because one of my best friends dealt with anorexia for years and I never said anything to her. I knew she was too small, but I figured it was none of my business. She ended up in rehab for her eating disorder for 2 years....a hospitalized rehab. She has asked me on many, many occasions why I did not speak up. She is hurt that I never said anything to her - to her, that meant I didn't care. She was crying out for attention with the eating disorder and I did not respond....in any fashion. A mistake I will not make again.

    In my experience, I'd speak up, but in a loving way. If she truly has no eating disorder and is healthy (in all aspects...mentally, physcially, emotionally) she will not be offended by your concern.

    As in the "how" to do it you should express concern about her health. Don't even mention her looks. Saying she's too skinny is rewarding to those who are trying to get "too skinny." Telling her she's lost too much weight is like winning a medal. This is what I've learned through therapy classes with my friend.

    Anyways, I should clarify that I DO agree with the previous posters that if you are not close friends with her, I wouldn't say anything and I do agree that you can't base it on her collarbones and ribs.
  • NoAdditives
    NoAdditives Posts: 4,251 Member
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    I have to agree that your physical examples of why this person is too skinny are not good measurements. When I was at a healthy weight (though I still probably had a somewhat high body fat percentage) my collar bones were quite visible. In fact that was the reason a person accused me of having an eating disorder. When you're used to seeing someone who is overweight suddenly seeing them without the extra fat will definitely change their appearance, whether they are healthy or not really can't be determined just by looking at them. Of course, there is a point when it's obvious, but unless this person weighs 80 pounds you really can't tell for sure.

    As far as whether or not you should say something, that's entirely up to you. But given your place in your own weight loss journey and depending on how well you know this person it can more than likely not come across well, especially if they were overweight for quite some time. I agree that people who have been overweight for a long time have a hard time getting their minds to catch up with what is actually shown in the mirror, but in most cases, it just isn't anyone else's place to comment on when they think someone else is too thin.
  • BodyRockerVT
    BodyRockerVT Posts: 323 Member
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    As someone that was really thin growing up being told you are too thin and need to gain weight is just as hurtful as being told you are fat and need to lose weight. No matter who it comes from.
  • lordofultima
    lordofultima Posts: 293
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    I'm a dude, and I can see my clavical and ribs (when I lift my arms up). Yet still, have a semi-big gut and love handles sitting around. I think it's actually pretty normal that when you're getting that lean, you look what people define as "too skinny," until you actually build enough muscle mass to just look ripped instead. Serratis muscles for instance will go over the ribs eventually if you're working them out properly, and collar bones are pretty normal to see on any healthy human being.
  • modernfemme
    modernfemme Posts: 454 Member
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    Just to clarify a few points: I used to be underweight myself back in high school college so I definitely know the difference between being petite with a small frame and being so skinny that you look unhealthy and sick. I used to get made fun of all the time, including being called anorexic, which I wasn't.

    My collarbone definitely shows, even overweight as I am, but hopefully the drastic appearance and the gauntness were the biggest red flags. Sometimes it's downright startling, especially when they drop weight super fast. This isn't a simple case of omg she is skinny, she must be sick. We're talking dark circles, bones protruding in unflattering ways. Friends and family who literally look like they are going to cave in on themselves.

    Naturally I don't want their reaction to be like, "she would say that, she is so fat!" which is why I asked you all for advice. Thanks to those who did not flame me and assumed I was smart enough to know someone who was healthy, and someone who was not.
  • DancingDreamer
    DancingDreamer Posts: 520
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    NNNvm then to what i said. looks like you know what to do anyway. :)

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