Motivating your other half??
LittleMissAlx
Posts: 291 Member
So my fiance and I have been progressively getting more and more overweight over the last year or so, and we've tried to diet a few times but it tends to get derailed quite quickly. The problem is him. He gets a craving for biscuits (or similar) and gives in, or when we make something healthy he makes a huge amount... and all the little things add up and we end up making no progress, then starting over again.
This time I've had enough. I'm sick of hearing remarks from my family about mine and his weight. I need to lose about 25lb, he probably needs to lose 50-60lb.
We shop together and stock up the fridge and cupboards with only healthy food, I plan my meals in advance, I've made us training plans for our respective levels of fitness, I'm trying to be a good example by making the changes myself.... but whilst I somehow manage to fit in exercise 6 days a week... he doesn't do anything. At all.
He works from home and barely leaves the flat if he can help it. His current excuse is the weather in the uk, but before Xmas he cancelled his gym membership because he wasn't using it (and you can't really blame the weather if you can do it indoors!). He also has a bike and we have an indoor set up for it, but he's not using that either. We're talking about running a 10k race in April, but that's all it is for him - talk. We're also meant to be getting married in 2015, and I refuse to get married until we're both back to our normal weights.
I've tried being supportive.
I'm trying to motivate him by showing him my progress (but he seems to see my talking about the gym and what I'm achieving as nagging him).
I'm considering talking to his boss and saying - you need to force him to take more breaks during the working day (because he'll eat his lunch in front of the computer whilst working).
And I'm trying a more tough love approach - no sympathy - no accepting his excuses but telling him I know that's all they are. And that all of these reasons for putting being healthy off now will be replaced by others next week.
The only other thing I can think of is threatening to leave him - but we both know I wouldn't do it so that's a pointless threat.
Thanks for letting me rant, and if anyone has any advice, I'd massively appreciate it. I know you can't force someone to do things they don't want to do, but.... !!
This time I've had enough. I'm sick of hearing remarks from my family about mine and his weight. I need to lose about 25lb, he probably needs to lose 50-60lb.
We shop together and stock up the fridge and cupboards with only healthy food, I plan my meals in advance, I've made us training plans for our respective levels of fitness, I'm trying to be a good example by making the changes myself.... but whilst I somehow manage to fit in exercise 6 days a week... he doesn't do anything. At all.
He works from home and barely leaves the flat if he can help it. His current excuse is the weather in the uk, but before Xmas he cancelled his gym membership because he wasn't using it (and you can't really blame the weather if you can do it indoors!). He also has a bike and we have an indoor set up for it, but he's not using that either. We're talking about running a 10k race in April, but that's all it is for him - talk. We're also meant to be getting married in 2015, and I refuse to get married until we're both back to our normal weights.
I've tried being supportive.
I'm trying to motivate him by showing him my progress (but he seems to see my talking about the gym and what I'm achieving as nagging him).
I'm considering talking to his boss and saying - you need to force him to take more breaks during the working day (because he'll eat his lunch in front of the computer whilst working).
And I'm trying a more tough love approach - no sympathy - no accepting his excuses but telling him I know that's all they are. And that all of these reasons for putting being healthy off now will be replaced by others next week.
The only other thing I can think of is threatening to leave him - but we both know I wouldn't do it so that's a pointless threat.
Thanks for letting me rant, and if anyone has any advice, I'd massively appreciate it. I know you can't force someone to do things they don't want to do, but.... !!
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Replies
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Oh, this should be fun.
*pulls up a chair.
PS You can only motivate yourself.0 -
Is your profile pic accurate? Because you don't look like you need to lose 25 lbs still...
ETA: By refusing to marry him until you're back to your normal weights, you're telling him he isn't good enough as he is. I'm not saying your concern isn't understandable. But that's not a good mindset to have about the person you love and plan to marry. It probably makes him feel like crap.0 -
You do you and leave him alone.0
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You know you can't force him, and it's as simple as that - my other half is a couple of lbs from obese, literally double my weight and hates himself for it (which makes me sad because he is wonderful and it doesn't bother me). Does he do anything to change? No, and I can only be responsible for myself I've learned. Good luck, I hope he changes and bucks his ideas up but don't hold your breath, well done on starting this journey :flowerforyou:0
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WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF!! Period.
You can't force someone else to change if they don't want too. And, if you can't love him for the way he is (weight and motivation level and all), then you probably need to seriously reconsider your relationship.0 -
My husband was running up to two miles a couple times a week with me over the summer, but weather is his same excuse in the winter. He hasn't really gained weight or anything, but we're going to become parents in the next year or two and I don't want to have unhealthy eating habits and general sloth getting worse with the stress of a new baby. Plus, I keep coming across people who are 40 or 50 and saying they wish they had started making better habits when they were younger, but they didn't because they thought they were invincible and now they have high blood pressure or diabetes. Ack! I'm not worried for me. I eat great and work out regularly and am active, but my husband always goes for the most processed, microwaved, easiest meals possible. I'm like, "Make a stupid sandwich! Spend five minutes putting something together instead of unwrapping it!" So I decided recently that I was no longer going to buy bad food for him and healthy food for me. I'm cutting my work load a little to prepare for our new family, so I'm going to find more crock pot meals and easy stuff, set aside portions of leftovers for lunch the next day, and just generally be more insistent.
I don't care if it comes off as nagging. Nagging is just a word that people use to tell women not to be firm. Screw that! I'm not about to raise a kid on chicken nuggets and frozen pizza, and I love my husband too much to keep bringing heart-attack food into the house. I told him all of this and he griped at first and then said he knew I was right and that he knows he can start with some small changes to make a healthier home and happier body. But if your significant other doesn't want to do these things, he's not going to, so either you have to accept that and love him anyway or realize that your inability to accept him will always cause problems.
I hope that helps!0 -
If "motivating" others really worked, then people who have family and friends with addictions should have it easy. Can't force anyone to do something they really don't WANT to do.
Old saying "A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still". Till he wants it, all you're going to end up doing is irritating and causing him to despise you.
If that's not what you want out of your other half, then it may be time to find a new one.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
So much relationship fail in that post, I'm sure it's going to work out well. On a side note, this thread should provide ample entertainment for the morning.
A couple of questions, why can't he have biscuits? And why is it your job to force him to get fit when he clearly doesn't want to? Do you think your forcing him to play your game is a healthy way to kick off a marriage? Personally, I wouldn't put up with that crap for more than two seconds. Why don't you try worrying about you, and let his chips fall where they may, if you really love him his weight wouldn't be a consideration outside of fearing for his health, which doesn't sound like it's the case.
Rigger0 -
I know you can't force someone to do things they don't want to do,
You said it yourself.0 -
Hi OP, thanks for sharing.
I'm in quite a similar position to you - even down to the fact that my partner works from home. I have been through the whole getting frustrated with him-encouraging him-getting frustrated again cycle and none of it made any difference at all.
What has made a difference for us is that I effectively gave up on him and decided to keep adding lots of new healthy practices to my own lifestyle, and every now and then he gets on board, completely of his own volition. For example, I decided to do a 3-day juice fast earlier this month and told him that I was going to do it and didn't think for one second that he'd be up for doing it but lo and behold, he was, we did it together and now we're juicing one day a week and both enjoying it and feeling the benefits. I've been eating a lot more fruit and veg than I used to, and I've noticed that he is also now eating more fruit (most likely because that's all I buy in for snacking).
Does it worry me that he's overweight and does minimal exercise? Yes. Am I going to let this worry have a negative impact on an otherwise fantastic relationship? No. Keep on as you are - focus on you, give him the option to get involved if he wants to but if he chooses not to, let it go. Anything else is going to wind you up and make him feel bad.
Good luck
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Tell him if he loses 50lbs you'll have a threesome. Motivation ftw!0
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I'm considering talking to his boss and saying - you need to force him to take more breaks during the working day (because he'll eat his lunch in front of the computer whilst working).
Oh man. Please please please don't do this. If my husband took up any kind of personal issue with my boss I would lose my mind. And as a manager, if the spouse of someone on my team came to me with this kind of request, I'd think they were insane. This will reflect poorly on him in his professional life.0 -
Is your profile pic accurate? Because you don't look like you need to lose 25 lbs still...
ETA: By refusing to marry him until you're back to your normal weights, you're telling him he isn't good enough as he is. I'm not saying your concern isn't understandable. But that's not a good mindset to have about the person you love and plan to marry. It probably makes him feel like crap.
So much this.
If a huge commitment to fitness/healthy eating is a dealbreaker for you then maybe he is not the one.
Otherwise, I say leave him be and let him figure out his own path to healthier living.0 -
OP you can not make your partner change. Save yourself the energy and the inevitable resentment. You can ask your partner if he is satisfied with his health. If the answer is yes, then you do you. If the answer is no, then have a real conversation with him about what HE SEES as his health and fitness barriers.
Also, be an adult and tell your family to mind their own business. Their comments are not needed and clearly not constructive. Get your mind right so that you are focused on your journey for yourself. Make sure your goals are yours, not your snarky relatives'.0 -
In for the downward spiral...0
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Based on my own experience I would seriously reconsider the relationship.
About the time I got married, I got back into shape and got into running and triathlons progressing to marathons and half-ironman races. My husband thinks of himself as active, but rarely works out. He has completed Insanity once and then "rested" for a year before attempting it again. He tried it again and got injured, so rested again. Same with a third time. I have tried to suggest that he do something less intense like C25K and he has a reason why not. I exercised inside the other day due to high winds and asked if he wanted to join me. Again, he had a quick reason why he wouldn't. He has said that with the new year he will start Insanity again modified so that he doesn't burn out and only do it when he feels like it. Its the middle of January and he hasn't started yet. We work at the same company that has its own gym on the premises, but he can't find time to go there either and has justifications about why he won't go. We live about a mile from a beautiful hiking trail that he didn't find time to go on all of last year.
We've been married 15 years now. I do bike tours with girl friends. I have developed a group of friends around my activities and at the gym. I do things with friends and my husband gets angry with me. Especially if they are male friends. I went for a snowshoe/hike in a nearby national park with a (male) friend and when I got home, my husband said that he would have liked to go. He doesn't like my friend, wouldn't have gotten up at the hour I did to do the hike, and has never expressed any interest in hiking with me at the national park. One time when I did get him hiking, he criticized the way I hike.
My advice would be to look at what he is doing and not what he is saying. If he's not doing the work now, nothing you are going to do is going to change him. If you want an active lifestyle and he doesn't seem to be, don't hope that he will discover activity. It might not happen.0 -
It's pretty hard to be loving AND The Food Police/The Exercise Police.0
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It's pretty hard to be loving AND The Food Police/The Exercise Police.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
So, so true.0 -
Is your profile pic accurate? Because you don't look like you need to lose 25 lbs still...
ETA: By refusing to marry him until you're back to your normal weights, you're telling him he isn't good enough as he is. I'm not saying your concern isn't understandable. But that's not a good mindset to have about the person you love and plan to marry. It probably makes him feel like crap.
So much this.
If a huge commitment to fitness/healthy eating is a dealbreaker for you then maybe he is not the one.
Otherwise, I say leave him be and let him figure out his own path to healthier living.
All of this! You need to decide for you if having an out of shape partner works for you, if it doesn't move on. Threatening him, and even worse idea talking to his boss?? If you did either to me I would be leaving you, not the good foundation for a healthy marriage. But good luck!0 -
hi :-)
I manage my husbands weight by making sure I pack him a healthy lunch and I make us a healthy breakfast. I also search for snacks that he likes, but I think are healthy and put them in his lunch box too.
Intake is the main cause for weight gain.
If he is craving sweets and such it's probably because he is not getting enough protein and healthy fats (like coconut oil, avocado etc.)
I notice my husband buys sweets when I don't give him a protein shake on top of protein heavy, carb light meals.
Soooo... I decided the best way to motivate him is just to make healthy options always available. I don't nag him about working out. and I don't mention it if he eats things I don't approve of. (unless it's mountain dew...I wont let that in my house without complaint!)
Also, When I am keeping a really good workout schedule and feeding us both healthy, energizing meals he is more likely to be active. Recently he started lifting weights and mountain biking. It took a year of healthy eating and watching me work out, but he came around because he saw how much better I feel.
So don't nag him. Just flood him with healthy food options and then just concentrate on your own workouts. :-) He may or may not come around. But if you feed him right he will be healthier regardless :-)0 -
I understand your desire for your boyfriend (or whatever he is) to live a healthy life at a healthy weight. But, it isn't your job to micromanage his weight loss or tell him he needs to do this/that/the other ESPECIALLY when it comes to holding your marriage over his head.
If you can't deal with his habits and you can deal with the fact that he may never want to take better care of himself then you should consider ending the relationship. He's got to want to do it for himself and you trying to coax or force him into something he doesn't want will only lead to anger and resentment.0 -
I'm considering talking to his boss and saying - you need to force him to take more breaks during the working day (because he'll eat his lunch in front of the computer whilst working).
Oh man. Please please please don't do this. If my husband took up any kind of personal issue with my boss I would lose my mind. And as a manager, if the spouse of someone on my team came to me with this kind of request, I'd think they were insane. This will reflect poorly on him in his professional life.
this is exactly what I was thinking. Terrible, terrible idea.0 -
I'm considering talking to his boss and saying - you need to force him to take more breaks during the working day (because he'll eat his lunch in front of the computer whilst working).
Oh man. Please please please don't do this. If my husband took up any kind of personal issue with my boss I would lose my mind. And as a manager, if the spouse of someone on my team came to me with this kind of request, I'd think they were insane. This will reflect poorly on him in his professional life.
I'm not sure how I missed this in the original post but, please don't take a personal issue to his boss. I don't even have the words to explain how inappropriate it is that you are even thinking about it.
Just. Don't. Do. It.
If you actually went to his boss and I was your boyfriend, that would be the end of the relationship because it was signal that while he may have physical health issues, you have serious emotional and mental health issues.0 -
You can't change someone. But you can motivate them. We are planning a vacation this summer that will involve some beach time. So I got off my butt (been on an exercise hiatus since I ran a marathon in October) grabbed the scale, stuck it on kitchen floor and looked at my husband and said we are doing this together. He stepped on the scale, needless to say that motivated him. no more junk food in our house! he has been snacking on carrots he has mentioned going to the gym, but hasn't gotten there yet. But he can also drop 20 lbs by just looking at healthy food. He has lost 4lbs in a week vs. my 1lb
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Tell him if he loses 50lbs you'll have a threesome. Motivation ftw!
This.0 -
After almost 4 years of an unhealthy relationship, I HAD to leave to better my health. He was unmotivated, smoking and selling illegal substances for a living, drinking his parent's alcohol and passing out naked, kept getting fired from jobs, refused to join MA and AA until I finally left, and dropped out on the classes for radiology school. I gained almost 40 pounds from depression on being unhappy and constantly trying to get healthy and active then giving up. Screaming, fighting, crying eating my feelings with awful foods. I took a year break being in a relationship with myself and living a healthy and happy life. I traveled to the East Coast and visited different states and did whatever made me smile! When I left in 2011 left he was 26. Today he has a newborn daughter, no school but living with his GF and attending MA and AA and I wish them all well.
I realized that he helped me love and love myself but I could not carry the motivation alone. It takes two for that. I realized I would find someone who had his own motivation because I sure as hell would not provide that for anyone but my family. I stick to that today. My current BF is very health concious and I love that so much it brings me so much happiness. I learned you cannot change people until they want to and I wish you the best of luck. Continue your healthy habits which are great and stand your ground. I understand that you want him to get healthy because you love him and this hurts you. Best of luck!0 -
I re-read your original post and got wondering...you mentioned he barely leaves the flat. Is there any chance he's going through something bigger like depression?0
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My honest advice?
Don't ... Just don't
Leave it alone. I speak from experience. I have wasted too much of MY time, MY energy, MY emotions trying to get my DH 'on board'. It's NOT going to happen. Calm talking, not so calm talking, crying, anger, etc. It gets you nowhere.
I have to do this for me and only me. He has to to do him, if he wants it, in his own time, doing it his own way.
When I lost weight the first time (back a 2nd time, some re-gain) but the first time around I stupidly thought he would just follow lock step (yes) and we'd be this healthy fitness couple. Nope. It's just me, alone in this and it always has been. The more I come to terms with it, the better I feel.
Good luck.0
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