"you are taking this too seriously"
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mndavid
Posts: 20
Anyone have to deal with this from an SO? Mine just doesn't get it. She is right, I look better before I started than a lot of other 40 year old guys, but that isn't saying much. I am doing this for me, and I am not looking it as a temporary thing. She is very typical and will text with how healthy she just ate, because it was a salad. Then she takes it personally when I try to give a suggestion. Her salad at the restaurant was more calories than I ate that day and I said "that's great, but it would be even better if we find a healthy recipe for that and still get the taste". She hates that when I cook, it's not slathered in extra crap that isn't needed, and doesn't like even discussing food anymore. Eye rolls, negative comments. Ugh. I haven't given up on eating, and I am doing this in a way I can sustain without feeling deprived for the most part. Five or six cheat days a week is not what I could call eating healthy.
This is all jumbled, sorry. Just a vent, move on if you'd like. Post your comments if you'd like.
This is all jumbled, sorry. Just a vent, move on if you'd like. Post your comments if you'd like.
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Replies
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Yes my boyfriend is the same exact way! The other day he cut up some cheese and sausage with crackers and got mad when I didn't want to eat any of it. He thinks Arby's is healthy. I don't suggest that he try to eat healthier but I wish he'd leave me alone about what I'm eating and stop laughing when I weigh all my food. He always has to compare me to other women, "you're not nearly as big as ____". And I say that it's not a contest, I don't care about what other people are doing or not doing, because I'm trying to be healthier for me. Hang in there. Feel free to add me if you'd like!0
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Is your SO overweight? If not, perhaps you could cook your healthy meals and let her add whatever she wants to her portions. If she is overweight, SHE is the only one who can make the decision to eat healthy. My DH has gained a lot of weight since he quit smoking last spring (after a heart attack) and is just now realizing he needs to attend to this. At first I was nagging him about it, but I have finally realized he has to do this for himself and not for me.0
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I had the same problem at first with my SO. He was very skeptical and just did the "nod and smile" thing when I talked about my choices and exercise program. I refused to let it deter me, though, and just kept doing my thing. Then, as the weight started disappearing, he was more interested and supportive. Even his view on women getting "bulky" from lifting is slowly changing to offering to spot me when I start lifting.
Just remember, this is for you and nobody else. She'll come around when she sees your confidence and how much better you feel. She is probably not ready for suggestions quite yet and maybe nodding and smiling at her food choices is the way to go for now, too. When she's ready for more ideas and information, she'll ask.
Hang in there and keep on keepin' on!0 -
I am so sorry david! That's horrible. UNFORTUNATELY, I've heard this all before from people who were attempting to lose weight. They normally didn't last together. What it sounds like is the you are ready for a change where she is comfortable in the same spot. How that works out between you two is up to you all. But, one of you will eventually become tired of the other. You, because of the lack of support that a significant other should be giving in such a trying time, and her because of all the changes she will have to adjust to within her own lifestyle that she clearly isn't ready for.
Suggestion: cook for yourself. Let her cook her own meal. Simple solution to a simple problem.
Suggestion 2: shut up. When a woman doesn't want to hear it you know. So let her eat all the fatty foods she wants. Do your own thing and stop being her help guide. She's a person that needs to figure it out herself.0 -
My hubby was never terribly supportive but didn't put down my efforts. He would bring me my favorite chocolate croissants or peanut butter cookies. I would say thank you for being thoughtful, I just ate will have it later, and just not eat it. He is the fast food king and sometimes it's hard not to jump on that train with him but that's my own issue. I can make healthy choices even at fast food joints. When I cook I ask him to try it, don't mention or make a big deal about the heathyness of it. Basically I try to make my weightloss my responsibility and not an issue between us.0
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Do whatever you need to do to make it work bud. You will know if you are overdoing it. Just make sure that you are doing it for yourself and your own personal goals, try not to let others' opinions affect your methods, regardless of who that person may be. Significant other, family, friends, MFP people haha... I currently live with my two brothers and they were laughing at me for weighing my food, counting calories, eating 6-7 times a day, etc, etc... even laughed at my workouts for awhile. Now they want to hit the gym and figure out how to eat better. Some just find it difficult to sympathize/empathize/rationalize exactly what and why it is you are doing what you are. Hope that makes sense...
Good luck!0 -
I have had the same thing in the past. Once my wife realized that I was doing it because I wanted to, rather than because I felt I needed to, or because of something I thought she wanted, she basically backed off. She's not exactly encouraging about it, but she at least isn't discouraging.0
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Is your SO overweight? If not, perhaps you could cook your healthy meals and let her add whatever she wants to her portions. If she is overweight, SHE is the only one who can make the decision to eat healthy. My DH has gained a lot of weight since he quit smoking last spring (after a heart attack) and is just now realizing he needs to attend to this. At first I was nagging him about it, but I have finally realized he has to do this for himself and not for me.
The ONLY reason I will answer this...she will never see it! I am far too smart to actually say this, but she could lose some weight. Technically, more than I should lose, and she is a foot shorter. In fact, she talks about it constantly. She talks about eating healthy and working out, but does neither. I say nothing. She has to find the same reason I did, for her.0 -
My hubby is one of those naturally skinny guys. He can eat whatever he wants, drinks Amp and soda all day and still weighs the same as he did in high school. Of course this is still not healthy, but I guess if the scale doesn't reflect it he doesn't care. I just started back on my diet three days ago and last night he comes to bed at ten with a plate of sloppyjoes!! Soooo frustrating, but what are you going to do. I have decided to just worry about me and leave him to his late night binges...its bound to catch up to him eventually:)0
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Hi Dave,
I think sometimes our SO's feel threatened when we start to improve ourselves, I know it was that way with my ex. He had me, didn't want anyone else to look at me, so it was better to keep me heavy. I think we just have to stand up for ourselves and say, hey, this is my health and I'm doing it for me. They either accept it and love you anyways, or perhaps they're not the right ones we need in our lives.
Just keep doing what you're doing, stay positive and get yourself healthy.
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Seems I am far from alone here! Thank you all.
I'm planning to keep doing my thing. My way. For me. I don't even have that much to lose, but I want to be far more fit than I am.
As mentioned, yes...this could be a problem between us. That's not a new thing, so I am going to proceed. I love that the MFP app scans my food, and I will do it, eye rolls and comments or not. What I am doing it training myself. Someday I may not count calories, after my habits are ingrained in my daily life without thinking.0 -
Don't try and push your diet onto her. If she wants to lose weight, she will come to that decision and do it on her own. No wonder she gets cranky!0
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My hubby is one of those naturally skinny guys. He can eat whatever he wants, drinks Amp and soda all day and still weighs the same as he did in high school. Of course this is still not healthy, but I guess if the scale doesn't reflect it he doesn't care. I just started back on my diet three days ago and last night he comes to bed at ten with a plate of sloppyjoes!! Soooo frustrating, but what are you going to do. I have decided to just worry about me and leave him to his late night binges...its bound to catch up to him eventually:)
It will likely catch him! In my teens and 20s I had to eat three large meals a day to maintain weight. LARGE meals, and I was pretty thin.0 -
Anyone have to deal with this from an SO? Mine just doesn't get it. She is right, I look better before I started than a lot of other 40 year old guys, but that isn't saying much. I am doing this for me, and I am not looking it as a temporary thing. She is very typical and will text with how healthy she just ate, because it was a salad. Then she takes it personally when I try to give a suggestion. Her salad at the restaurant was more calories than I ate that day and I said "that's great, but it would be even better if we find a healthy recipe for that and still get the taste". She hates that when I cook, it's not slathered in extra crap that isn't needed, and doesn't like even discussing food anymore. Eye rolls, negative comments. Ugh. I haven't given up on eating, and I am doing this in a way I can sustain without feeling deprived for the most part. Five or six cheat days a week is not what I could call eating healthy.
This is all jumbled, sorry. Just a vent, move on if you'd like. Post your comments if you'd like.
When she texts that she ate a salad, did she ASK for a critique of her meal? I bet she did not. Unsolicited advice is rarely taken well and usually makes the person on the receiving end feel like you're criticizing them and talking down to them.
No one starts out in the middle of their journey. You should know this. Your wife is not in her journey where you are in yours. Maybe she will come around and change, maybe she won't.
In discussing food, and in how you cook with limited ingredients, instead of calling stuff "extra crap that isn't needed", try explaining WHY that stuff is bad, or "isn't needed". If she understands the calorie goal, and how that 100 calories of butter for your eggs now could be 4 Hershey's kisses later, or a big cup of greek yogurt later (or whatever), she might 'get it' better.
A LOT of problems like yours are all about the presentation of the material, and not the material itself.0 -
Anyone have to deal with this from an SO? Mine just doesn't get it. She is right, I look better before I started than a lot of other 40 year old guys, but that isn't saying much. I am doing this for me, and I am not looking it as a temporary thing. She is very typical and will text with how healthy she just ate, because it was a salad. Then she takes it personally when I try to give a suggestion. Her salad at the restaurant was more calories than I ate that day and I said "that's great, but it would be even better if we find a healthy recipe for that and still get the taste". She hates that when I cook, it's not slathered in extra crap that isn't needed, and doesn't like even discussing food anymore. Eye rolls, negative comments. Ugh. I haven't given up on eating, and I am doing this in a way I can sustain without feeling deprived for the most part. Five or six cheat days a week is not what I could call eating healthy.
This is all jumbled, sorry. Just a vent, move on if you'd like. Post your comments if you'd like.
There is no other way to take this except seriously. If you want to achieve your goals, make changes in your health, learn eating habits that make you more efficient, then you can't be half-assed about it.
You can still have a lot of fun though.
Sounds like your significant other is projecting onto you and trying to bring you down to her level of comfort so she can be okay with herself. It's your food, you get to control it.
Maybe she just needs to be reassured that your love for her hasn't changed just what you eat has. Could be her fear talking. Any change, even positive ones, in a relationship can be perceived a threatening to the other half.0 -
When she texts that she ate a salad, did she ASK for a critique of her meal? I bet she did not. Unsolicited advice is rarely taken well and usually makes the person on the receiving end feel like you're criticizing them and talking down to them.
No one starts out in the middle of their journey. You should know this. Your wife is not in her journey where you are in yours. Maybe she will come around and change, maybe she won't.
In discussing food, and in how you cook with limited ingredients, instead of calling stuff "extra crap that isn't needed", try explaining WHY that stuff is bad, or "isn't needed". If she understands the calorie goal, and how that 100 calories of butter for your eggs now could be 4 Hershey's kisses later, or a big cup of greek yogurt later (or whatever), she might 'get it' better.
A LOT of problems like yours are all about the presentation of the material, and not the material itself.
I don't call it "extra crap that isn't needed" in person, lol. But, I get the salad text thing. A couple posts in here make me realize I should shut my mouth even more.0 -
I will say from experience, and not to criticize you, that almost NO ONE takes unsolicited feedback very well. When she chose her salad and decided to make comments about how healthy it was she wanted to feel good and your comment probably made her feel quite the opposite, as though you weren't supporting her EFFORT to eat healthy. People take comments like that personally as if it's an "I'm better than you and therefore have advice to give" sort of thing instead of a true effort to help. I would avoid commenting on her food unless she asks you a question. Next time she brings up her weight guide her to the Lose It or MFP app so she can start tracking what she eats...that will do loads more for her if she's resistant to incorporate advice from someone so close to her.0
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My husband is very supportive of my exercise & dieting. Just had our daughter just over 3 months ago and have lost almost 40 lbs. Still have a little way to go. So HE is not the issue... but I have dealt with criticism from others that I did not understand... such as, "being so concerned about your weight is so vain..." UHM I want to be able to run around with my daughter when she's a toddler and have as much energy as she does! We just moved into a new house and we have a pool, I want to be able to get in there and teach her to swim! There is a lot of area in our neighborhood perfect for taking a jogging stroller out and going for a run on nice days - I want her to experience nature and sunshine and the breeze in her face! Sometimes I guess people just don't understand why we are intent on improving ourselves.0
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Anyone have to deal with this from an SO? Mine just doesn't get it. She is right, I look better before I started than a lot of other 40 year old guys, but that isn't saying much. I am doing this for me, and I am not looking it as a temporary thing. She is very typical and will text with how healthy she just ate, because it was a salad. Then she takes it personally when I try to give a suggestion. Her salad at the restaurant was more calories than I ate that day and I said "that's great, but it would be even better if we find a healthy recipe for that and still get the taste". She hates that when I cook, it's not slathered in extra crap that isn't needed, and doesn't like even discussing food anymore. Eye rolls, negative comments. Ugh. I haven't given up on eating, and I am doing this in a way I can sustain without feeling deprived for the most part. Five or six cheat days a week is not what I could call eating healthy.
This is all jumbled, sorry. Just a vent, move on if you'd like. Post your comments if you'd like.
There is no other way to take this except seriously. If you want to achieve your goals, make changes in your health, learn eating habits that make you more efficient, then you can't be half-assed about it.
You can still have a lot of fun though.
Sounds like your significant other is projecting onto you and trying to bring you down to her level of comfort so she can be okay with herself. It's your food, you get to control it.
Maybe she just needs to be reassured that your love for her hasn't changed just what you eat has. Could be her fear talking. Any change, even positive ones, in a relationship can be perceived a threatening to the other half.
I definitely agree with this. But OP, I also think you need to look at what you may be doing to bring some of this on. I wouldn't like someone critiquing my choices at a restaurant, especially if I didn't ask for an opinion. Sometimes we get so caught up in what we are doing that we inadvertently try to change those around us and make them see the light. But it doesn't work that way. I'm not saying she doesn't have her own issues, and she more than likely does feel threatened. But I think you have a role in this as well.0 -
Is your SO overweight? If not, perhaps you could cook your healthy meals and let her add whatever she wants to her portions. If she is overweight, SHE is the only one who can make the decision to eat healthy. My DH has gained a lot of weight since he quit smoking last spring (after a heart attack) and is just now realizing he needs to attend to this. At first I was nagging him about it, but I have finally realized he has to do this for himself and not for me.
The ONLY reason I will answer this...she will never see it! I am far too smart to actually say this, but she could lose some weight. Technically, more than I should lose, and she is a foot shorter. In fact, she talks about it constantly. She talks about eating healthy and working out, but does neither. I say nothing. She has to find the same reason I did, for her.
Are you working out in the gym? Maybe you could get her in a fitness class she enjoys and lift (or whatever you do) while she's in there, or take a class together, or lift together. I don't often see couples lifting together, so I'm assuming there's something inherent to it that makes it fail.0
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