Reaching out for help....I have a problem

I was in a similar boat, I think. And, every day, I failed, without even knowing it.

I love food. I really do. I love french fries, burgers, ice cream, and everything they have in the aisles of the grocery store. That's where I failed. 95% of the products from the middle of the grocery store have been cheapened and/or chemically altered to make you crave it like crack. (Pringles need a rehab center, IMO). Turns out what I loved was what the food industry was engineering for me to love. When you think of it that way, it's kinda gross.

I'm smart. I don't feel I need others to succeed at my goals, and I can handle my personal life myself. That's where I failed. I enrolled in a fitness program that was designed for people with extra weight to lose, and hearing the struggles of others and how similar the stories were to mine helped me stay on track. I needed the accountability; I couldn't do it on my own.

I always put other people first, and my own needs (one of which was to be healthy) went to the bottom of the list. I give blood regularly. There's a medication that I should but don't take which will make me more mobile and energetic, but I avoided taking it because I couldn't give blood on it. That was where I failed. In reality, I needed to take a chance and put myself first, and for once worry about my own health, which I'm doing now. I needed to be healthy, so I could do more things for more people, and I didn't recognize that early enough. Now I long for the lost opportunities that I had.

I avoided moving, especially stairs. But I worked in a building where I didn't need the stairs, and I lived in a house that didn't have many stairs. I'd get winded on stairs, so I just avoided them. That was where I failed. A trainer told me to speak to a doctor about possibly having asthma, which I apparently have had for most of my life. I started using an inhaler just before working out, and not only can I finish a workout, but I even run for fun now.

Anyway, the way I changed wasn't just eating better. It wasn't just exercising more. It wasn't just finding a support network of people like me. It wasn't just finding a reason to want to live longer.

It was all of these things.

And once I started doing all of these things, I left my goals in the dust. (see below)

Now, when working in my accountability group, the people who see the most success are those who set attainable goals. They may be "No ice cream this week." It may be "hold plank for 10 seconds longer than my previous best." They may be "lose 3 pounds this month", but they are small, attainable, and don't drive everything you do. If you strive for monstrous goals, you can expect disastrous results.

For you, I would suggest something like this:
1) Every week, lose a half pound that you had last week. If you lose three this week, that's great, but you still need to lose a half pound next week. Weigh in every Monday morning, and then put the scale away for the rest of the week. Or, use the scale at your local clinic; they usually let you stop in and weigh in for free, and then you won't go do it every moment. If you hit the bare minimum on this, you will lose 26 pounds a year!
2) Use MFP daily to log everything, and to set a calorie goal equivalent to losing 1 pound/week. If that doesn't work after a month, up it to two lbs a week. It doesn't seem like a lot of food, but your body will adjust. (I went from 3500 cal/day to about 1300 for maximum results.) Get friends on there who will scold you if you don't do it.
3) Don't eat after 7PM. Your food can't turn into anything usable and be used after that point, so it will just be converted into storage, and nobody wants that.
4) Pick one meal per week where you can eat whatever the heck you want. Stick with it. You have a craving, save it for that meal. You probably won't want to eat it by then anyway.
5) One day per week, don't eat anything with ingredients you can't pronounce. Week 2, up that to two. By week 7, you think you will have your "cheat meal" to look forward to, but you'll actually start to taste foods differently, and you'll actually be "cheating" with healthy foods anyway.
6) Workout, get moving, do something so you earn back calories every day in MFP. BUT, only eat half of those. So if you earn 600 calories mowing the lawn, only eat 300 of those for the day (or less).

You want to change, so you will. But you have to keep wanting it, and (stealing this mantra) you need to go after it with gazelle intensity, or else... well, you know what happened to the slow gazelle.

-William

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My goals: Note that I started in May '13
1st goal: Lose 40 lbs in the first year - completed by end of July
2nd goal: Lose 40 lbs in this next year - December set me back, but I've got 13 to go in the next six months.
3rd goal: Run a 5K by the end of 2015 - Did that last November.
4th Goal: Run 3-5Ks each calendar year until I can't. - we'll see how that goes.

I totally get this! I started at 190lbs (nearly 14 stone) and I still thought I looked great like when I was a good 50lbs lighter, then every so often I'd see a photo of when I thought I looked great and realised that a) I did not look good b) someone of my size should not wear a bodycon dress and c) when did my face get so big??? I'd be bothered for a few days get over it and then got back into my head that I was fine....

It was only in the summer/Autumn that I had to stop wearing my wedding rings that It really hit me.

Don't worry your moment of clarity will come x

I absolutely understand what you are saying about being both concerned and unmotivated at the same time, not recognizing that you look overweight and yet realizing and worrying about being overweight at the same time.... I suffered from this confusion for many years.

For most of us (and I'll exclude people with major medical (ex. thyroid) issues), gaining weight and becoming obese was a long, slow trauma that we inflicted upon ourselves by using food in an abusive way toward ourselves, under the guise of "comforting" ourselves or soothing our painful emotions. We didnt' know how to cope with the difficulties of life so we ate to feel some modicum of pleasure. It's extremely subtle, not exactly black and white like, "I'm sad. Therefore I'll eat this ice cream until I nearly puke". No, it's more like, "I eat ice cream over and over and can't stop for some reason, even though I really want to". We need comfort and happiness, and yet we deliver the exact opposite to ourselves by means of weight gain, guilt, shame, and sharp self-critque.

Many people in trauma/abuse situations block out large portions of that trauma in order to cope with the pain of what's happening to them. I believe chronic and compulsive overeaters do just this. We have to "shut off" parts of our selves - some of our memories, our values, our desires - in order to cope with the fear of the "beast within" and the disgust and self-hatred we have long developed toward ourselves.

Thus, we are extremely disconnected with ourselves. Our dreams and hopes. We've "given up" in a sense. And yet waaaaaay down deep in there.....we really DO want to be happy and healthy. But we do not allow ourselves to believe it. It's just too painful considering we've come this far and screwed up our lives so badly.

Over time, this disconnection deeply damages the relationship between our DESIRES and our ACTIONS. We convince ourselves that "it's not that bad", "I'm not THAT overweight", "I can eat just a little of these cookies", and on and on... And yet it IS that bad, we ARE that overweight, and we CAN'T only eat a few cookies at a time. it's like living in a fantasy world. Numbness.

In order for you to experience true motivation, you must begin to bring those desires for health and freedom into alignment with REALITY which requires real ACTION in the real world. The first step of action is realizing and admitting you have a problem. I believe that by coming on these boards you are dipping your toe into the waters of admitting this. I suggest you sit down, think about it, maybe journal about it, and DIVE IN to this concept. "I have a problem and that's OKAY. I am admitting it, and will seek help. I will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get that help. I will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to value myself enough to get this taken care of."

Then begin the journey. What might that look like? It might involve getting involved with a support group, such as overeaters anonymous (I highly recommend). It might mean reading some good books on this issue ("Food Trigger" by Rhona Epstein is an amazing book I'm reading). It might mean meeitng with a therapist or pastor. Visiting a nutritionist or personal trainer. Making friends on here and asking for support. Logging your calories into MFP.... There are a host of ACTIONS you can perform to bring your DESIRES to life.

Sometimes it takes a step out onto the water before you discover you can walk on it. I highly encourage you to do this, figuratively. For your health and your sanity. If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me. Blessings!

I was in the same boat for years. I knew I was obese when I saw myself in the mirror or in pictures but I didn't really feel that bad about how I looked or felt most of the time. However, as I reached my highest weight in 2009, I started feeling more self conscious and noticing that I couldn't get around as easily and although it took a few months to fully set in, I finally decided it was time to do something about my weight. And I didn't care so much about getting skinny just to look better, I mostly wanted to feel better in my skin and be able to do more physically.

You're the only one that can figure out the goals that will really work for you. Take some time, put some thought into it and keep writing down things as they occur to you. For me in the beginning it was mostly about getting out of the obese range, lowing my bp and cholesterol and trying to get some movement in. Then it became more about meeting fitness goals (running a 5k for instance) and now it's a balance of the two. I'm continuing with my fitness AND working to finally get into the healthy BMI range for my height.

Just make sure those goals are small, realistic and achievable so you don't set yourself up for failure. No need to be in any huge rush. Slow and steady wins the race.

to be honest I was in a slump for a really long time and I didn't care but the fact that you are here and seeking help and advice is a good start - if you do what you are supposed to do - not only will you drop weight but you will feel better about yourself as well and you will start to care more about what choices you make....good luck on your journey!

Sounds to me that you may be in a depression spiral. Also set your goals attainable. One goal could be go to the gym 3 times a week. It takes 7 weeks to break a habit. Another goal could be to do you food diary every day. I struggle with this one. Another goal. swap out something that you have a weakness for-chocolate cake with some thing that is good. Or find a recipe to make it healthier.

liking yourself is one thing and that's great but the number does not seem healthy and that's enough reason to lose some weight. no one says you have to be a size 2. I'm happy being a 10. just want to firm up and get rid of the stomach fat, I've always hated that word fat ugh anyway your checking in on this site for a reason so just give it a shot

The use of photographs kept me motivated and also gave me an idea of how much to lose. I recommend taking pictures of your body for all women looking to lose weight, because comparing them gives you such a great feeling.

I totally get this! I started at 190lbs (nearly 14 stone) and I still thought I looked great like when I was a good 50lbs lighter, then every so often I'd see a photo of when I thought I looked great and realised that a) I did not look good b) someone of my size should not wear a bodycon dress and c) when did my face get so big??? I'd be bothered for a few days get over it and then got back into my head that I was fine....

It was only in the summer/Autumn that I had to stop wearing my wedding rings that It really hit me.

Don't worry your moment of clarity will come x

This is so me. Agreed take like swim suit pics in mirror with your phone for instant views.

If you are a gamer like me, create achievements. Play it like a game. That is basically all life is anyway. Play to win and play hard.

Maybe focus on health instead of looks.

I used to be very skinny in my teens and twenties. I worked on the international circuit as a fashion model between the ages of 18 to 25. When I retired from that business at 25 I resolved never to give another thought to my appearance or to diet again. Because I didn't care about my weight I put on 2 kg a year, every year for over 20 years. A 5 lb gain every year only represents a daily surplus of maybe 40 kcals (that's half a slice of toast?) so is not really that bad, but I shouldn't have let it go that long. I also got to the point of avoiding mirrors, etc, and didn't like being reminded I didn't look as good as I used to, age aside.

When I was diagnosed as type 2 diabetic in August 2012, that got my *kitten* into gear to start losing weight. It became a health issue rather than a vanity issue.

Get something that works for you. Please ignore the person who said you shouldn't eat after 7 pm because the calories you consume magically turn into some sort of friggin' pumpkin that sits on your *kitten* and never leaves. It's not true.

Read the guide to sexypants link someone posted - it has the BEST advice for this. Figure out what you should be eating calorie wise (if you use MFP, don't let it set you to 1200 - cut back on the # of pounds per week if it does. I'd say 1400+ is more reasonable). Weigh your food. Track everything. Get as close to a nearly perfect indication of what your calorie intake is right now. If you use MFP's settings, eat back exercise calories, BUT beware that MFP's default calories burned under exercises tends to be ridiculously high. Don't make the mistake of overestimating calorie burn and eating up your deficit. If you use TDEE - a %, set your MFP stuff manually and follow that.

Be honest in your calorie intake. Tasted something you were baking? Log it. It adds up.

BABY STEPS. So much weight loss failure in my life was going 'full bore' and making a gagillion changes, usually massively restricting something I liked. With calorie counting in a reasonable way, you have enough calories to feel satiated and you can eat whatever you want within those calorie intake limit, so you don't have to cut out all sugar or all carbs or all purple-polka-dotted gummy bears or whatever. That, to me, was KEY because when I failed (and I always failed), I would feel horrible because I had cheese or a cookie or whatever, and then I would be depressed and then I would go eat more. Blech. Now, I just know that I have a calorie limit, and the freedom to eat whatever within it. I tend to choose wiser now, adding more fruits and vegetables, because I can spread out my calorie 'buck'.

For working out - again baby steps. Find something small. Do it until it is a habit. Add something else or change it up, etc. Educate yourself, lots of good info here.

You can do this. But you do totally have to want it yourself. We can't give you motivation. External motivation only goes so far. It needs to be intrinsic.

The bottom line is that you HAVE TO CARE. There are no two ways about it. I have 150 lbs that I have to lose and I know all about feeling discouraged and not caring and throwing my arms up in the air more time than I care to admit. There comes a point when you have to make the decision to dive head first into it and make it work. There will be days when it seems that your efforts don't pan out but there are dozens of reasons why.
Dig deep and remember why you started the journey and use that as your motivation to pick yourself up and get back on that horse and RIDE! There will always be folks around you can turn to and share with----GOOD AND BAD. Put less focus on your setbacks and put more on your victories....ALL OF THEM....from only losing 1 pound to a pair of pants starting to get loose to someone passing you a compliment. Celebrate them all. YOUR WORTH IT!

Focusing on the physical aspect of getting healthy is bound to discourage anyone, regardless of size. But, as one of my favorite quotes goes, nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude. And nothing in the world can help the man with the wrong one.
So basically, when you want to strive for that goal more than you're satisfied with how you are now, that's when you'll find your motivation.

I have been the same way for a long time. My recommendation is to look in mirrors as much as possible. Have friends take a ton of pictures of you and show them to you. You need to really see what you DO look like. Then realize what you WANT to look like. The motivation to make those two things one and the same will come once you've really come to terms with reality. You need to do so without shame though. When you look at the mirror you need to remember that while it may not reflect who you are on the inside or what you think you should look like, you are still beautiful. It's very important to remember that.