why isn't he all over me?

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holagatita
holagatita Posts: 1,785 Member
in Motivation and Support
I had a baby 10months ago and was at my record high of 224lbs. Since them I have lost 90lbs so I am now down to 134lbs. I feel hot and sexy but my hubby doesn't seem to see it. I asked him if he liked me better at another weight and he said he's never had an issue with my body. Why isn't he all over me then? He is a big guy but I've never had a problem with his body either. I feel stupid even posting this but has anyone else had this issue?
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  • JohnMatrix
    JohnMatrix Posts: 59
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    It's very possible that he's not feeling great about himself seeing you lose so much weight. It takes effort to lose that much bodyweight and if he doesn't have the discipline or the care to improve his own shape, he might be feeling insecure. Just my own theory that I have no credentials to back it up with.
  • dbmata
    dbmata Posts: 12,951 Member
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    Sometimes, men of a certain size have hormone issues that inhibit libido and potentially complicate the ways the door dinger works.
  • msf74
    msf74 Posts: 3,498 Member
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    It's impossible to tell from the information you have given.

    Lots of men suffer from loss of libido either due to relationship issues (which can be quite common when a baby arrives), stress, anxiety, depression, medication, hormonal changes, aging.

    I know there is a one dimensional view of male sexuality that we want it anytime, anyplace, anywhere but sometimes that just isn't true and it may have very little to do with whether he still finds his partner attractive or not.

    You could try talking to him about it.
  • Papillon22
    Papillon22 Posts: 1,160 Member
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    That sounds like a question for him :) If your body is not the issue, then there must be something else. Maybe you could try having a conversation where you tell him what you're feeling, so he can understand what you want to know.
  • tzig00
    tzig00 Posts: 875 Member
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    Is it your first baby? It could be the fact that he's adjusting to being a dad and having more responsibility than just the 2 of you. Is he worried about anything, like has money become tight lately?
  • Adrasteis
    Adrasteis Posts: 110 Member
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    Perhaps now he is feeling insecure with his own physical features now that you are looking hot and toned?
  • salendire
    salendire Posts: 53
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    Sometimes men aren't as hell bent on our body image as we think they are. He loves you, so he probably doesn't see you any differently to before you lost weight, not that he doesn't notice or care, more that it doesn't have a direct effect on his sex drive.

    There are a lot of health and mental issues that can have an effect on sex drive as well, maybe it's worth talking to him about it or suggesting he see a doctor to get a check up?
  • sassyjae21
    sassyjae21 Posts: 1,217 Member
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    Sad post made me sad.

    Talk to him. Like others have said, he could be feeling bad about himself.:frown:
  • BrainyBurro
    BrainyBurro Posts: 6,129 Member
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    work stress and all sorts of other things could be weighing on your husband's mind. if hasn't said he's not attracted to you, then don't assume he's not attracted to you. sometimes, life problems get in the way of everything else... ask him what's going on.
  • MityMax96
    MityMax96 Posts: 5,778 Member
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    I had a baby 10months ago and was at my record high of 224lbs. Since them I have lost 90lbs so I am now down to 134lbs. I feel hot and sexy but my hubby doesn't seem to see it. I asked him if he liked me better at another weight and he said he's never had an issue with my body. Why isn't he all over me then? He is a big guy but I've never had a problem with his body either. I feel stupid even posting this but has anyone else had this issue?

    Ok being a guy let me ask some things....
    A lot of women assume that guys are horny dogs, and just want to go at it all the time, at a drop of a hat.....
    I for one don't agree with that......maybe when I was younger, but now, I don't.
    Things are different.....

    Yes there is the physical/visual aspect....so you are down to 130, and you look good....
    But are you walking around the house in sweat pants and sweat shirt??
    Us guys do like for our women to look nice....beyond just the body looking nice.

    DO you let him know?? Do you initiate??

    Having a baby in the house now takes a lot of attention....so that can be tough on both parents.

    Have you done or said things in the past that pushed him away when he tried to make advances on you??
    Those things can hang around in our heads.....I know it does for me....
  • holagatita
    holagatita Posts: 1,785 Member
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    We are both I'm 30 and hes 31. It just annoys me that he looks at girls online but doesn't seem to be attracted to me as much as some random girl. I know the baby wakes up like 2xs a night and then there is work and everything so sometimes we are both tired but it seems I go to him more than the other way around. He was all over me right after the baby so I'm not sure what changed.
  • wolfsbayne
    wolfsbayne Posts: 3,116 Member
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    also, his age may make a difference. A lot of men in their 40's suffer from testosterone decline. That may have a lot to do with it.

    Edited after I saw that you posted your ages. Babies in the house do make a difference in how you feel.
  • sassyjae21
    sassyjae21 Posts: 1,217 Member
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    We are both I'm 30 and hes 31. It just annoys me that he looks at girls online but doesn't seem to be attracted to me as much as some random girl. I know the baby wakes up like 2xs a night and then there is work and everything so sometimes we are both tired but it seems I go to him more than the other way around. He was all over me right after the baby so I'm not sure what changed.

    If he's looking at girls online, but not looking at or attracted to you, that is a real problem. You need to figure that out because that is a huge deal and can really wreck a relationship/marriage.
  • Dedicatedmetime
    Dedicatedmetime Posts: 32 Member
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    I don't have any advice but just wanted to say you look fabulous!
  • wolfsbayne
    wolfsbayne Posts: 3,116 Member
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    We are both I'm 30 and hes 31. It just annoys me that he looks at girls online but doesn't seem to be attracted to me as much as some random girl. I know the baby wakes up like 2xs a night and then there is work and everything so sometimes we are both tired but it seems I go to him more than the other way around. He was all over me right after the baby so I'm not sure what changed.

    If he's looking at girls online, but not looking at or attracted to you, that is a real problem. You need to figure that out because that is a huge deal and can really wreck a relationship/marriage.

    this 100%
  • BuildBigger
    BuildBigger Posts: 3
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    Well said MittyMax.
  • MityMax96
    MityMax96 Posts: 5,778 Member
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    We are both I'm 30 and hes 31. It just annoys me that he looks at girls online but doesn't seem to be attracted to me as much as some random girl. I know the baby wakes up like 2xs a night and then there is work and everything so sometimes we are both tired but it seems I go to him more than the other way around. He was all over me right after the baby so I'm not sure what changed.

    Ok....
    Well here are some more of my thoughts....if you care.
    Guys like new things....there have been many studies on this, and I am sure you have seen them....
    But w/ the internet is possible to beat our brains out, cause you can see so many different women all at the click of a button.
    So be aware of that.....

    But it might be time to sit and talk....
    And when you talk, both of you need to be honest with each other.
    Both of you need to be able to say the stuff that needs to be said WITHOUT hurt feelings.
    For me a lot of times I will clam up, because I know if I say something, it will result in stuff I don't want to deal with......
    All I want to do is be able to discuss and have an understanding, and try to move on and work from there.
    But for my wife, she doesn't have the same mind set, so it is met with her getting defensive and making it seem like I hate her or something.....which that is not the case.

    So make sure you go into the conversation with a clear head.
    And that things can be said, that may hurt you.....but it is not meant to hurt you.
    It is just him trying to get his thoughts out.....
    And make sure he understands this as well.......
    That you want to get your thoughts out as well....

    The goal is to discuss and talk....but NOT ATTACK each other.
  • perfectlytrained
    perfectlytrained Posts: 83 Member
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    When I became a mother, my then-husband's view of me altered. I wasn't just his wife, I was the mother of his child. He gave that status more and more importance as time passed... And in this regard, our "playtime" suffered.

    Children really change the dynamics in a relationship.

    Not saying this is what's going on in your case, but something to ponder...
  • MityMax96
    MityMax96 Posts: 5,778 Member
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    Well said MittyMax.

    :wink: :drinker:

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