100 Pounds Gone... Again

Hi everybody! I reached a big milestone this week- 100 lbs gone! Not only that, it's the second time in my life that I've lost this much weight. I figured I'd share a little bit about it tonight in the hope that somebody who has lost and gained a ton of weight and who feels defeated will see that it's not impossible to get a second chance.

In 2008, I decided to go on a diet. I had been overweight my whole life, and like a lot of people, I thought losing weight would take away all my problems. If I could have a "normal" weight, nobody would roll their eyes at me in elevators or be nasty to me in the grocery store. I'd get promotions in my career and my love life would be earth shattering. No more would I be the fat girl with the pretty face- people would finally look at me and see a regular person and I'd be worthy of their respect instead of their scorn. I'd also probably start getting invited to balls and wear chandelier earrings and six inch heels, and my hair would always look great, obviously. Life would be perfect.

I joined Weight Watchers, got a trainer, and started doing the treadmill. Eventually I started running and I rode my bike everywhere I went. In a little over a year, I went from a size 24 to a size 14 and lost 107 pounds.





I felt great and everybody I knew gave me a ton of compliments. The problem was that I was completely obsessed with dieting and exercising and weight loss; every conversation I had during that year seemed to revolve around my big transformation. Every entry in my journal from that time is about losing weight and what size I was and how people reacted to seeing me thinner. It consumed me. I am sure I was super boring to be around.

Now, I never reached my goal. A couple of months after I hit my 100 lbs gone that time, I started feeling depressed. Yes, I had lost a lot of weight, but all the insecurities and problems I had when I was fat somehow magically didn't disappear. Part of me honestly couldn't believe that people who could shop at The Gap could have real problems. It sounds nuts, but I really did expect life to sail smoothly once my thighs weren't gigantic. I could run for two miles but I still had anxiety around new people and still somehow felt like I didn't measure up to other people. I might have been thinner, but my brain was basically the same. It should probably surprise no seasoned dieter that I started gaining weight back.

I had gained back about fifty pounds by the end of 2010. I was pretty down in the dumps, and things sure didn't get better when I tore one of my hip muscles off the bone (while walking my dog, like a true athlete!) This was a nightmare injury- it took six months to even get a diagnosis and I ended up having surgery and over two years of rehab. I was on crutches for 2.5 years and had to sell my condo and move in with my parents. For months, I had to stay in bed because I couldn't move my hip beyond a certain angle. Thankfully I work from home so my career wasn't affected, but basically everything else in my life fell apart. To put it mildly, it was no fun.

One thing I learned from being immobile was that I absolutely never wanted to be in that situation again. I decided that I was going to get active as soon as I could. I worked my *kitten* off in hip rehab, walking around a track with crutches, doing laps walking in a pool with a bunch of eighty year olds- basically whatever it took. Food was one of the only fun things in my life during this period, and I didn't want to beat myself up over eating too much. By the time I graduated from rehab, I had gained all the weight I lost back except for nine pounds.

Early in 2013, I was finally cleared to do more than 1.5 mph on a treadmill. I started using MyFitnessPal and tracking calories, and I joined a gym. I started doing the elliptical machine for about 20 minutes four times a week and then did a weight routine. Eventually, this got kind of boring and a friend convinced me to try Bikram yoga. It was horrible and awful and wonderful at the same time, and I saw pretty incredible results, both with weight loss and hip mobility. The pounds started going down, slowly but surely.

Here's the thing, though- weight loss wasn't my main focus in life. It just became PART of my life. The focus for me was getting the function in my hip back and I celebrated with every bit of flexibility that returned. Sure, I was watching calories, but I was also eating everything I wanted to eat, just less of it. Most of my friends and my family didn't even know I was losing weight because honestly, it wasn't that big of a deal for me. I was so happy about being able to walk and not having to use a wheelchair at the grocery store that the weight loss was just a nice bonus.

Sooooooooooooo, long story short, I am down a hundred pounds again. I went from a size 22 to a size 12, and the last time I saw this low a number on the scale, I was in sixth grade. I can keep up with super intense yoga classes, shovel snow (lots of it, siiiigh), walk the dog, walk up stairs without feeling winded and keep up with my niece and nephews. Best of all, my hip is back to where it was before my accident. I have no pain, no limp and no lingering weakness. Last week, I went in to visit my old physical therapist and he was shocked by how well it's doing. He never thought I'd regain full function in it, and a year later, it's better than he ever imagined it would be.







So, basically, if you lost a ton of weight and are embarrassed that you gained it back, trust me- you can get back to where you were before. Focus on staying healthy and active instead of focusing on what the scale says. Celebrate yourself at every size and don't take being able to walk or move for granted. I am literally the least coordinated person I know, and if I can do yoga, absolutely anyone could. It's worth taking the effort to be the healthiest and the happiest you can be. Being smaller won't erase your problems, but I'd rather be an eccentric, goofy, anxious woman who can WALK than an eccentric, goofy, anxious woman who has to stay in bed and be bathed by her family. I have 22 pounds to go to my goal weight, but I honestly feel like I've already won the lottery.