Need advice on dealing with a critical mother

My mother was very dominant and controlling, but less critical. It was all drama and control at our house. When I finally began to turn the tide it was ugly for awhile, but it worked eventually.

when she would start in I would just tell her calmly "I'm sorry you feel the need to say that to me. I'm not here to argue/be berrated/whatever. I think I should go home." And then I would quietly get up and leave. No taking the bait. No reaction to it. No feeding the beast.

It did finally end badly one day as I was leaving (college kid with a huge bag of dirty laundry in my hands) and she exploded (which wasn't unusual). She wasn't having me go home with dirty clothes she said. She wasn't having me go out in dirty clothes to school she said. I told her I'd wash them in the bathtub before I'd be talked to like that anymore. She actually physically had hold of the bag tug of war style with me. She said I could go but I couldn't take my vehicle. I told her I certainly could. She said she'd report it stolen. I said that should go well, it's in my name. Call them now. And off I went dragging my dirty clothes to the truck. And I left.

Then the long silence happened. A long period of no communication. Then it started to improve. She would criticize or control too much and I would get up and go home - making the same comments each time. Then it was finally better. It took me and some calm determination to turn that boat. It took willingness to lose her if she didn't change.

I get mother issues. I really really do. She didn't criticize my physical appearance - just everything else. She said I was "too D@%$ independent" which I finally realized just meant she couldn't control every detail of my life. She compared me to my cousin - and how well she did. Well that backfired as her (the cousin's) life (and one bad public society page marriage) went south. My mother wanted great things for me - the things she felt she didn't achieve for herself. She had a hard time realizing that I was not her and wanted my own path and life.

I did quit shopping with mine - just refused. We had a "somebody should have called the police" moment in a KMart one day over a clearance dress she wanted me to like. I hated it - it looked like an old lady and I was probably 19. She was determined and I was determined and, well, I'm not sure why police didn't show up that day.

It can get better - it really can. But it will probably be harder first.

When I look back now, it's bittersweet. She finally became calm and we started a better relationship. Then she died suddenly when I was 26. I have come to understand that she was likely bipolar (based on a lot of other details) and she knew she needed help (she mentioned it a few times) but wouldn't seek help because of the stigma with her career. She struggled with a lot of things - a marriage to an ambition-less but steady working alcoholic, a career she sold herself short on as she was incredibly smart, and a life she thought would turn out quite different. I forgave her after she was gone. I realized she did the best she could with what she had (a broken mental state) and that I can look at it for what it was. There was abuse - that's another story. There was rage - another day maybe. There were mental breaks - not today. There were crazy fights with my father - not now. But there were also times when we bonded deeply and I try to remember those now, even though sometimes it seems all I can recall is the bad. So try to look for some good in her and make a point to remember those times too.

I do not speak to my parents, my mother disowned me. Partly because I decided to have a life and not be her lifelong servant. Regarding weight, my mother was only kind to me when I was thinner. When I was heavier she would do things like buy me a Medium t shirt and tell me I could wear it if I lost weight. BTW I am adopted. My mother is eternally disappointed that I didn't turn out to be a petite 90lb 5'2 woman like her. I am 5"10" and nowhere near delicate :happy:

I highly recommend this book. I tell everyone about it. The first time I read it I drove my husband crazy because all he could hear was me going "OMG that's my mother' and so forth over and over again

http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1391798957&sr=8-3&keywords=susan+forward

You have to decide if you want to cut ties or create whatever distance you need to feel emotionally healthy. You are an adult. You get to decide how you life is and whom you bring into in. Family or not, never allow anyone to treat you like a second class citizen! Your mother has a whole host of issues regarding weight and appearance, that is her issue not yours.

My mother was overly critical of my looks as well when I was young. I was heavier, a little overweight but not obese (yet), but she always harped on how fat and ugly I was. She was a model when she was young, and put on weight over the years and having children, so I don't know if she was projecting or what, but once I turned 18 and moved out for college, I never spoke to her again. She treated me poorly, and doesn't deserve my time. I prefer to fill my life with more positive influences. It's up to you if you want to do the same, but all your mother sounds like she's bringing to the table is pain.

Your mother should get a taste of her own medicine so I would start having some nasty comebacks. Just because she gave birth does not mean she can use you as a punch line. To get respect you have to earn it. Better yet, be happy with yourself, and I mean truly happy with your knowledge of flaws and resolve to be a better person and let her get by on her own misery. She is not a happy woman. Yes, I would mouth off to her. I would say if you keep this up I never want to see you again and you can hire a caregiver.

I recommend the book "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" by Susan Forward. My problem was just a tiny fraction of yours, but it changed my life. It has allowed me to learn skills that have helped me take better control of every aspect of my life. Best wishes for your continued progress!

You're not alone.

Although my mom is fantastic and I'm very close to her, my stepmother is very critical and has been since I was a kid.

One of my personal favs: TWO days after my father died, she gave me a lecture on not wearing enough make up "You'd look so much prettier if...." and told me that my father always thought I looked better with my hair short (it's long now and I know my father couldn't have cared less about my hairstyle).

She was basing this on how I looked sitting by my father's bedside on the night he died I guess. Apparently she thought I could have been dolled up a little more. ("Hang on there dad, don't die yet, I'm just going to put some eyeliner on...")

Can't please everyone.

we have "the family butt" over here... thankfully the only overly critical non-marital( story for another day) family members we have are 3,000 mile away now... and soon there will be the pacific ocean between us... so if they are willing to pay to come see use we will just have to deal with them for a few weeks, and theres no feeling greater than droping their butts off at the airport after.:drinker:

You are perfect whole and complete... You deserve a mom that is your biggest fan however not all of us got that. Your mom, like my mom does not seem to have boundaries. It took me years to not react to her. Eventually, I would actually say " I don't know how to respond to that". It would shut her down and I would not feel as badly if I had lipped her off. Moms can be a piece of work, I adore mine, but simply do not like her sometimes. She can be rude, out of line, her opinion of me is not my business any longer. My mom has no level of self awareness and is so convinced she is right on all topics that she may have Asperger's... and really that is the only way I can love her and forgive her, and be good to her anyway. Believing that she really can't help it. I have taught her how to treat me, but she crosses the line, and I say "well, I have to go"... or I change the subject.... or I just look at her and say it... Mom, give your head a shake! Who the hell do you think you are?" She doesn't like it, but when she comes round gain, she is always a bit softer and sweeter, for a little while. You will not change her. I have to accept her to an extent because I do want her to be apart of my life, so I moved a 1000 miles away, and take her in small doses. Sometimes you do that for love, because you only get one mom, and frankly a mouthy mom is better than no mom! Good luck with the woman! Oh, by the way, calling her by her first name, rather than "mom", seems to have an affect too! Suddenly she has to see herself as just another person doing their best, just like you. You are certainly not alone with having mom like yours!

parents only say things like this because she only wants the best for you. it's a different type of best in the way its communicated. sounds like yours and a few others arent sure how to communicate properly.

Bullchips. Parents who say mean and critical things often do it for the same reason that non relatives say mean things--to make them feel better about themselves. There is a huge difference between a little blunt talk from a well-meaning parent and the type of comments the OP relayed in her post.

I can relate somewhat. My own mother has never really been critical of my weight which is shocking as I've been obese for most of my life. And she's only been overweight since her late 50s. But she IS extremely fixated on appearances and constantly makes comments that make me uncomfortable.

Whether she is rudely criticizing a local news reporter's hair, saying her neighbor should really wear longer tunic style tops to hide her belly pooch, or "congratulating" my husband on being tall and broad shouldered & saying that is probably why I married him (that happened LAST NIGHT)...it's awkward for me to be around, because I don't usually think that way.

My mom has her quirks when it comes to my looks. She doesn't mind that I am overweight and have short hair and so on...but AT LEAST (in her eyes) I dress fashionably and wear makeup...THANK GOODNESS. A few years ago I was at her house and I put on some fresh lipstick after lunch as an experiment (I always wear it but don't reapply too often) and when I walked back into the room she was smiling hugely and said "You look nice!!" and I told her, "You're much nicer to me when I have more makeup on, you know that?" She was offended and hurt. But it's totally true!

Like your mom, mine was considered quite a dish in her younger years (Kim Kardashian figure, 'nuff said) and she's always operated under the assumption that her looks are her #1 asset. Life experiences taught me that looks are not all that important for ME beyond looking presentable and feeling good about myself and so on. I am not ugly but I never had heaps of attention & praise for being pretty like she did. Because of this, I consider myself lucky. I haven't struggled with ED or panic over the initial signs of aging like she did at my age (37).

It sucks. I really think in some ways you just have to remember that her life and perspective is different from your own. But definitely DO talk to her and keep some boundaries, too!