My wife is driving me insane
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My aunt and uncle has had this situation..although in his case he has occasionally managed to lose weight, then it goes back up , back down, back up. Like your wife, he's quite child-like in his statements. His wife has caught him eating at 2am and his response is basically "but I want food!". He's just not willing to make the sacrifices.
Anyway, after a loong road he has managed to lose. He got a workout routine with his son - so that they both had to schedule it in and keep the agreement. He's bought a lot of cookbooks and learned some healthy recipes. But it was something he had to get around to do for himself, it couldn't be forced by his wife.
Your wife's problem is a bit different though, it's not like she wants to but doesn't have the willpower, she doesn't want protein or exercise or anything.
What are your dinners like? Surely you eat together? It seems you eat healthy yourself, how does she get a 70% carb diet while you don't?
I would insist on a doctor's appointment in regards to diabetes. If she gets an honest instruction from a Dr, she might take it more seriously.0 -
I cannot believe that there were only 2 (two :noway: ) people in three pages as far as I can see who tried to point your attention to the fact that she might have *emotional* issues underlying the behaviour you talk about, other than just being annoying, lazy, etc - one mentioned emotional eating and that she is probably resisting something in your approach and one mentioned that she probably craves your approval and - let me develop it further - might be afraid she doesn't have it, as she is.
Now, I don't *know* if that's true any more than some other posters know she is lazy, etc, because none of us know her. My 2 cents: if you want to help her (you do want to help her, and not just restore your own comfort, right?) the best and first thing you should do is make sure that *you* know her - know her really, really well deep down. Whatever the reason for her behaviour is, it's there. She's probably signalling it out quite often in her own way.
In my experience from myself and direct observations on many people, no one is just lazy or just careless with their health. There is always something else. Smokers smoke for a reason, junkies do drugs for a reason, binge-ers binge for a reason... there is always a reason.
So, I agree with people who said she'll only change something when she's ready for it - that readiness comes from inside, but your acceptance, approval and understanding can help things click just that little bit sooner. Educating her most definitely can't; there will be time for education and pep-talk etc. one she gets started.
Just wanted to put this clearly out there because it doesn't seem to be a possibility you're seriously considering; if you are, then I'll only be happy that my post wasn't necessary. Good luck to you both; it's not easy living with someone who has issues but, guess what - we *all* have issues. Good luck to your family dealing with yours.
Spelling :ohwell:0 -
Under these circumstances, I'd probably tell her to either do something about it or never, EVER mention it to me again and tell her she is driving me mad with her nonsense. Call it tough love if you will.
I'm probably not the person to give advice here. So, nevermind.0 -
Hubby is kind of like that for me. It's always "Ugh, I hate my gut. I need to eat healthier. Blah blah blah." Then he spends all weekend on the couch drinking beers.
As in any relationship it's important to be supportive, even if it might not be what she wants to hear. When she's in one of her moods to eat healthier, sit her down and make a list of things you're going to do and change with her. Can't get her to stop eating carbs? Offer to take over the grocery shopping, and make sure you buy good protein filled foods. Find workouts you can do together. Either she's going to feel guilty and motivated by seeing you putting in all the effort or she's just going to sit there and whine and you just need to ignore her. =/
Definitely get her to a doctor though, finding out she has diabetes could be the motivation she needs to stop whining and start doing something about it.0 -
Yeah, we all go through what your wife does. She needs to decide she wants to be healthy more than she wants potato chips. I bet she is as frustrated with herself as you are. Maybe more so.
Have you thought about doing more cooking? It might be the easiest way towards getting her to a happier and healthier place.0 -
My boyfriend says he wants to lose weight but he keeps eating more of the crap like McDonalds and not in moderation. Drinks pop way more than water...I just give up with him.
Also, she has to want to, obviously its not a big deal to her if she does or not. If she wants the crap she eats, let her buy it. You just stick to all the good, healthy choices and keep them in the house and she will maybe one day just eat some of it.0 -
I cannot believe that there were only 2 (two :noway: ) people in three pages as far as I can see who tried to point your attention to the fact that she might have *emotional* issues underlying the behaviour you talk about, other than just being annoying, lazy, etc - one mentioned emotional eating and that she is probably resisting something in your approach and one mentioned that she probably craves your approval and - let me develop it further - might be afraid she doesn't have it, as she is.
Now, I don't *know* if that's true any more than some other posters know she is lazy, etc, because none of us know her. My 2 cents: if you want to help her (you do want to help her, and not just restore your own comfort, right?) the best and first thing you should do is make sure that *you* know her - know her really, really well deep down. Whatever the reason for her behaviour is, it's there. She's probably signalling it out quite often in her own way.
In my experience from myself and direct observations on many people, no one is just lazy or just careless with their health. There is always something else. Smokers smoke for a reason, junkies do drugs for a reason, binge-ers binge for a reason... there is always a reason.
So, I agree with people who said she'll only change something when she's ready for it - that readiness comes from inside, but your acceptance, approval and understanding can help things click just that little bit sooner. Educating her most definitely can't; there will be time for education and pep-talk etc. one she gets started.
Just wanted to put this clearly out there because it doesn't seem to be a possibility you're seriously considering; if you are, then I'll only be happy that my post wasn't necessary. Good luck to you both; it's not easy living with someone who has issues but, guess what - we *all* have issues. Good luck to your family dealing with yours.
Spelling :ohwell:
This is an excellent post.0 -
What I think is your wife really wants to lose the weight and look good which is hard but giving up food is even harder. She's thinking that she has to give it all up and she doesn't! The pain of giving up the food is harder than the pleasure of looking good and being healthy.
Is she a binge eater?0 -
This sounds frustrating. I can relate with my mother, who from time to time gives speeches about how it's time to lose weight, yet she is not willing to go walking in the neighborhood (I feel because she's embarrassed). I have tried to teach the parent's healthier food options and have successfully converted them to the 50 calorie OJ and the extra lean turkey meat. So, when my mom gives her speeches, I just put her on speaker phone and balance my checkbook and tell her that's a great plan and that I'm proud of her for trying.
My husband too, drives me nuts because of his speeches and then will make poor intake choices. I just watch, listen, and decide to do my own thing. I do call him out on stuff, ask him if he's really hungry, or just bored. I hold him accountable.
As far as advice for you? Maybe compliment or encourage her or cook for her?0 -
It is fear of failure. She rather set her self up to fail and say" well, I tried but it didn't work so now what do you want me to do? It is emotional not mental. Carbs are comfort foods. So the more carbs we et the better we feel.0
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This would be really frustrating. I am really lucky that both my boyfriend and I are trying to make a change for the better and we are doing it together. We both have good and bad days on occasion but we encourage each other.
from your profile it sounds like you have made a lot of positive changes and you think she would learn by seeing you. Who does the cooking in the house? Maybe you can make a few meals, or research things that might appeal to her (mock desserts low in cals etc etc). Then she will learn that you can still have things that taste amazing.
It sounds as if she is all talk right now and not really willing to make it happen. I personally had been through that but then you just hit a point where enough is enough and you need to make a change. Tell her to join here and start counting calories too.0 -
Ignore her and carry on with your own weightloss - someone who has so many excuses is clearly not ready to commit to it. If you have to make your own meals or contribute to the cooking. Go grocery shopping so you will have the food you need. Do whatever exercise you are going to do. If you want to encourage her, offer her a taste of your healthy food when eating (maybe she will like it), help her meal plan so that the two of you have input, ask her if she wants to go for a walk once in a while maybe she will say yes. All in all just do what you want/need to for your own journey and offer her the chances to partake. Don't get into debates over it just say OK when she starts making the excuses and walk away - when she no longer has an audience for her excuses maybe she will stop.
DO NOT LET HER SABOTAGE YOUR EFFORTS!!!
This is not just about her it's about you and what you want for your life.
Good luck OP.0 -
Show by example and if you do not want to hear her tell her that too.
Here is a suggestion and many may not agree but that's ok too I just saw a post about this very thing... find out what her calories would be if she were the proper weight for height and then she can eat whatever in that amount IF she works out, walks or whatever to burn says 500 calories a day, heck even 250 is a good start... she will start losing wt. and should be happy with that. I have seen where some are able to do this at the calories they use while overweight too.0 -
I think that you should be honest with her, that is if you haven't been already. Tell her straight, and let her know that you support her in whatever choice that she is willing to make. If she wants to loose weight then great. If she wants to stay that same then its up to her. If she wants to loose weight then she needs to make certain changes to her diet. If she doesn't then she needs to accept her choice and just be quiet about it.0
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I have the same problem with my husband. I have disengaged myself from that conversation. I just say you know what you need to do. No one will change until they make up their mind to. I just do my own thing and hope he will get there at some point.0
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She is too focused on the big picture. She has diabetes concerns. Try saying no junk for a week or 5 days. Something she can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Load up with cut up fresh veggies ready for the eating. yogurt dips if needed. Fresh fruits like watermelon and strawberries. Cook some skinless boneless chicken breasts ahead of time and have them ready to eat. Maybe throw in some protein bars. If she starts to feel better that may be incentive to start making lasting changes. Then she can find some balance. If she eats poorly after her 5 days of clean eating and doesn't feel well, maybe she will incorporate healthier food choices in between treats. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. When starting out, small changes go a long way. And during that time, water water water. Invite her out for a walk and ask her to walk with you for just 5 days. Ultimately it has to be her decision and effort, but it sounds like she wants to do it, good for her to have support from you when she is ready.0
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so she wants to keep doing what she is going and expect different results???
good luck to you brother…I feel your pain …
This:)0 -
Sounds a lot like my husband. Except that he doesn't eat sweets all the time and is not diabetic! He has no choice but to eat a healthy lunch and dinner since I do all the cooking. Maybe one day he'll do something about it, but for now I will take care of myself.0
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Have you considered you are driving her insane?
The worst motivation is 'partner' motivation of this kind. She has to make her own choices and find her own motivation.
I don't see this at all. OP said his wife is the one who repeatedly says time and again she wans to lose weight, etc. He is trying to be supportive and helpful.0 -
That was my impression, as well. She keeps bringing it up, he offers help and she rejects it, then comes back whining again but still refuses to make any changes.Have you considered you are driving her insane?
The worst motivation is 'partner' motivation of this kind. She has to make her own choices and find her own motivation.
I don't see this at all. OP said his wife is the one who repeatedly says time and again she wans to lose weight, etc. He is trying to be supportive and helpful.
That would drive me insane, too.0 -
So I'm going to try to form a well rounded idea/hypothesis. As someone who has flipped back and forth wanting to lose weight and doing nothing about it, I can understand her reluctance to change. It can feel like you're heading down a dark hallway that you'll never come out of because you feel as if your entire life from that point on has to be about deprivation (of yummy foods, of eating dinner out with friends, eating birthday cake until you're ready to pop) and it can be really hard to feel like you're giving up on all of those things to weigh a little less. Also, when you start with a lot to lose, the journey can look endless when you're at the beginning of the road.
Something else important (I haven't seen this in any of the comments, but I could have missed it.) It's really the most MOST MOST important. You said that she's either diabetic or borderline diabetic. I was in a spot not very long ago where I was fighting reactive hypoglycemia (it's not diabetes, but gauging by how hard it was to kick the addiction, I can only imagine that if the condition was more developed it would be even harder). Even when I was full, my blood sugar would drop drastically throughout the day and my body would SCREAM at me that it NEEDED carbs or I was going to pass out. I needed those carbs or I started shaking, sweating, and getting faint. I spent a week of hell cleansing my body of its addiction to empty carbs and sugar and it has made such a difference in my life. Even if she ultimately decides not to lose any weight, breaking the cycle of addiction to carbs and sugars really could make a world of difference. It's very hard to muster up motivation to change your diet when every few hours your body just goes into fight or flight and demands carbs.
Is she intimidated by the thought of beginning to work out?
I don't know her, so I can't say what will or will not motivate her, but if she doesn't want to change it isn't going to happen. I agree with the people who said to present her with options for change, let her pick if she's willing to do any of them and if she isn't then next time present her with the list again and ask her what she would like to try.
Try to remember that this is hard and scary for her and that if you do want hr to follow through with her aspirations that she needs you to support her, especially when she's feeling weak and unmotivated.0 -
I can only advise you to test her commitment level next time she states she wants to lose weight by saying, "Ok let's get rid of all the foods that goes against your goals and let's go shopping to stock up on the foods that you need to be successful." That may help to get her on the right track. I know that for me it helps to NOT have easy access to all the 'bad foods'. It's just easier to make better food choices when the kitchen is stocked with 'good foods'. Good Luck to both of you!!0
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I used to be the same way until I found an exercise program I enjoy and "snacky foods" that I like that are healthy!
It also took my husband losing weight & toning up for me to realize that I needed to reevaluate myself! Lead by example & maybe she will get the hint!0 -
I think we have all been through this at some point, whether with a partner, family, friend, or even ourselves! My friend wanted to "commit to being healthy" with me but refused to do any hard work to get there. It was very frustrating but the only thing you can do is focus on YOURSELF and not let others' negativity stop you. They have to figure out the process for themselves. But I can totally understand how her complaining and lack of commitment is frustrating. Good luck! Focus on you and hopefully she will come around once she sees your amazing progress.
Edit: Also, you should remind her that she doesn't have to be "all or nothing." She doesn't have to quit sweets or carbs 100%. I've lost 35 pounds eating something sweet every single day and having pizza on occasion. Let her know that she doesn't need to eat clean or burn 1000 calories at the gym. She might be feeling overwhelmed at changing so many things at once.0 -
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She's conflicted; wants to look think and feel good but isn't making the emotional commitment/connection to having to do the work. I have many friends just like that and you can't do anything about it - they have to want it enough to do the work. And believe me, they think they want it, but they aren't "there" yet. I'd be willing to bet that most of us on this site were there once. You might want to have her read through the forums. I've seen a lot of banter about losing weight fast and diet restriction being the cause of snap-back binging and she needs to see that. It's a lifestyle change - not a "diet" that she's really in need of.
Best of luck to both of you as you struggle through this.0 -
Just keep doing your thing brother. She'll either come along for the ride at some point, or not, but the only person you can control is you.0
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OP, I know it's a tad different since it wasn't a romantic relationship but I saw this sort of situation from a third party perspective.
I lived with an engaged couple for a few years.
The man was very fit and active, watched his diet, and took good care of himself.
The girl made terrible food choices, spent tons of money on crazy fad diets then never did them longer than two days, talked about getting fit, refused to exercise, refused to listen to her doctor, and complained that she was heading towards obesity while drinking whole milk lattes and eating a tub of ben & jerry's every other day.
Worst of all she was a nurse so she had a "I know more about nutrition than you do" attitude.
He often came to me to complain about her lack of commitment to her own health. My advice to him is the same I will give to you: if you truly love her, you will continue to support her no matter what and no matter how infuriating this situation is.
And there isn't anything wrong with the occasional (not every day, more like once a month) reminder that she is welcome to join you in an exercise or meal making decision.
Remember, it's very likely she feels enough guilt about the situation as it is so it's not a good idea to make things more negative for her. In fact, some personality types sense negativity from their partners and begin to internalize it themselves...making their own problems even harder to overcome. Her constant "I'll get better tomorrow!" attitude could likely be a reflection of her guilt of making you deal with her yo-yo diets, and when she becomes overwhelmed instead of pestering you more she gives up and goes back to what she knows. Support is truly the best, however annoying and difficult, way to get through to someone.
If it were me married to someone like that: I'd stress that I would want them to live a long and healthy life, and their current lifestyle would end up making me a widow! It's definitely not easy seeing a loved one abuse their body and endanger their health, so don't feel bad telling her how you really feel about this. But do so /gently/.
Also, it should be brought up that she may have some sort of issue that therapy could work out. I know multiple people that therapy and nutritionists helped them segue into a healthy lifestyle, and I firmly believe that's what it really takes for some people. Now, don't go suggesting she see a therapist!!! (or else you'll be sleeping on the couch)
Best of luck OP!0 -
OP - I would just go with keep doing what you are doing and maybe as you have success she will come around to your way of thinking. When she says all these random things about wanting to lose ten pounds but keep the same habits, just smile and say "ok" and do not even bother to comment. Perhaps, your success will make her realize that your way is the right way to do things...0
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Well you know how the saying goes...
Best advice I could provide is beyond leading by example is if you have the inclination prepare her meals/snacks so you can introduce better eating habits and maybe (hopefully) she will see and feel results that will start motivating her, so eventually this will occur...
Best of luck OP but I have been in a similar position with family members and their want to change has to outweigh their desire to stay within their current comfort zone.
^^^^This^^^^ She hasn't made up her mind that she wants to change, that's why she's vacillating. The WORST THING you can do is push her (read: give her a gym membership or form-fitting red dress for your anniversary, her birthday, etc.) The BEST THING you can do is listen, agree with whatever she's saying at the time and lead by example, at least until or if she makes up her mind to change. I know how hard it is to stay on the "righteous" path because I tried to diet with a husband that would bring home gallons of rocky road ice cream (now ex-husband, btw. I know a good divorce lawyer too if you need one! :laugh: .)0
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