Huge Emotional Setback

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Replies

  • wonderwoman234
    wonderwoman234 Posts: 551 Member
    I highly recommend the website survivinginfidelity.com. It is a great support community for you.

    You should know that when a spouse cheats it is usually about how they feel about themselves and often has little to do with the betrayed spouse.

    People say really awful things when they get caught doing ****ty things. He is creating excuses so that he doesn't have to own his own *kitten*. It's in the cheater's playbook. Don't fall for it.

    You are lovable and worthwhile, regardless if you are 240 lbs. or 140 lbs. Your husband had a responsibility to work out his issues while keeping his d!ck in his pants. You bear no responsibility for his ****ty coping skills, darlin'.

    Get a compassionate counselor, preferably someone with a PdD in psychology (fewer quacks and higher quality generally speaking) who can help you figure out what YOU want.

    In the meantime, feel free to add me to your friends list and message me any time.

    Hugs to you. Things will get better.....trust me, I know.....
  • karenleona
    karenleona Posts: 3,959 Member
    Been there, done that. Know that it takes a looooong time to recover. Treat yourself well with a healthy diet and lots of exercise instead of eating junk. You will be better off in the long run. Counselling for YOU is important. It will get better. The hurt never leaves but you will be able to put it away at times.
  • LianaG1115
    LianaG1115 Posts: 453 Member
    My marriage is ending. I found out my spouse wasn't faithful and to stick the knife in a little further, he doesn't 'like me as a persons' so he felt driven to look outside the relationship. I just feel like retreating to my bedroom with a million bags of cookies :( I need to find the motivation to take my life back and regain some self esteem!

    and THAT should be your motivation to do this and succeed!! My ex boyfriend told me that i would never be able to get any of the weight off and that no one would love me like he did even if I was fat!! I dumped him, worked on myself, and here I am 57lbs and counting with a beautiful fiance by my side who has been very supportive of my endeavors!! Can't wait to run into his sorry lonely *kitten* someday just to stick it to him!! Anyways...girl this is your fuel, put those damn cookies down, mend your heart, surround yourself by beautiful people, family and friends, and use this as your tool to say, I am NOT gonna let some *kitten* bring me down!! Because if you do, they have won!! I have been there, I have lived it...and PS the cookies and crackers gave me gallstones!!
  • lwestmill
    lwestmill Posts: 91 Member
    Whether or not you still want to try with your husband, start looking or a good divorce attorney...just in case. Doesn't hurt to be prepared.

    Yes. Like she said! Have a good cry. Then pick yourself up, call a theropist and a good lawyer. A lawyer will see you for free for the first consult, usually. He will help you know your opitons. Do you have a friend that will help you focus? Im sure that you head is realing! You poor girl!
  • smallstuff76
    smallstuff76 Posts: 18 Member
    I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how you are feeling! 8 years ago this past October my Husband (now EX) tells me he wants a divorce. My world was turned upside down. We had 5 kids and our youngest was 6 months old. I begged, I pleaded. Promised I'd change, be who he wanted me to be. Do whatever he needed/wanted. Sad part is I would have...... But instead he packed up and left that December. I was a mess. Who would ever love me? What did I do wrong? Had this vision of a broken family and I didn't want that.

    But you know what????? It was all a blessing in disguise! It was a struggle.. But I learned a lot. Biggest part is learning that I deserved better!

    Fast forward 8+ years I am remarried to a wonderful man, have added 3 more children to my bunch. I now know what unconditional love feels like. He loves me at my worst and my very best. You deserve that too my dear. I don't have to change to fit a mold I just have to be me.

    Now on the other hand My Ex is miserable. He left me for his old highschool sweetheart that found him on Classmates.com and she left him within a year. He hates that I was able to pick myself up and move on.

    You are worth so much more and I know it is hard to see through all the darkness but I promise it does get easier. There is light at the end of all this. Ever want to talk or vent or cry send me a message.
  • nancybuss
    nancybuss Posts: 1,461 Member
    I'm so sorry honey
    <<HUGS>>

    That is extremely difficult to go through. Although I found it was one time in my life I could barely eat.

    He doesn't like Himself... and reflected that on you. Don't let his words be you, YOU Know You.

    I recommend a workout program with kicking and punching!!!!! It can Really help relieve stress and you can so picture his face when you're punching. :) Its better than cookies Trust me.
  • LianaG1115
    LianaG1115 Posts: 453 Member
    Oh hey, finished reading other posts and noted that you have kids....definitely don't fall into the "stay together for the kids" bs trap that some people may shove on you. I have 4, they were 3, 2, 1, and 1 (actually I guess it was almost birthday time, so it was close to 4, 3, 2, and 2) at the time we split. They are 20, 19, 18, and 18 now. All 4 college-bound (or already in college), all 4 reasonably well-adjusted and awesome --- in large part because I was a happier person post-divorce and not a miserable mess trying to stick it out. So staying together for the kids is a stupid concept.

    I treated the divorce like no big deal, just a new place to go see daddy at, and it was mostly fine. My ex is a bit of a nightmare and didn't work well with me on that, so of course, there were times of confusion or hurt feelings or just general upset for the kids. But, I looked at it this way -- they could either have a mother that was happy and divorced from their dad or miserable and still married. I figured happier = better mom = better raised kids.

    I was right. :)

    Sure, it's tough to do it, especially if the kids are older. I got lucky mine were so young, really, because I could just treat it as fun "Hey, look, here's where daddy lives now, cool huh!" My rule was never to badmouth their father (or stepmother or extended family, etc) in front of them or anywhere they may possibly be able to overhear or just tell from body language.

    This is probably way beyond what you're ready to absorb now. So just come back to it later if it's relevant to you. LOL. Just don't fret about the kids -- if you handle it well in front of them, they'll be just fine :)

    Thank you!! I love this post!! I left mine when my babies were 6,5,3,and 2!! I couldn't do the let's stay together for the babies and fought long and hard to get where I am today! I look at their father now who "knocked" up another woman and married her because it was the right thing to do and he is miserable....so sorry for him, he should've given me the respect that us mothers deserve...such is life, I am in a better place and it sounds like you are too!!!
  • tomomatic
    tomomatic Posts: 1,794 Member
    My mom is going through a break up right now with her cheating boy friend. It's sad because his kids and her (grownup) kids had just gotten to a point where we were referring to each other as siblings. He really screwed things up. Quite frankly, if I ever see him again, I might break him in half. He made my mom cry and that's not acceptable.

    That being said, you must be going through a lot. Don't let him get away with assigning blame to you. A real man would've sought other avenues or tried. You were blindsided so I don't think he ever made any such gestures. You have some young ones that are looking to you to stay strong. If they were strong enough, I'm sure they'd kick their dad in the 'nads for you.

    Forget the cookies. Hit a heavy bag. Get angry. (per my previous post, take all his stuff!) And if you feel like you need it, get some therapy. You can only handle so much on your own and I imagine that there's a lot to process right now. Surround yourself with friends. Thoughts and prayers to you.
  • 19TaraLynn84
    19TaraLynn84 Posts: 739 Member
    Stop right there! Put down the cookies!! The after-binge guilt will make you feel even worse. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wish I was there to go and get you out of the house and treat you to a spa day or something. Surround yourself with friends. Don't try to go through this alone. I can't offer you much since I don't know how you feel, but **hugs**.
  • Archerychickge
    Archerychickge Posts: 606 Member
    My 4 Divorce survival tips... because I've been there, done that...

    1. Don't beat yourself up trying to figure out what he didn't like about you. That's his problem not yours.
    2. Don't give up on healthy eating habits. They will make YOU feel better about yourself. It's worth it, but it won't happen overnight. Be patient with your body as it adjusts to it's new habits. Once you get started it snowballs.
    3. Reward yourself. You are a survivor in the making. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect, but you have to value and respect yourself first. Start small. Put little affirmations up around the house, like on the bathroom mirror post a note that says "I am beautiful". Then do something to help yourself believe it, even it's just as small as putting on some lipgloss.
    4. And this is probly the most important. Learn to identify as an idividual rather than just as part of a couple. Take up a new hobby, even if it's just walking, but do something that gives you something to focus on and will give you a chance to meet new people. It will help you figure out what's important to you as well.

    Do those 4 things and you'll be surprised at how fast you bounce back and strat feeling like you can breathe again.

    You can do it!
  • NRSPAM
    NRSPAM Posts: 961 Member
    Let's be clear, you did not 'drive' him to this other woman. Grown-up, decent, human beings talk about their problems and try to solve them. If they feel it's unsalvageable then they gently and honestly say so and find the best way for both parties to exit the relationship. They do not simply go looking elsewhere and then blame the wronged party. Chin up hon, you deserve better.

    ^^^Definately this!!! ;)
  • hoyalawya2003
    hoyalawya2003 Posts: 631 Member
    My marriage is ending. I found out my spouse wasn't faithful and to stick the knife in a little further, he doesn't 'like me as a persons' so he felt driven to look outside the relationship. I just feel like retreating to my bedroom with a million bags of cookies :( I need to find the motivation to take my life back and regain some self esteem!

    Do not, do not, do not listed to his comments that "he doesn't like you as a person." He is trying to justify his horrible behavior. As a pp said, it is about him and the bad choices he has made, not you. Do not let this affect your self esteem. I have BTDT too, and I let it eat at me. You need to concentrate on you, and what makes you feel good. No, not the bag of cookies. Pick a short term goal (preferably exercise) and meet it. Concentrate on one step at a time. Don't beat yourself up on the days that you don't meet that goal.

    (((hugs)))
  • JewelsinBigD
    JewelsinBigD Posts: 661 Member
    The fact that the marriage is ending is the PERFECT reason to take better care of yourself! Use this and let it empower you! And get a good attorney.
  • toadg53
    toadg53 Posts: 302 Member
    I totally agree with craftywitch 100%. I was in your shoes 40 years ago. My ex told me he didn't love me and wanted a divorce when I was 1 week away from giving birth to our child. Totally out of left field. I know what a shocker it is. My heart hurts so bad for you. But, remember that HE is the one that stepped out. He is the one that is the jerk. He's the one that's the liar and the cheat and the one that cannot be trusted. Therefore, his opinion of you doesn't count. I agree that you should seek counseling ... for YOU. This is all so new to you, I am sure your head is reeling. But retreating into a bag of cookies, or a half gallon of ice cream, or whatever your choice is, is NOT the answer. All it will do is reinforce what he has said about you in YOUR mind. And it's not true. Take it one day at a time, hold your head up, and yes, definitely talk to a good divorce attorney. Just to know what your rights are. You don't have to make any decisions yet, and you're better off, really not to. Good luck. Remember, you have a LOT of friends here. Use US, instead of those cookies ....xoxo
  • Praying_Mantis
    Praying_Mantis Posts: 239 Member
    My mom is going through a break up right now with her cheating boy friend. It's sad because his kids and her (grownup) kids had just gotten to a point where we were referring to each other as siblings. He really screwed things up. Quite frankly, if I ever see him again, I might break him in half. He made my mom cry and that's not acceptable.

    That being said, you must be going through a lot. Don't let him get away with assigning blame to you. A real man would've sought other avenues or tried. You were blindsided so I don't think he ever made any such gestures. You have some young ones that are looking to you to stay strong. If they were strong enough, I'm sure they'd kick their dad in the 'nads for you.

    +1. Especially this: Don't let him get away with assigning blame to you.

    (Awww, Tomomatic. Can I adopt you?)

    ETA emphasis
  • TFaustino67
    TFaustino67 Posts: 551 Member
    This ~>
    Taking care of yourself is the best revenge there is to someone who has hurt you. Make a happy life for yourself, forgive and move on.

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