Can't stop bingeing and hate myself :(
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I can SO relate to your desire to stop and lack of ability to do it. Sometimes, the siren song of food is incredibly strong and you can be eating and telling yourself all the right things, but nothing stops it. I started going to OA (overeaters anonymous) last year and it made all the difference in my life. Something causes you to "use" food. It's different for each person, but coming together with others who struggle and sharing those difficulties is a form of healing. The steps guide us to deeper understandings about ourselves and our place in this wonderful world. Gradually, I've been able to lose weight (steady, not fast by any means). But more important to me now is the sense of serenity about living that has come from following the steps each day. You could try it out and see if it works for you. If it does, your life will change in a positive way. Whatever you do, be sure to get help because there's no one else like you and no one deserves hate. Loving your human imperfect self is what will get you to a better place and it will translate to your relationship with food. Wishing you the best! You're worth it.0
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find a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy or one who can help with your relationship with food... they may be able to help you change the way you use food as a crutch. sound's like you were just talking to your prescriber about your problems instead of a therapist.0
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Wow thanks to you all so so much for your replies - I feel overwhelmed by the time you have all taken and so many kind words. I've only just had the chance to read through all the replies and thanks to all,of you who have invited me to be friends.
I thought I would just explain a bit more about my situation as it does make a huge difference to how my life has changed and, whilst I know I am still making excuses, some of them are genuine I promise!!
Firstly I have been on anti-depressants for years and I've had various bouts of counselling of differing types including CBT and unfortunately for me I just seem to come full circle so many times and nothing really changes. My GP (a different one from the surgery) did say I'd I've had counselling several times it would be pointless to go again.
Ok so I know exercise is key - I used to be a gym junkie. I now do not work due to the birth of my daughter and neither do I want to but this does mean that money is tight and I feel I cannot justify paying for gym memberships,etc. I do try to go for an hour's walk once a week with two of my friends who also want to lose weight. I would love to walk more but I live in a remote area and would never see anyone if I didn't go out with my daughter to baby group or to see my friends. I do think I am lonely and, whilst I love my daughter dearly, I do miss adult company.
I SHOULD go out more with the buggy I know. I cannot go out once my son comes home from school or at the weekends if my hubby is working as my son does not like being outside and hates any exercise as he has Asperger's Syndrome and has very poor gross motor skills. My son also has issues with food and drink and, unfortunately and despite my best efforts to wean/raise him on good wholesome healthy food, he will eat mainly processed food but does like my cakes - since not working I have enjoyed baking.
I do think my son's condition does play a part in my binge attacks as he is often very rude to me, is very testing in his behaviour which can include being physically violent towards me.
I cannot exercise other than walking as I have a bad back (and hip at the mo) and I hate swimming and fall off a bike. Also I' e and to have surgery for women's things and I've still got problems which has had an impact on my self-esteem and also exercise issues
. OMG I really am useless aren't I? I cannot exercise at home unless the baby is in bed and then I try to catch up with housework etc. Even typing this Imfealise I am the queen of excuses.
I know a lot of you have said about my calorie level. That is set by MFP for my height, weight and with the intention of losing a pound a week as I wanted to do things slowly. I think the fact that I have lost 3 - 4 pounds some weeks just shows how much I eat on a "typical" day for me.
I did buy a book about binge eating but it was totally uninspiring so I'll look at the book so e of you have recommended. I did have a look at a group for binge eaters but there are none in my area. I have also read quite a lot online. The thing is I am not stupid - I
just can't seem to get my brain to practice what I know I should do.
Tomorrow is weigh day and I'm sure I will have put on again but I'll try to use it as a fresh start and try to stick to it.
Thanks again to you all x0 -
It might not be a matter of laziness.
If you clearly have depression, it is very difficult to stick to good habits, or any habits that take effort for that matter.
I too suffer from depression. So just getting up in the morning can be challenging, on top of that it's often accompanied by really negative thinking. "I'm so fat," "I'm never going to lose the weight," "Nothing is ever going to get done," "I'm a failure." It goes on and on.
However, if you're on antidepressants, at the very least you have a chance. Another possibility might be that you aren't on the correct dose or even meds. It takes a long time to figure out just the right combination. Also, when you said that your son's behavior is contributing to your binging, you pretty much hit the nail on the head. Often times, stress and a negative atmosphere makes us binge. I have the same problem. I stress eat.
Sometimes you just have to say to yourself "I don't really want to eat this much, it's the stress causing the hunger. I am better than this." Or something like that, just something that helps you remind yourself that this binge-eater isn't you, it's the stress, depression or even possibly a food addiction (not a laughing matter.) It's really hard and takes a lot of nerve, but this is how your body responds and like any addict, staying away will be a challenge.
Though my situation isn't exactly the same as yours, I too have to deal with a difficult person sometimes daily. It's not as bad as what you have to go through, but has its own difficulties. So I share some of your pain.
The other thing to keep in mind is KEEP BUSY. It's important. Clean, work-out, play games, read, write, draw...doesn't matter. Any activity that keeps the cravings away. Make no mistake, when you've lived like this for so long, the craving for food is incredibly strong. It's like all those zombie movies where they just can't stop themselves. But strive towards something. If you enjoy cooking, figure out ways to cook delicious meals that are both nutritious and relatively low in calories/carbs/etc. It's probably stuff you've heard before, though.
I've heard people tell me "just eat less" or "just work out more" which is great if you're a regular person who's always been at normal weight and doesn't have depression. But if you're me, who's been overweight almost his whole life, it's just not as simple and it takes a hell of a lot of work. I have problems with diet, and not as much with exercise I usually work out 3-4 times a week. But being overweight makes it hard to work out, did ya know that? It does. my goal is to hit the gym 6 days a week, only done that once. So it's a vicious circle that can only end in two ways; you either lose the weight and live healthy, or die from obesity-related complications.
We're here for ya, and most of us here have a good idea what you're going through. Stay strong, stay positive and watch your stress levels. I'm not gonna lie, your situation will make it incredibly hard, but you CAN do this. Losing the weight is the hardest part. Once you drop it, you just have to monitor and maintain (keep a scale and weight yourself every week.)
Hope this was helpful. Be cool!0 -
I might get flamed by some for this ... I didn't read everyone else's advice.
Don't worry about how much you are eating right now. But LOG it. Weigh it and log it. If you ate 5000 calories, that's okay, because you logged it and MADE yourself accountable. Once you log it for a little bit, see what times of day you eat the most/what you eat at that time, and really look at WHY you're eating then? Do you feel sad then? Why? Do you feel stressed? Why?
Losing weight is as simple as calories in vs calories out, from a physical perspective. But it is anything but easy from a mental perspective. You have to look inside of yourself and find out why you're eating what at the times that you do.
You sound like you are coming from a place of depression (please don't take offense to that, I suffer from depression myself and you sound a lot like me at times) and the world can seem like a crushing place. You have a job, a family, responsibilities, and probably little time for yourself. Sit down with your husband and figure out a time each day that is dedicated to YOU. Maybe he takes the kids to the park at that time, or entertains them with a book or game or something. It's a time where you can go for a walk, clear your head, write down your feelings. Anything that is centered around doing something for YOURSELF.
Once you are logging your food and having your "you" time... begin to cut back slowly. Take out that extra couple cookies, take out the extra helping of dinner. If you feel like you need to eat something, snack on veggies. Use your you time to do some sort of physical activity, or half activity/half relaxation.
Get your family involved. Swap out the kids sugary granola bars for apple slices, take the family for a walk every night, go shopping just to walk around the mall and window shop (depending on how young your kids are this might not be a very relaxing or fun activity lol)
Losing weight and stopping the binge is a process where you have to be dedicated to finding yourself. It's not easy. But it can be done! And this is the absolute best place to be reminded of that and to find support from the thousands of members who are willing to help
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When I started trying to get fitter, healthier, etc...I had to fix everything about myself.
I got rid of stresses and stressful people (the unnecessary ones).
I dealt with issues in my home and my relationships.
I changed my habits and patterns.
It's not all about the food. Of course you know that.
Just keep making progress!0 -
:< All you have to do is go "Well binge-ing was in the past and tomorrow I WILL start anew!" - the moving forward attitude.
That's what I do when I binge-eat.
You could write up little notes and say what you have to stick to and eat up to And log on here regularly to check up to calories count! 0 -
I know this will be unpopular, but I stopped eating for a few days to show myself that food didn't control me. It was very hard for the first 2 days...then I did it for a couple more. Now I'm fasting every other day and eating what I want every other day. For some reason, after fasting for several days..my appetite has went down drastically. I no longer feel the impulse to eat everything in sight.
I have tried working with doctors and dietitians...and all of that is great if it works for you. It didn't help me. I still struggled every day with minimal results..and eventually couldn't sustain it. I did tell my doctor what I'm doing and he suggested that I take a multivitamin and make sure I'm getting potassium and other nutrients on the days that I eat.
I know that a lot of people worry about your metabolism crashing and they think you should eat 1200+ calories a day to live...and it's simply not true. Research shows that metabolism decreasing on a calorie restricted diet is minimal and shouldn't affect your weight loss. Also keep in mind that people who have bariatric surgery only eat 300 calories a day for the first several months.0 -
Didn't read the other posts. But, whenever i feel i can't do anything right or doomed to be unsuccessful in whatever. I watch this video:
http://www.wimp.com/rulessuccess/
And keep working at it.0 -
take it one step at a time. take one binge group out at a time and replace it with veggies or fruit.
then two
then three
then four
eventually you'll just binge on fruits and veggies0 -
So much good advice already...
Log first. Taking the time to look it up and enter it means you are fully conscious of what you are doing *before* you do it.
Rather than depriving yourself, just figure out how many calories of your favorites you CAN have. Sometimes 1/2 a cookie can be satisfying if it is delicious (and you only have 100 calories left).
You said you are walking weekly - make that daily. Call a friend or family on the phone while you walk with the baby in the carriage if there is no one to go with you in person.
I might have missed how old the baby is: BFing? 500 calories a day is a huge help.
Have you considered joining a support group for autism spectrum disorders? Don't underestimate how many stressors you are under right now. Talking to others who understand can do wonders.
Hang in there!0 -
Morning all A heartfelt thanks to all of you for your kind replies. I am so grateful and you all helped me to start afresh yesterday and I stayed on track. I will try to reply to all my new "friends" individually when I get more than 5 minutes. At the mo my little girl is moxaning and throwing her breakfast on the floor! At least that means I shall not be eating eat LOL!! 0
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Hating yourself and binging are two separate problems. They interact, but you have to love yourself and respect your body in order to stop both. Your mindset about food just has to change, and you need to have the right reasons for losing weight. Distraction is the key to ending binges, but if you tie your body weight to your self worth (one of the worst lies society tells), then you will have much more trouble.
Edit: Also, I looked at your diary and your calories are too low. In my opinion no one should be eating 1200. Unless you're really short or literally absolutely sedentary (as a mother you can't literally not get out of bed.) That would definitely lead to binging. Up your calories by adding more veggies.0 -
Hi again everyone!! Pleased to say I'm doing ok. Feel like I've stayed on track for 3 days now but gone over my calorie allowance a bit for the last two. However seeing as quite a few of you suggested this is too low anyway I'm not bothered too much.
However, my stomach seems quite a bit larger which is quite upsetting as this is the bit I most want to shrink. I know Rome wasn't built on a day but I can't understand why unless it's bloating and I'm not drinking enough water. I do have troubles with not being able to go to the loo and have done as a child which I'm sure doesn't help I have lost weight since Wednesday when I started over as weighed this morning even though I know jumping on/off the scales more than once a week isn't good.
Just wondered if this had happened to anyone else? I did wonder if it's because I'm perhaps losing it for elsewhere at the mo and as my stomach has he most fat it will be the last place it goes? Also I'm so tired - could it be due to the lower intake of sugar??0 -
I don't have much to offer but I do have this. Please try not to beat yourself up about your son's food issues. they come as part of the condition a lot of the time. yes people will judge you, yes you want him to eat 'good food' I have a child who is on the spectrum and I have worked in the field for 15 years. I have met children who live on nutritional shakes that are prescribed by doctors, children who live on cookies and one child who lived on chicken tikka masala for 2 months. He's eating and that is a win! Is there support you could access? there are some great (and some terrible) supports out there.
I would say work on hating yourself first, maybe put your calories at maintenance first before going for loss.
and lastly (because I wasn't sure if I could bring myself to write it) I have found that to make myself like me more I had to stand in front of a mirror and say nice things about myself. I had to start by asking friends to write things down on post-it notes which I put on and around the mirror and read them out. I didn't believe any of them but I made myself say them. eventually I could think of my own affirmations and slowly started to believe them. You feel so very silly doing it but for all the negative things I have had said to me and thought about myself I had to redress the balance.
good luck xxx :flowerforyou:0 -
I swapped mindless eating with chewing gum or sucking on a piece of hard candy, its not so much that im hungry but that my mouth just wants to do something and tv time at night is the worst, but now i just put a piece of gum in while watching my fave shows, this is how i quit smoking too. Also, set small attainable goals like "i just want to lose 2lbs this week" and focus on that. Remember, you have to lose 1lb at a time and eventually you'll reach 10,20, 30lbs gone. Drink nothing but water to help you pass your food through your body. I've only lost 5lbs but for every 2lbs I lose, I allow myself a small treat like a serving of icecream or a glass of sweet tea and thats enough to keep me motivated to lose 2 more lbs. That way you can still have the foods and drinks you like but in moderation. I've already told my husband and kids that once I get the next 2lbs off, we're ordering pizza hahaha0
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My heart breaks for you because I know what you are talking about.... Even when it comes to "professional" help. I really suggest you find an eating disorder clinic. Here they have the Emily Program... Start by googling that and see what you find for your area. I say this because they deal with root causes so they can help with depression and the eating. Let me know if you have other questions.0
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Do you have any access to a mental health professional? Psychologist? Therapist? You may have some underling issue that could be helped with a proper diagnosis and treatment. Which may or may not include drugs.
Some thing that has helped me greatly has been exercising in a group. Try joining a class of some form. Yoga, dancing, zumba, etc. This will help you keep active and meet people on a similar health/fitness journey. The support from others with similar goals will make a huge difference! This site is a version of this type of support. I am part of a running club. I have seen people walk in very shy, reserved and unsure of their potential. In 8 weeks they are running 5k straight. Many go on to climb the distance ladder and end up running half and full marathons. The work and effort is individual! But the group support and friendships make it all possible.
I hope you find a way to deal with the ups and downs of getting and staying healthy.0 -
I know for me I'm finding if I don't beat myself up for having that cookie or going to dinner with myfriends I'm finding I binge much less. Its easier to binge it when we're feeling disappointed in ourselves because we already broke our diet. Think of it as a lifestyle change not a diet and you can't always avoid the foods you love you just need to incorporate them in a healthy way. That way you don't feel like you're depriving yourself. And try to find a few healthier options that satisfy your cravings and will make you feel like you're getting in actual food. I've been using fajitas with smaller whole wheat wraps b/c I love mexican. Lots of veggies and light sour cream or greek yogurt and you can have it and not feel guilty. Or for me scrambled eggs and I fry up tons of veggies to put inside and I have grown to love it. It's actually like a satisfying meal, even without all the carbs in bread. And when you cook vegetables the flavor they give food makes it so you don't need all the sauces and creams to make things taste good! But never feel like you're starving or depriving yourself and the desire to binge will fade (not completely our minds are already wired that way from years of poor eating) Hope I'm of some help and maybe you can use some of my tips!0
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I also find that my problem area is the last to lose it! I lose it quicker in my natural waist and my back before I lose any in my stomach. the 14lbs I've lost so far 3 inches came from my waist and only 1 from my hips/ stomach as I call it! And It's better to look at the week because I could be up a pound on weds and by saturday I'm down that pound I was up and another one. But if you go a week or two without loss you def need to look at what you're taking in. Eating is 80% so if your activity is restricted it shouldn't hurt you too much. And maybe set yourself a goal to get that baby into town and walk 3 times a week in the morning, like okay I can be up and ready for 1030 so ten thirty mon weds and friday you're walking. Small achievable goals! wtg keeping with it. 3 days is an accomplishment and don't forget to pat yourself on the back for a job well done!0
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Losing weight is hard. It's hard to get and stay motivated - sometimes even though we want to lose weight we might not be sufficiently motivated. I've been trying to get back on track for over 6 months now, and I only managed to these last two weeks. It's not a momentary decision, and it takes huge emotional and mental investment. It's not as simple as weight loss stories and ads make it seem.
IMO, if you don't feel up to it, don't push it. And most importantly DO NOT beat yourself up for it if you can help it. That's counterproductive. You'll get motivated when you do, and then it'll be a breeze. Keep logging, it will happen eventually.0 -
Was doing so well (for me) but over ate yesterday by a lot. Didn't binge as such just ate more fatty foods than I should. However I did log it all as suggested by some people on here. Instead of beating myself up I decided to get out with my daughter in her buggy to burn some calories which I hope not to use up in food today and I shall try to log as I eat today rather than leave it all til later to try to ensure I stay on track 0
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Good for you! Now you got it. Exercise a little more, and going with your daughter was good for her too. I'll bet that you felt better after the outing. Best of luck to you.0
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I struggle with this too. I will say I think having a doctor who truly cares and can help makes a huge difference.
I found a different doctor when I felt like my old one didn't take my concerns seriously, and what a difference!
My one really took the time to listen to my concerns and offer helpful solutions.
I still do have times when I binge (I had almost a half gallon of ice cream this week) BUT (and that is a big BUT) I have learned I can't let 1 thing derail me, I keep plugging on. I know someday I will get there!
Good luck0 -
I think yesterday's eating has caught up with me as I physically and mentally can't eat anything else today despite struggling to make the 900 cals mark. This has never happened before!!!! I am not sure if the fresh air helped and the fact that I've been busying myself more today. I did go over considerably yesterday. Whilst I have tried to eat more to bump up my calories I think I'm going to just have to leave it well short today and hope this is just my body balancing itself out. What do others think? It's certainly what I would be advising others to do on a regular basis.0
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I suffer from depression and am on antidepressants for it and sometimes I just want to eat everything in the house and hide in my bed as I cant be bothered to do anything! I have found monitoring my moods for a week very helpful as I have found that mornings are the worst time for me motivation and mood wise so I do not force myself to exercise however by 7pm my mood is better and I feel able to do something so I exercise in the evenings and because I have worked hard I tend not to overeat as it would ruin all my good work. If I don't exercise I feel really guilty over my love of food especially bread
Depression is a nasty illness and it makes you feel like you are in a dark tunnel with no way out but you will get through this it wont be easy or pretty but you will get there0 -
Hi all and thanks sc9576 for your reply. Sounds like you suffer too
Well I have to say thanks to everyone on here I am doing ok. I was busy yesterday and also washed my car (something I haven't done in a long time) . I was under my calorie allowance and wanted chocolate and thought I had ordered mango with my latest shop and was disappointed that I hadn't. However instead of eating the chocolate I had an apple and a banana and went up to bed early. I am defo feeling better. Need to get rid of my chins though (well and stomach, thighs......... the list goes on..... LOL!!)0 -
Feeling so cross with myself and self-loathing kicking big time. I have now binged BIG time two days in a row - why?? I was doing so well and lost another 2lb this week and saw a friend today who remarked that I had "lost loads of weight" (13lb). I think the time of the month is looming - not sure exactly as stupid me forgot to write down the date last month Also, while I have lost the weight and am trying to up my activity level by walking, my tummy is saggy and has unsightly hollows in places . My friends say it's still early days as my little girl is only 14 months but I think they are just being kind. Feel like my past failures are coming back to haunt me and drag me back down into the spiral of doom. I am so ashamed and am struggling to stay away from the cupboards now. Might take to my bed in a minute in the hope that I will be overcome by sleep rather than the need to stuff to stuff my face. I feel yucky (bit of a tummy ache and my hip hurts like hell although both my physio and three different osteopaths can't find anything wrong with it . Still that feeling to eat is gnawing away at me. I am so hopeless but don't want to be doomed to failure and a life of being fat.
I know if I was replying to this thread I would congratulate myself on my journey so far, tell myself to draw a line and start again tomorrow - I could have 5 really good days until my next weigh in, etc, etc, but even telling myself that isn't working tonight Got to give myself a swift kick up the proverbial - please feel free to do the same!! 0 -
Hoping Willpower comes back today - put 2lb loss back on in 2 days - not good. Hoping the move in the scales will be all the kick I need!!0
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We all have down days, just don't be so hard on yourself. Make sure you are eating enough. And Vegetable and fruit have little calories so you can eat alot of them. I think everyone should eat 5-6 meals 300-400 calories or more if you are burning a alot. So don't starve yourself. I know alot of times that makes me start to bringe. If you eat more veggies and fruits you wont be as hungry for the junk. And If you go two weeks and the scales move down then you're going in the right direction. I've lost 20 pounds in 9 weeks and I've had many days where I'm up here and there and I just keep saying don't get discouraged. Especially being a woman with hormones and a person with cravings. And if we're going to live a healthy life we have to have some candy here or there. Or fast food or pizza on a hectic night or dinners out. But we just make better choices when we can 80% and we' know we'll be healthier then we were otherwise. Also as far as skin, I've been reading and it says it takes up to 2 years for your skin to shrink back as much as it will hydration is very important! And if drinking water is hard in the beginning build up gradually. My coach says you should drink half your weight in water. eg if you weigh 180lbs half of that is 90. Then you should drink 90 oz of water. I try to drink that much, some days I fall short though.
Just try to find some good healthy recipes with lots of veggies you like or you can add to it and make them a couple times a week. I find when I have some yummy good dinners I"m less apt to binge. Anyway I hope I can give you a little motivation.. But remember you can do this!!0
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