How to deal with unrealistic/controlling mom?!

Have an honest adult to adult conversation with her. Calmly tell her how her comments make you feel. She probably sees herself as being supportive and encouraging and doesn't realize that she's not coming across the way she is. Sounds like she really loves you and cares about you. Work it out.

First you are an adult and you can say Mom, my diet is working great for me thank you for your concern, now let me tell you about all the other things going on in my life. There's got to be more going on that your Mom would probably love to hear about that doesn't involve your diet.

But you are an adult and if you don't want to discuss your diet with your mom than say it.

At some point becoming an adult involves drawing some boundary lines with parents. Don't answer any questions about the subject. It's okay to say "I don't want to discuss this with you" and change the subject. With my mom it had to happen about medical stuff. I think I was around your age too.

I agree. Read some on setting boundaries. You'll find it helpful in lots of areas of your life. As a mom and someone twice your age, my opinion is that she's going overboard. She may not realize it though. Or maybe she's completely aware. Be gentle but firm with her.

I am glad you recognize that your mother has an eating disorder and that the way she is treating you is NOT NORMAL. ...

I identify with this response 100%.

OP, you're getting a great variety of possible perspectives on this issue, and I hope you know you're not at all alone in this experience. In terms of talking with your Mom right now, it's totally okay for you to tell her, calmly and respectfully, that her concerns are unwarranted and you'd rather not discuss the food/exercise aspects of your health as you feel it's become an unhealthy part of your relationship. Moving forward, I would definitely seek out help from a professional who can help you navigate this new dynamic in a healthy way. It can be tough to find the right person, but it definitely helps to have some sort of intermediary when figuring out how to deal with this sort of thing.

I'm really appreciating the feedback everyone! I guess the main struggle for me is I just want to live up to her expectations I think. Health and fitness have always been really important to her and she was a personal trainer for twenty years.and before that she did ballet so it's always been a part of her life .. She's always extremely pleased if I'm on a strict exercise routine... I think the hard part is trying to make her happy while myself realizing I may never live up to her expectations, and just learning to be okay with that.

Oh, honey... as others have mentioned, be respectful toward your mother, but you CAN'T live your life to make her happy and fulfill her expectations of you. It's your life. You have to be happy and fulfill your own expectations of your life. I'm 40 years old and don't speak to my mother now because she was so controlling. I tried to do what made her happy and it made me miserable. (Not food related... relationship-wise.) You NEED to put your foot down and set some boundaries now, before it escalates and becomes too late to fix your relationship.

I'm really appreciating the feedback everyone! I guess the main struggle for me is I just want to live up to her expectations I think. Health and fitness have always been really important to her and she was a personal trainer for twenty years.and before that she did ballet so it's always been a part of her life .. She's always extremely pleased if I'm on a strict exercise routine... I think the hard part is trying to make her happy while myself realizing I may never live up to her expectations, and just learning to be okay with that.

One of the good parts of becoming an adult is that you don't have to live up to anyone's expectations except your own. If you are happy with your weight and the way you are eating, that is what is important. As far as mom, you could just tell her to bugger off as some have suggested, but I think a better way might be to just agree with her and then do what you want. Cherish the conversations you have with your mother, no matter how frustrated they may make you. There will come a day when she won't be there to have even those conversations, and you will miss them. Best of luck, you sound like an intelligent woman who knows the right thing to do.

Easier said than done, but I would not talk to her about meals/calories/exercise. Every time she brings it up you have to change the subject, and if she brings it up again, and again, you have to change the subject again, and again. And again. You're 20 years old and at college, you have things that go on in your life other than food and exercise. Say something like, "oh, I want to tell you about my morning class, we're reading XYZ and it's really interesting." And if she says, "what are you eating? Are you still eating dessert, are you working out?" Say "well, I'd rather talk to you about X."

It'll take a while, and it'll be frustrating and tough. But you're an adult, although your mom sees you as the kid that you were. And it is SO important to set these boundaries now, because otherwise these are the same conversations that you'll be having with her in a year, and 5 years, and 20 years. And 20 years is a long time to be having conversations that stress you out. (Also, I'd imagine that conversations about every morsel eaten aren't that fun or interesting)

seems like she has an disordered relationship with food, and that shows up in her conversations with you. I'm sure she means well and thinks she's helping, but having conversations that are interrogations about your eating and exercise are stressing you out and are not what you need.

ETA: I don't think it's appropriate for people who have lost parents and have certain regrets to be transferring their emotions to this situation. Yes, your feelings are valid, but what the OP's mother is doing is not healthy, not appropriate and should not be tolerated. It's not "just what mum's do" at all.

Thank you for this! I totally agree!

Agreed 100%. This is not at all in the realm of normal or healthy.

Internet people... Please be careful when diagnosing Mom with an eating disorder, or jumping to conclusions about Mom's problems or psychological issues or malicious intentions or anything like that. OP didn't ask for that, and most likely it would be hugely inappropriate and damaging for her to approach this situation with anything other than a good old-fashioned adult conversation. Adult children since the beginning of time have had to do this with their parents, and parents have had to let go and let their kids be their own people. It's not easy, especially when the "kid" is a brand new adult.

Signed,
A mother whose kids have probably told their friends she's controlling and annoying more than once

I disagree. As someone who has suffered from mental health issues, and at one time needed to be near enough forced to get medical help for it.... yes if someone has concerns about another person's mental health, then yes they SHOULD be advised to seek appropriate professional help for that person. If they're not mentally ill and it's just normal behaviour, then the professional will simply reassure them it's nothing to worry about. But if they do need help, then it can make the difference between someone suffering for the rest of their life from a debilitating, emotionally painful and crippling illness versus getting help, treatment and being either cured or learning how to live and cope with the illness much better, i.e. getting their life back.

If you're suffering from mental health problems, sometimes it can be really hard to realise that your way of thinking is totally messed up, and really hard to recognise that you need help. Very often it does require a concerned person in your life to push you into getting treatment, or make you realise that your behaviour, feelings or ways of thinking are totally messed up. The OP is concerned about her mother's physical and mental health, and from what she says of her mother's behaviour, it's not normal. I can see why she's concerned, both about her mother's relationship and in terms of looking for a way to deal with the impact her mother's behaviour is having on her own life. The worst that will happen if she seeks professional help and there's nothing wrong with her mother is that the professional will tell her that, and tell her to give her mother a break, or maybe give her advice about how to improve the relationship from her end. And if her mother is mentally ill, it could give her her life back.

Internet people... Please be careful when diagnosing Mom with an eating disorder, or jumping to conclusions about Mom's problems or psychological issues or malicious intentions or anything like that. OP didn't ask for that, and most likely it would be hugely inappropriate and damaging for her to approach this situation with anything other than a good old-fashioned adult conversation. Adult children since the beginning of time have had to do this with their parents, and parents have had to let go and let their kids be their own people. It's not easy, especially when the "kid" is a brand new adult.

Signed,
A mother whose kids have probably told their friends she's controlling and annoying more than once

I disagree. As someone who has suffered from mental health issues, and at one time needed to be near enough forced to get medical help for it.... yes if someone has concerns about another person's mental health, then yes they SHOULD be advised to seek appropriate professional help for that person. If they're not mentally ill and it's just normal behaviour, then the professional will simply reassure them it's nothing to worry about. But if they do need help, then it can make the difference between someone suffering for the rest of their life from a debilitating, emotionally painful and crippling illness versus getting help, treatment and being either cured or learning how to live and cope with the illness much better, i.e. getting their life back.

If you're suffering from mental health problems, sometimes it can be really hard to realise that your way of thinking is totally messed up, and really hard to recognise that you need help. Very often it does require a concerned person in your life to push you into getting treatment, or make you realise that your behaviour, feelings or ways of thinking are totally messed up. The OP is concerned about her mother's physical and mental health, and from what she says of her mother's behaviour, it's not normal. I can see why she's concerned, both about her mother's relationship and in terms of looking for a way to deal with the impact her mother's behaviour is having on her own life. The worst that will happen if she seeks professional help and there's nothing wrong with her mother is that the professional will tell her that, and tell her to give her mother a break, or maybe give her advice about how to improve the relationship from her end. And if her mother is mentally ill, it could give her her life back.

Disagree away. I said this because it's not right that people responding to one Internet post who have zero knowledge of the relationship other than the OP's one post to diagnose mental illness and recommend treatment. Those who recommended discussing this like an adult were spot on.

I didn't see one single person diagnosing anyone or prescribing anything or telling the OP to administer any kind of treatment on her mother.

My main issue is that there's a huge stigma around mental illness that doesn't exist with most physical illness (although it does for some that are less well understood like CFS or similar) which makes people hold back from getting help advice and treatment for themselves or for others. If someone suspects that a family member has a mental illness, then advising them to get help for it does not equal diagnosing them or recommending treatment. No-one can know if that person really has a mental illness or not unless they are a doctor. But if it's suspected then that IS reason enough for that person to seek advice and help for that person.... if their suspicion is unfounded then it's the job of the doctor to determine that and tell the person there's nothing to worry about. Same as for physical illness. But if that person is ill, then it's essential that they DO seek help for that person.