Judgy know it all's...
jlshea
Posts: 494 Member
This has been on my mind for sometime.
My husband lost around 60 lbs three years ago by starting to run and watch his diet better. He still can eat and still eats some junk here and there but he runs about 5 miles five times per week. Honestly, I loved him the same as when he was bigger. Maybe more but I'll get to that.
Meanwhile, I can name all the excuse monsters as to why I put on weight during that time. I got big and I was lazy. I was not/am not happy with how I look. Anyway, in January during a serious talk we were having he mentioned how he'd lost weight and I'd gotten big. It wasn't said in a mean way but having someone who is suppose to love you unconditionally telling you that you need to slim down hurts no matter how you say it. He doesn't criticize me but I know he's not as attracted to me as he once was which is an awful feeling.
Anyway, after that talk I came back here and started a diet bet. I am down almost 10 lbs but its coming off so slowly. I hate that. I have no patience. My husband will travel for a few days and eat junk and put on 8 lbs and in a few days he'll be down 10 lbs. Not the kind of thing I want to hear when I'm busting my butt and losing 1.5 in a week. I know I'm doing it the right way but its so frustrating. I feel like he's judging my slow weight loss because for him, it seems to fall off effortlessly.
Last month during my TOM I put on a few pounds, I tried explaining water weight to him and I could just tell he didn't buy it. Way to really pi$$ off a raging hormonal woman, let me tell you.
I'm not giving up and he really is supportive when it comes down to it. He's come with me to buy new running shoes and goes grocery shopping with me and those things really help. I just hate feeling judged by someone who's suppose to love me.
My husband lost around 60 lbs three years ago by starting to run and watch his diet better. He still can eat and still eats some junk here and there but he runs about 5 miles five times per week. Honestly, I loved him the same as when he was bigger. Maybe more but I'll get to that.
Meanwhile, I can name all the excuse monsters as to why I put on weight during that time. I got big and I was lazy. I was not/am not happy with how I look. Anyway, in January during a serious talk we were having he mentioned how he'd lost weight and I'd gotten big. It wasn't said in a mean way but having someone who is suppose to love you unconditionally telling you that you need to slim down hurts no matter how you say it. He doesn't criticize me but I know he's not as attracted to me as he once was which is an awful feeling.
Anyway, after that talk I came back here and started a diet bet. I am down almost 10 lbs but its coming off so slowly. I hate that. I have no patience. My husband will travel for a few days and eat junk and put on 8 lbs and in a few days he'll be down 10 lbs. Not the kind of thing I want to hear when I'm busting my butt and losing 1.5 in a week. I know I'm doing it the right way but its so frustrating. I feel like he's judging my slow weight loss because for him, it seems to fall off effortlessly.
Last month during my TOM I put on a few pounds, I tried explaining water weight to him and I could just tell he didn't buy it. Way to really pi$$ off a raging hormonal woman, let me tell you.
I'm not giving up and he really is supportive when it comes down to it. He's come with me to buy new running shoes and goes grocery shopping with me and those things really help. I just hate feeling judged by someone who's suppose to love me.
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Replies
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First off, most men can lose weight a lot faster then women, that's pretty proven. Also, you didn't put it on over night, don't expect it to come off over night, you might lose slower then him, but a loss is a loss. Be proud of how far you've gone. It's taken me 2.5 years to get to where I am and I have 18 lbs to go to hit where I wanna be. I had hit 117 lbs at one point but water weight, and me letting life creep in the way, got to me, so I put on a few pounds, I'll get it back off. It takes time but you can do this, if you want it as bad as you seem to want it, just remember, things worth having don't come easy and things that come easy aren't worth having.0
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When one is focused on something you notice it more. Like if you buy a green car you start noticing the green cars more. If your husband is focusing on loosing weight, feels that it is a healthy choice, makes him more active, and makes him feel better, he would want the same for you. He would want you as happy and as healthy as possible. I have tried many times to convince people to stop smoking. I believe i to be very unhealthy. Perhaps I am being judgy; but, I want them to stop for good reasons. I ramble, but, your husband may be coming from a good place.
Please be patient with yourself. If you have a good food day, celebrate your success. Daily action is what gets you to where you want to go. Don't focus on the big goal so much, every day can be a celebration.0 -
There's nothing else to be said that Mike and Fitty haven't said, except that 1.5lbs a week is actually really good. You might encounter the odd bump here and there, such as the water weight that you've pointed out (just keep an eye on your sodium intake and drink plenty of water - which sounds counter productive when fighting against water retention, but never is). But 1.5lbs a week is absolutely perfect and, more importantly, very healthy and safe weight loss.
Keep it up, and before you know it you can start calling your husband Mr Pudgy.0 -
First off, there is no physical way that he can gain 8lbs of fat in a weekend, unless he's eating extremely high calorie foods for pretty much the entire weekend. So when he "gains 8lbs" it's really water weight, and once he goes back to his normal eating and exercise habits the water weight goes away and he is back to his normal. So don't let that make you feel like you're failing.
Second of all, 1.5 pounds a week is awesome! Maybe you need to have a serious sit down with him and tell him how you are trying (and succeeding btw) but you are not feeling like he's supporting you. There's nothing that can send you into a spiral faster than feeling like you're just going to be judged even if you're doing all the right things. Maybe he doesn't realize how much it's affecting you.
Keeping going!0 -
It is SO frustrating that its so easy for men. Their metabolisms are faster than ours, so its easier for them. Definitely slow and steady wins the race. I consider any loss of weight a win, even if its only a tenth of a pound, better than putting it on. I have to say though my SO is very supportive, although he still cooks way too much food (he does all the cooking) it is my choice how much I eat. Maybe sit down and have a talk with him about what it would mean to you for him to be supportive and how his opinion of you means so much to you. Maybe he'll be more careful about what he says.
Good luck on your journey.0 -
First of all... you're losing 1.5lbs a week...that is FANTASTIC!! Second of all.... men can drop weight faster than women. It sounds like he is very supportive and he does love you. I know it hurts to hear... but at least he feels he can open up to you. Would you rather he not saying anything and then you two lose the tight bond and become distant b/c you put on weight. Whether people admit it or not.... being physically attracted to your partner is very important!! I don't think he's asking you to be a size 0 super model...he just sayinig it might be in your best interest and the interest of your marriage to shed some pounds. Truth can hurt (my hubby told me my butt still needs work and stuff... ouch, but he's right).
So with that said use this as fuel to be better - show him how strong you are and how you want this for YOU first and foremost, but also for him. Since he eats well and works out.... you two can have a new hobby and time together. I love working out with my husband - we push each other!!
Congrats on your weightloss. Stay strong - stay focused!!0 -
This has been on my mind for sometime.
My husband lost around 60 lbs three years ago by starting to run and watch his diet better. He still can eat and still eats some junk here and there but he runs about 5 miles five times per week. Honestly, I loved him the same as when he was bigger. Maybe more but I'll get to that.
Meanwhile, I can name all the excuse monsters as to why I put on weight during that time. I got big and I was lazy. I was not/am not happy with how I look. Anyway, in January during a serious talk we were having he mentioned how he'd lost weight and I'd gotten big. It wasn't said in a mean way but having someone who is suppose to love you unconditionally telling you that you need to slim down hurts no matter how you say it. He doesn't criticize me but I know he's not as attracted to me as he once was which is an awful feeling.
Anyway, after that talk I came back here and started a diet bet. I am down almost 10 lbs but its coming off so slowly. I hate that. I have no patience. My husband will travel for a few days and eat junk and put on 8 lbs and in a few days he'll be down 10 lbs. Not the kind of thing I want to hear when I'm busting my butt and losing 1.5 in a week. I know I'm doing it the right way but its so frustrating. I feel like he's judging my slow weight loss because for him, it seems to fall off effortlessly.
Last month during my TOM I put on a few pounds, I tried explaining water weight to him and I could just tell he didn't buy it. Way to really pi$$ off a raging hormonal woman, let me tell you.
I'm not giving up and he really is supportive when it comes down to it. He's come with me to buy new running shoes and goes grocery shopping with me and those things really help. I just hate feeling judged by someone who's suppose to love me.
You admit he supports you and his actions show he loves you (if he didn't, he wouldn't put up with such neurotic stuff). I see a lot of venting towards him for anger that you really have directed at yourself.0 -
I think you are projecting your negative feelings about yourself onto your husband. He may have mentioned your weight but it doesn't sound like he did it in a negative or hurtful way. Sounds to me like you are really hard on yourself and beat yourself up for the weight gain and mistakenly believe that your husband feels the same.0
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It really doesn't sound at all like he's judging you. You say he's supportive and that is a HUGE advantage! We women can be our own worst critics. Maybe you are judging yourself a little harshly. Stay the course, compliment your hubby on how well he has done and refuse the negative. Speak life!
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1.5 a week is right where you want to be. I started losing weight because my wife kept telling me my gut fat is the worst kind of fat to carry and leads to many health problems down the road. I then got serious and really watched my food intake. I also started running which I enjoy now. I think you would do well to ease into running. Its by far the best and fastest way I have found to shed pounds. It is also possible he said something because he cares about you and we all know that any weight we lose is going to have health benefits. You could even end up running together, I wish I could get my wife to start running, not that she needs to but it would be fun.0
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It really doesn't sound at all like he's judging you. You say he's supportive and that is a HUGE advantage! We women can be our own worst critics. Maybe you are judging yourself a little harshly. Stay the course, compliment your hubby on how well he has done and refuse the negative. Speak life!
This. We men like to think that every problem has a simple A-to-B solution. Like changing a lightbulb. While you're thinking of your weight loss on several different levels of thought, I can guarantee that his train of thought is "Ug. Wife need motivation. Me man. Me motivate. Ug. Work harder, woman. You must work harder. Ug.". We have the best intentions at heart, it's just unfortunate that we can't understand that not every problem needs fixing.0 -
May I suggest:
You're judging you by comparing yourself to him.
My husband would never do MyFitnesPal, he prefers just to cut out all flour, sugar, walk 10 miles a day, and lose weight.
I prefer MFP, the elliptical trainer and free weights.
There are lots of different paths to the same goal.
Why not take pounds off the table and just focus on behaviors and habits to help you take weight off and both of you to keep it off?0 -
I don't know about the rest of it, but with respect to... I'm busting my butt and losing 1.5 in a week. ...
well, that just a really a nice, healthy rate. And, with some consistency, those 1.5 pound increments start adding up really quick . . .
Good luck!0 -
You're doing fine.
he does love you.
But that doesn't mean he doesn't want you to lose some weight- it's going to improve your quality of life- libido and how you guys are able to do things.
These things get taken personally and often it's not personal- it's just the reality that when you change it can affect the other person. Be glad you guys seems to have a pretty open functional relationship AND you are losing weight at a great rate!! keep up the good work!!0 -
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I have a truly supportive SO, but I used to have one of what you have now. Except mine was extremely morbidly obese but felt compelled to tell me how I was doing it wrong because he didn't eat fast food one week and lost 10 pounds. so he knew all the answers after that point.
anyways...
maybe the next time you don't offer him explanations.
Maybe next time you just don't say anything.....and if he gets a judgey face you simply say
Do you want me to do this right? or do you want me to do this not at all? Because you aren't helping like this, in fact you are dragging me down.0 -
Your husband comes of, to me at least, pretty supportive, but real. A good combo.
Most of the judgement seems to be stemming from you, your poor self image, that you're projecting on him.0 -
It sounds to me like you aren't all that happy with yourself the way you are. Your S.O. knows this. Your S.O. wants you to be happy with who you are. He has successfully lost a lot of weight and feels a lot better about who he is. He would like to help you do the same.
He approached you in a supportive way in an attempt to help you get on track to a healthier you.
You are mad at him for it.
Makes sense.0 -
I agree wtih this. My husband is fit. He's athletic. I can occasionally find that makes me self concious but I have to swallow that feeling and use his knowledge to my benefit.It really doesn't sound at all like he's judging you. You say he's supportive and that is a HUGE advantage! We women can be our own worst critics. Maybe you are judging yourself a little harshly. Stay the course, compliment your hubby on how well he has done and refuse the negative. Speak life!0 -
I've noticed this on MFP as well. Some people, when they achieve success, think they've figured out some universal truth and if they could just get everyone to buy into their wisdom, everyone would achieve the same success on the same timetable.
Obvious but it's true: We're all different.
I usually get the "It's so easy for you men" comments. You have no idea how hard it's been for me.0 -
In, because I love how these threads end.0
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I've noticed this on MFP as well. Some people, when they achieve success, think they've figured out some universal truth and if they could just get everyone to buy into their wisdom, everyone would achieve the same success on the same timetable.
Obvious but it's true: We're all different.
I usually get the "It's so easy for you men" comments. You have no idea how hard it's been for me.
:huh:
You didn't read the post/thread, did you?0 -
You're doing great.
He still loves you.
Men and women are different.
I wouldn't talk to him about it.
Smooch instead.0 -
This has been on my mind for sometime.
My husband lost around 60 lbs three years ago by starting to run and watch his diet better. He still can eat and still eats some junk here and there but he runs about 5 miles five times per week. Honestly, I loved him the same as when he was bigger. Maybe more but I'll get to that.
Meanwhile, I can name all the excuse monsters as to why I put on weight during that time. I got big and I was lazy. I was not/am not happy with how I look. Anyway, in January during a serious talk we were having he mentioned how he'd lost weight and I'd gotten big. It wasn't said in a mean way but having someone who is suppose to love you unconditionally telling you that you need to slim down hurts no matter how you say it. He doesn't criticize me but I know he's not as attracted to me as he once was which is an awful feeling.
Anyway, after that talk I came back here and started a diet bet. I am down almost 10 lbs but its coming off so slowly. I hate that. I have no patience. My husband will travel for a few days and eat junk and put on 8 lbs and in a few days he'll be down 10 lbs. Not the kind of thing I want to hear when I'm busting my butt and losing 1.5 in a week. I know I'm doing it the right way but its so frustrating. I feel like he's judging my slow weight loss because for him, it seems to fall off effortlessly.
Last month during my TOM I put on a few pounds, I tried explaining water weight to him and I could just tell he didn't buy it. Way to really pi$$ off a raging hormonal woman, let me tell you.
I'm not giving up and he really is supportive when it comes down to it. He's come with me to buy new running shoes and goes grocery shopping with me and those things really help. I just hate feeling judged by someone who's suppose to love me.
It's incredibly difficult ot separate your emotions from the things other people say. But it sounds very much like that is what happened here.
I have a perfect example, just before I decided to start losing weight, my friend and I were speaking (she's a counselor and very upfront but I've never heard her say anything to someone she was trying to help that was mean.) I said something about not having time and it was nearly impossible to do in my schedule around Minion(my son). Her response was by text, she said "You don't want it enough." And I burst into tears and cried for 8 hours. Couldn't understand how she could be so mean to me. We spoke later and she clarified, saying I didn't want it enough wasn't an insult. It was an objective view of my situation. I had priorities and changing my lifestyle didn't rank high enough to be worth the change.
The issue was that I was /pissed/ at myself for not giving my health priority. I put my career and my kid first. Except there isn't anything wrong with that, it's just opinions. All she did was point to the line I'd drawn. Sometimes people point out a crack in our armor we weren't aware of. It's OKAY to spiral off into that emotion upon discovering you weren't fully aware. It's not okay to stay there. This problem may be that you have been comparing yourself to him and it makes you feel unaccomplished. That's a problem all it's own.
Humans have a thing called the Spotlight complex. We think we're center stage all day every day. Everyone is obviously watching and judging every move we make, they pay attention to every thing we do. So when they are being inconsiderate we judge them as though they said it knowing how hard we are working. So what I started doing, was treating every interaction like no one could see anything I did ever. It's amazing how nice things got. The friend later said something about if I was feeling better and I explained what I'd decided and she was amazingly supportive. When Someone undercuts something I've done, I don't get offended, I just explain. Odds are they didn't see what I've done. Don't assume your husband knows what's changed and by how much. And never assume he's being judgemental. I try to stick to people being neutral at worst. Unless they are obviously being jerks. If it's even a little ambiguous I'd give them the benefit of the doubt.0 -
Getting all judgy are we? Yes, I read it. If you object to something I wrote, maybe you should spell it out.I've noticed this on MFP as well. Some people, when they achieve success, think they've figured out some universal truth and if they could just get everyone to buy into their wisdom, everyone would achieve the same success on the same timetable.
Obvious but it's true: We're all different.
I usually get the "It's so easy for you men" comments. You have no idea how hard it's been for me.
:huh:
You didn't read the post/thread, did you?0 -
What you posted had nothing to do with the OP. It appears you read the thread title and nothing else.
Her SO is supporting her. She even explicitly says so in her post.0 -
If it hurts your feelings don't talk to him about it. Sit him down and tell him, "I love you. I appreciate your concern. But new rule: We are not ever to speak of my weight again."0
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You are doing GREAT! Just keep doing what you're doing...just think about where you will be a year from today...at 1.5 pounds per week. That is awesome and incredible!
I know exactly how you feel. My husband has always been smaller than I am. And when my weight got to a point where I realized he was no longer as attracted to me...well...that hurt more than I can tell you.
It just takes time. It just takes putting effort into it one day at a time. You will get there!
Of course men lose weight more quickly. Its in their very make up! They have testosterone to help them...and larger muscle mass...and they also have larger lungs, which means they don't get breathless as quickly as women do.
So don't even worry about it. And don't even try to explain TOM and water weight to them...they really don't want to hear about it. Just keep doing what you're doing. Things got better for me...
...they will get better for you, too! ONE DAY AT A TIME!
:flowerforyou:0 -
This has been on my mind for sometime.
My husband lost around 60 lbs three years ago by starting to run and watch his diet better. He still can eat and still eats some junk here and there but he runs about 5 miles five times per week. Honestly, I loved him the same as when he was bigger. Maybe more but I'll get to that.
Meanwhile, I can name all the excuse monsters as to why I put on weight during that time. I got big and I was lazy. I was not/am not happy with how I look. Anyway, in January during a serious talk we were having he mentioned how he'd lost weight and I'd gotten big. It wasn't said in a mean way but having someone who is suppose to love you unconditionally telling you that you need to slim down hurts no matter how you say it. He doesn't criticize me but I know he's not as attracted to me as he once was which is an awful feeling.
Anyway, after that talk I came back here and started a diet bet. I am down almost 10 lbs but its coming off so slowly. I hate that. I have no patience. My husband will travel for a few days and eat junk and put on 8 lbs and in a few days he'll be down 10 lbs. Not the kind of thing I want to hear when I'm busting my butt and losing 1.5 in a week. I know I'm doing it the right way but its so frustrating. I feel like he's judging my slow weight loss because for him, it seems to fall off effortlessly.
Last month during my TOM I put on a few pounds, I tried explaining water weight to him and I could just tell he didn't buy it. Way to really pi$$ off a raging hormonal woman, let me tell you.
I'm not giving up and he really is supportive when it comes down to it. He's come with me to buy new running shoes and goes grocery shopping with me and those things really help. I just hate feeling judged by someone who's suppose to love me.
If you want, I'll take a screen shot of my weight history. I weigh every day and there is a distinct pattern that happens to follow a general 28 day cycle. Jaggedy line trending up. Steep drop. Jaggedy line going up. Steep drop. Etc.0 -
I think that there are some things that you just have to look at before you say them and see if you are waiting for a response to validate your situation. I try to talk to my husband about weight loss and he really does not seem to care or to be able to identify with my struggles...I cannot fault him for not being understanding because he has never been in my shoes and he is not an emotional eater. Although I would love for him to be able to relate, it is just not something he has experienced. I would suggest surrounding yourself with like minded people who have lost weight and know what it is like to go through weight loss or those that have the same type of eating/fitness struggles. No one IRL that I deal with can relate, but I have the best MFP friends for support so I turn to them when I need an ear to listen to me and give weight loss advice. Best of luck with your weight loss!0
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