I'm dying, 18,000 cal binge, final tommorow? :(

Good God! You haave way too much time on your hands. Get busy with friends and family and why are those things at your reach in the first place?

I would guess food is at her disposal because she's an adult human in a first-world country.
I think you should probably re-think that whole, "I'm a Christian" thing based on this post, ma'am.

FYI: Jesus associated with people who made much worse choices.

You guys are so awesome, thank you for standing up for me!

So yesterday I got done about half of my studying and fell asleep. I did overall end up eating more food than I usually do and didn't workout but I purposely ate whatever I wanted to because I didn't want to binge again. I overate a little, maybe 2,000-3,000 calories total, but thats way better than 20,000 calories. I felt kind of bad, but I do think I need to fix my relationship with food before anything. I can't binge everytime I eat something with sugar or excess sodium or food that is not "clean". I need to learn moderation, as well as to put aside studying and all my other problems when eating. Eating intuitively felt good, I wish I could do it more often without it leading to bingeing though.

I'm alone at the moment and almost binged on granola, but I just ended up have a single serving of yogurt and fruit. I just kept thinking IF I start eating the granola I know for sure I will end up eating buffalo wings in the freezer, cookie mix, etc and wasting all my time on eating food instead of studying.

For anyone that did read my other post, the bingeing isn't really super recent. I've had it since the end of high school when I got comments about my weight from my family (I was maybe 120 lbs, not even fat) and became super selfconscious. I know there is more to me than just my weight or how I look, but I've become extremely critical of myself as a result of living with them. They mostly believe fat people are disgusting, they "shun" them, think they have no chance at life. If you're fat, you're "ugly". No one will hire you, you'll never get married, you're lazy, you'll die of disease, you probably are prediabetic etc. And growing up, I always thought this was soooo wrong! Its not even true (atleast in my experience) When I was first called "fat" is when my food issues started, I hid food, ate it at night, but also counted calories. I never probably ate over 3,000 calories total at that time but it escalated to maybe 4/5,000 cal, then dieting back and forth and they're just getting bigger and bigger. I went a couple months w/o bingeing and got my a super low weight of 114 (my family loved me more than ever even though my ribcage showed, its sick) and then I started bingeing again 1 time per week, then 2x per week etc...You would not believe how much I go through to eat the food though. I get shouted at when its gone, my entire family points fingers at me, hold grudges etc. When I go out and binge, its even worse though b/c I can eat way more junk (ice cream, pizza). There are none of these things at home, my family is made of health nuts. The junk that is there is "for" my underweight brother, and its "hidden". But there are days where I call in sick from being too stuffed to the point I cannot even move. I spend the entire day eating and reading.

Anyways a couple hours of studying, and plan to work out after exam! And will respond to you guys, thanks for all the support

UPDATE

Sorry for taking so long, it was a really busy week.

I'm going to be 100% honest with you guys on what is going on no matter how horrible it is because I appreciate your help and also I'm sure there are other people out there in a similar situation.

I ended up with a B+ for my physics exam and A+ on the practical. I'm proud of the practical but need to study more for physics I guess. But...

I binged horribly on Thursday last week before my exam. It was terrible. I was taking a study break and decided to have just one serving of granola, which turned into two, and then I opened a packet of cookie mix and ate about 1/3 of mixed up with eggs and coconut oil microwaved. I tried to stop myself but after the exam I ended up getting a whole pint if ice cream, soda, and a giant slice of cake. I ate that, plus a 3-4 servings of the buffalo wings, ramen noodles, cups of milk, the rest of the cookie mix, a whole packet of pudding, and whatever else I could find. (This was all at night, around 10-11pm)

After that day on Friday, I decided to do whatever it takes to stop bingeing. It feels so beyond my control but I know I can do it. For the past 2 months, I've never been able to eat normally for more than 3 or 4 days. It's always eat normal 3 days, binge 2 or 3 days, then repeat again and again. It's so depressing.

But I am on day 5 of eating 'normally'!!!! And working out everyday too!!! But I did weight myself and was pretty horrified that I have gained more weight than I thought I've basically undone 5 months of really hard work.

My struggles at the moment are my appearance. I know you guys have helped a lot already but I honestly keep thinking about how much weight I gained. It's sick but I'm disgusted by the stretch marks and I hate having to wear my moms clothes. I should be proud of breaking the 3/4 day binge diet cycle but instead all I can think about is how long it'll take to look like I did before (atleast a couple months) I know my weight doesn't define me, but it's so hard to change the way your think. I know I can learn from my mistakes, this weight gain is a lesson to learn from, but I feel like my mind is stuck, almost frozen.

Diet wise, what helped me not binge was adding a lot more veggies and not eating any oatmeal/granola or anything like peanut butter or Nutella that isn't a single serving. What I am having a hard time with is not eating at night. I'm eating enough but sometimes end up eating a snack around 200-300 cals at night and then feel guilty and add it to the next days cals. I'm still a little under/near maintenance at the moment despite having weight to lose (almost overweight bmi) but I'll focus on eating and working out consistently first.

I avoided a binge that would have been terrible just before writing this by thinking about what happened last time. I have class again tommorow and the day after and I knew if I binged I would be too sick to go to class and would fall behind, I would add more pounds to my weight gain, and would also not go to the gym tommorow morning (I love going there but not when I look pregnant)

I have a quiz tommorow and after taking a quick nap after which to study, I ended up eating a huge bowl of yogurt and protein bar (total 600 cals but still under daily cals) I was pretty much heading into the cupboard to get some oatmeal but I ended up drinking water instead. It would have easily been around a couple thousand if I had gone for it though because my stomach isn't stuffed already from bingeing the past couple days. Basically 2-3 cups of oatmeal, some milk and sugar, granola, Nutella, buffalo wings, and there is also a whole block of mozzerella cheese in the fridge. Trying my best to just eat normal, and hopefully I can be strong enough.

Thanks

If somebody truly binge eats on 18,000 calories in a day, which is nine days worth of calories for some grown males, why are so many people cheering them on to ignore natural hunger cues and continue eating "normally" the next day?

A human body that has been subjected to that level of caloric overload in one day will NOT become genuinely hungry the following day. The mind might crave more of the type of food you binged on, but it will not be genuinely hungry for additional calories after that kind of haul.

Telling somebody to "eat normally" the next day, regardless of whether their body is actually truly hungry, is so irresponsible. A person dealing with out of control eating needs to move into a direction of learning what true hunger is, not just eating for eating sake because, on a societal level, we're foolishly so terrified of going without food...regardless of whether our bodies need it or not.

You have lots of good advice here and it all sounds healthy. I used to be a binge/purge person and no longer am. Feel free to friend me if you want and we can talk openly about this. I also recommend that you read my blog - 1fatchick2another.blogspot.com. I tackle weight loss, yes, but also everything that goes with it for someone who struggles with food - acceptance, forgiveness, self-sabotage, binging/purging, etc., etc. If you do read it, go allllllll the way to the first article and work your way up. All the best. Beth