Starting Fresh this time around

So, I was a regular on MFP on another account for well over a year. I lost about 10 pounds, which was all I needed to lose, then lost it and started binging again, which, silver lining, I now realize is something I've struggled with all my life and need to deal with. It has been recommended to me to seek medical help for my binging, as the medical professional I spoke to suspected undiagnosed ADD or anxiety disorder might be to blame. I've never been overweight, but logging food was a good way to track my food habits and stop binging. Anyway, I lost the weight I needed to lose, and then binging took over and I gained 25 pounds. So, I'm back. I stopped counting for a while to attempt to eat intuitively, which didn't work. I just used it as a licence to overeat, it seems.

Stress causes me to binge eat and I have been working on developing healthier coping mechanisms than binge eating. Since I've been really paying attention and getting serious about using the numbers, my frantic overeating(not high enough in calories to call a "binge", but certainly frantic overeating is a good description) has gotten less frequent and less high-calorie. We're now talking 2,500 calories in a day instead of 4,000(I lose track after about 3,000). Currently, my most productive ways to counteract stress eating are running and (strange as it may sound) playing Tetris.

I am getting married in three months. I really, truly want to look my best for my husband. I've lost and gained this weight while we've been together, and I'm sure it kills him to see me struggle with food. Plus, my thighs got a lot of stretch marks all over from the rapid weight gain, which are pretty dang gross. I know those aren't going to just go away if I lose weight, but they're a pretty good reminder of what poor eating habits have done to my body.

I am also a very all-or-nothing personality, which is apparently common in various forms of disordered eating. If I go a few calories over, I used to say "f--- it" and just keep eating. I'm hoping to not do that anymore. My best trick is as soon as I realize I'm in binge mode while I'm eating to change the manner of eating, like breaking crackers into pieces instead of biting into them, for example. It's like it flips a switch in my brain that brings me back to what I'm doing. I've gone so far as to eat a bagel with peanut butter with a fork and knife. It was VERY difficult, and certainly put me off that binge because that's pretty hard to eat with a fork and knife. It stopped me from eating the rest of what I wanted to in that binge, which was more of the same and granola. Cereal is eaten out of a coffee mug with my fingers if I really want it. Believe me, I don't usually want it THAT much. I can't buy natural peanut butter, granola, or shelled nuts anymore. I will eat a jar of peanut butter with a spoon at a disgusting rate of speed with a great deal of pain. :sick:

So, yeah. That's me in a nutshell. Anxious basketcase with very little self-control when it comes to emotional eating and carb cravings.