Okcupid
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I think you are looking for justification that he may not be cheating or getting gratification from others and that is normal. Its hard to realize the truth. i think most of us have been in your situation and it sucks. I just hate that you are going through this but I will tell you this, you might ever get the truth from him. What he is doing is deceptive so dont count on him being truthful with you. Also no, not all guys watch porn when in relationships.
Many guys are respectful and we dont it cause we really respect and care about the person we are with. Being on dating sites and watching porn is a problem. Nothing with watching porn as long as its ok with the other partner. It sounds like he is not happy. Does that mean you should move on? Not if he is truthful and you both can fix whatever is wrong. There has to be real communication there so you both can build a real foundation so you can work on. I wish you luck.
You seem really nice so I hope everything works out.0 -
I hafta say this. YOU NEVER KNOW for sure if he hasnt cheated on you. I hate to be that jerk that says it, but someone has to. I feel as though dudes never really change unless they want to. You'll probably never get him to stop watching porn but the OK cupid stuff? Even the fact that he's making multiple profiles on there just screams SHADY CHEATER to me. :-(
I hope whatever you decide to do works out the way you want it to.
Very true, thanks. For the past few months i've been checking his emails and what not, but either he has stopped, or he has gotten smarter. And to be honest, not sure about the past but these days he does not have time to cheat physically. He goes to work, comes home, weekends he doesn't go out by himself, so I know his whereabouts.0 -
Porn would be far more ok with me than interacting with real people on a dating site.
True.0 -
I hafta say this. YOU NEVER KNOW for sure if he hasnt cheated on you. I hate to be that jerk that says it, but someone has to. I feel as though dudes never really change unless they want to. You'll probably never get him to stop watching porn but the OK cupid stuff? Even the fact that he's making multiple profiles on there just screams SHADY CHEATER to me. :-(
I hope whatever you decide to do works out the way you want it to.
Very true, thanks. For the past few months i've been checking his emails and what not, but either he has stopped, or he has gotten smarter. And to be honest, not sure about the past but these days he does not have time to cheat physically. He goes to work, comes home, weekends he doesn't go out by himself, so I know his whereabouts.
They rarely quit doing the thing that they're doing, From experience, its not that they get "smarter" they get shadier and better at hiding crap...
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I think you are looking for justification that he may not be cheating or getting gratification from others and that is normal. Its hard to realize the truth. i think most of us have been in your situation and it sucks. I just hate that you are going through this but I will tell you this, you might ever get the truth from him. What he is doing is deceptive so dont count on him being truthful with you. Also no, not all guys watch porn when in relationships.
Many guys are respectful and we dont it cause we really respect and care about the person we are with. Being on dating sites and watching porn is a problem. Nothing with watching porn as long as its ok with the other partner. It sounds like he is not happy. Does that mean you should move on? Not if he is truthful and you both can fix whatever is wrong. There has to be real communication there so you both can build a real foundation so you can work on. I wish you luck.
You seem really nice so I hope everything works out.
Thanks so much for your insight.0 -
I hafta say this. YOU NEVER KNOW for sure if he hasnt cheated on you. I hate to be that jerk that says it, but someone has to. I feel as though dudes never really change unless they want to. You'll probably never get him to stop watching porn but the OK cupid stuff? Even the fact that he's making multiple profiles on there just screams SHADY CHEATER to me. :-(
I hope whatever you decide to do works out the way you want it to.
Very true, thanks. For the past few months i've been checking his emails and what not, but either he has stopped, or he has gotten smarter. And to be honest, not sure about the past but these days he does not have time to cheat physically. He goes to work, comes home, weekends he doesn't go out by himself, so I know his whereabouts.
They rarely quit doing the thing that they're doing, From experience, its not that they get "smarter" they get shadier and better at hiding crap...
Doesn't help when he has all these computer skills to hid stuff either and multiple email addresses I'll never know about. I know what I need to do, just going to take time to be able to part ways! I am a stay at home mom on top of it so makes it even harder.0 -
Two main reasons why guys cheat
1) his needs are not being met at home
2) he is a "notch carver" and is always looking for someone new.
#1 can be worked out.
#2 can't.
End of story.0 -
Two main reasons why guys cheat
1) his needs are not being met at home
2) he is a "notch carver" and is always looking for someone new.
#1 can be worked out.
#2 can't.
End of story.
yes, and sounds like it's #1 based on everything given so far and the fact that he isn't allowed to look at videos of other women online0 -
Two main reasons why guys cheat
1) his needs are not being met at home
2) he is a "notch carver" and is always looking for someone new.
#1 can be worked out.
#2 can't.
End of story.
yes, and sounds like it's #1 based on everything given so far and the fact that he isn't allowed to look at videos of other women online
Um, no. We do have a good sex life actually, and videos are not reality0 -
I hafta say this. YOU NEVER KNOW for sure if he hasnt cheated on you. I hate to be that jerk that says it, but someone has to. I feel as though dudes never really change unless they want to. You'll probably never get him to stop watching porn but the OK cupid stuff? Even the fact that he's making multiple profiles on there just screams SHADY CHEATER to me. :-(
I hope whatever you decide to do works out the way you want it to.
Very true, thanks. For the past few months i've been checking his emails and what not, but either he has stopped, or he has gotten smarter. And to be honest, not sure about the past but these days he does not have time to cheat physically. He goes to work, comes home, weekends he doesn't go out by himself, so I know his whereabouts.
They rarely quit doing the thing that they're doing, From experience, its not that they get "smarter" they get shadier and better at hiding crap...
Doesn't help when he has all these computer skills to hid stuff either and multiple email addresses I'll never know about. I know what I need to do, just going to take time to be able to part ways! I am a stay at home mom on top of it so makes it even harder.
Going to jump into this convo here: I had a set of friends that were engaged a few years back. The guy was caught on a dating site "just answering questions" and his fiance forgave him. I didn't buy his bull crap and I sat down, found the passwords to a private unknown email, and what do you know it was the email used for a different dating profile. I went further and messaged a few people that visited his profile often or his recurring previously viewed...got responses that were like "pick up where we left off?" and "when are we going to meet up again?"
In the end, I caught him having sex with three other women over a summer...god knows how many before then. Needless to say, after I showed the evidence to the female fiance...she got the hell out of there and never looked back.
I know it's not always that cut and dry with relationships and this sort of thing, but I say if you are unhappy in that relationship and he won't change then leave.0 -
This happened to me before in a significant relationship. He said it was because of whatever lame reasons he could conjure. But the reality was obvious, he just could not accept it at the time. He was looking for a way out of our relationship. I repeatedly offered him an out, but he wouldn't take it. Insisted he loved me very much. I'm sure he did, but more importantly, he needed me. Emotionally, he needed to have me. I was all he knew.
Online dating profiles were how he got to know other women. It later progressed into meeting one at a bar. I'm not sure if he knew her from online or not. He said he didn't. He went home with her. Of course, he claimed they did not have sex because he was so "conflicted." It didn't matter. I didn't trust him anymore.
He swore he wanted to be in this relationship even after that. He would "earn" my trust back. But he never did. I wasn't able to forget this and move on. He wasn't able to stop trying to see what it would be like to be with other women while he was still with me. Our relationship ended in a blow-up, after which he went to the hangout spot he'd started going (never invited me to go with him, oddly enough) and he got with the girl he would immediately begin dating and impregnate within a few short weeks.
I will tell you what happens when you allow this to be a non-issue for you - you destroy your own self-esteem. You slowly make yourself ok with this, and he steps it up a little more each time to test his boundaries with you. You become someone you don't know, always wondering if he's still at it. Or if he's telling the truth. Or maybe he went all the way this time... You become miserable. He becomes better at hiding things from you.
Your trust for him is dwindling, and you're grasping at straws right now. The "he hasn't cheated physically" straw is the last one. It's not important whether he's done that or not now. He knows not to push that far. Even without a physical cheat, this has deteriorated your relationship to this point already, and you've said at times you think it's beyond repair.
If I were you, I'd go with my gut on this. I know you have children. I know you probably think you all need him in your life, but find your way out. Do it civilly. Staying "for the kids" is an excuse that will kill both of you. Your kids want your attention, not to see you frazzled about their dad who's so miserable that he's sneaking off to imagine relationships with other women. They need 2 happy parents, even if those parents aren't together.0 -
I see dating advice on this forum, so here goes! What would you do if your significant other was caught on a dating site multiple times and you found out every single time and it happened again afterwards? Even if there was no real activity besides answered questions? Oh and constantly clears out history and changes passwords non-stop. AND we have children.
Ouch. That has to be tough to endure.
The fact that it keeps happening is a huge red flag..0 -
Cliches that are true. Winners never quit; quitters never win. Once a Cheater always a cheater. Ask a liar a question and what's he gonna do? He's gonna lie. The man has destroyed your trust. Trust can be repaired, BUT it will take a great deal of effort and time. If you want to save the relationship see a therapist, first alone and then as a couple. GOOD LUCK!!!0
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I have to agree with BB here.Two main reasons why guys cheat
1) his needs are not being met at home
2) he is a "notch carver" and is always looking for someone new.
#1 can be worked out.
#2 can't.
End of story.
yes, and sounds like it's #1 based on everything given so far and the fact that he isn't allowed to look at videos of other women online0 -
You know exactly what you should do!!! Just do it...0
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#3 they don't have the balls to fix it or walk away. Deception can never be worked out.Two main reasons why guys cheat
1) his needs are not being met at home
2) he is a "notch carver" and is always looking for someone new.
#1 can be worked out.
#2 can't.
End of story.0 -
I'm with Summertime_girl here. I'm fine with porn. My guy can do what he wants with vids and his own hands, but not on dating websites especially multiple times.0
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SO more info to clarify. I found out there was no real activity on his dating profiles, because well, I found them and accessed them and looked around, he had 2 profiles in the span of our relationship that appeared to have just answered questions, everything else was blank. Another one was the same account we met on years before, I found that profile and it showed his last log in was about a month after one of our children was first born. I confronted him about it, said I wanted the password - he gave it to me after he already accessed it first (he was at work), it seemed messages were deleted...He also has an issue with watching porn, I know most men do, but I discussed this with him that I was not okay with it, and he agreed not to, and still went along with it behind my back. I do know he never physically cheated on me - but I do want to make things work, but at times I feel like it is beyond repair. Thank you for the advice.
Everyone will tell you porn is okay. Its not. It can be an addiction as well. If he isnt willing to get help then leave him. Its scary, but its the right thing to do. And get counseling for yourself. It wont be easy,0 -
This is patently wrong. Consuming pornography does not inherently lead to "addiction", nor is it inherently harmful to relationships. Pornography consumption is, in fact, okay (especially if it's something that both you and your partner are comfortable with). Fear-mongering (based upon a visceral reaction) and comparing pornography consumption to infidelity are not okay.Everyone will tell you porn is okay. Its not. It can be an addiction as well. If he isnt willing to get help then leave him. Its scary, but its the right thing to do. And get counseling for yourself. It wont be easy,0 -
This is patently wrong. Consuming pornography does not inherently lead to "addiction", nor is it inherently harmful to relationships. Pornography consumption is, in fact, okay (especially if it's something that both you and your partner are comfortable with). Fear-mongering (based upon a visceral reaction) and comparing pornography consumption to infidelity are not okay.Everyone will tell you porn is okay. Its not. It can be an addiction as well. If he isnt willing to get help then leave him. Its scary, but its the right thing to do. And get counseling for yourself. It wont be easy,
What SHE said!^ Watching porn does not equal addiction. There are sex addicts out there... Does that mean everyone should stop having sex?0
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