why am i lying to myself?

i need help understanding why i keep reverting back to old, bad bad habits.

hiding snacks from my boyfriend. cheating by getting a junior chicken and not logging it, knowing ill be over calories if i do. i bought cookies from the dollar store the other day - why would i do that when i know my goals and how to reach them?

these habits (or whatever) are what brought me to my highest weight - a scary 244lbs - last year. i am desperate to not repeat history, and yet i keep letting it happen. i remember a few years back, my mom was watching oprah (naturally) and one of the things she (or dr phil, or oz, or whomever) said was 'why do you keep breaking the promise to yourself?' and that has really stuck with me.. but.. i keep breaking the promise. why?

how do you keep your promises to yourself? what (helpful, please) advise would you offer me?

For me you hit the proverbial nail on the head when you called it "lying" because the thing about the food demon in our head is to recognize the lies. You know the lie that begins with "eat because you've been feeling lonely and this ice cream will really help", or the one that says "may as finish this pizza because you already ate 3 pieces", or I'm just too tired to fix dinner tonight so fast food it is", or the really big lie " I'll just eat everything I want and start my diet tomorrow". Oh there are so many lies and my own ability to deceive myself astounds me. I would lie and tell myself that the constant severe pain I was in was not related to my obesity. I lied and told myself that since I was so disabled I couldn't exercise and of course I couldn't lose any weight being sedentary. Then there was the lie that it just wasn't my fault because being obese was genetic. My best lie though was the one that got me every time and it played constantly in my head and it went like this. "Food is my best friend and it never lets me down" Well, thank God I finally saw through the lie and I admitted that I was own worst enemy. It wasn't the RA that had helped cripple me, nor was it the heart disease and apnea that threatened my life everyday. Nope, it was my refusal to accept personal responsibility for my own health. I wanted my food fix and I wanted my doctors to fix me. Crazy as hell, eh? I had a wake-up at 339 pounds when I'd been housebound for more than 2 years and I tried to get a surgeon to replace my right knee. It hurt so bad that if I could have it amputated I would have considered it...seriousy. The first surgeon I went to said to me "Your weight is killing you". I actually looked at his face move from concern to astonishment when I replied, "I know". I went home and thought about this and even then I denied and lied for another 6 months until another surgeon referred me to a bariatric surgeon. I thought that perhaps that was a new chance for me and so I began the 6 month journey required by my insurance company before they would approve the surgery. I began a new mantra in my head that began to compete with the lie. The new mantra was a prayer really, a plea for strength to fight for my own life. One day at a time, one meal at a time I fought the lie. I made it through the holidays and I began to feel hope. At the end of the 6 months the bariatric surgeon told me I was rejected for the "sleeve" because of too many co-morbidities, but the good news was that I had lost 50 pounds. I just kept doing what I had been doing for 6 months, logging in several times a day to MFP, logging my food, substituting high calorie food for low calorie foods, eliminating completely the things I could not resist, and reading the many success stories I found here. Today I'm 118 pounds down and still putting one foot in front of the other. The lie still plays in my head but now I am more conscious ot it. I finally had my knee replaced last month and even the post surgery pain was a relief compared to before. I'm dong great in rehab and I'm off all heart meds except one, I breathe so much easier and my GERD is under control as well. I am no longer killing myself but I am living to keep on living. I'm also not arrogant enough to believe that I have it under control. Nope, I'm still vulnerable, but the difference is that I'm putting up a fight, resisting the lie, and some days I don't hear it at all.

For me you hit the proverbial nail on the head when you called it "lying" because the thing about the food demon in our head is to recognize the lies. You know the lie that begins with "eat because you've been feeling lonely and this ice cream will really help", or the one that says "may as finish this pizza because you already ate 3 pieces", or I'm just too tired to fix dinner tonight so fast food it is", or the really big lie " I'll just eat everything I want and start my diet tomorrow". Oh there are so many lies and my own ability to deceive myself astounds me. I would lie and tell myself that the constant severe pain I was in was not related to my obesity. I lied and told myself that since I was so disabled I couldn't exercise and of course I couldn't lose any weight being sedentary. Then there was the lie that it just wasn't my fault because being obese was genetic. My best lie though was the one that got me every time and it played constantly in my head and it went like this. "Food is my best friend and it never lets me down" Well, thank God I finally saw through the lie and I admitted that I was own worst enemy. It wasn't the RA that had helped cripple me, nor was it the heart disease and apnea that threatened my life everyday. Nope, it was my refusal to accept personal responsibility for my own health. I wanted my food fix and I wanted my doctors to fix me. Crazy as hell, eh? I had a wake-up at 339 pounds when I'd been housebound for more than 2 years and I tried to get a surgeon to replace my right knee. It hurt so bad that if I could have it amputated I would have considered it...seriousy. The first surgeon I went to said to me "Your weight is killing you". I actually looked at his face move from concern to astonishment when I replied, "I know". I went home and thought about this and even then I denied and lied for another 6 months until another surgeon referred me to a bariatric surgeon. I thought that perhaps that was a new chance for me and so I began the 6 month journey required by my insurance company before they would approve the surgery. I began a new mantra in my head that began to compete with the lie. The new mantra was a prayer really, a plea for strength to fight for my own life. One day at a time, one meal at a time I fought the lie. I made it through the holidays and I began to feel hope. At the end of the 6 months the bariatric surgeon told me I was rejected for the "sleeve" because of too many co-morbidities, but the good news was that I had lost 50 pounds. I just kept doing what I had been doing for 6 months, logging in several times a day to MFP, logging my food, substituting high calorie food for low calorie foods, eliminating completely the things I could not resist, and reading the many success stories I found here. Today I'm 118 pounds down and still putting one foot in front of the other. The lie still plays in my head but now I am more conscious ot it. I finally had my knee replaced last month and even the post surgery pain was a relief compared to before. I'm dong great in rehab and I'm off all heart meds except one, I breathe so much easier and my GERD is under control as well. I am no longer killing myself but I am living to keep on living. I'm also not arrogant enough to believe that I have it under control. Nope, I'm still vulnerable, but the difference is that I'm putting up a fight, resisting the lie, and some days I don't hear it at all.