Loved ones setting you up for failure!
DevSanchez
Posts: 314 Member
Totally need to vent! Seeking a bit of advice too. My best friend has recently joined my gym to get in shape. Although she doesn't quite need to lose as much as me she has her own goals. I typically hit the gym 3-5 days weekly. My workouts are usually an 1-2 long. I figured ok great my friend can help motivate me and we can push one another. AWESOME! not. She always says she wants to go and then changes her mind once I've met up with her. She then gets upset with me when I tell her I'm going anyways. One the rare occasion she does hit the gym with me I feel like I'm holding myself back for her. I.e.- today she insisted on only doing 10min. cycling and spent maybe 10min on weight training. I cant help but feel confused at how to approach the situation. I don't want to hurt her feelings but I can't risk slacking and letting myself slip back to old habits. Oh, and did I mention SHE stopped at DUNKIN DONUTS on the way home! (I avoided them at all costs). I don;t want to avoid people and know they aren't intentionally putting me in these situations but its a struggle already and she isnt making it any easier!
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Go by yourself, workout as long as you want. Dont worry about her. She isnt worrying about you.0
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Ohhh I know how you feel all too well. My younger sister tried doing the 30 Day Shred with me. It was great for about the first 10 minutes, then she wanted to pause every couple of minutes because she just wasn't that into pushing herself. We then tried jogging together, and the same thing happened. I found myself slowing down and not jogging for as long because she wouldn't keep up. (Note how I say wouldn't instead of couldn't - she's very able bodied, just not as committed.)
When I was in your situation, OP, I politely "broke up" with my exercise companion. Just explain to her that you both have very different goals and it's super important to you that you meet your goals. Try to avoid saying anything that may imply she isn't exactly meeting your standards - just leave it at a "no fault" sort of thing.0 -
Go by yourself, workout as long as you want. Dont worry about her. She isnt worrying about you.
So right. I usually end up going by myself anyways. I work harder and do what I want without a worry about time or anything else. Just dont want to hurt her feelings.0 -
I agree with Karissa. This is your life and your weight loss journey, "break up" with her. If she really cared about you she would just let you do what you need to do. You're better off by yourself so you can stay as long as you want, and no tempting DD on the way home. Good for you, also, for recognizing this is a problem, and for looking for ways to resolve it!0
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Thanks for the advice! I totally know the whole wouldn't and couldn't thing. I find myself slowing down so she doesnt feel left behind.Ohhh I know how you feel all too well. My younger sister tried doing the 30 Day Shred with me. It was great for about the first 10 minutes, then she wanted to pause every couple of minutes because she just wasn't that into pushing herself. We then tried jogging together, and the same thing happened. I found myself slowing down and not jogging for as long because she wouldn't keep up. (Note how I say wouldn't instead of couldn't - she's very able bodied, just not as committed.)
When I was in your situation, OP, I politely "broke up" with my exercise companion. Just explain to her that you both have very different goals and it's super important to you that you meet your goals. Try to avoid saying anything that may imply she isn't exactly meeting your standards - just leave it at a "no fault" sort of thing.0 -
I agree with Karissa. This is your life and your weight loss journey, "break up" with her. If she really cared about you she would just let you do what you need to do. You're better off by yourself so you can stay as long as you want, and no tempting DD on the way home. Good for you, also, for recognizing this is a problem, and for looking for ways to resolve it!
Thanks guys. I guess Ill have to chit chat with her about it tomorrow. Geez, I havent had a breakup speech since highschool. Wish me luck LOL0 -
I agree with Karissa. This is your life and your weight loss journey, "break up" with her. If she really cared about you she would just let you do what you need to do. You're better off by yourself so you can stay as long as you want, and no tempting DD on the way home. Good for you, also, for recognizing this is a problem, and for looking for ways to resolve it!
Thanks guys. I guess Ill have to chit chat with her about it tomorrow. Geez, I havent had a breakup speech since highschool. Wish me luck LOL
Good luck, OP! I'm sure it'll all turn out fine
Remember that's normal to grieve after the separation and all that good stuff. Maybe through in a "it's not you, it's me" or "we can still be friends!" just for the complete effect.0 -
I am sorry but I am tough love, your going to have to face D&D sooner or later. My husband is a JUNK FOOD FIEND and eats it all the time and in front of me. I had to fight myself to make enough willpower to understand I don't need that junk. I understand that seems harsh to hear, but when you go to BBQ in the summer or out with friends and such...they are not going to eat healthy just because your trying to stay away from things. I myself will look at calories and fat and sugar in items if I know my husband and I are going out to eat, as this information turns me off from wanting to eat certain foods.
I also agree with not letting yourself fall victim to her saying she is going to workout and not doing it.. Don't worry about hurting her feelings as if she is a true friend she will get over it. I normally tell my friends what I am doing at the gym and they can do the same or do there own thing and we will meet up later. This way I am not worried about what they can or cannot do and we both get a great workout. Looking to have her motivation push you is a red flag as well...if anything she might drag your good vibes and workouts down because she is not as invested in losing weight as you are. You keep going and pushing, you got this 0 -
Does your gym offer classes? They may seem hokey, BUT, if you do want that friend time and get a workout, do a Body Pump, Yoga, Zumba, etc etc ONCE A WEEK or so. That way, it has it's own pace and if she wants to leave, let her. But her slowness and want to change machines every 10 minutes won't be an issue
I used to go to the gym with my sis and a friend and that's the only way we could all do something together. We giggled and had fun during the class, so we did get to bond while sweating :laugh:0 -
If this really is your best friend, you might want to compromise, especially if she's not in as good shape as you are and she tires easily. If the gym has a spa, maybe she could work out with you for a while and relax in the spa, while you finish your workout. Or you could arrive at different times, so you get in a good workout and then spend time chatting with her while she works out and you cool down.
It's not cool to agree to go to the gym, then back out and pout when you say you're still going. I would gently point that out to her. You might also point out that 10 minutes of moderate cycling burns maybe 60-80 calories, and a DD donut is 250-500 calories (a chocolate glazed cake one is 370, according to their website). So if she bikes for 10 minutes, she's entitled to 1 plain cake munchkin (60 calories).
But if you work out the bit about backing out and stopping for donuts afterwards, you still might enjoy spending 1 day a week at the gym together. Maybe if you keep it up, she'll get the bug and start to challenge herself more.
It's not really an analogous situation, but my wife and I both enjoy cycling. I am a much faster cyclist than her, so if we bike together, I don't get much of a workout. But it's fun to explore together, she gets a good workout, and we enjoy one another's company. If I haven't had a good workout in a while, I'll ride with her for a couple hours and then do some intervals, or drop her off at home and do a little bit more myself.0 -
Great advice.Does your gym offer classes? They may seem hokey, BUT, if you do want that friend time and get a workout, do a Body Pump, Yoga, Zumba, etc etc ONCE A WEEK or so. That way, it has it's own pace and if she wants to leave, let her. But her slowness and want to change machines every 10 minutes won't be an issue
I used to go to the gym with my sis and a friend and that's the only way we could all do something together. We giggled and had fun during the class, so we did get to bond while sweating :laugh:0 -
Ohhh I know how you feel all too well. My younger sister tried doing the 30 Day Shred with me. It was great for about the first 10 minutes, then she wanted to pause every couple of minutes because she just wasn't that into pushing herself. We then tried jogging together, and the same thing happened. I found myself slowing down and not jogging for as long because she wouldn't keep up. (Note how I say wouldn't instead of couldn't - she's very able bodied, just not as committed.)
When I was in your situation, OP, I politely "broke up" with my exercise companion. Just explain to her that you both have very different goals and it's super important to you that you meet your goals. Try to avoid saying anything that may imply she isn't exactly meeting your standards - just leave it at a "no fault" sort of thing.
Sigh, unfortunately for me, I'm in a similar situation but worse - my exercise companion that won't push himself is my husband. The breakup speech is a little more awkward in this scenario! But this post makes me realize it needs to happen.0 -
I am sorry but I am tough love, your going to have to face D&D sooner or later. My husband is a JUNK FOOD FIEND and eats it all the time and in front of me. I had to fight myself to make enough willpower to understand I don't need that junk. I understand that seems harsh to hear, but when you go to BBQ in the summer or out with friends and such...they are not going to eat healthy just because your trying to stay away from things. I myself will look at calories and fat and sugar in items if I know my husband and I are going out to eat, as this information turns me off from wanting to eat certain foods.
I also agree with not letting yourself fall victim to her saying she is going to workout and not doing it.. Don't worry about hurting her feelings as if she is a true friend she will get over it. I normally tell my friends what I am doing at the gym and they can do the same or do there own thing and we will meet up later. This way I am not worried about what they can or cannot do and we both get a great workout. Looking to have her motivation push you is a red flag as well...if anything she might drag your good vibes and workouts down because she is not as invested in losing weight as you are. You keep going and pushing, you got this
I appreciate your candor. It isnt the eating in front of me, or the unhealthy food surrounding me that bothers me. I find myself easily deterred from it as my end goal is more important to me. Im just somewhat of a pushover and want to avoid letting her down I guess. I do however understand my healthy and happiness is much more important that temporarily hurting her feelings. Just needed a good vent to neutral people. thank you.0 -
I was in a similar situation once. I told my workout buddy that I would meet her at the class rather than beforehand. If she didn't show up I could still go and do it on my own. She stopped showing up so often that I stopped telling her when I was going. Maybe that's *****y, but it worked for us.0
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If this really is your best friend, you might want to compromise, especially if she's not in as good shape as you are and she tires easily. If the gym has a spa, maybe she could work out with you for a while and relax in the spa, while you finish your workout. Or you could arrive at different times, so you get in a good workout and then spend time chatting with her while she works out and you cool down.
It's not cool to agree to go to the gym, then back out and pout when you say you're still going. I would gently point that out to her. You might also point out that 10 minutes of moderate cycling burns maybe 60-80 calories, and a DD donut is 250-500 calories (a chocolate glazed cake one is 370, according to their website). So if she bikes for 10 minutes, she's entitled to 1 plain cake munchkin (60 calories).
But if you work out the bit about backing out and stopping for donuts afterwards, you still might enjoy spending 1 day a week at the gym together. Maybe if you keep it up, she'll get the bug and start to challenge herself more.
It's not really an analogous situation, but my wife and I both enjoy cycling. I am a much faster cyclist than her, so if we bike together, I don't get much of a workout. But it's fun to explore together, she gets a good workout, and we enjoy one another's company. If I haven't had a good workout in a while, I'll ride with her for a couple hours and then do some intervals, or drop her off at home and do a little bit more myself.
Very good advice thank you! You are 100% right0 -
Ohhh I know how you feel all too well. My younger sister tried doing the 30 Day Shred with me. It was great for about the first 10 minutes, then she wanted to pause every couple of minutes because she just wasn't that into pushing herself. We then tried jogging together, and the same thing happened. I found myself slowing down and not jogging for as long because she wouldn't keep up. (Note how I say wouldn't instead of couldn't - she's very able bodied, just not as committed.)
When I was in your situation, OP, I politely "broke up" with my exercise companion. Just explain to her that you both have very different goals and it's super important to you that you meet your goals. Try to avoid saying anything that may imply she isn't exactly meeting your standards - just leave it at a "no fault" sort of thing.
Sigh, unfortunately for me, I'm in a similar situation but worse - my exercise companion that won't push himself is my husband. The breakup speech is a little more awkward in this scenario! But this post makes me realize it needs to happen.
You can do it, awkward or not, I have faith in you! 0 -
That's why I run on my own. Only person to convince is me, only one to apologize to is my aging dog who can't come along.
Since i started cycling for cross training, DH has been a bit miffed, that's HIS sport after all, and he's currently benched with pneumonia, so its mostly frustration talking. No chance of us going cycling together though. Ever.
I'd treat it as if your friend is going to a separate gym. Do your thing and meet her for shopping/coffee after. Or she can meet you at the gym (just before you're done) for a light cool down and stretching
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I joined the gym as my friend said she needed a workout buddy and we would motivate each other. She works and I am not right now. She often backs out of planned exercise at last minute which frustrates me as I have no vehicle and if she told me earlier I could have taken the bus and saved on cab fees. I didn't think I could go alone at first and it slowed me down but then I went and find I actually prefer it to when I go with her. I take the bus during the day and save money that way. I can relate to someone backing out on you!0
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Tell your friend that you'll be at the gym during a certain time doing a specific routine
and that she's welcome to join you. End of conversation.
If she offers an alternative plan, just say no.
If she does come to join you but decides to quit early, let her go.
Eventually she'll realize that you're not an ideal partner for her.
Scheduled fitness classes can be very social and fun but personal workouts differ.
When people ask to join me for a swim I agree, but once I explain my routine it no longer appeals to them.
My girl friend is an avid walker and I enjoy walking with the indoor track with her.
Unfortunately I don't have as much stamina so I end up sitting out a few laps then rejoining her.
I certainly wouldn't ask a friend to alter their scheduled routine to accommodate me. If I did ask, I'm sure the answer would be no. Most people have busy lifestyles and limited time to accomplish their fitness goals so they don't like to be distracted.
Look around the gym and count how many people are wearing headphones while exercising.0 -
I don't work out with other people for that reason--I like to really hit the gym hard. I love working out! And haven't found anyone who likes to match my pace on a regular basis. My one friend and I go to yoga class once a week (I do the elliptical 30-40 minutes beforehand), so that's worked out as a good compromise for us. Is that a possibility for you? Maybe your friend really isn't into working out, but wanted to spend time with you. A class could be a good structured way to get together and be healthy. And you can each throw yourselves into the class with whatever intensity suits you both as individuals.
Funny story ... my friend wanted to lift with me and we went together. Early on, some weights slipped and banged into my hand. It kinda hurt, I figured I gave it a good knock. I kept on working out and avoided stuff using that hand. She was ready to go long before I was. Finally, I agreed to wrap it up, but I still wasn't done. Turns out my hand was broken (broke two bones in my hand). That's my example of why I don't work out with other people--worked out with a broken hand for 45 minutes and she was ready to leave way before i was. 0 -
Fitness and success is all about you. It's not about anyone else, you can't help her achieve her goals if she doesn't want to do it for herself. If you lose a friend so what, you gain confidence in yourself and you lose weight. I personally like going alone cuz I get more done. If she stops being your friend then it's not her fault. You tried to make an effort but it didn't work because she didn't put in the time and effort.0
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I don't work out with other people for that reason--I like to really hit the gym hard. I love working out! And haven't found anyone who likes to match my pace on a regular basis. My one friend and I go to yoga class once a week (I do the elliptical 30-40 minutes beforehand), so that's worked out as a good compromise for us. Is that a possibility for you? Maybe your friend really isn't into working out, but wanted to spend time with you. A class could be a good structured way to get together and be healthy. And you can each throw yourselves into the class with whatever intensity suits you both as individuals.
Funny story ... my friend wanted to lift with me and we went together. Early on, some weights slipped and banged into my hand. It kinda hurt, I figured I gave it a good knock. I kept on working out and avoided stuff using that hand. She was ready to go long before I was. Finally, I agreed to wrap it up, but I still wasn't done. Turns out my hand was broken (broke two bones in my hand). That's my example of why I don't work out with other people--worked out with a broken hand for 45 minutes and she was ready to leave way before i was.
So true. I've been dealing with shin splints since I've upped my cardio. I've been doing elliptical and cycling instead of treadmill since its lower impact but my shins still are killing me not to mention Im so much more overweight than her and she is ALWAYS ready to go long before I. We will have the "breakup" convo soon enough. I love just popping my headphones in and going at my own pace. No one can motivate me as well as me!0 -
Fitness and success is all about you. It's not about anyone else, you can't help her achieve her goals if she doesn't want to do it for herself. If you lose a friend so what, you gain confidence in yourself and you lose weight. I personally like going alone cuz I get more done. If she stops being your friend then it's not her fault. You tried to make an effort but it didn't work because she didn't put in the time and effort.
Couldnt agree more. Thank you for your straight forward honesty. Im somewhat of a pushover and the tough love is something I just need to do! In the end my health and happiness trumps all.0 -
Ohhh I know how you feel all too well. My younger sister tried doing the 30 Day Shred with me. It was great for about the first 10 minutes, then she wanted to pause every couple of minutes because she just wasn't that into pushing herself. We then tried jogging together, and the same thing happened. I found myself slowing down and not jogging for as long because she wouldn't keep up. (Note how I say wouldn't instead of couldn't - she's very able bodied, just not as committed.)
When I was in your situation, OP, I politely "broke up" with my exercise companion. Just explain to her that you both have very different goals and it's super important to you that you meet your goals. Try to avoid saying anything that may imply she isn't exactly meeting your standards - just leave it at a "no fault" sort of thing.
Sigh, unfortunately for me, I'm in a similar situation but worse - my exercise companion that won't push himself is my husband. The breakup speech is a little more awkward in this scenario! But this post makes me realize it needs to happen.
You can do it, awkward or not, I have faith in you!
haha me too...the "break up" speach didn't happen I just continued working out and he stopped...whatever...if he isn't worried about me benching more than him so be it...
As for other workout buddies that are like that they are not setting you up for failure they are setting themselves up for failure...what you do it on you...not them.
Just keep going to the gym, doing your workout and if your friend chooses to join you then so be it...you are your own person and this is your weight loss not anyone elses.
As for what she does for a workout vs you...that is eh as well. When I was working out with my husband he did his thing and I did mine...0 -
work out by yourself…
whenever my friends are like "we should work out together" I just say thanks bro, but I work out better by myself..which is true…also, they are probably not on the same level as me so I do not feel like having to explain every single thing that I am doing and what the benefit is and I really do not like talking while I work out….0 -
Oh my word! That makes her such a bad person going into Dunkin' Donuts.....0
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Plan your own workouts, routines. Tell her to let you know if/when she wants you to meet her at the gym and don't say another word on the matter. If she wants your help she can then ask for it. And instead of her bringing you down, you can count those sessions (if they happen at all) as extra light workouts for yourself.
I don't expect family, friends to all be on the same page as me. It doesn't bother me if they bring treats in, because its my choice whether or not I eat them. (Last night I did consider - but decided against leftover donuts.) This will never work if I must avoid every temptation in order to succeed - because temptations will always be out there. And sometimes I'll have a little, sometimes I won't.0 -
I meet up with one of my MFP friends at the gym for 5am workouts on weekdays, but we each do our own thing once we get there and don't really see eachother, aside from a short warmup on the treadmill. It's nice because we each have someone waiting there for us at 5am, so it definitely makes me less likely to bail out and skip a workout, but I am still working out alone.0
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Just make it clear that you're working out and she is welcome to join, but that it is your plan for the day. If she isn't interested in working out, schedule a separate time to hangout sans workout. Something like, "You're welcome to join me on Thursday. I'll be pushing myself really hard. If you don't want to go to the gym, we can do lunch/a movie/mani pedis next Tuesday." That way if she craps out on the workout, you don't have to let her drag you to dunkin donuts.
Don't feel like you have to hold back there either. If she hops off the bike after 10 minutes and says, "Wanna go lift weights?" You can just say, "I need to finish [goal] first, I'll meet you over there after."
If your gym offers any classes, that could be a fun thing to do with her. In a class, the instructor picks the pace and activities and you look weird for leaving prematurely.
It sounds like your friend is not actually ready to commit to wellness. So many people buy some weight loss equipment/outfits/gym memberships and are self congratulatory just for taking "the first step."0 -
Just make it clear that you're working out and she is welcome to join, but that it is your plan for the day. If she isn't interested in working out, schedule a separate time to hangout sans workout.
I was thinking sort of along the same lines.
Be honest with your friend. Tell her that her workouts aren't really workouts, they're an excuse to socialize. And while you love to socialize, your workouts have to come first if you're going to meet your goals. Tell her you're going to do your workout with or without her, then ask if she'd like to get together before or after your workout, and whether she wants to hang out together at the gym or someplace else.0
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