Not getting the attention you want from your SO?
Replies
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Bleh I feel the same
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I think it is a big problem in your relationship to be honest. Deal breaker serious. I know that a lot of people will disagree with me on that.
All I know, is I was in a marriage in the past that had no romance and we shouldn't have even been together. Our sex drives didn't match for one thing. I truly believe that my ex was never all that attracted to me and did not care when I lost or gained weight, it did nothing to impact his attraction (or the lack of). I truly believe that even after losing 120 lb he wouldn't have complimented me any more frequently or been any more into me or desiring of physical affection and intimacy.
On the other hand, I am now married to a man whose attraction and drive is equal to (if not higher than! yay!) my own and it is freaking awesome. When I met him I weighed 270 and now I weigh 186. There has really been NO change in his compliments and desire of me, seriously. He compliments my body now but he did so just as much when we met. It makes me feel awesome and I believe it is part of the reason I've gotten healthier. BECAUSE of it...not seeking more attention or approval from him.
My husband is most definitely attracted to me. Our sex life is great. He just doesn't compliment me often. Fishing for compliments does not work. I have to ask for them directly.0 -
I think it is a big problem in your relationship to be honest. Deal breaker serious. I know that a lot of people will disagree with me on that.
All I know, is I was in a marriage in the past that had no romance and we shouldn't have even been together. Our sex drives didn't match for one thing. I truly believe that my ex was never all that attracted to me and did not care when I lost or gained weight, it did nothing to impact his attraction (or the lack of). I truly believe that even after losing 120 lb he wouldn't have complimented me any more frequently or been any more into me or desiring of physical affection and intimacy.
On the other hand, I am now married to a man whose attraction and drive is equal to (if not higher than! yay!) my own and it is freaking awesome. When I met him I weighed 270 and now I weigh 186. There has really been NO change in his compliments and desire of me, seriously. He compliments my body now but he did so just as much when we met. It makes me feel awesome and I believe it is part of the reason I've gotten healthier. BECAUSE of it...not seeking more attention or approval from him.
My husband is most definitely attracted to me. Our sex life is great. He just doesn't compliment me often. Fishing for compliments does not work. I have to ask for them directly.
I was writing to the OP, not in response to you (or I would have quoted your post). To me the OP sounds like it's not just compliments she is lacking, but an overall interest and participation in affection, sex, desire, physical attraction to her, etc.0 -
Just sayin' again, if an SO ain't gettin' any, they probably aren't going to be that interested in other quests their partner is pursuing.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
Thanks to those who tried to be helpful in your replies, it is VERY much appreciated and has given me a lot of different ways to think about things and helpful suggestions... that was what I hoped I'd get out of my post. I just wanted to get an outsiders perspective on things before I went talking to my SO about this. I figured that way if the problem was all in my head, my own mindset etc, I could work on that and not bother him with my petty insecurities and risk an argument or tension over this. I've never been one to be whiny or needlessly naggy with him and I don't intend on changing that. As for the breast comments goes or people saying I posted for attention or compliments, that is the furthest from the truth. I would just go on a flaunt thread and not pour my heart and relationship problems out on a post and make an idiot out of myself in desperate attempt to get some clarity on things. I have 1 picture of my body in my profile pics, and it's far from an attention grabbing pic compared to others I've seen. I'm not an attention *kitten* and I can't control how I was built, and didn't know how my body would transform during my weight loss. I can't believe some of the really rude messages I've gotten from other women. I am fully supportive of my SO's hobbies and goals and I tell him often how proud I am of him and am very interested when he talks to me about things going on in his life. I'd just like the same in return and to know that he is attracted to me or at least proud of me. I've never been a frequent poster, is there anyway to just delete this post or close the topic? If not, I just want all the condescending *****y messages I've gotten from other women insulting me and calling me an attention *kitten* to stop. It's rude, hurtful, and uncalled for.0
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Just sayin' again, if an SO ain't gettin' any, they probably aren't going to be that interested in other quests their partner is pursuing.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Me initiating sex isn't an issue and never has been regardless of my weight. I take care of his needs and put him first.0 -
Here's a kooky idea then... don't. Take care of your needs, and let him take care of his own. If you're not always there for him, maybe he won't take you for granted. It's worth a try, right?I take care of his needs and put him first.0 -
To me and is.......are two different things.To me the OP sounds like it's not just compliments she is lacking, but an overall interest and participation in affection, sex, desire, physical attraction to her, etc.
This is the worse place to ask for a counseling/therapy session.
uh ok, I honestly have no idea what you're trying to say...and what's more, I could not possibly care less. I just hope the OP finds happiness.0 -
I'm glad many of you had/have great relationships!!!! The ONLY time my ex complimented me was when he wanted some and liked my bewbs... That's the ONLY thing he complimented. Otherwise, he didn't give a *kitten*!
OP... I have nothing but try to communicate & good luck! :flowerforyou:0 -
I found myself in your position a few months ago, OP. It pushed me to a point where I had declining self-esteem and disregard for my husband. You should read the book "The Five Love Languages" and so should your husband. Clearly, your language is Words of Affirmation. So is mine. My husband's love language is Acts of Service.
So basically, I do things for him all the time (Acts of Service) like chores, clothes shopping, fixing dinner, and he always feels loved because that's his love language. He also does things for me all the time, like chores, cares for the baby and the dog, does the grocery shopping, etc., but none of that made me feel loved because that wasn't my love language. He was expressing his love in his love language. He never quite understood why I was down all the time.
Until I told him. That's what you need to do. Just tell him what you need to have in order to feel loved, whether that be compliments, more sex, or whatever. It's important that he gives you love in the way that you feel it best. Once I had this discussion with my husband, our marriage has gotten infinitely better. He's not a wordy person, so I know how hard it is for him sometimes to come forward and actually comment on something.
Anyway, the point is, just talk to him. Tell him what you need. Ask him what he needs. Then both of you--work on meeting those needs.0 -
Have you talked to him about it? He may not realize that he's making you feel that way.
When I started losing weight and working on getting fit, my husband said something along the lines of finally having a hot wife. I just stopped talking and blank stared him. I could see the moment when it hit him as to how I interpreted that statement, his jaw dropped and he said "I didn't mean that the way it sounded!" He had just never commented on my appearance before that he didn't realize how negative he seemed.
Just communicate this to him. If he doesn't at least try to respond better, then you need to dig deeper as to why. He may honestly think that by asking you about your daily goal is being interested in you.0 -
Start observing Steak and BJ days?
Lingerie and martinis?
Espadrilles and short shorts?
Hell, I don't know, as I'm a dude, but somehow my wife has kept me pretty damn giddy at her appearance for more than a couple of decades0 -
My SO just told me she needed time...she wasn't ready, but that she loves me.
Know what that means.
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I found myself in your position a few months ago, OP. It pushed me to a point where I had declining self-esteem and disregard for my husband. You should read the book "The Five Love Languages" and so should your husband. Clearly, your language is Words of Affirmation. So is mine. My husband's love language is Acts of Service.
So basically, I do things for him all the time (Acts of Service) like chores, clothes shopping, fixing dinner, and he always feels loved because that's his love language. He also does things for me all the time, like chores, cares for the baby and the dog, does the grocery shopping, etc., but none of that made me feel loved because that wasn't my love language. He was expressing his love in his love language. He never quite understood why I was down all the time.
Until I told him. That's what you need to do. Just tell him what you need to have in order to feel loved, whether that be compliments, more sex, or whatever. It's important that he gives you love in the way that you feel it best. Once I had this discussion with my husband, our marriage has gotten infinitely better. He's not a wordy person, so I know how hard it is for him sometimes to come forward and actually comment on something.
Anyway, the point is, just talk to him. Tell him what you need. Ask him what he needs. Then both of you--work on meeting those needs.
Look, I'm an *kitten* hat about 80% of the time, so take this as you may, but if my wife came home, dropped a book like that in my lap, and started talking about "love language" I'd be asleep on the couch in minutes. There's a reason stripper poles have become so popular . . .0 -
On the other hand, I am now married to a man whose attraction and drive is equal to (if not higher than! yay!) my own and it is freaking awesome. When I met him I weighed 270 and now I weigh 186. There has really been NO change in his compliments and desire of me, seriously. He compliments my body now but he did so just as much when we met. It makes me feel awesome and I believe it is part of the reason I've gotten healthier. BECAUSE of it...not seeking more attention or approval from him.
That's beautiful.0 -
I found myself in your position a few months ago, OP. It pushed me to a point where I had declining self-esteem and disregard for my husband. You should read the book "The Five Love Languages" and so should your husband. Clearly, your language is Words of Affirmation. So is mine. My husband's love language is Acts of Service.
So basically, I do things for him all the time (Acts of Service) like chores, clothes shopping, fixing dinner, and he always feels loved because that's his love language. He also does things for me all the time, like chores, cares for the baby and the dog, does the grocery shopping, etc., but none of that made me feel loved because that wasn't my love language. He was expressing his love in his love language. He never quite understood why I was down all the time.
Until I told him. That's what you need to do. Just tell him what you need to have in order to feel loved, whether that be compliments, more sex, or whatever. It's important that he gives you love in the way that you feel it best. Once I had this discussion with my husband, our marriage has gotten infinitely better. He's not a wordy person, so I know how hard it is for him sometimes to come forward and actually comment on something.
Anyway, the point is, just talk to him. Tell him what you need. Ask him what he needs. Then both of you--work on meeting those needs.
Look, I'm an *kitten* hat about 80% of the time, so take this as you may, but if my wife came home, dropped a book like that in my lap, and started talking about "love language" I'd be asleep on the couch in minutes. There's a reason stripper poles have become so popular . . .
That's true....just two different ways of someone working on a relationship, taking an active role in caring for and protecting the relationship. I've read that book, and it is very worthwhile to learn how your partner is edified and receives/processes love. VERY WORTHWHILE.
But so is the stripper pole, LOL. I say get the best of both worlds and do both.
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I found myself in your position a few months ago, OP. It pushed me to a point where I had declining self-esteem and disregard for my husband. You should read the book "The Five Love Languages" and so should your husband. Clearly, your language is Words of Affirmation. So is mine. My husband's love language is Acts of Service.
So basically, I do things for him all the time (Acts of Service) like chores, clothes shopping, fixing dinner, and he always feels loved because that's his love language. He also does things for me all the time, like chores, cares for the baby and the dog, does the grocery shopping, etc., but none of that made me feel loved because that wasn't my love language. He was expressing his love in his love language. He never quite understood why I was down all the time.
Until I told him. That's what you need to do. Just tell him what you need to have in order to feel loved, whether that be compliments, more sex, or whatever. It's important that he gives you love in the way that you feel it best. Once I had this discussion with my husband, our marriage has gotten infinitely better. He's not a wordy person, so I know how hard it is for him sometimes to come forward and actually comment on something.
Anyway, the point is, just talk to him. Tell him what you need. Ask him what he needs. Then both of you--work on meeting those needs.
Look, I'm an *kitten* hat about 80% of the time, so take this as you may, but if my wife came home, dropped a book like that in my lap, and started talking about "love language" I'd be asleep on the couch in minutes. There's a reason stripper poles have become so popular . . .
That's true....just two different ways of someone working on a relationship, taking an active role in caring for and protecting the relationship. I've read that book, and it is very worthwhile to learn how your partner is lifted up and receives love. VERY WORTHWHILE.
But so is the stripper pole, LOL. I say get the best of both worlds and do both.
I ALWAYS life my wife up before she receives my love . . .0 -
I wanted to thank everyone again who gave helpful advice. I did talk to him and didn't say anything to nake him defensive or feel as if he has done something wrong, because he hasn't... but he just replied with saying I'm too sensitive and that he's not going to talk about this silly crap. So I guess I will work on not caring if he finds me attractive or is proud of my efforts and just go on about my business doing my own thing. I still see the fat girl when I look in the mirror so input from him occasionally would've felt good and have been nice, but it is what it is. Thanks again everyone.0
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1) Never make a man have to guess what you're thinking or wanting.
2) I'm sorry to say, but it hears like your relationship has some troubling issues.
Best of luck.0 -
Reading that makes me a sad panda.
Those #feelz...
No :huh:0 -
Yeah... that's... not OK. Invalidating your feelings and refusing to discuss something important to you is unacceptable. If that happened in my marriage, my husband would either go to counseling with me to work on those communication skills and learn to treat me with basic human decency, or I would be going to counseling on my own. Whether or not he remained my husband would remain to be seen.I wanted to thank everyone again who gave helpful advice. I did talk to him and didn't say anything to nake him defensive or feel as if he has done something wrong, because he hasn't... but he just replied with saying I'm too sensitive and that he's not going to talk about this silly crap. So I guess I will work on not caring if he finds me attractive or is proud of my efforts and just go on about my business doing my own thing. I still see the fat girl when I look in the mirror so input from him occasionally would've felt good and have been nice, but it is what it is. Thanks again everyone.
Do not allow yourself to be a doormat. That's not the way to garner love or even just respect.0 -
Yeah... that's... not OK. Invalidating your feelings and refusing to discuss something important to you is unacceptable. If that happened in my marriage, my husband would either go to counseling with me to work on those communication skills and learn to treat me with basic human decency, or I would be going to counseling on my own. Whether or not he remained my husband would remain to be seen.I wanted to thank everyone again who gave helpful advice. I did talk to him and didn't say anything to nake him defensive or feel as if he has done something wrong, because he hasn't... but he just replied with saying I'm too sensitive and that he's not going to talk about this silly crap. So I guess I will work on not caring if he finds me attractive or is proud of my efforts and just go on about my business doing my own thing. I still see the fat girl when I look in the mirror so input from him occasionally would've felt good and have been nice, but it is what it is. Thanks again everyone.
Do not allow yourself to be a doormat. That's not the way to garner love or even just respect.
Communication is a two way street, and expecting a man to communicate like a woman is a recipe for disaster. Sure, some guys like counseling and talking about their feelings, many don't. Using phrases like "invalidating your feelings" is a great way to get tuned out for the ball game.0 -
Really? Because my counselor is an older male, was in the navy, kinda traditional country type-guy, and he doesn't seem to have difficulty. I wouldn't so much care if the guy likes counseling. If he refuses to work on an issue and denies that it's even ok for her to be feeling what she's feeling, he needs it, whether he likes it or not.
Yeah... that's... not OK. Invalidating your feelings and refusing to discuss something important to you is unacceptable. If that happened in my marriage, my husband would either go to counseling with me to work on those communication skills and learn to treat me with basic human decency, or I would be going to counseling on my own. Whether or not he remained my husband would remain to be seen.I wanted to thank everyone again who gave helpful advice. I did talk to him and didn't say anything to nake him defensive or feel as if he has done something wrong, because he hasn't... but he just replied with saying I'm too sensitive and that he's not going to talk about this silly crap. So I guess I will work on not caring if he finds me attractive or is proud of my efforts and just go on about my business doing my own thing. I still see the fat girl when I look in the mirror so input from him occasionally would've felt good and have been nice, but it is what it is. Thanks again everyone.
Do not allow yourself to be a doormat. That's not the way to garner love or even just respect.
Communication is a two way street, and expecting a man to communicate like a woman is a recipe for disaster. Sure, some guys like counseling and talking about their feelings, many don't. Using phrases like "invalidating your feelings" is a great way to get tuned out for the ball game.
Believe it or not, not everything can be fixed with steak and a bj. Go back to your game; it won't bother me.0 -
Really? Because my counselor is an older male, was in the navy, kinda traditional country type-guy, and he doesn't seem to have difficulty. I wouldn't so much care if the guy likes counseling. If he refuses to work on an issue and denies that it's even ok for her to be feeling what she's feeling, he needs it, whether he likes it or not.
Yeah... that's... not OK. Invalidating your feelings and refusing to discuss something important to you is unacceptable. If that happened in my marriage, my husband would either go to counseling with me to work on those communication skills and learn to treat me with basic human decency, or I would be going to counseling on my own. Whether or not he remained my husband would remain to be seen.I wanted to thank everyone again who gave helpful advice. I did talk to him and didn't say anything to nake him defensive or feel as if he has done something wrong, because he hasn't... but he just replied with saying I'm too sensitive and that he's not going to talk about this silly crap. So I guess I will work on not caring if he finds me attractive or is proud of my efforts and just go on about my business doing my own thing. I still see the fat girl when I look in the mirror so input from him occasionally would've felt good and have been nice, but it is what it is. Thanks again everyone.
Do not allow yourself to be a doormat. That's not the way to garner love or even just respect.
Communication is a two way street, and expecting a man to communicate like a woman is a recipe for disaster. Sure, some guys like counseling and talking about their feelings, many don't. Using phrases like "invalidating your feelings" is a great way to get tuned out for the ball game.
Believe it or not, not everything can be fixed with steak and a bj. Go back to your game; it won't bother me.
LOL, you found an older male to pay for counseling. Congrats. Counseling doesn't fix everything either. Learning how your SO communicates is important and it can be done without counseling. If someone's first instinct is to run to the internet and counseling because her feelings aren't being properly validated then it seems to me that there is a problem with her. Again, it's a two way street.
I love that my humor offends you. It speaks volumes.0 -
True, and my husband has just reminded me that if there's any sort of abusive nature to this relationship, you need to be *very* careful and have a safety plan for yourself. Times of change are the most dangerous.1) Never make a man have to guess what you're thinking or wanting.
2) I'm sorry to say, but it hears like your relationship has some troubling issues.
Best of luck.
I'm not saying that is the case here; I'm just saying to make sure you have an extensive support network of friends and/or family besides your husband. And that is true in every case.0 -
Where did I say that your humor offends me? Or say that only the husband had things to work on? Or say that counseling fixes everything?
Really? Because my counselor is an older male, was in the navy, kinda traditional country type-guy, and he doesn't seem to have difficulty. I wouldn't so much care if the guy likes counseling. If he refuses to work on an issue and denies that it's even ok for her to be feeling what she's feeling, he needs it, whether he likes it or not.
Yeah... that's... not OK. Invalidating your feelings and refusing to discuss something important to you is unacceptable. If that happened in my marriage, my husband would either go to counseling with me to work on those communication skills and learn to treat me with basic human decency, or I would be going to counseling on my own. Whether or not he remained my husband would remain to be seen.I wanted to thank everyone again who gave helpful advice. I did talk to him and didn't say anything to nake him defensive or feel as if he has done something wrong, because he hasn't... but he just replied with saying I'm too sensitive and that he's not going to talk about this silly crap. So I guess I will work on not caring if he finds me attractive or is proud of my efforts and just go on about my business doing my own thing. I still see the fat girl when I look in the mirror so input from him occasionally would've felt good and have been nice, but it is what it is. Thanks again everyone.
Do not allow yourself to be a doormat. That's not the way to garner love or even just respect.
Communication is a two way street, and expecting a man to communicate like a woman is a recipe for disaster. Sure, some guys like counseling and talking about their feelings, many don't. Using phrases like "invalidating your feelings" is a great way to get tuned out for the ball game.
Believe it or not, not everything can be fixed with steak and a bj. Go back to your game; it won't bother me.
LOL, you found an older male to pay for counseling. Congrats. Counseling doesn't fix everything either. Learning how your SO communicates is important and it can be done without counseling. If someone's first instinct is to run to the internet and counseling because her feelings aren't being properly validated then it seems to me that there is a problem with her. Again, it's a two way street.
I love that my humor offends you. It speaks volumes.0 -
Where did I say that your humor offends me? Or say that only the husband had things to work on? Or say that counseling fixes everything?
Really? Because my counselor is an older male, was in the navy, kinda traditional country type-guy, and he doesn't seem to have difficulty. I wouldn't so much care if the guy likes counseling. If he refuses to work on an issue and denies that it's even ok for her to be feeling what she's feeling, he needs it, whether he likes it or not.
Yeah... that's... not OK. Invalidating your feelings and refusing to discuss something important to you is unacceptable. If that happened in my marriage, my husband would either go to counseling with me to work on those communication skills and learn to treat me with basic human decency, or I would be going to counseling on my own. Whether or not he remained my husband would remain to be seen.I wanted to thank everyone again who gave helpful advice. I did talk to him and didn't say anything to nake him defensive or feel as if he has done something wrong, because he hasn't... but he just replied with saying I'm too sensitive and that he's not going to talk about this silly crap. So I guess I will work on not caring if he finds me attractive or is proud of my efforts and just go on about my business doing my own thing. I still see the fat girl when I look in the mirror so input from him occasionally would've felt good and have been nice, but it is what it is. Thanks again everyone.
Do not allow yourself to be a doormat. That's not the way to garner love or even just respect.
Communication is a two way street, and expecting a man to communicate like a woman is a recipe for disaster. Sure, some guys like counseling and talking about their feelings, many don't. Using phrases like "invalidating your feelings" is a great way to get tuned out for the ball game.
Believe it or not, not everything can be fixed with steak and a bj. Go back to your game; it won't bother me.
LOL, you found an older male to pay for counseling. Congrats. Counseling doesn't fix everything either. Learning how your SO communicates is important and it can be done without counseling. If someone's first instinct is to run to the internet and counseling because her feelings aren't being properly validated then it seems to me that there is a problem with her. Again, it's a two way street.
I love that my humor offends you. It speaks volumes.
misses the irony in an "everything" response to an "everything" statement . . . :flowerforyou:0
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