SERIOUS BINGE EATING PROBLEMS?

Oh man, you are speaking my language. I have tears in my eyes reading your post.

I'm much older than you are and I'm here to strongly encourage you to do whatever you can to make sure you find someone to help. This doesn't go away on its own. I hope something you read here on MFP will help you to move forward without going through the sheer hell this illness can put you through. And, believe me, this IS an illness. It isolates you and becomes your entire focus.

This topic jumped out at me as I have eaten over 17,300 calories in the past three days. I refused to count them at first but sat down and just faced it. I know I missed a few things. I haven't had an episode like this for about a year. Not sure exactly what triggered it. I'm fine today....no impulses or desperation and I don't hate myself. I can just as easily go three or four days and eat almost nothing. There is no rhyme or reason.

I'd like to think my life would have been more normal had someone paid attention to what was going on when I was your age. Perhaps earlier intervention and therapy - I know that the damage I've done to myself is irreversible but you have the benefit of being aware that what you're doing isn't healthy and you are looking for an answer.

Sending strength and hope to you - - and I'm sure you'll find all sorts of people here who will be more than happy to support you. xo

I just want to give you a hug and tell you it's gonna be okay.

Please reach out to someone. Other people have linked you, so I don't need to. Talk to your parents again. Sit them down, and try to convey how serious this is. Maybe they don't know how to handle this. Tell them you need their help. Be adamant. Tell them what you've told us. You need to do some serious healing before you try to get to your goal.

With that said, perhaps when you get a little better you could try weight training instead of starving yourself to get to the goal of being 'thin'? You're cute as a button now (no one wants to be considered cute as a button, sorry!) and you've got nothing to be ashamed of. At all.

OP...this is what I think of you...

On the binge eating OP, I urge you to check out Intermittent Fasting (leangains.com). I am a binge eater myself and this has seriously helped me feel better about how I eat. I fast for about 17 hours and give myself a 7 hour eating window. There's a lot of info out there about it, and I've seen it recommended to binge eaters. It's definitely helped me and I never feel deprived.

I have two daughters (one the same age as you). If you were my daughter you and I would be finding a therapist ASAP. I would be sitting in that waiting room with you and we would work on this together to get you healthy. Like another poster said, I wish I could hug you right now.

The fact that you are closing yourself off from everything you like to do tells me you might also be suffering from some sort of depression as well as an eating disorder. Please seek help. Find a friend or family member who will help you find help. This is not the way you want to spend the rest of your life.

It encourages me to read your posts in that it seems you understand something is wrong and you're seeking advice.

Good luck to you, OP. I hope you find the help you need.

Hey guys, I decided to make a MFP account so i can have some kind of support or someone in a similar matter.. I have no one else to go to so i thought this was my best shot. (This will be long, sorry)

Okay long story short, last year May i was 158 pounds at 5'5. (18 years old, now 19) I didn't HATE my body, i didn't have low self esteem, actually i was extremely confident. But i suffered from social anxiety, i think i was secretly in denial about my weight. Anyway after years of trying to diet (as in i'd last two weeks and give up) i finally stuck to it, somehow, i don't even know how i did it. Growing up i always ate a TON of food, i'm surprised i maintained my weight. My day would be something like this .. 4 Chocolate muffins in milk, tons of chocolate, any meal my mum cooked, whole packet of cookies and nothing even remotely healthy. Never exercised. So how i stuck to this diet still confuses me.

I started eating 500 calories a day, no exercise. I lost weight extremely quickly, i lied to myself saying it was healthy. My body DID feel good but had no energy, and as the weeks progressed i would have to sit down when i felt like i was going to faint. I thought it was worth it though, everyone started complimenting me, i started developing bad body images. For 3 weeks i was on 200 calories a day, i used to brag about it. How in control i was. I wanted to be underweight by that point. In 8-9 weeks i got down to 123 pounds. Then the mean comments started happening, how sick i looked, how unhealthy i looked. People started getting concerned. But i never had so much attention before by guys. I started upping my Cals very slowly so i could avoid weight gain and started exercising. I was planning to reach my goal weight the HEALTHY way. That lasted about oh, um, 1 week. I Binged one day. 4000 calories. I was so scared, i didn't want to be fat again. So i attempted to starve the next day. And that didn't work. I would gain a bit and then lose it. I was consuming so much calories and then starving, over exercising and laxative abuse.

I actually maintained my weight, but i had the LOWEST self esteem, i had to quit my jobs because it was around food and i would eat it and cry. And have serious heart problems because of laxatives. In late November i weighed myself to my surprise i weighed the same, i still thought i was obese at 123 pounds. I thought to myself everyday 'I WILL BE 100 POUNDS' I refused to go to a holiday with my family because it was on the beach. I had the house to myself, i thought now i could really be in control and not be tempted by mums junk food. I threw away every single food in the house. But i couldn't get to bed one day because of hunger. So i decided to binge. I've realised because of this, my binges are very mental. Nothing about taste or emotional problems. I ate DRY PASTA, i ate sugar from the tub. ANYTHING i could find. I ate things that were absolutely disgusting. Unfortunately, i couldn't make up for it. This lasted 3 weeks of serious binging. Easily 5000 cals. I missed out of New years because i was so sad about my weight. I just stayed at home. I wanted to go to university so i could be in control again and move out of home. That's exactly what i did. (Which was 2 months ago), All seemed to be going well, 500 cals, Running one hour a day. I didn't believe the scale when it said i weighed 128 pounds, that was FAR too low for how much i was binging and starving.

Somehow from then and now i have gained 17 pounds. 17 POUNDS!!!!! I weigh 145 pounds now. And i DEFINITELY do. If i thought i looked fat before, imagine now. I quit uni, quit my job, moved back home. I couldn't handle it. I refuse to leave my house, i refuse to see my family and friends. I WON'T see a psychologist because i'm ashamed of someone seeing me at this weight. NONE of my clothes fit me as i threw away my others and i refuse to buy in a bigger size. I'm going overseas in 5 weeks and i really don't want to be at this weight I gained so much weight, by just binging A LOT. And not making up for it, i'd tell myself 'Don't worry you'd make up for it' But i don't. It's like how you say 'Tomorrow i'll start eating healthy' but tomorrow never comes. EXCEPT i'm eating 5000 CALORIES!! I might starve for only one day in the week. I know i can just start eating healthily, but it's so hard for me. I'm very inpatient. But even when i TRY to eat healthy, i BINGE. I read all those binging books, they don't seem to help me.

I'm so angry and upset, i feel like a failure. I'm also upset i've missed out of so much family events because i'm afraid they will think i'm ugly. (I know it's stupid to think this way). I look at old photos of myself and it makes me so sad. Has anyone been in a similar situation? E.g. Lost weight, gained it back. Or serious Binging problems?

I think the main reason why you haven't gained much weight when you think you should, is because you're binging because you're starving. Your body's drive to get fuel, from anywhere it can get it, is overwhelming your attempts to control it.

Let's put your numbers into perspective:

With your stats, you need about 1400 calories per day, just for your body to function, and about 1650 just to sit on the couch all day, doing nothing.

You mentioned that your daily caloric intake was 200-500 calories. That means you're depriving your body of about 1000 calories that it needs just to keep you alive, and another 500 or so more to sustain you doing anything. Do that for even a week, and you've created a caloric debt of over 7000 calories.

So, that 5000 calorie binge? That was just to make up for what you deprived your body.

Do that for months, and it's no wonder you can't stop binging, because by this time, your body isn't only looking to balance the caloric equation (calories in = calories out) while trying to delay the inevitable in this situation (maintain body fat for as long as possible, because once that's gone, if no food source has been found, it's game over), but it's also trying to replenish nutrient stores. After several months of starving yourself, and probably eating crap food with few micronutrients, your stores of things like Vitamin A, B-12, D, Iron, and other nutrients that the body keeps and stores, are nearly depleted.

Once you do start feeding your body (which is what you're doing when you binge, even if it's weird stuff like plain sugar), it's going to go into "prepare for another famine" mode, and store every extra molecule that it can. That's why you gained some weight. Keep in mind, too, that it's not all fat. In fact, probably around half of that wasn't, but was, instead, water and glycogen (the sugar stores your body uses for things like sprinting and other fast-energy needs).

Also, you are not fat, even now, let alone obese. If you can't or won't see medical help, then every time you start to think negative thoughts about your body, remind yourself of that. Say something like "I am at a healthy weight and am beautiful the way I am." Think about the things you like about yourself.

Another thing - step outside. You said you don't want to leave the house. Why? Because people will see you? Okay, and? I'm not trying to be mean, here, but think about what it is that you're afraid of. Are you afraid of people judging you? If so, again think the positive thoughts - you are beautiful (so if they're going to "judge" you, it will likely be positive). Also, most people are thinking more or less the same thing you are, or they're too wrapped up in their own stuff to care. Even if the only thing you do for a while is sit on your front porch or step (or balcony, or whatever) for 5 minutes, then that's progress (and exposure to sunshine, which will help you make Vitamin D, which will, in turn, help you feel better).

As for food - don't focus on how many calories you eat or how few right now. Instead, focus on nourishing your body. Focus on eating real food - apples, broccoli, steak, fish, carrots, etc. Nutrient rich food that will help you be the healthy you that you deserve to be. Be mindful about your body's signals -- eat when you're hungry, take time to enjoy the food, and stop when you feel full (not necessarily when you think you've "eaten too much," the goal here is to get you healthy again).

That said, there's only so much any of us here can do besides offer suggestions, and getting an appointment with your therapist is the best thing you can do, and they can provide a better, more thorough and customized plan for getting you back to a healthy mindset and relationship with food and yourself.