Wow...Really? *VENT*
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xochristianna
Posts: 96 Member
I just got off the phone with my mom...
A little back story, at least once a year for the last 9 years (even before I was overweight) my mom would sit me down and have a conversation about my weight. She has always said that because I am overweight, I will have trouble finding a job, or appearing professional, or having children, or finding a husband, the list goes on and on. She always says it's because she wants me to be healthy and have the best of everything in life...but recently our talks have gotten even more offensive...
The other day she called me and said "I think you know what I want to talk to you about" so I said "Yes, and I'm working on it, so I'd rather we not discuss" and she said "Well...are you doing anything about it?!". When I tried to explain that these conversations were more hindering to my well-being than helpful, she got defensive and said something along the lines of "Well don't you dare blame this on me!".
Needless to say, that conversation didn't go well for either of us. I don't know how to explain to her that these conversations are really hurtful to me, and not at all helpful even if it's done under the guise of love and concern.
Again, tonight, I spoke to her, and I mentioned we would be at the same event tomorrow. She actually had the audacity, after the painful conversation we had last week to say "Well...make sure you look nice." As if I would show up dressed in a trash bag or something. It is just so frustrating to hear her constantly be so critical of my appearance.
As a point of reference, I am a size 14. While nowhere near where I would like to be in terms of weight/dress size, I don't think I have any problems looking put together/professional.
*End rant*
A little back story, at least once a year for the last 9 years (even before I was overweight) my mom would sit me down and have a conversation about my weight. She has always said that because I am overweight, I will have trouble finding a job, or appearing professional, or having children, or finding a husband, the list goes on and on. She always says it's because she wants me to be healthy and have the best of everything in life...but recently our talks have gotten even more offensive...
The other day she called me and said "I think you know what I want to talk to you about" so I said "Yes, and I'm working on it, so I'd rather we not discuss" and she said "Well...are you doing anything about it?!". When I tried to explain that these conversations were more hindering to my well-being than helpful, she got defensive and said something along the lines of "Well don't you dare blame this on me!".
Needless to say, that conversation didn't go well for either of us. I don't know how to explain to her that these conversations are really hurtful to me, and not at all helpful even if it's done under the guise of love and concern.
Again, tonight, I spoke to her, and I mentioned we would be at the same event tomorrow. She actually had the audacity, after the painful conversation we had last week to say "Well...make sure you look nice." As if I would show up dressed in a trash bag or something. It is just so frustrating to hear her constantly be so critical of my appearance.
As a point of reference, I am a size 14. While nowhere near where I would like to be in terms of weight/dress size, I don't think I have any problems looking put together/professional.
*End rant*
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Replies
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Wow... Im sorry that you have been dealing with that. Im a size 13 and it can be very tough to let comments like that roll off you when they are coming from someone who having support from would be such a plus. Trust me I get it. It is hard to try to get someone to see how hurtful they are especially if theyve been doing it for so long and even more frustrating when you dont understand HOW THEY CANT SEE how hurtful those comments are...0
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Wow. You know that she's our of control, in your mind at least. It's hard to not feel it on your heart. Hold your head up, you can do this!0
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Wow, rude! Is your mom a perfect size 5, or what? Whatever happened to loving you for who you are?? You have every right to be mad/frustruated/hurt by these actions.0
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I'm really sorry that Your mother is saying rude and unkind things to You. She should support You and tell You that You look beautiful. For one You are her daughter for two it's what's on the inside that matters (okay easier said than done, I know!) I hope You have fun at the event and I KNOW that You will look stunning! Hugs! Good for You for starting on Your journey of health and fitness!0
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She sounds just as lovely as my mother.0
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You are very pretty and you look GREAT, and forgive me, your mom is being an a**hole.0
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I don't want to diagnose your mother, but sometimes it can help us to understand their dysfunction. She sounds narcissistic to me. It might help if you tried to emotionally detach from her. I don't mean to cut her out. You can have a relationship with her, but you can't count on her emotionally. Don't turn to her for support and learn to tune her out. Try not to put her before yourself. If she gets upset, let her deal with it. A book that I found helpful is, "Why is it always about you" by Sandy Hotchkiss0
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omg i know what ur talking about!!! my mom and grandma used to say the same **** to me... i used to be thin (well 130) and they would make comments like wow ur getting fat and no one is going to marry u... blah blah blah... i had made a comment one day saying "what i cant find a man that loves me for me? if i marry a man that only loves me for my looks ill be i. the same situation that u too are in." u gotta talk to her. and if she doesnt care about what ur saying its time to sit down and look at the bigger picture... dont u want positive people in ur life? why dont u ask her what being in ur life means to her? because her comments r going to mess up ur goals... stay positive and use her stupid comments as motivation... everytime i get tired on the treadmill i think of there stupid comments and it pushes me to the point where i left all my sadness on that treadmill... just be open and honest...0
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THIS!!!!I don't want to diagnose your mother, but sometimes it can help us to understand their dysfunction. She sounds narcissistic to me. It might help if you tried to emotionally detach from her. I don't mean to cut her out. You can have a relationship with her, but you can't count on her emotionally. Don't turn to her for support and learn to tune her out. Try not to put her before yourself. If she gets upset, let her deal with it. A book that I found helpful is, "Why is it always about you" by Sandy Hotchkiss
I have not read this book;
But my mom is yours on steroids - mine has been telling me that I am fat and ugly for as long as I can remember - I am currently down 13 lbs (lowest I have been in 10+ years) and at Easter she asked - at my house in front of all the guests - So how much more have you gained now? in that yucky sarcastic voice... The saving grace is I have done the counseling work I needed to be able to laugh at her and say well, lets see; this year - I have gained a new dog, a new tree, some new friends... at this point I just stopped talking and moved over to visit with other people. She is my mother and I respect her for that I would not be here without her - but my friends are my family and I turn to others for love and support - Does it hurt sure, do I wish it was different, sure - Will I let her define me NO.
Good luck getting through this - there are plenty cheering you on.
PS yes my mom was a working model and at 85 years old is still a perfect size 2.0 -
THIS!!!!I don't want to diagnose your mother, but sometimes it can help us to understand their dysfunction. She sounds narcissistic to me. It might help if you tried to emotionally detach from her. I don't mean to cut her out. You can have a relationship with her, but you can't count on her emotionally. Don't turn to her for support and learn to tune her out. Try not to put her before yourself. If she gets upset, let her deal with it. A book that I found helpful is, "Why is it always about you" by Sandy Hotchkiss
I have not read this book;
But my mom is yours on steroids - mine has been telling me that I am fat and ugly for as long as I can remember - I am currently down 13 lbs (lowest I have been in 10+ years) and at Easter she asked - at my house in front of all the guests - So how much more have you gained now? in that yucky sarcastic voice... The saving grace is I have done the counseling work I needed to be able to laugh at her and say well, lets see; this year - I have gained a new dog, a new tree, some new friends... at this point I just stopped talking and moved over to visit with other people. She is my mother and I respect her for that I would not be here without her - but my friends are my family and I turn to others for love and support - Does it hurt sure, do I wish it was different, sure - Will I let her define me NO.
Good luck getting through this - there are plenty cheering you on.
PS yes my mom was a working model and at 85 years old is still a perfect size 2.
wow i feel ur pain... if shes not proud of u for how good ur doing know that a complete stranger is... its hard work and dedication to lose 10 pounds... u should be very proud...0 -
im 48 and still have the same relationship with my mom. she told me to get a pretty top for an upcoming funeral because "theres gonna be alot of people who you havent seen in a while and you want to look nice." lol the sooner you accept she is who she is and is never gonna give what you want/need the better off you will be.0
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Read this book.0 -
Of course, because if she's never struggled with weight then the people who do struggle are just dysfunctional. Why can't everyone just be as perfect as her.
I'm sorry OP. You're really gonna have to detach. She can't understand this battle and obviously won't try to.0 -
Read this book.
im drfinitely going to buy this book0 -
Wow that sounds horrible, sorry you have to deal with that.
You said you don't know how to tell her how hurtful you find it, if you want her to know maybe you could write a letter or show her this thread/your post?
Just a thought, as it sounds like it's not getting any better and you can do all the 'work' in the world but if the other person is being awful and you need to maintain the relationship sometimes the other person needs to see the effect of their behaviour.
Sorry not got much more to offer you than my sympathy! :flowerforyou:0 -
Being a size 14 shouldn't hinder any of your life goals. If you believe the crap your poor delusional mom is pouring into your ear, however, that might hinder you.0
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Know the feeling - now I'm too skinny - went through that
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A size 14 ... Omg that's nothing!!!
Your mum needs to take a chill pill!!
I think you should book a date in the diary, Take her out for lunch/ girly pamper and talk about how you feel. How her comments are really getting you down & probably not helping your weight loss.
I think once she gets it in her head... She WILL back off!!!
Maybe go for a swim together/ cook healthy meals together... Get her involved in your life, spend more time together?
Im really close with my mum, but sometimes she does say some things that REALLY PISS ME OFF......... I still love her though!
Mums are mums, they will always care & worry about us! xx
BTW - I posted a thread a while back about my mum moaning about my muscles & getting like Jodie Marsh... I don't know if you can pick it up on here???? Similar sort of thing! Peoples comments were like... Your an adult, do what YOU want etc!!
Same sort of thing!! x0 -
Wow - thanks everyone for the overwhelming support. At this point, after breaking down in front of my mom several times, and telling her how much these conversations hurt my confidence, I just don't think she is going to get it. What I need to do is focus on all the people who care about me and will motivate me - both on MFP and IRL. I also need to learn how to tune out the negativity! She can say whatever she wants, but as long as I am happy with my progress and my fitness journey, that is what matters!0
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Wow - thanks everyone for the overwhelming support. At this point, after breaking down in front of my mom several times, and telling her how much these conversations hurt my confidence, I just don't think she is going to get it. What I need to do is focus on all the people who care about me and will motivate me - both on MFP and IRL. I also need to learn how to tune out the negativity! She can say whatever she wants, but as long as I am happy with my progress and my fitness journey, that is what matters!
Good for you! I know it isn't always easy, but your life will be better because of it. I struggled in my relationship with my mother for years. I'm sorry that your mother has treated you this way. Now you can move forward in your own life and have a different kind of relationship with your mother. It's time for her to let you go, even though she won't get that.0
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