Why honesty is not always the best policy...

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  • dlionsmane
    dlionsmane Posts: 673 Member
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    Here's a thought... if the scope of what she wants or deems necessary for it to 'be a good time' is beyond what her friends and family can comfortably provide then SHE should pitch in. I would never ask my friends to go broke to throw me a party for petes sake. What a tosser....
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    Oh, dear. I would politely back out of being a bridesmaid.

    I'm sorry you're dealing with that.
  • MSeel1984
    MSeel1984 Posts: 2,297 Member
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    Here's a thought... if the scope of what she wants or deems necessary for it to 'be a good time' is beyond what her friends and family can comfortably provide then SHE should pitch in. I would never ask my friends to go broke to throw me a party for petes sake. What a tosser....

    Well the other problem is that her parents set a budget for her wedding, but it wasn't enough...so she and her fiancee are pitching in more money for the wedding-so that is stressing her out. She's going overboard on everything and then getting stressed about it. I'm too afraid to ask her for money for this because this is how she reacted to this situation...by not talking to me.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    I thought that what you did was very nice and thoughtful! You shouldn't feel bad at all, you're doing all of this for (I presume based on the text?) free. You sound like a great friend! Maybe sneak some midols into those first aid kids.

    Yes this is free...I hadn't thought about asking for any money until she told me to ask the girls to give money for the limo/tip, etc...then suggested to ask for $ for the t shirts. I would never dream of asking a party guest to pay for the favors I got for them...
    It was frustrating for me that she thought the party wasn't going to be good enough or she wouldn't be happy unless she got the limo. She's not helping to pay for anything and will expect us all to pay for her liquor when we go out.
    For the record, under reasonable circumstances, as a guest I would be happy to help pay for the party. I would see it as a group of friends showing the bride-to-be a good time together. It shouldn't ever fall on just one person.

    But she's being unreasonable in her demands.
  • ekz13
    ekz13 Posts: 725 Member
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    I still hold that it's the best policy, but there are times when you have to bite your tongue. In this case, I think you were in the right to tell her. Being a bride-to-be does not give you carte blanche to be a *****.

    AGREE!!!

    SHE conducted herself poorly and was ungrateful.. not at all good manners. Bad form on her part.
  • SapiensPisces
    SapiensPisces Posts: 992 Member
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    Here's a thought... if the scope of what she wants or deems necessary for it to 'be a good time' is beyond what her friends and family can comfortably provide then SHE should pitch in. I would never ask my friends to go broke to throw me a party for petes sake. What a tosser....

    Well the other problem is that her parents set a budget for her wedding, but it wasn't enough...so she and her fiancee are pitching in more money for the wedding-so that is stressing her out. She's going overboard on everything and then getting stressed about it. I'm too afraid to ask her for money for this because this is how she reacted to this situation...by not talking to me.

    This is HER problem and the solution must be hers.

    If she asks for anything more than what is agreed upon now, just say "no" unless she wants to pay for it herself. Draw the line. Be firm but polite about it and explain that you and the bridesmaids aren't obligated to do anything for her beyond what you've already agreed to do.
  • asiLm11
    asiLm11 Posts: 1
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    Wow... sorry to read that you have had such a bad time! I've recently been a bride.

    My one and only bridesmaid was and is my best-friend of many years. I could never imagine treating my friend the way you have been treated.

    As I was the bride and had asked my friend to be my bridesmaid - I didn't want to put her out of pocket because of it - NO WAY. I asked her to be my bridesmaid and to me, it was my wedding, mine and my now husband's day - not something my best-friend or any friend should feel financially obligated to by any means.

    My friends dress was paid for and I had it made for her as well. Her make-up was paid for. She wanted to do her own hair so she did, she's very particular about her hair :) I wouldn't have had it any other way. We even went halves in the hens night that she held at her house for me, it was a small quiet-ish girlie games night, no paraphernalia or anything crude and it was an awesome night - confetti guns included and all (her idea lol). We did things like organise the hens night together etc. She offered to pay for things like put in for her dress and help with the make-up but I didn't want her to, she had already done HEAPS with having the Hen's night at her's and everything she did along the way helping me with things wedding-wise.

    Sorry for the novel. I believe in the words - treat others how you want to be treated. If one day I am a bridesmaid for my best-friend or someone else i sure hope they don't treat me the way you have been treated :(

    As I said I could NEVER treat someone the way you've described your friend treating you ... its a real shame, and personally I wouldn't stand for it!
  • emdeesea
    emdeesea Posts: 1,823 Member
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    Feel sorry for the guy who's marrying her...
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    Feel sorry for the guy who's marrying her...
    He seems to be on the same page.
  • ekz13
    ekz13 Posts: 725 Member
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    you gave her the benifit given the situation and stressfulness of it, but there is a line .. you're not her punching bag..

    and a saying came to mind on this


    "Champagne taste on a beer budget"

    life isn't free..and your funds shouldn't be at her disposal either.
  • fauxpunker
    fauxpunker Posts: 59 Member
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    Feel sorry for the guy who's marrying her...
    He seems to be on the same page.

    Heaven help the people making the cake, floral arrangements, DJ, and anyone else involved...

    Just because she's getting married doesn't mean people are obligated to throw her parties. If she had a set thing in mind, she needs to be the one planning it; not expecting someone else to read her mind and pony up for it.
  • Timelordlady85
    Timelordlady85 Posts: 797 Member
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    I still hold that it's the best policy, but there are times when you have to bite your tongue. In this case, I think you were in the right to tell her. Being a bride-to-be does not give you carte blanche to be a *****.

    couldn't have said it better myself and honestly she sounds ungrateful to me. You are doing your best to give her the best you could within your financial budget, she should be thankful to have such a friend.
  • MyRummyHens
    MyRummyHens Posts: 141 Member
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    My personal opinion is that if you ask someone to be your bridesmaid or to help you to organize something for YOUR wedding then YOU should foot the bill. I can't bare it when brides ask people to be bridesmaids, insist on their choice of dress (usually the most expensive in the shop) then expect all the bridesmaids to pay for them. Then there is hair and make up to pay for, the brides choice of shoes (usually something never worn again) and to then expect the bridesmaids to chip into the hen do? No, that's not on. If the bride is hard up and someone offers to help out with something, or pay for their dress and it's accepted, no problems with that, it's the expectation that bridesmaids should pay for the honor that gets me!

    I personally think you've gone above and beyond with this one, I would have said something too. I think letting the guests buy a round of drinks each or similar is acceptable, expecting them to foot the entire bill for everything over and above what you can afford is rather staggering. Lets hope she stops acting like such a spoiled brat and sorts herself out before she alienates everyone for her big day!
  • Mischievous_Rascal
    Mischievous_Rascal Posts: 1,791 Member
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    This is why I hate weddings. I lost a very good friend in my early 20's because she turned into a greedy, snarling Bridezilla, and I called her on it. All for a marriage that lasted 11 months! 20+ years later, she sent me a FB request with an apology. Still, even after all of that, I believe honesty is the best policy among friends.
  • beers_n_whiskey
    beers_n_whiskey Posts: 12 Member
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    I had a wedding one time. I got exactly what I wanted: to marry the guy and celebrate with my friends. And you know what? My divorce is final next month. The marriage didn't work, but I still have no regrets about the wedding beacuse I enjoyed the day for what it was.

    Her wedding should be about her and her new husband. The bachelorette party should be about going out with her girlfriends. If she's making a big stink about material things that dont. actually. matter... then you probably are better off not being in the wedding. Or, you know, in her life at all.
  • abrockhausen
    abrockhausen Posts: 35 Member
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    What a sticky situation. Yes it is the bride's wedding but you should still be conscious of other peoples feelings and finances. My friend was recently in a wedding where the bride and grooms family both had money, she wanted the brides maids to buy Vera Wang dresses and shoes that were $250 per pair, plus pay a ton of money t have their hair and make up done professionally. My friend was so upset and had to finally draw a line becaus eshe couldn't afford it. Luckily the brides Mom offered to pay so the friend could still be in the wedding.

    Hang in there. A true friendhsip will survive this.
  • BamaBreezeNSaltAire
    BamaBreezeNSaltAire Posts: 966 Member
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    To be honest its her wedding/bachelorette party. If she gets the chance to have only one then she deserves to have it done in a way that she will enjoy. Its not really fair to expect her party to rely soley on your financial constraints IYSWIM? If she was expecting you to pay for the extras then of course she would have been in the wrong.

    She could have handled it a bit better granted but it seems like everything worked out? I mean you are not any more out of pocket and she got the party she wanted.

    ETA: After reading the other posts it does seem like she is being a bit bridezilla about everything. How do the other people in the wedding party feel about it?

    My answer to this...if you want more, then pay for it yourself. Or maybe ask Daddy. Grow up girls, this isn't what life is all about.
  • Derp_Diggler
    Derp_Diggler Posts: 1,456 Member
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    To be honest its her wedding/bachelorette party. If she gets the chance to have only one then she deserves to have it done in a way that she will enjoy. Its not really fair to expect her party to rely soley on your financial constraints IYSWIM? If she was expecting you to pay for the extras then of course she would have been in the wrong.

    This is what irritates me about so many brides-to-be. Why does someone have to spend a fortune on a wedding/bridal shower/bachelorette party/etc. in order to have a good time just because they think they "deserve" it?

    Also, it appears from the original post that the bride asked all of her bridesmaids to pay extra for the things she wanted above and beyond what the OP and bridesmaids were willing to pay for then made the OP feel bad, because she couldn't afford to pay for the extras and didn't feel comfortable asking the other bridesmaids to pay more than they already agreed to pay. It's a ****ty thing to do, bride or not.

    ETA: OP you are an awesome friend. Just keep trying to reach out to her.

    PREACH!

    I hate when women decide that because they want to feel like a princess nothing else matters. Not money, not friendships, not people's feelings...just "their special day." It's the most disgusting behavior a person can exhibit and should not be tolerated.

    Find better friends. Ones who care about your feelings as well as their own. No one's wedding entitles them to act like that to people they supposedly care about.

    ^^^This.
  • zanne54
    zanne54 Posts: 336 Member
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    Wow, isn't the bridezilla a peach. I'd be inclined to take that honesty a step further and ask her point-blank, why she feels entitled to dictate to me how to spend my money. Oh right, she's not talking to you... *rolls eyes*

    I appreciate that getting married can be a stressful time as there is immense pressure to have everything be "perfect". But there is a gracious way to handle it, or a spoiled princess entitlement monster way. I'm sorry that your friend has chosen the latter.

    If B2B isn't normally a drama fiend, then I'd suggest you bite your tongue, suck it up and apologize (FTR, you did nothing wrong; she's being crazy, but this is the situation you're in and you just need to get through to the other side).

    If this is already a pattern with her, that things are blown out of proportion, she's routinely demanding and has an overinflated sense of entitlement - then I'd box up & gift wrap the bridesmaid dress and send it to her and be done with it. Just because one is "the bride" does NOT give one carte blanche to be a bridezilla with no consequences.

    ETA: I'm getting married on Saturday. And I haven't made one single "demand" of anyone involved in the wedding.

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