I will post a funny status a day here

To keep me accountable at logging in. I'm already at a 27 day streak and can't wait to hit 90! Here are some of my status' so far:


~ Today was a really bad day. First, my ex got run over by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.

~ Today I bought cupcakes without sprinkles. Diets are hard!

~ I got gas today for $1.19! Too bad it was from Taco Bell.

~ I hate it when you give someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and then, all of a sudden....she's not your friend anymore.

~ The gym was so crowded today, I had to skip my workout. Luckily, the line at Dunkin Donuts was shorter than usual.

~ You can tell a lot about a females mood just by her hands. For instance if they're holding a gun, she's probably mad.

~ I like to run up and down the street, knocking on people's doors.

~ I used to be afraid to fart in front of my boyfriend. But today I just let it go. He didn't mind. But the people at the funeral weren't too pleased.

~ It's always awkward when u are out in public and run into your ex. Then, u feel obligated to back the car into reverse and run them over again.

~ I'm a terrific housekeeper! Every time I lose a husband, I keep a house.

~ It's always awkward when u are out in public and run into your ex. Then, u feel obligated to back the car into reverse and run them over again.

~ My friend told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry. That was until I hit him in the face with a watermelon.

~ I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.

~ I hate making plans for the day. Then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around the courtroom.

~ I have a new diet plan...Make all my friends cupcakes. The fatter they get, the thinner I look.

~ I do 5 sit-ups every morning. It may not sound like much, but there's only so many times I can hit the snooze button.

~ I farted at the store today and four people turned around. I felt like I was on "The Voice."

~ When I was little, my parents moved a lot. But luckily, I always found them.

~ Starbucks really isn't that expensive considering how much Victoria's Secret charges per cup.

~ Whenever somebody calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them.

~ I wear all black to the gym because I'm having a funeral for my fat.

~ When Miley is half-naked and licks a hammer, it's called "art" and "music." When I go to Home Depot and do the same, I'm called "wasted" and told to "leave the premises."