I will post a funny status a day here

To keep me accountable at logging in. I'm already at a 27 day streak and can't wait to hit 90! Here are some of my status' so far:


~ Today was a really bad day. First, my ex got run over by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.

~ Today I bought cupcakes without sprinkles. Diets are hard!

~ I got gas today for $1.19! Too bad it was from Taco Bell.

~ I hate it when you give someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and then, all of a sudden....she's not your friend anymore.

~ The gym was so crowded today, I had to skip my workout. Luckily, the line at Dunkin Donuts was shorter than usual.

~ You can tell a lot about a females mood just by her hands. For instance if they're holding a gun, she's probably mad.

~ I like to run up and down the street, knocking on people's doors.

~ I used to be afraid to fart in front of my boyfriend. But today I just let it go. He didn't mind. But the people at the funeral weren't too pleased.

~ It's always awkward when u are out in public and run into your ex. Then, u feel obligated to back the car into reverse and run them over again.

~ I'm a terrific housekeeper! Every time I lose a husband, I keep a house.

~ It's always awkward when u are out in public and run into your ex. Then, u feel obligated to back the car into reverse and run them over again.

~ My friend told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry. That was until I hit him in the face with a watermelon.

~ I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.

~ I hate making plans for the day. Then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around the courtroom.

~ I have a new diet plan...Make all my friends cupcakes. The fatter they get, the thinner I look.

~ I do 5 sit-ups every morning. It may not sound like much, but there's only so many times I can hit the snooze button.

~ I farted at the store today and four people turned around. I felt like I was on "The Voice."

~ When I was little, my parents moved a lot. But luckily, I always found them.

~ Starbucks really isn't that expensive considering how much Victoria's Secret charges per cup.

~ Whenever somebody calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them.

~ I wear all black to the gym because I'm having a funeral for my fat.

~ When Miley is half-naked and licks a hammer, it's called "art" and "music." When I go to Home Depot and do the same, I'm called "wasted" and told to "leave the premises."
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Replies

  • vickiem74
    vickiem74 Posts: 49 Member
    What a way to start off a Monday! Thanks for the chuckles! :drinker:
  • amberrenee813
    amberrenee813 Posts: 395 Member
    What a way to start off a Monday! Thanks for the chuckles! :drinker:

    You're quite welcome!
  • mbmillr
    mbmillr Posts: 28
    bump love the funnies. thanks for making me lol :)
  • amberrenee813
    amberrenee813 Posts: 395 Member
    bump love the funnies. thanks for making me lol :)

    thanks
  • tgen72
    tgen72 Posts: 1
    You have a totally twisted sense of humor...it's nice to know I'm not alone in the world...muahaha
  • kmariet7
    kmariet7 Posts: 229 Member
    Haha! Thanks!
  • amberrenee813
    amberrenee813 Posts: 395 Member
    You have a totally twisted sense of humor...it's nice to know I'm not alone in the world...muahaha

    lol these are the g-rated ones :)
  • amberrenee813
    amberrenee813 Posts: 395 Member
    5/5 Funny status of the day- I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere!
  • cryptonyt
    cryptonyt Posts: 85 Member
    LOL! Thanks! Loved them all. :-)
  • shellpenn
    shellpenn Posts: 3 Member
    Following... :)
  • amberrenee813
    amberrenee813 Posts: 395 Member
    Thank you :)
  • Saree1902
    Saree1902 Posts: 611 Member

    ~ When Miley is half-naked and licks a hammer, it's called "art" and "music." When I go to Home Depot and do the same, I'm called "wasted" and told to "leave the premises."

    my favourite by far....hilarious!! :laugh:
  • cardbucfan
    cardbucfan Posts: 10,126 Member
    Totally want to follow these!!
  • bethlaf
    bethlaf Posts: 954 Member
    i am glad you started a thread, i love seeing these in my newsfeed :D
  • karmac0matic
    karmac0matic Posts: 285
    yessss plez continue make like 3049320 a day plz plz

    sorry i'm so childish lol!
  • snowflake954
    snowflake954 Posts: 7,701 Member
    bump
  • dapunks
    dapunks Posts: 245 Member
    Thank you. I am always looking for something funny to start my day.
  • amberrenee813
    amberrenee813 Posts: 395 Member
    yessss plez continue make like 3049320 a day plz plz

    sorry i'm so childish lol!

    haha that would be quite the accomplishment! Idk if I could find that many funny status', but I would sure try!
  • amberrenee813
    amberrenee813 Posts: 395 Member
    5/6 Funny status of the day- My boyfriend left a note on the fridge, "It's not working. I can't take it anymore." I opened the fridge and the beer is cold. What is he talking about?
  • amberrenee813
    amberrenee813 Posts: 395 Member
    5/7 Funny status of the day- He said the spark between us was gone, so I tasered him. Think I'll ask him again when he wakes up
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