Toddler Tantrums advice needed

Ladybug1250
Ladybug1250 Posts: 366 Member
in Motivation and Support
So this post is a little off topic but I need some friendly advice.
I have a 3 year old and she's cute as a button, but some times she reminds me of those sour patch commercials lol

First she's sour.....then she's sweet.

She really is a good girl and sweet as can be but she has her moments. I think the problem with a toddler is that they're very difficult to reason with. She wants something and I say no for whatever reason and she digs in her heels and puts up a fight so strong that I end up loosing my cool and yelling at her and then in turn she gets more angry and hits and screams. There is no reasoning at that point.

I'm not the most patient parent in the world but I'm learning. I try time out but that doesn't seem to work so well unless I put her in her crib (so she cant get out) but then she throws all her stuff out and jumps up and down and screams and I'm left thinking "geez is this normal?"

I don't want to create a anger problem in her or traumatize her but I do need to teach her discipline and that is my struggle. any helpfully suggestions?
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Replies

  • RobsGirl_lds
    RobsGirl_lds Posts: 211 Member
    I have a 2&4 year old and I give them a choice.
    Example;

    Child: I want x
    Me: you may not have/do x now because of y
    Child: no I want x
    Me: you may not have/do x because of y
    Child: tantrum begins
    Me: you have a choice, you can yell and scream and I will put you in time out/crib/punishment or you can fix your self and play/read a book/what you are willin to let them have/do.
    Child: but I want....
    Me: repeat choices, which do you choose

    Repeat till they make a choice.

    Many time a tantrums happen because the hold feels powerless in the decision, this gives them some control back, and helps them understand consequences.

    Edit to add:
    If I notice an unusually high amount of tantrums in a day I will set the timer for 10min and take them on my lap any just talk with them. I have them tell me anything they want to and I ask leading questions. This gives them one on one attention and makes them feel validated. Most of the time they want to get down and play on their own before the timer beeps. Usually there are no further tantrums that day.
  • navygrrl
    navygrrl Posts: 517 Member
    Totally normal. I think 3 should be renamed as the terrible three's, since two is easy by comparison. :laugh:

    When my daughter was younger, there were times when we would have to leave stores because of tantrums. If we were at home, I would put her in her room until she was done having her tantrum. She would even put herself in her room to have her tantrum, and then come out when she was done.

    I know it's hard not to engage and yell. If she is somewhere safe, leave the room. Let her know that this behavior is not acceptable and you will return when she is done. Then leave her to have her tantrum. Being a toddler is rough, because you have so many emotions but you don't have the language skills yet to express yourself properly.

    Just do your best, and try to keep in mind that her tantrums don't reflect on your parenting skills. 3 year old girls seems to be part banshee. :wink:
  • wvualesha
    wvualesha Posts: 11
    I'm approaching this stage with my almost 2 year old. It's not fun! My sister calls my nice a THREE-nager. ha!
  • DEXTERBUZZ
    DEXTERBUZZ Posts: 1
    Being a toddler is hard work - They are experiencing everything for the first time. When my son acts up ( sometimes without a moments notice! ) I get down on my knees and sit at his level -- he isn't interested in what I'm saying, but I want to make sure that he knows I'm speaking to him in a calm collected way. I talk to him about the situation ( more for myself I think ) then I change the subject ... I am not the kind of person that is going to let him sit there for hours and cry just to teach a lesson. That never gets anywhere... I usually suggest something random and off the subject -- talk about his day, do you want to go water the plants, do you want to go cook something in the kitchen..... etc. Later when he has calmed down we talk about it -- usually at night when he is winding down. He isn't going to listen to me when he is frustrated - not at this age, so diffusing the situation and discussing it when everyone is on the same page is my way of reasoning.... It's not rocket science but it works ... for my family. Every household is different....
  • Ladybug1250
    Ladybug1250 Posts: 366 Member
    Thank you all for your supportive advice!! I was a little worried about posting on here cause you never know what might be controversial and I didn't want to be called a horrible mother LOL, so THANK YOU all for your kinds words.

    I often forget about that little trick with giving her the choice of something else. It does work! Sometimes if I'm in the middle of making dinner or doing something I just don't have the time or patience to do that with her, but the bottom line is my baby is more important than whatever else i'm doing and if I spend a moment or two with her rather than ignoring her screaming and yelling (which really doesn't work btw) or yelling back at her to stop I spend Waaaay more time and energy in the long run.

    being a toddler really is hard because of what you all said about not being able to properly express your emotions. I do have a problem with discipline and my daughter has a problem listening as well. so if these things don't work and we still are at a stalemate what is the proper way to discipline? I guess I mean are tantrums ok? I feel like I work so hard to avoid the tantrum or stop it when it escalates because i'm worried it's not normal for her to get so upset, but maybe it needs to run it's course....
  • RobsGirl_lds
    RobsGirl_lds Posts: 211 Member
    Thank you all for your supportive advice!! I was a little worried about posting on here cause you never know what might be controversial and I didn't want to be called a horrible mother LOL, so THANK YOU all for your kinds words.

    I often forget about that little trick with giving her the choice of something else. It does work! Sometimes if I'm in the middle of making dinner or doing something I just don't have the time or patience to do that with her, but the bottom line is my baby is more important than whatever else i'm doing and if I spend a moment or two with her rather than ignoring her screaming and yelling (which really doesn't work btw) or yelling back at her to stop I spend Waaaay more time and energy in the long run.

    being a toddler really is hard because of what you all said about not being able to properly express your emotions. I do have a problem with discipline and my daughter has a problem listening as well. so if these things don't work and we still are at a stalemate what is the proper way to discipline? I guess I mean are tantrums ok? I feel like I work so hard to avoid the tantrum or stop it when it escalates because i'm worried it's not normal for her to get so upset, but maybe it needs to run it's course....
    We started early training our kids to "fix them selves" one thing I have them to is put their hands up and clap, then bring them down fast and blow air out fast. I do it with them the first 2-3 times and then have them continue till they collapse in fitts of giggles.

    I use this quite often and now sometimes when my 4 yearold feels himself losing controls he will do it on his own.

    Edit to add

    One of our hardest jobs as a parent is teaching our children to recognize how they feel and giving them tools to adjust how they feel. Sometimes they need help identifying their feelings.
    I will ask
    Are you mad? Sad? Hungry? Tired? Frustrated?
    They need to be able to identify their feelings to be able to change them.
  • navygrrl
    navygrrl Posts: 517 Member
    My daughter was much different than my sons. With them, I could give them alternatives and use distraction. With her, I had to give her a safe place where she could have her tantrum. She would scream and cry in her room, and then come out and let us know that she was ready to resume whatever was interrupted. She is 11 now, and doesn't have tantrums anymore, but she does still go into her room when she feels overwhelmed, and then comes out to talk with us once she has a handle on things.

    As for discipline - follow through and be consistent. If you tell her you're going to do something, do it, and do it every single time. I don't know what your personal discipline choices are, but consistency and follow through are vital.
  • wannabpiper
    wannabpiper Posts: 402 Member
    Redirection; when she's over-the-top with emotional energy and cannot bring it down by herself, redirect her by finding something new to focus on. For example, if she's determined to eat the driveway chalk, take it away. The screaming will ensue and we redirect her to something new, i.e., let's play with the tricycle or get out a big spoon and a plastic bowl. If there's a lot of tantruming in one day, she's likely tired or her body could be getting sick or run down. Sleep helps both of you :wink:
  • fleetzz
    fleetzz Posts: 962 Member
    My kids are MOSTLY past the temper tantrum stage (10 and 13), but getting mad and yelling at them never worked, as much as it made me feel better it seemed to just escalate things.

    Give the kids choices--I typically answer the "can I have" question with a yes---and a condition. Right now my daughter wants an iphone--"yes absolutely. How are you going to earn the money to buy one and pay for the service?, because I am not going to buy one for you."

    I did the same thing when they were toddlers, yes, they could have "x", after they did "y".

    Time outs and ignoring the full out screaming temper tantrums works. Sometimes the time out included me holding them in their corner/chair until they calmed down (while not looking at them).

    I gave them attention when they were behaving the way I wanted them to behave--seemed to encourage the better behavior because they liked the attention.

    Keep trying different things-you will find something or another that helps.
  • MagJam2004
    MagJam2004 Posts: 651 Member
    I win the battle with my three year old daughter through nothing more than attrition. I last longer than her, and she is forced to either find different goals, or conform to the situation. Many times it is simply kicking her outside and letting her tire herself out. When she is exhausted from play outdoors, she is much more manageable. I've noticed that on those days, where she gets a lot of TV, or spends most of it indoors, she gets a bit crazy. At that point, everything becomes a battle. Sometimes, I have to bust out the dad voice, but I try to avoid overuse as to retain it's potency.
  • dconaghan
    dconaghan Posts: 18 Member
    My little girl is acting like this at times i noticed part of it was the cartoons that she was watching (Max & Ruby and Caillou) and since those shows are no longer on in the house she is getting better but everyday is a sweet sweet journety :)
  • DanniB423
    DanniB423 Posts: 777 Member
    Oh honey! I do not know WHY they say "terrible twos'. My little one went through the "horrific threes". Takes a lot of patience and consistency on our part as parents! Good luck and mine is now six and is as sassy as ever! lol
  • chriamaria
    chriamaria Posts: 76 Member
    Tons of good advice! I have a 6 year old and a 3 year old who will be 4 in September. I will say that from what I've seen with my kids and my best friend's 2 kids who have went through this stage that 3 is the worst. The good thing is that the closer they get to 4 the more it improves. I guess I feel like some melt downs are ok because they need to express themselves. When they start throwing things/hitting/biting etc is when the discipline comes into play.
  • thirteeninches
    thirteeninches Posts: 61 Member
    wannabpiper wrote:
    Redirection; when she's over-the-top with emotional energy and cannot bring it down by herself, redirect her by finding something new to focus on. For example, if she's determined to eat the driveway chalk, take it away. The screaming will ensue and we redirect her to something new, i.e., let's play with the tricycle or get out a big spoon and a plastic bowl. If there's a lot of tantruming in one day, she's likely tired or her body could be getting sick or run down. Sleep helps both of you :wink:

    This! A thousand times, this.

    Also, please be careful with giving kids choices. I did that for all three of my kids (now 21, 17 and 14) and it often caused me more trouble than it was worth. Sometimes it worked fantastic, other times-it just made things worse. By the time I had my last child, I'd learned to modify how I give choices. Two choices only-and my choice of what the two choices are, with a time limit for decision making. If they didn't choose in the alotted time, I got to choose. That worked to eliminate manipulative waffling.

    AND I can't emphasize enough: consistency! Stick to your guns! Kids feel safer with regular schedules, and easy to understand limits and predictable methods. Change things around every day, and they find little loopholes to manipulate mom with.

    Lastly, hugs hugs and more hugs. Get down on her level, look her straight in the eye and say, You need a hug! It will help her learn how to calm down. Children aren't born knowing how to breath deeply and count to ten to lower their blood pressure. We need to teach them that-both through example (doing it ourselves) and guidance (gently telling them how to do it) and hugs are a great way to get that heartbeat lowered. And they are nice, too :)

    Oh, one more thing: always look for a possible physical reason your baby is throwing a fit-time of day, hunger, needs to go poopy, fatigue... watch carefully and you may see a pattern. Once you recognise any pattern or triggers, you can take steps to avoid a tantrum in the first place.

    Good luck!
  • kgeyser
    kgeyser Posts: 22,505 Member
    Alternatives, distractions, and redirection don't work with my kids, so I just walk away (provided they are in a safe place) and let them work through the tantrum. I don't engage them until they can act like human beings again. They usually get over it pretty quickly once they realize they are not going to get attention or have an audience for their lively interpretation of The Exorcist.

    The worst is when we are out in public and my 6-year-old has a tantrum (she has some issues). Then I not only have to wrangle her (since I can't walk away) and a two-year-old, but deal with all the "helpful" people coming over to offer advice or try to soothe her.
  • BurntCoffee
    BurntCoffee Posts: 234 Member
    Sounds pretty normal to me. I think the 3's are harder than the terrible 2's. At least it was like that for my now 15 year old daughter. :) Just remember not to give her an emotional reaction. She is not in charge and she needs to know that no matter how much she throws a fit that you love her but will not give in. When you say no, mean it. Don't undermine your parental authority by yelling or by saying no but then giving in because you are at your wits end with the tantrum. Make sure she is safe but don't get too worked up over her screaming. She'll get over it. With most children it won't take long for them to learn to self soothe and realize that no means no.

    Remember, sometimes no means "I love you". ;) You're gonna get through this.
  • RobsGirl_lds
    RobsGirl_lds Posts: 211 Member
    wannabpiper wrote:
    Redirection; when she's over-the-top with emotional energy and cannot bring it down by herself, redirect her by finding something new to focus on. For example, if she's determined to eat the driveway chalk, take it away. The screaming will ensue and we redirect her to something new, i.e., let's play with the tricycle or get out a big spoon and a plastic bowl. If there's a lot of tantruming in one day, she's likely tired or her body could be getting sick or run down. Sleep helps both of you :wink:

    This! A thousand times, this.

    Also, please be careful with giving kids choices. I did that for all three of my kids (now 21, 17 and 14) and it often caused me more trouble than it was worth. Sometimes it worked fantastic, other times-it just made things worse. By the time I had my last child, I'd learned to modify how I give choices. Two choices only-and my choice of what the two choices are, with a time limit for decision making. If they didn't choose in the alotted time, I got to choose. That worked to eliminate manipulative waffling.

    AND I can't emphasize enough: consistency! Stick to your guns! Kids feel safer with regular schedules, and easy to understand limits and predictable methods. Change things around every day, and they find little loopholes to manipulate mom with.

    Lastly, hugs hugs and more hugs. Get down on her level, look her straight in the eye and say, You need a hug! It will help her learn how to calm down. Children aren't born knowing how to breath deeply and count to ten to lower their blood pressure. We need to teach them that-both through example (doing it ourselves) and guidance (gently telling them how to do it) and hugs are a great way to get that heartbeat lowered. And they are nice, too :)

    Oh, one more thing: always look for a possible physical reason your baby is throwing a fit-time of day, hunger, needs to go poopy, fatigue... watch carefully and you may see a pattern. Once you recognise any pattern or triggers, you can take steps to avoid a tantrum in the first place.

    Good luck!
    Absolutely, the choices you give must be ones you are willing To have them choose!

    One example
    It is time to leave the gym and my 4year old dosnt want to leave the daycare center.

    He can leave with me nicely walking on his own, or he can kick and scream while I carry him out embarrassing himself in frunt of all his friends.

    I have only hade to carry him out once.
  • thirteeninches
    thirteeninches Posts: 61 Member
    Haha! I became famous with my kids for saying "Okay, we can do this the easy way or the hard way-your choice!" :D
  • _zombiegirl_
    _zombiegirl_ Posts: 79 Member
    I have a 3-year-old little girl, sweet as can be and smart as a whip... but with Daddy's patience and temper, so I feel your pain. That "threenager" term couldn't be more right. lol I think the emotions are running high at this point, too, because she will sometimes cry about things that really don't warrant crying. (She broke down in tears in the car the other day because we didn't buy a lawn mower we went to look at.)

    If we're in the house and she doesn't get her way after trying to talk to her, she'll run to her room, slam the door and throw herself on her bed. I'll go in there after a couple minutes, once I know she's cooled off, and ask if she is better now and if she wants to talk about it. With my child, there is no getting through to her until she's calmed down.

    I consider myself a fairly patient person, but those toddlers do know how to push buttons, so I get it. :) There are definitely days that are harder to hold it all together than others... just try to remember that these days won't last forever (or even very long) so try to enjoy it as much as you can!
  • liekewheeless
    liekewheeless Posts: 416 Member
    I started counting to 3. It's weird,..it just works. Not all the time but it helps. I also make her repeat what I told her.

    So if she says, I want such and such. I say no. She keeps asking until I say, what did I tell you? I repeat it until she answers.

    I also make her explain back to me why she can't do something so I know she understands.


    She's almost 6 now and very head strong but it's getting a little easier to reason with her.
    I do try and give her a limited amount of choices when appropriate. (The pink shirt or the purple one).
  • JJplus6
    JJplus6 Posts: 11 Member
    I've now had five 3 year olds, and they have all been sour/sweet to varying degrees. My 5th has been the most sour!

    When I was a new mom, I read "Making the Terrible Twos Terrific" by John Rosemond... it applies to 3 year olds as well. He offers some really great coping techniques and perspective. I highly recommend it.

    A couple of points: three year olds have little self-control, but that doesn't mean you give them a pass on throwing fits. Make your expectations clear. And for tantrums, get down on her level and explain that it's fine if she wants to be angry, but throwing a fit is not okay, and you don't want to be around that behavior, so she has to throw her fit in her room (or another designated space).

    Also, at three years old, you might start thinking about transitioning to a "big girl bed"... that might be good incentive for her to behave nicely. e.g., "If you want to get a new big girl bed, we need to start acting like a big girl, and that means talking about why you're angry instead of screaming at me."

    Good luck! This is just practice for when she's 6 or 7, and you get the school-age sassitude!
  • ashenriver
    ashenriver Posts: 498 Member
    I know for a fact that you need to remain firm. I do not have children of my own but I visit with my nieces and nephews often. I have friends that joke that we are better with kids then people who have kids.

    My youngest niece would have terrible temper tantrums, they were not helped by the fact that my sister would give in and try to reason with her. As in give her what she wanted. She could be and still is the sweetest child but oh my when she doesn't get what she wants, look out.

    But because my sister would give in, she learned from that and would use my sisters capitulation to get what she wanted. So its important to remain firm, keep to the consequences and do your best to keep calm.
  • beertrollruss
    beertrollruss Posts: 276 Member
    I filmed my toddler's tantrum and showed it to him. That was the last tantrum.
  • Galatea_Stone
    Galatea_Stone Posts: 2,037 Member
    I pick mine up and hug her until she's calm. I don't say anything. If she doesn't want a hug, too bad, I'm stronger. She generally calms down and we can discuss things normally.

    I wish I'd used this technic on my 8 year old. She has worse tantrums.
  • Beckboo0912
    Beckboo0912 Posts: 447 Member
    My son doesn't have tantrums often...sometimes he does and I usually tell him that his throwing a fit won't help him get what he wants. If he stopsthen and there and we move on I usually make some sort of deal with him so he can getwhat he wants eventually...he needs to work for it. Ifhe continues I usually leave whatever we are doing. And thenwe will talk about it after and he knows why we left and that that behavior isnt acceptable. But being firm and consistent has been key

    I should have prefaced this by saying I'm a single mom so it all falls on me and I know when I have been lax on things. It's harder but easier as well, since I know what is wrong and if I did something wrong/different then normal.
  • BlueBombers
    BlueBombers Posts: 4,064 Member
    Oh man am I glad my kids are past the toddler stage.

    My kids are heading to the next glorious stage of growing up:

    pix-teenager.jpg
  • TrolleyRide
    TrolleyRide Posts: 64 Member
    When I was a kid, I threw a tantrum once.

    My mom threw herself on the floor and began to scream and pound her fists like I was doing.

    Freaked me out so bad I never did it again.
  • aliakynes
    aliakynes Posts: 352 Member
    As mentioned above, choices help a lot. Give them two alternates to what they want whenever possible. Just a simple "you can have this or this," gives them a sense of empowerment without accenting the fact that they are giving up their first choice.

    I also reserved word "no" for dangerous or other emergency situations.

    the kind of stuff I'd say instead are:
    - not right now
    - stop, please
    - you can have some later, after lunch
    - we need to save that
    - that's too loud (instead of no screaming!)

    When you find different words to convey your desires, they are often accompanied with a calmer tone than "no!" and toddlers especially are more likely to respond to calm tones with calm.

    For tantrums, I pick them up and put them on a soft surface (couch or bed). Then I walk away (not out of the room, just busy myself with something else to give them time to sort out whatever needs sorting out). Sometimes they cry it out, other times they calm themselves down. Try to react without getting upset as they pick up on that and will return it threefold. After a minute or two I'll offer water (since crying dehydrates them, makes them feel crappy, which makes them even grumpier). It's also a gesture that tells them I still care and want them to feel better even though I still refuse to let them lick the fly swatter or put the phone in the toilet.

    If the crying or whatever lasts longer than a few minutes and they refuse water, I'll hold them and talk about the situation in soothing tones, letting them know that I like it when they use their words and prefer that they not scream when they want something. I'll talk about something they might be looking forward to, like a sibling getting home from school soon, taking a walk once when it cools down, what we're having for dinner, etc. At that point, toddler ADD kicks in. If it's a stubborn day, I'll say, "Ok, I'll be back in a few minutes, feel better!" and come back with water in a few minutes.
  • kbmnurse
    kbmnurse Posts: 2,484 Member
    Ignore the behavior and put her in her room. Sounds like she needs some alone time.
  • esaucier17
    esaucier17 Posts: 694 Member
    3's are definatley more difficult than the 2's stage! But it depends on the child also.
    My son was very, very easy child to deal with. He's 7 now...argues more now,lol, but for the most part a good kid.
    My boyfriends son just turned 3 and is VERY difficult to deal with. He doesn't listen,pouts, cries about everything especially when he doesn't get his way. His dad is always asking me what to do since I went through this age but my son was totally opposite. Calm...easygoing...rarely any fits. So I'm also intersted in this thread to to maybe give him some advice.

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