Dating after weightloss

wannehunter85
wannehunter85 Posts: 133
in Motivation and Support
Sooo.....I've lost a significant amount of weight and am about 20-25 pounds from my ultimate goal. There is a guy that I am getting to know and we seem to click pretty well. But my question is, is the weight loss something I bring up? I mean I am not ashamed of myself or my body. And honestly, I wouldn't date someone who has an issue with the fact that I used to be a lot bigger. Because that isn't who I am anymore.

But is it even really their business? He knows I like to eat well and I work out on a regular basis, it is something we have in common.
If anyone else has had this experience.......tell me if and when you brought it up?
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Replies

  • wannehunter85
    wannehunter85 Posts: 133
    Any thoughts?
  • SezxyStef
    SezxyStef Posts: 15,267 Member
    not sure it needs brought up to be frank. You are who you are now...that is who he is interested in correct? He knows you want to be healthy and fit and usually the by product of that is losing some weight. Maybe as you do get to know him show him photos of you with friends at previous weight...I imagine he will say something along the lines of good for you, hard to believe that was you.

    Prior to my marriage I had started dating this guy (after losing about 25lbs) and he told me almost right off the bat he wouldn't date a "bigger" girl...he brought it up tho...it didn't last long. I refuse to be involved with someone who wouldn't love me at my worst...

    sort of like that saying...If you can't love me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best..

    I am married but it's not really discussed with my husband it is just part of who I am now. Mind you he's been my husband at my heaviest and my lightest and met me on an upswing in weight and didn't care, his only concern is my health and happiness and supports me in it all.
  • wannehunter85
    wannehunter85 Posts: 133
    This is a good way of looking at it. :) I wouldn't be like I am keeping anything, but honestly that isn't who I am anymore. Thanks!
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    I always dated as a plus size woman, even when I was a teenager. When I met my now-husband in 2012 I was still about 270 lb and a size 22. He has lost a lot of weight himself so he "gets it" (and was attracted to me equally then vs now!) but I think if I was single and dating at a much smaller size after spending 20+ years as a plus size woman I'd want to be totally sure my new guy(s) understood that part of me and weren't bothered by it, and also were not bothered by some of the little issues physically...I don't have horrible loose skin or anything, but after being 120+ lb heavier I do have some problem areas that most women who wear size 12 don't have. I'd need the guy to get that and accept it. Not that I'd ever get bigger again...but I'd just need that part of me accepted.
  • wannehunter85
    wannehunter85 Posts: 133
    That is also how I am feeling. I've always been overweight/obese since I hit puberty and now am close to a healthy weight (about 10 pounds away) for my height and age. I have some loose skin on my tummy. My issues with my weight (among a million other problems) put a huge strain on my previous marriage and I've been single ever since and its been about 4 years. So I would want to make sure that it is something he can accept before getting involved more seriously. This is still really new, we've only been talking for about a month.....so I guess it is like a play it by ear kind of thing.
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
    ince it's not a health issue that could impact him directly- unless it comes up as a topic- I wouldn't bring it up.

    I'm a very open person so I like talking about my past for some reason- and it was a hard lesson to learn with my BF now- he doesn't want to know about all of it- some of it I needed to deal with moetionally- trauma stuff- and he was very supportive of my emotional healing process and it needed to be discussed. But discussing things for the sake of just making conversation isn't' the same. And we had to have a few come to jesus talks because I was talking about things that made him very uncomfortable and were not relevant, helpful or important.

    If you have emotional issues with food and over eating- sure at some point it needs to come up if the relationship continues- you want him to support your decisions if you are a couple- and if he doesn't know that you had say for example- an ice cream trigger when you got really sad- he can help you with that and also will save him from winding up in the dog house- he knows you're feeling bad- so he gets you you're favorite ice cream to feel better- you get angry at him and say he's sabotaging and supportive- and he will be blind sided.

    use you're best judgement- it's not a big secret- you are who you are now- and who you were was who you were- you can't change it- so I wouldn't AVOID it- but I wouldn't just bringing it up randomly.

    Good luck!!!! dating when you are feeling fabulous about yourself with new weight loss and new sexy clothes can be SO MUCH FUN!!!!
  • mlanders22
    mlanders22 Posts: 140 Member
    I understand where you're coming from. The guy I'm dating now knows about my weight loss only because it came up in a conversation about my previous marriage (my ex hated my weight loss). He also saw an old picture of me before I lost any weight. That being said, I try not to make a big deal of it. The only thing that matters when I'm dating someone is that they're fine with my gym and workout habits.
  • thepetiterunner
    thepetiterunner Posts: 1,238 Member
    I don't think there's a point in bringing it up as a prominent topic (i.e. "I really want to tell you about this time I lost all this weight..."), personally, but if it comes up, then I wouldn't be shy about talking about it. It shouldn't impact his opinion of you, are you worried it will? I'm curious what the desire to talk about it is about.
  • Shan_Lindsay
    Shan_Lindsay Posts: 60 Member
    I don't think you have to, but if you see it turning out to be serious, I think I'd want to know that he is going to be supportive of my journey. I'd eventually bring it up, but it doesn't need to be brought up yet!
  • ThinLizzie0802
    ThinLizzie0802 Posts: 863 Member
    I've had this thought as well. I'm still very 50/50 on whether it would be a big topic of conversation or not. I think it would really just depend on the guy.
  • SezxyStef
    SezxyStef Posts: 15,267 Member
    oh I did want to add...just ensure that he does understand your new lifestyle is permanent.

    I had lost weight at one point (a different time) and was doing great...met a guy due to my weight loss and he was all gung ho until he realized I needed to spend about an hour at the gym a day 5x a week...

    that he didn't like...

    me being young and stupid stopped going to the gym...*stupid I know* gained a lot of weight back...*one of my yo yo's*
  • AlysonG2
    AlysonG2 Posts: 713 Member
    I met my husband right after I lost about 50 pounds. Never mentioned it to him. In fact, I'm still not sure he knows. Just didn't seem important.

    However, he does know that I gained 60 pounds while I was pregnant with our son, I've lost that, and now I'm in the process of losing what I was trying to lose when I got pregnant. He doesn't seem to care either way.
  • wannehunter85
    wannehunter85 Posts: 133
    No I don't think its something to be worried about or that he would run screaming for the hills. lol. But just something I thought about and wondered what people who have been on this journey thought. If he took the time to scan through my facebook he would find the pictures of me from before. I even have a dedicated workout album with before and after shots. It's a part of my life and history. So its something that I would want to be understood. I don't really have any emotional eating triggers....my being overweight was simply ignorance to what I ate and the activity level i had before. My emotional issues from my divorce have been helped with therapy and good relationships with friends. Just generally curious about people's thoughts on this topic.
  • SnugglePuggles
    SnugglePuggles Posts: 34
    If you talk about it with your friends and family, then you should talk about it with him. If it is not something you talk about, then I wouldn't. However, it is such a big accomplishment, I don't see why you wouldn't want to share that with people - including guys you date. It's not a dirty little secret - it's a success to be celebrated.
  • SonicDeathMonkey80
    SonicDeathMonkey80 Posts: 4,489 Member
    I'd keep the story in your backpocket for when he becomes fat.
  • ew_david
    ew_david Posts: 3,473 Member
    My ex made it clear at the beginning of our relationship that he'd never be with anyone who was fat. So when I got pregnant, I might as well have disappeared for 40 weeks. Then I lost the weight and a funny thing happened: I was no longer attracted to that asshat and I took our kid and left.

    I don't think it's necessary to bring up your weight loss. If it's a deal breaker to someone, that person isn't worth your time.
  • likitisplit
    likitisplit Posts: 9,420 Member
    I think it's an interesting part of your life that shows you have commitment, etc. But I'm not sure why it's something he'd have to know about or accept. I was a Punk Rocker when I was 16/17. I mention when dating because it's interesting and provides insight into who I've become. But it's not something that's a "must know." More of a "did you know?"
  • likitisplit
    likitisplit Posts: 9,420 Member
    My ex made it clear at the beginning of our relationship that he'd never be with anyone who was fat. So when I got pregnant, I might as well have disappeared for 40 weeks. Then I lost the weight and a funny thing happened: I was no longer attracted to that asshat and I took our kid and left.

    I don't think it's necessary to bring up your weight loss. If it's a deal breaker to someone, that person isn't worth your time.

    Maybe that's exactly why to bring it up. Congratulations on your divorce!
  • jackpotclown
    jackpotclown Posts: 3,275 Member
    You don't have to, but I'd more or less bring it up as a way to show that you took charge of your life....confidence is sexy \m/
  • _KitKat_
    _KitKat_ Posts: 1,066 Member
    Not sure if it needs brought up, but he does need to know you are health conscious and into fitness because these are things that help define you now. If he has issues with larger women, he may voice those opinions and you may feel the need to tell him or just call him a jerk :grumble: Unless you past weight plays a role in your current life then it is in the past, would you feel the need to tell him you dyed your hair red at 18?

    ETA if things progress than most likely it will be brought up but telling him like it is a deep dark secret isn't needed.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    I don't think there's a point in bringing it up as a prominent topic (i.e. "I really want to tell you about this time I lost all this weight..."), personally, but if it comes up, then I wouldn't be shy about talking about it. It shouldn't impact his opinion of you, are you worried it will? I'm curious what the desire to talk about it is about.

    If I were dating someone who only knew me at my current weight, I would be concerned about the way knowing my previous weight issues would affect his view of me. There are a lot of prejudices against obesity and a lot of people who are very freaked out by it, even if they might be fine with quite chubby partners they perceive as average sized, they would balk at even dating someone who used to be 150 lb overweight. That's awful...but it's definitely true. It would be something that could be worked out, or not...but I'd want to have that kind of conversation pretty early in the game, myself.

    Also, for me if I was single right now and dating someone new, they would quickly wonder what was up because I don't live in a small town but when I go out in public I'm always running into someone from my past who has a strong reaction to the change in my appearance and they comment about 90% of the time and ask questions. So my fatter past wouldn't be easily hidden if I wanted to hide it.
  • azyzzam
    azyzzam Posts: 36
    I did this once to a guy I was pretty close with, and really liked but to my surprise he basically ridiculed me. It was something along the lines of him wanting to watch me play basketball while fat and he thought it was funny.

    So ****ed up.

    He was no Brad Pitt himself, but I started ignoring him and he kept trying to make up for it (he realized how rude he was I think) by saying he liked my outfits, I could "pull them off" etc. Umm. no thanks ******bag.

    A different guy who I still haven't officially gone out with wouldn't believe me that I was ever heavier. I don't know why he thinks I'm lying haha, but I got the impression that he probably wouldn't like me if I was heavier. He said he couldn't picture me at my highest weight.

    So I guess it depends on the guy...
  • bd0027
    bd0027 Posts: 1,053 Member
    I think once I lose all of my weight, I'll mention it just to see how the guy responds. I want to pick out the guys who are turned off by it or sort of ridicule me for it because those aren't guys that I'm interested in getting to know.
  • AglaeaC
    AglaeaC Posts: 1,974 Member
    Personally, I wouldn't bring it up during the first few dates, but if things got serious I definitely would at some point talk about it. All things in my past have made me who I am today and I don't feel ashamed of any of them. If my date/boyfriend would mention something similar, I'd be happy to have been let into his life on such a profound level. And I'd be interested in all aspects of his past, the way I hope he would be interested in mine. I think it's called knowing each other inside out.

    ETA Tried to edit bad spelling.
  • tracy_getsfit
    tracy_getsfit Posts: 106 Member
    I am in the same boat...but I think that showing your healthy lifestyle and healthy eating they would see that. But I also think that it what you have done is something to be proud of...so why not share it if you get serious...it is an amazing job you have done! So congrats!
  • wannehunter85
    wannehunter85 Posts: 133
    I think it is something that I would mention if things get more serious between us. We haven't really spoken to much about our pasts yet since we are still getting to know each other. We are currently in the stage of why we are both living and working abroad which is a fabulous journey in itself. But just like I would share my past divorce because it shapes what my new relationship expectations are, my weight loss has defined who I've become too.


    Thanks for all the feedback!
  • odddrums
    odddrums Posts: 342 Member
    This is something I've mentioned in passing, usually if the conversation moves to lifting or the girl mentions she's not attracted to bigger guys, but it's something I tend to bring up because it's something I'm going through that's kind of important to me. Usually though, it's more I talk about how I'm eating healthy and exercising, embracing a different lifestyle than I had just a few years ago. I've only lost like 20-30 pounds and I'm not where I want to be yet so I always mention weightloss as a change in attitude and something that I am doing, rather than something I have done.

    Honestly though I try not to bring it up unless I'm really getting to know the person or we're having a heavy conversation about health and exercise, then I mention what I've been doing and the results I've been getting. I agree with what the other posters have said, this is you now and how you will be, not who you were. I also agree that you should want someone who would be with you at your worst, which is why I would mention it. Mostly though, I don't bring it up because I still consider myself a little too squishy to be fit, at least in my own eyes. I'm a lot better than I've ever been, but I'm a constant work in progress.
  • becs3578
    becs3578 Posts: 836 Member
    I told the last guy I dated seriously that I had lost 40 lbs and I was really focused on my exercise and health. He kept trying to get me to skip workouts to spend time with him... and eat some crappy stuff.. .and said "you look great you don't need to worry about it.".

    I need to explain that this was BECAUSE of all the hard work I put in and I was not going to stop.

    He was a bit a manipulator and I arent together any more. But yeah.. I was honest about the weightloss when the time arose that Ineeded to say something.. But not just because!
  • wannehunter85
    wannehunter85 Posts: 133
    I guess I am lucky, because I don't think this is much of a problem since he loves going to the gym as well. He has even mentioned us training together. Also, from what I've seen he eats well too. :)
  • Diary_Queen
    Diary_Queen Posts: 1,314 Member
    I always make it known that my focus is on making better choices and that I'm in control of my current destiny much more so than I had been in the past. In my past, there are other negative choices that I made and I've worked to correct those... so segwaying into weight loss isn't a problem for me when meeting new people. I'm very up front about it. This is what I do... these are the things I like to do for myself (eat more healthily, watch my mindless eating, stop rewarding myself or comforting myself with food) and that I exercise to manage stress and to be more fit in many ways. I'm not ashamed of the weight I was, though I do have to frankly recognize the motivations behind slowly allowing myself to gain up to a total of about 450 lbs. I'm proud of my progress and anyone in my life who isn't can kindly not listen to my new recipe for whatever I'm inventing for dinner and doesn't have to take part in the 5k and 10k run schedules I create and follow each year. This is my life and I live it to the best of my ability, as I feel most people should do. I've never been shy to share my story though!

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