Lost the attraction

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Replies

  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
    Remember men are people too

    I want that on a t-shirt.

    You got it!

    <
    luvs men, as a woman who lives with three of them I can say they do have feelings and thoughts when they are not burping farting and pigging out :)

    'Tis true. I'm always thinking "I wonder if anyone will know that was me," when I fart, and I feel proud when no one catches on.

    You run to the bathroom to fart.

    Really, it's part of your charm.

    Good man.
  • enriant
    enriant Posts: 38 Member
    Ok.. I think the points been made.. I probably shouldn't be with him.. But I do love him for who he is, just maybe not who he is with me?

    Look, obviously strangers' advice isn't what should determine the future of a 7-year relationship. But it's worth noting that it isn't all-or-nothing, or shouldn't be. If your relationship is important -- which I'd imagine it is, after 7 years -- see if you can transition to friendship. Just because you care about him and want him in your life doesn't mean you have to make him a central part of it.

    The one thing I'd add is that if he's not interested in pleasing you in bed, then **** him -- only figuratively.

    As a general rule: if he won't go down on you (but expects head), if he's uncomfortable talking about menstruation, if he's not interested in sex with you (for whatever reason, and I know it can vary a lot), if sex turns you into a vessel for his release, if he ever even once insults you or acts uncomfortable around you because of your femininity/sexuality/whatever -- there's probably something deeper going on there that's got nothing to do with you, but there's no reason you should put up with it. Especially if he's not making you feel good -- or at least better -- about yourself.
  • TheVirgoddess
    TheVirgoddess Posts: 4,535 Member
    I can definitely say that it doesn't have anything to do with beliefs.. He is not the first person I have been with so I don't see that being an issue. I have anyways been one to not have an issue having sex except for maybe confidence.. Maybe its time to try and spice things up myself.. He isn't the best in bed.. Sorry to say.

    People aren't good or bad at sex, they just haven't been taught what their partner wants. Do you tell him what feels good/what you need/want? It's *really* important to do so. He's going in blind otherwise. Every woman has different needs in bed - it's not fair to make him try to guess how to please you. And even if he has a small penis, it can still work (or you know, he can use toys on you). You have to use your imagination in the sack. He's only 50% responsible for your pleasure. The other half is on you.

    Also, remember being sexually attracted to someone isn't just about sex. It's about flirting, looks, casual touches, kisses in the middle of the day, etc. My husband and I are affectionate - which leads to a pretty fantastic sex life. There's always that undercurrent of sexual tension because we make it priority.

    Most women have times when the drive just isn't there. I read erotic literature when that happens and it gets me ready to roll.

    I think you should sit down and talk to him - tell him what you told us, and see if you guys can't work on the sex thing. You have to try too, though.

    Best of luck.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    I can definitely say that it doesn't have anything to do with beliefs.. He is not the first person I have been with so I don't see that being an issue. I have anyways been one to not have an issue having sex except for maybe confidence.. Maybe its time to try and spice things up myself.. He isn't the best in bed.. Sorry to say.

    THe only thing you two are mising in the bedroom is communication

    He can get better in bed if you have the time and patience to show him what you want.

    No one is born a superlover. Lovemaking and compatibility come with time and communication.

    Work on bettering your relationship from the inside out, try that and surely good sex will follow.

    Remember men are people too and they have thoughts and feelings even when it doesnt appear that way. Have an open honest conversation with him with out judgement or blame and u may be pleasantly surprised.

    If you cant communicate consider moving on.

    Good point. There is a lot of pressure on men to be amazing in bed and we are often made to feel like we are lesser men if we aren't terrific. Part of that is ego and part is social pressure. Communication and approaching it with an open mind are two very important facets of becoming a better lover, IMO.

    Yeah, but OP said this:
    I do try my best to communicate with him.. Its hard to has a hard time listening and he isn't all that egger to please is what I keep feeling like.. I am sure its just the way that he is.. I love him as a person but as a partner, I'm not to sure.

    I totally get what you are saying though.

    Yeah but that could be embarrassment on his part, especially if she hasn't communicated tactfully.

    Or also because most men are loathe to talk about it and admit they have things to work on.

    Yeah, but for 7 years?

    I am not saying OP is a good communicator and isn't a horrible lover herself. Just saying that after 7 years of lackluster sex, no matter what the issue actually is, its safe to say they aren't going to find it.
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
    I can definitely say that it doesn't have anything to do with beliefs.. He is not the first person I have been with so I don't see that being an issue. I have anyways been one to not have an issue having sex except for maybe confidence.. Maybe its time to try and spice things up myself.. He isn't the best in bed.. Sorry to say.

    THe only thing you two are mising in the bedroom is communication

    He can get better in bed if you have the time and patience to show him what you want.

    No one is born a superlover. Lovemaking and compatibility come with time and communication.

    Work on bettering your relationship from the inside out, try that and surely good sex will follow.

    Remember men are people too and they have thoughts and feelings even when it doesnt appear that way. Have an open honest conversation with him with out judgement or blame and u may be pleasantly surprised.

    If you cant communicate consider moving on.

    Good point. There is a lot of pressure on men to be amazing in bed and we are often made to feel like we are lesser men if we aren't terrific. Part of that is ego and part is social pressure. Communication and approaching it with an open mind are two very important facets of becoming a better lover, IMO.

    Yeah, but OP said this:
    I do try my best to communicate with him.. Its hard to has a hard time listening and he isn't all that egger to please is what I keep feeling like.. I am sure its just the way that he is.. I love him as a person but as a partner, I'm not to sure.

    I totally get what you are saying though.

    Yeah but that could be embarrassment on his part, especially if she hasn't communicated tactfully.

    Or also because most men are loathe to talk about it and admit they have things to work on.

    Yeah, but for 7 years?

    I am not saying OP is a good communicator and isn't a horrible lover herself. Just saying that after 7 years of lackluster sex, no matter what the issue actually is, its safe to say they aren't going to find it.

    Point taken and I agree completely.
  • Well, the fact that you think it might be somewhat to do with yourself and feeling attractive says a lot as well, maybe there is something to do with his side of things as well, but usually your subconscious mind has somewhat of an idea. ;) I'd bet a good part of it is self image, sometimes increase in weight can also change your hormones as well. A lot of attraction and desire is mental and you appear to have a big self image, relationship and also a communication issue here at least, all of which you recognized in your first post. Don't let people just direct you to "its the guys fault" because its popular and easier here and see a therapist!
  • erobinson90
    erobinson90 Posts: 36
    I am not trying to put it all on him. I am not a "man hater". I love him for being there for me fore 7 years of my life, and being the biggest part of my life.. Communication is a huge (!) part of out relationship that is suffering.. He's one of those men that doesn't talk about feelings and I mean refuses to talk about them.. He doesn't really pay attention to what I have to say but maybe I could sit down and start the conversation with what he likes and what he would want to me do.. Get the ball rolling.. try anyways, it has been 7 years. And if that doesn't seem to help.. Well.. I don't know, he definitely isn't affectionate and it is putting a toll on how I feel about myself. His version of affection is sex.. end of story
  • Mainebikerchick
    Mainebikerchick Posts: 1,573 Member
    1. Not sexually attracted to him.
    2. Sex isn't all that great. (probably due to both of you not feeling it)
    3. Not sure if you love him.



    It sounds to me like you both are together because it is easy and comfortable rather than you really want to be.

    ^^THIS....sounds about right.
  • TheVirgoddess
    TheVirgoddess Posts: 4,535 Member
    I am not trying to put it all on him. I am not a "man hater". I love him for being there for me fore 7 years of my life, and being the biggest part of my life.. Communication is a huge (!) part of out relationship that is suffering.. He's one of those men that doesn't talk about feelings and I mean refuses to talk about them.. He doesn't really pay attention to what I have to say but maybe I could sit down and start the conversation with what he likes and what he would want to me do.. Get the ball rolling.. try anyways, it has been 7 years. And if that doesn't seem to help.. Well.. I don't know, he definitely isn't affectionate and it is putting a toll on how I feel about myself. His version of affection is sex.. end of story

    I just think if you've invested 7 years of your life with him, it's worth one more real effort.

    Maybe make a game of it. Make small pieces of paper with sexual acts you each want the other to do, then you blindly pick one that he made, he picks one that you made - and you have to do whatever is on the paper. It might kick his imagination in gear. Everyone has fantasies - find out what his are and share yours, then act them out. There are lots of way to spice things up in the bedroom

    If it doesn't work, you can leave the relationship confident that you did everything you could to save it.
  • knra_grl
    knra_grl Posts: 1,566 Member
    Time for the serious conversation where you both decide whether you can see yourselves together for the rest of your life or even the next 5 yrs. You won't be doing each other any favors by staying together just because you are comfortable with each other. It is possible to still love each other and remain friends if you decide to split. Better than staying together and ending up not liking one another in the end and blaming each other for wasting years of your life only to end up alone.
  • erobinson90
    erobinson90 Posts: 36
    I am not trying to put it all on him. I am not a "man hater". I love him for being there for me fore 7 years of my life, and being the biggest part of my life.. Communication is a huge (!) part of out relationship that is suffering.. He's one of those men that doesn't talk about feelings and I mean refuses to talk about them.. He doesn't really pay attention to what I have to say but maybe I could sit down and start the conversation with what he likes and what he would want to me do.. Get the ball rolling.. try anyways, it has been 7 years. And if that doesn't seem to help.. Well.. I don't know, he definitely isn't affectionate and it is putting a toll on how I feel about myself. His version of affection is sex.. end of story

    I just think if you've invested 7 years of your life with him, it's worth one more real effort.

    Maybe make a game of it. Make small pieces of paper with sexual acts you each want the other to do, then you blindly pick one that he made, he picks one that you made - and you have to do whatever is on the paper. It might kick his imagination in gear. Everyone has fantasies - find out what his are and share yours, then act them out. There are lots of way to spice things up in the bedroom

    If it doesn't work, you can leave the relationship confident that you did everything you could to save it.

    Ya I guess your right.. I will give it some more thought and try and have a serious conversation with him.
  • gypsy_spirit
    gypsy_spirit Posts: 2,107 Member
    I do try my best to communicate with him.. Its hard to has a hard time listening and he isn't all that egger to please is what I keep feeling like.. I am sure its just the way that he is.. I love him as a person but as a partner, I'm not to sure.

    Life it way too short to hitch yourself to someone that doesn't have the time or energy to listen. You say "that's just the way he is" and I will tell you - that will probably NEVER change. IF you can accept this - then you'll be fine.

    If you have problems being attracted to each other, it could be stemming from the lack of compatibility in your day to day relationship. It could be a health problem. It could be self esteem issues. It could be that you're both under a lot of stress. Frankly, it could be anything.

    The person that you need to discuss this with is him. Then you can decide if this is what you want for your life. Best of luck.
  • baba_helly
    baba_helly Posts: 810 Member
    You love him but aren't in love with him. You seek more out of a relationship than he is able and willing to provide (both sexually and emotionally). Seems like what needs to happen is obvious unless you are willing to continue to accept the way things are. Good luck OP.
  • LC458
    LC458 Posts: 300 Member
    Been with my man for 5 yrs and I can't keep my hands off him. That being said I had many relationships where I didn't find my partner sexually attractive after some time but the fact that I haven't had that fallout with my partner now I realize how important sexual attraction is (IMO ) and while it may not be important to everyone I have realized through him how important it is to me. I also know people go through dry spells too so maybe your on a dry spell. I'm sorry though because it is a way to bond with one another. I feel for you though. I hope you find what works best for you :)

    Edit: sorry I reread where you said that it's been declining for yrs so it's probably not a dry spell. I think 7 yrs deserves therapy, conversation, maybe even spicing things up on your end (not to put it all on you but if he isn't making that effort). I don't think you should feel bad though for the way you feel and what your needs are. Your a couple, you two need to grow as a couple and that includes sex.
  • missjanetleigh
    missjanetleigh Posts: 149 Member
    Relationships can be so very toxic to you both mentally and physically.

    You have to decide what is important to you and sit him down and tell him about it. If he avoids you then I'm sorry you have your answer.

    I lived like this for years with my ex. then when the marriage ended, to my shock my weight started to fall off of me.

    My body was under so much stress that no matter what I did workout wise, eating right none of it mattered.

    One cannot speak for another but I do know this was how it happened for me. I wish you well in whatever you choose.
  • Derpes
    Derpes Posts: 2,033 Member
    I can definitely say that it doesn't have anything to do with beliefs.. He is not the first person I have been with so I don't see that being an issue. I have anyways been one to not have an issue having sex except for maybe confidence.. Maybe its time to try and spice things up myself.. He isn't the best in bed.. Sorry to say.

    THe only thing you two are mising in the bedroom is communication

    He can get better in bed if you have the time and patience to show him what you want.

    No one is born a superlover. Lovemaking and compatibility come with time and communication.

    Work on bettering your relationship from the inside out, try that and surely good sex will follow.

    Remember men are people too and they have thoughts and feelings even when it doesnt appear that way. Have an open honest conversation with him with out judgement or blame and u may be pleasantly surprised.

    If you cant communicate consider moving on.

    Good point. There is a lot of pressure on men to be amazing in bed and we are often made to feel like we are lesser men if we aren't terrific. Part of that is ego and part is social pressure. Communication and approaching it with an open mind are two very important facets of becoming a better lover, IMO.

    Yeah, but OP said this:
    I do try my best to communicate with him.. Its hard to has a hard time listening and he isn't all that egger to please is what I keep feeling like.. I am sure its just the way that he is.. I love him as a person but as a partner, I'm not to sure.

    I totally get what you are saying though.

    Yeah but that could be embarrassment on his part, especially if she hasn't communicated tactfully.

    Or also because most men are loathe to talk about it and admit they have things to work on.

    Yeah, but for 7 years?

    I am not saying OP is a good communicator and isn't a horrible lover herself. Just saying that after 7 years of lackluster sex, no matter what the issue actually is, its safe to say they aren't going to find it.

    Their only hope is to place an order from the Adam and Eve catalog.....if that does not help.....just break up.
  • jennifer_417
    jennifer_417 Posts: 12,344 Member
    It kinda sounds like you're kinda trying to come up with a legit way to say, "It's not you, it's me...." But the thing is, it kinda sounds like it's mostly him.

    Look, change is scary, but you don't wanna settle.
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
    ... I love him (I think)...But I am just not sexually attracted to him...I don't know if we should stay together and see if things get better or not..

    Stop wasting your time with this guy. It's not a match. If you stick around to see if things get better, you could be waiting forever. :flowerforyou:
  • AllOutof_Bubblegum
    AllOutof_Bubblegum Posts: 3,646 Member
    You "think" you love him?

    Then you don't. You KNOW when you love someone. If you have to stop and think about it, that answers it for you right there. You don't love him. Stop wasting both of your time and break up with him.
  • spacelump
    spacelump Posts: 233 Member
    I am not trying to put it all on him. I am not a "man hater". I love him for being there for me fore 7 years of my life, and being the biggest part of my life.. Communication is a huge (!) part of out relationship that is suffering.. He's one of those men that doesn't talk about feelings and I mean refuses to talk about them.. He doesn't really pay attention to what I have to say but maybe I could sit down and start the conversation with what he likes and what he would want to me do.. Get the ball rolling.. try anyways, it has been 7 years. And if that doesn't seem to help.. Well.. I don't know, he definitely isn't affectionate and it is putting a toll on how I feel about myself. His version of affection is sex.. end of story

    This says it all, in your very own words. He isn't affectionate, a good communicator, an adequate lover. What *is* he, if I may ask? You sound as if you stay with him out of obligation. I think based off majority, you know what the obvious answer is, but you will do as you wish. I wouldn't be with a partner whom didn't emotionally, mentally or physically meet my needs despite my efforts. That sounds like a bum. Someone who won't engage in the basic standards of a companionship = bum.

    ETA: Apparently, user deactivated their account. The truth sucks. For sure. :/
  • SLLRunner
    SLLRunner Posts: 12,942 Member
    Anyone notice she's deactivated her account?
  • Phoenix__Rising
    Phoenix__Rising Posts: 9,981 Member
    Okay, looking back at an early adulthood bf I once had, you sound very similar.
    Could it be deep down you know he is wrong for you and perhaps he senses it?
    If all this is under the surface you might be covering your feelings of guilt with
    food/extra weight. You have to really reflect. If you two are badly matched,
    psychologically it's going to produce symptoms but only you know. Just do some
    soul searching. good luck!
  • Phoenix__Rising
    Phoenix__Rising Posts: 9,981 Member
    Anyone notice she's deactivated her account?

    Maybe she'll lurk for her replies? She might be afraid he'll see her post.
  • ereck44
    ereck44 Posts: 1,170 Member
    Anyone notice she's deactivated her account?

    Sad! As she was getting good advice here (mostly). It seemed to me that he was getting what he wanted out of the relationship without having to put much effort into it, and they both stayed together because it is easier to stay in a "not so great" relationship after that many years than to cut their losses and start over.
    Just my take after only hearing one side of it.