Curvy Dating
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beautyforashes777
Posts: 25
Hello, I am posting this because I really need support and kind words. I can't ask anyone I know because they will tell me what I want to hear instead of the truth.
I am 5'5 and 189 lbs. Up until a few years ago, I have NEVER had trouble with my weight. All through high school, the most I ever weighed was in the 140's range. I have gained so much weight the past couple years. My family said it happened really fast. I suspect that this started when I was put on a new antidepressant. I've been on it for two years, but my new doctor is telling me it could be what triggered the weight gain. This was after years of my old doctor telling me that it doesn't cause weight gain.
A week ago, my doctor and I decided to try weaning me off the medicine. I have cut my dose in half. I'm starting to feel more depressed but nothing I can't handle. Now that you have a little background, I'll cut to the chase:
I had a terrible break up before I was put on this medication. I was skinny when I was with him. I always had a boyfriend in high school, they were easy for me to find. But since I gained all this weight, I have been on more dates than I can count, and most of them didn't lead to second dates. I have not been in a relationship since I gained all of the weight. I have been on dating sites and some guys seem interested, but then they meet me in person and I usually don't see them again. Its like they see me and are disappointed. Lately its gotten to the point where the guys don't even end up showing up to the dates for whatever reason. I waited a few days ago for an hour almost and the guy then told me something came up. He never showed.
My point is this: I feel as if since I gained all of this weight (going from around 145 to 189), guys do not see me as attractive because of my body. It really makes me sad. When I was skinny I would eat till I was almost sick, and never gain a pound. I eat less now and I can't seem to lose even half a pound.
I feel like guys find me unattractive because of my weight. It sucks. I just want it to go away. I've been single so long that the loneliness hurts, a lot. Do any other ladies here feel the same? Do any of the men here have anything to say?
I am 5'5 and 189 lbs. Up until a few years ago, I have NEVER had trouble with my weight. All through high school, the most I ever weighed was in the 140's range. I have gained so much weight the past couple years. My family said it happened really fast. I suspect that this started when I was put on a new antidepressant. I've been on it for two years, but my new doctor is telling me it could be what triggered the weight gain. This was after years of my old doctor telling me that it doesn't cause weight gain.
A week ago, my doctor and I decided to try weaning me off the medicine. I have cut my dose in half. I'm starting to feel more depressed but nothing I can't handle. Now that you have a little background, I'll cut to the chase:
I had a terrible break up before I was put on this medication. I was skinny when I was with him. I always had a boyfriend in high school, they were easy for me to find. But since I gained all this weight, I have been on more dates than I can count, and most of them didn't lead to second dates. I have not been in a relationship since I gained all of the weight. I have been on dating sites and some guys seem interested, but then they meet me in person and I usually don't see them again. Its like they see me and are disappointed. Lately its gotten to the point where the guys don't even end up showing up to the dates for whatever reason. I waited a few days ago for an hour almost and the guy then told me something came up. He never showed.
My point is this: I feel as if since I gained all of this weight (going from around 145 to 189), guys do not see me as attractive because of my body. It really makes me sad. When I was skinny I would eat till I was almost sick, and never gain a pound. I eat less now and I can't seem to lose even half a pound.
I feel like guys find me unattractive because of my weight. It sucks. I just want it to go away. I've been single so long that the loneliness hurts, a lot. Do any other ladies here feel the same? Do any of the men here have anything to say?
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Replies
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All men have all different concepts of beauty. There are men out there who want women so fat they're immobile and find them devastatingly attractive. You don't have to worry about finding someone who likes you in SPITE of your body. You will find someone who loves you for your personality and the way you look.
I met my fiance five years ago and I was still fat then. We met in high school, granted, so it's different than dating as an adult, but he still found me attractive and he still does to this day.
Everyone is different . . . don't let the mainstream get you down!0 -
thank you. I've never been so lonely than these past few years...0
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The most important thing is how you are projecting yourself....if you feel less confident it may be impacting how you approach others and how you are perceived by others......so it could be a matter of that versus weight........0
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I personally haven't had this happen to me. But those individuals who stood you up or blew you off are awful.
I think it would be beneficial to talk to a therapist about these feelings. From what I've read, it seems like this weight gain has really taken a toll on your self esteem, when it shouldn't. You may have gained weight, but you're still a person. You have hobbies, interests, a personality, ect, and those are all things that weight can't change. It sounds like you've been really hard on yourself, and you gotta remember there's a great person in there, s/o or not!
Guy wise, if they're going to blow you off on a date or not call back because of your weight, they're not worth it. You will meet someone who likes you for you, for your personality, for your quirks, and everything else that encompasses you. It just takes time. I was off the market for almost two years after a high school breakup, and I took that time to enjoy life, my first few years in college, and learn to like myself.
Don't think of being single as a time to feel lonesome.. think of it as a time to get to know you, love you, and bring back the happy and confident young lady that's in there! Relationships can happen at the most unexpected times, so try not to fret.
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Okay missy...
I remember someone telling me that if I wanted to find a decent looking man I had to lose weight...
I was about 180 at that point...guess what...
I found a great man...see that profile pic...that's him.
He met me when I was 180lbs, found out I had a teenage son, and I am 9 years older than him...
He is a hottie...seriously, slim not skinny, hard worker, fit, loving ...(K I am done gushing now)
He married me when I was heavy..and I got heavier...topped out at 205 (I think) he didn't care...I yo yo'd the same 20-30lbs for the next 4 years...he didn't care (except for my health) then this time I lost the weight...all of it then some...I am 25lbs lighter than when we met...he doesn't care...
He loves me now, loved me then and will continue to love me...now you may wonder why...I asked him...
And he says guys don't talk "code"..meaning when they say it they mean it...
For him it doesn't matter my size...it's about my confidence and sexuality...it was the fact that I was a bigger girl and didn't think it made me ugly or less attractive and I was very upfront about what I wanted...
If you don't want to be seen you wont be seen...if you aren't confident in something other than your outside then what is gonna happen when you are "Older"...a senior and start to get grey or wrinkle...
Your weight isn't stopping you from finding someone you are...you don't feel worthy...and if your worth is tied up in your weight...find something else to make youself worthy...smart, sexy, funny, artistic, sporty, muscial something that makes you worth it to you...0 -
When I'm fat I get less or no attention...when I was skinny I got a lot of it....so most people say it doesn't matter but I feel it does0
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How about taking some time for just you right now? Concentrate on you, how YOU want your lifestyle to be. Try new things, discard what you don't like and pursue the things you do. I don't think MOST guys are into weight, I think they are into confidence. I'm not a guy, so I can't speak for them...0
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sorry you're having such a tough time.
just remember that confidence comes from within, not from a number on a scale or jean size.
i know plenty of women (myself included) who are far bigger than you who have no problems finding guys who appreciate them and who are what other people would call "catches".
just remember that we tend to attract how we feel about ourselves. want to be invisible then dont be surprised if you get overlooked. if you find yourself unattractive and unworthy then that's who'll you'll attract.
so much easier to just believe you're the *kitten* and not worry about what someone else with their own issues might or might not think of you
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The most important thing is how you are projecting yourself....if you feel less confident it may be impacting how you approach others and how you are perceived by others......so it could be a matter of that versus weight........
This was my first thought.0 -
When I'm fat I get less or no attention...when I was skinny I got a lot of it....so most people say it doesn't matter but I feel it does
No it doesn't...I had as much attention as a "bigger" girl as I get now...actually less now...probably the wedding ring but I doubt it..
@OP see even Derpes said what my husband said...it's about the confidence...0 -
I am over two hundred pounds. My fiance didn't date me when I was a skinny miss in high school, instead we friendzoned each other. My solution? Stop. Don't go looking. Find friends instead. Dating is basically over rated. Make a friend for life, not some boy toy you met on a date. Get active in the community, so you won't be lonely. If you're not allergic, volunteer at an animal shelter, and you'll get more than loved on by a bunch of animals. People on dating sites, from experience, can be terribly misleading. Instead, find something you love and do it. You may find yourself in love along the way.
Besides, men are basically kind of boring, until you find one who considers you more than a pair of boobs and a butt to stare at. For now, enjoy your life, and don't worry about the opposite sex, or whatever sex drives you. Do what you love, and you will find love.0 -
I think there are men out there who LOVE curvy women and don't want to be with super thin women. Different strokes for different folks sort of thing. I would probably forego the dating sites for awhile since it is making you feel even more lonely and depressed. Give it a break. Maybe try to get involved in other activities in real life and you may meet someone that way! That way, they see you physically first and there are no guessing games as to what you really look like in real life versus a picture on the net.0
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I noticed that with dating, the only men that want to date are mostly into some kind of weird, sexual fetish that involves 'fat' women. They are usually just obsessed with my rear, and want NOTHING to do with dating, just their version of 'intimacy'. Some will be upfront with intentions, usually too bold and rude. Others will pretend to care until either I don't show interest in that, then they fade away. A lot of them are very handsome, very built bodies or athletic. I'm very surprised that they are interested, but I think it's some kind of sexual fetish that their friends will probably not know about. Sometime I think that if I lose weight, I will probably attract men of better quality, but then i'm left thinking...........are they only going to care about me because I'm fit? I think with being fat, it makes it impossible to date good men. The men who are interested who are bigger are not interesting AT ALL in being fit, they just want to play video games. They don't want to swim, hike, camp, fish or anything outdoors. So I'm left with nothing! So I feel your pain. I think with being overweight, there are a lot of mental hurdles to overcome. Being overweight has taught me to be humble and sensitive towards others that life has been less kind to. I like who I am due to the struggles I had to overcome by rejection from being fat. I just hate what it means in the dating world. I'm either a fetish or disgusting. To be honest, I feel like I'm trying to lose weight to get a good man in my life. Lol. Anyway...just wanted to tell you, I understand. I think in the end, you do have to look within a reasonable manner in order to get a man of your own personal qualifications. It's a hard truth. I keep wishing someone would love me as I am and support me in getting in shape, but it's a pipe dream.0
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Lots of men LOVE women with curves. In fact, my husband doesn't like that I am losing weight. It's about my health though.
Dress your curves the right way and be confident. Men are attracted to confident women. 0 -
Another thing..it's crazy that when you mention you're trying to date, people automatically assume you're not doing anything else with your life. I am in college full time for Health Care Administration, a mother to two toddlers, full time pharmacy technician, babysitter most nights of the week, and American Red Cross Volunteer at a military hospital. When I WAS going to the gym, I got hit on by mostly married guys. And where is that going to lead? No where. So it's not like we don't have anything else going on in life. I know you're probably involved in other things. I will say online dating is depression. It's based on ONLY looks. But it seems to be the only option we have these days, especially with busy schedules.0
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Completely agree with this.The most important thing is how you are projecting yourself....if you feel less confident it may be impacting how you approach others and how you are perceived by others......so it could be a matter of that versus weight........0 -
The most important thing is how you are projecting yourself....if you feel less confident it may be impacting how you approach others and how you are perceived by others......so it could be a matter of that versus weight........
This was my first thought.
Completely agreed... I don't weigh much less than you at all and as I've lost weight my confidence has increased and so hasq attention from the opposite sex. Own it and you will find someone who likes you the way you are. :flowerforyou:0 -
I met my boyfriend when I was 15ish and he was in a relationship. I was a little curvier and he thought I was adorable (his g/f hated it) and then we got together when I was twenty and I was about 165lbs and he thought I was a goddess (no idea why...)
I proceeded to put on TONS of weight and topped out at 240lbs and he was ok with it. He was concerned about my health of course because I have sleep apnea and a few other things. I quickly decided that I didn't want to be that weight and I went down to 150ish lbs and I felt amazing! He still loved me all the same, but LOVED my level of confidence, especially in crowds. I was way more extroverted, but LOVED me all the same.
I got pregnant and quickly ballooned up and he adored me regardless... after my daughter I had a herniated disc and had mobility issues, he admired my strength to be the best I could be.
I then got diagnosed with a thyroid problem and he again, loved me just the same
I quickly got up to 263lbs, which is the heaviest that I have ever been.... and he still thought of me just the same.
I'm losing weight again (down 20lbs - WOOT!) and guess what, it makes no difference to him.
Men don't just go after women based on their looks and if that's the type of guy you want then it wouldn't work out anyway.
Make friends and have fun, great things come your way when you aren't looking 0 -
The most important thing is how you are projecting yourself....if you feel less confident it may be impacting how you approach others and how you are perceived by others......so it could be a matter of that versus weight........
I agree 100%
Take this time to really learn how to love yourself. I'm sure that there are many wonderful qualities about you that you can focus on while you work on improving what you don't like. When you realize that you are awesome no matter what size you are, people will pick up on that.
As far as getting yourself out there, look on meetup.com to see if there are any social groups out there that are geared towards your interests. It might help boost your confidence to socialize with a group of people with the same interests as you.0 -
+2The most important thing is how you are projecting yourself....if you feel less confident it may be impacting how you approach others and how you are perceived by others......so it could be a matter of that versus weight........
This was my first thought.
This has a lot to do with it with most women. I've dated traditional model size women along with plus-sized. Confidence trumps many many things...0
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