Curvy Dating
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Okay missy...
I remember someone telling me that if I wanted to find a decent looking man I had to lose weight...
I was about 180 at that point...guess what...
I found a great man...see that profile pic...that's him.
He met me when I was 180lbs, found out I had a teenage son, and I am 9 years older than him...
He is a hottie...seriously, slim not skinny, hard worker, fit, loving ...(K I am done gushing now)
He married me when I was heavy..and I got heavier...topped out at 205 (I think) he didn't care...I yo yo'd the same 20-30lbs for the next 4 years...he didn't care (except for my health) then this time I lost the weight...all of it then some...I am 25lbs lighter than when we met...he doesn't care...
He loves me now, loved me then and will continue to love me...now you may wonder why...I asked him...
And he says guys don't talk "code"..meaning when they say it they mean it...
For him it doesn't matter my size...it's about my confidence and sexuality...it was the fact that I was a bigger girl and didn't think it made me ugly or less attractive and I was very upfront about what I wanted...
If you don't want to be seen you wont be seen...if you aren't confident in something other than your outside then what is gonna happen when you are "Older"...a senior and start to get grey or wrinkle...
Your weight isn't stopping you from finding someone you are...you don't feel worthy...and if your worth is tied up in your weight...find something else to make youself worthy...smart, sexy, funny, artistic, sporty, muscial something that makes you worth it to you...
I LOVE THIS ENTIRE THING. just sayin' :flowerforyou: :noway: :drinker:0 -
I think you look great.
But more importantly, I admire your courage to write this post. It means you are self-aware and intelligent and aware of your surroundings. Kudos.
Please do remember that although you cannot relate to it or believe me right now, you are very young and your taste and perspective will evolve over time. You should be who you are and who you want to be. Anyone worthy of you will love you for who you are - thick or thin, sideways or upside down.
First and foremost enjoy life. Nothing else matters. Enjoy every day. Avoid drama.
Bets of luck!0 -
Who are you dating?
As an overweight person, are you seeking to date men who are fit...and who probably have a reasonable expectation of the same from you? If they are displaying disappointment when meeting you in person, its probably because you are misrepresenting yourself. If they came expecting to meet someone in shape...and didn't...who's fault is that? And it might be disappointment in your lack of honesty as much as your weight.
Not trying to be terribly rude. And I realize that there is a possibility that you'll find a prince charming type who honestly doesn't care what you weight. Odds are against though.0 -
Who are you dating?
As an overweight person, are you seeking to date men who are fit...and who probably have a reasonable expectation of the same from you? If they are displaying disappointment when meeting you in person, its probably because you are misrepresenting yourself. If they came expecting to meet someone in shape...and didn't...who's fault is that? And it might be disappointment in your lack of honesty as much as your weight.
Not trying to be terribly rude. And I realize that there is a possibility that you'll find a prince charming type who honestly doesn't care what you weight. Odds are against though.
That is a hard realization though. It is the way it is though.0 -
If it makes you feel any better, I went on probably ten first dates that led to exactly zero second dates. I'm 6', 165#, and size 8. It really probably has nothing to do with your size. If they weren't attracted to you in the first place, they wouldn't have agreed to the date. If you have misleading pictures, that's an entirely different story though...
At any rate, good luck, and I hope you find happiness!0 -
Who are you dating?
As an overweight person, are you seeking to date men who are fit...and who probably have a reasonable expectation of the same from you? If they are displaying disappointment when meeting you in person, its probably because you are misrepresenting yourself. If they came expecting to meet someone in shape...and didn't...who's fault is that? And it might be disappointment in your lack of honesty as much as your weight.
Not trying to be terribly rude. And I realize that there is a possibility that you'll find a prince charming type who honestly doesn't care what you weight. Odds are against though.
Also agree 100%!0 -
You have some much more to offer a man than just your body. If a guy isn't interested for any reason all you can do is move on, if someone is so superficial that they aren't interested in you because of your weight then they aren't worth being with in the first place.
It sounds like you may be headed in the right direction by adjusting your medication, trying to lose weight and not being able to is so frustrating I know. I was the same as you skinny all through high school and then due to several different factors it became really hard for me to lose weight and it SUCKED and still does suck. I have to work so hard both watching what I eat and working out to maintain a skinny figure.
Sure you are going to feel down sometimes but more then anything you have to love yourself and cherish all the qualities you have that are SO much more important then your body and appearance. Give 100% everyday to eating right and staying fit and be confident know you are doing the best you can, change takes time (usually lots of time). Don't get downhearted or it will creep into all aspects of your life. Chin up beautiful!!0 -
The most important thing is how you are projecting yourself....if you feel less confident it may be impacting how you approach others and how you are perceived by others......so it could be a matter of that versus weight........
^this. Self confidence goes a long way. Love yourself first before looking for love.0 -
I think that kind of dating is very hit or miss by nature. I commend you for right away getting to the meeting phase so no one is misled... most importantly you.
Try not to blame the nature of that game on your weight. That lack of confidence will begin to show and I'm even wondering if you are beginning to "show" that discomfort in your online interchanges and that's resulting in the no shows.
I think I'd recommend filtering a lot more for who you meet to make sure THEY really match YOUR priorities.
I'd also recommend that if you are not at your most confident best, reserving that kind of dating just for fun for now.
Postpone serious life partner seeking until you feel like your true self. I think being able to project that online and in person will give you your best chance of finding a person who is attracted to the "real you" so to speak. And thus the relationship has it's best chance to be a lasting one.
I hope that makes sense and does not come off as you are not valid as a person while overweight, but I've been on these boards long enough to notice that some people feel perfectly fine and confident at their larger size while others are severely limited in the self confidence department during those times. I'm one of those so I feel like I recognize that in you. I hope I'm not too off base.:flowerforyou:0 -
I agree with many of the other posts. I am also on an online dating site after a recent break up.
I have put up-to-date full length pictures of what I look like. I would expect the same from other people looking to go on a date. If I found that the men misrepresented themselves, I would not finish the date nor go on a second date.
I notice that most men misrepresent their height. That irks me because ---what, they think I won't notice?!?0 -
I'm really close to your stats, and I have been in a relationship for the past 6 years with someone who loves me for me, no matter if my weight fluctuates. There is the right person out there for you, don't sweat it. To be honest, the right one always seems to come along right when you least expect it. (However cliched that sounds, it's true.) Love yourself, and then people will see that you are someone worth loving!
Hope you feel better, it's not easy but you'll look back one day and you'll have moved on. :flowerforyou:0 -
This...you have to like yourself in order to be liked.The most important thing is how you are projecting yourself....if you feel less confident it may be impacting how you approach others and how you are perceived by others......so it could be a matter of that versus weight........0 -
Dating aside, I'd be careful with your medication- you say that you are under doctor supervision, which is good, but cutting an antidepressant dosage in HALF as a means of weaning yourself off is really extreme. Depending on what your dosage was originally, cutting it in half could cause some major withdrawal symptoms. Typically you want to decrease by a few milligrams at a time- depending on the medication, you can even have it prescribed in liquid form so that you can use a syringe to portion out the correct amount. Again, you say you are working with a doctor to do this, but I just wanted to put it out there. I would also recommend supplementing your therapy with some additional sessions if possible so you can adjust to coping with triggering situations without the aid of a medication.
Finding love is important, but don't forget about the most important person- you. You might find that when you are in a positive place, people will be more attracted to that energy.
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By the way, my profile picture isn't me now. Just wanted to clarify.
What picture are you using on the dating sites?0 -
By the way, my profile picture isn't me now. Just wanted to clarify.
That was understood to me by your post. That was clear to me at least. Try not to get caught up in what people here think of you, your pics, your methods, or your tone or style.
This site has soooooooooooo many people on it that naturally any little thing one person does can one day bother someone else.
If someone else has an opinion about your avatar, just know from right now that at least one person (me) reads that as you feeling like your most powerful "fitspiration" pic is a picture of your own self at a weight at which you are comfortable. I think that's such a valid and realistic goal.0 -
Hello, I am posting this because I really need support and kind words. I can't ask anyone I know because they will tell me what I want to hear instead of the truth.
I am 5'5 and 189 lbs. Up until a few years ago, I have NEVER had trouble with my weight. All through high school, the most I ever weighed was in the 140's range. I have gained so much weight the past couple years. My family said it happened really fast. I suspect that this started when I was put on a new antidepressant. I've been on it for two years, but my new doctor is telling me it could be what triggered the weight gain. This was after years of my old doctor telling me that it doesn't cause weight gain.
A week ago, my doctor and I decided to try weaning me off the medicine. I have cut my dose in half. I'm starting to feel more depressed but nothing I can't handle. Now that you have a little background, I'll cut to the chase:
I had a terrible break up before I was put on this medication. I was skinny when I was with him. I always had a boyfriend in high school, they were easy for me to find. But since I gained all this weight, I have been on more dates than I can count, and most of them didn't lead to second dates. I have not been in a relationship since I gained all of the weight. I have been on dating sites and some guys seem interested, but then they meet me in person and I usually don't see them again. Its like they see me and are disappointed. Lately its gotten to the point where the guys don't even end up showing up to the dates for whatever reason. I waited a few days ago for an hour almost and the guy then told me something came up. He never showed.
My point is this: I feel as if since I gained all of this weight (going from around 145 to 189), guys do not see me as attractive because of my body. It really makes me sad. When I was skinny I would eat till I was almost sick, and never gain a pound. I eat less now and I can't seem to lose even half a pound.
I feel like guys find me unattractive because of my weight. It sucks. I just want it to go away. I've been single so long that the loneliness hurts, a lot. Do any other ladies here feel the same? Do any of the men here have anything to say?
Having a guy go out with you because he thinks you're hot isn't always a good thing. It might even be a bennie to wean out the shallow ones while you're heavy then surprise the nice one that loves you for who you are with a great body! The right guy will like you for who you are not what you look like and that's the damn truth! Also, as fit as you may stay, you will age. If a guy hooks up with you for looks he'll dump you when you get older anyway. Lose/lose.0 -
Obviously, it does matter somewhat...people want to be with someone they are attracted to, and first impressions make a difference. Everyone is attracted to different things, but most people want someone who is seen to be healthy. So people that say "Oh, it doesn't matter one bit." I think are living in a world of denial, just because THEY personally met someone great perhaps, while overweight?
That being said, it's not the MOST important thing, nor should it be. And if that is what is preventing someone from dating you, then who needs them?0 -
I have spent an awful lot of my 20's being quite overweight - I am 5'9" and was always over 200lb.
I also had a heart-wrenching break up and spent a lot of time trying to work out what to do, and was on Zoloft for a period.
When I was ready to put myself out there again - If I wanted male company, I rarely walked away empty handed. I was straight forward with the guy I was interested in and they usually appreciated that. It wasn't often that I met guys I could be bothered putting myself out there for either.
Maybe my standards weren't very high, I don't know... but I had fun. And my much slimmer, pretty, busty flatmate was jealous as heck because apparently I wasn't the only one who thought they were cute.
Additionally - there are a whole lot people out there, and just as you might not like every one of them you come across, you might not be their cup of tea either.0 -
It sounds like you're going through a really tough time right now. I'm sorry. I can tell it hurts.
You've gotten a lot of great advice already. There are just a couple of things I would add:
It sounds like this change in your anti-depressant might have you more down than you realize. You say you can handle it, and you are the best person to make that determination, but remember that if your chemicals are out of balance right now, you might not be seeing things clearly. Things might seem a lot worse than they really are. You say you are being supervised by a doctor. PLEASE keep checking up with that doctor and tell that person about any change in your symptoms.
Also, it sounds like you don't have a lot of online dating experience. You are assuming that online dating is hard because of your curvier-than-you-would-like body, when in fact, you have not online dated as that thinner person you used to be. So, you may be attributing the toughness to your body and it might have nothing to do with that. It could just be that online dating is harder than you realize, regardless of how thin or not thin you are.
Finally, I will echo what others have said which is that lots of people at lots of weight manage to date. Yes, many men prefer slim women, but many men don't prefer slim women. There are men out there that want to date you at exactly the size you are right now. But, it's hard to find them when you are suffering, as you clearly are right now. I know it is hard to be lonely, but you should really consider just focusing on you right now. If you get yourself into a better place, you will be much more attractive to that right guy when he comes along.
Good luck!0 -
Welp, I was 260lbs and I had still had men hitting on me. Even with my fiancè in the same room. My fiance is no slob either. Works out 6 days a week and is a good looking man. Been with him for 13 years. I met him when I was a nice 135lbs and he's been with me through my weight gain and everything. There's so many fish in the sea and sometimes we just have to wait for the perfect one to swim along!
Also, it's not about your size it's about your confidence. If you act like you are worthy and beautiful simply because you're YOU men will flock to that. Even though I'm a bigger gal I still dress nice, do my hair, put on makeup and walk into a room with confidence. You don't have to do those kinds of things but those things make me FEEL good and that shows in the way I handle myself.
I had a friend that was larger than me but all different kinds of people flocked to her because she is just that good with people. It wasn't about her size. She is kind, friendly, and great listener. Those are the things that matter in the end.
That said, if you are not happy with you it shows on the outside. So if you are not comfortable with yourself make that change. That's why I am losing weight now. Not for men, not for family, not to have friends, not even for envy or jealousy. I just want to feel good for me. I want to be able to feel fit and healthy. So if you want to make a change make it for the right reasons.0 -
I've had similar problems with dating. Guys who say they are interested, then stand me up. The reality is, you have no control over them. They are going to do what they are going to do. All you can do is be you. If they aren't interested, that's their problem, and you are better off without them. I know that I'm a great person. I work hard, love my life, have hobbies and skills. I'm funny, kind, generous and intelligent. I may not be traditionally pretty, but I am who I am. You have to be you first and foremost. If you are always honest with yourself about who you are, you'll be surrounded with people who know, love and accept you for you. Eventually, the guy for you will show up. Be patient and keep building you. You are a masterpiece.0
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By the way, my profile picture isn't me now. Just wanted to clarify.
What picture are you using on the dating sites?
Very much more recent ones, for sure. I do not misrepresent myself online. Also, for those reading, please dont assume that because I am spilling my frustrations here that I am doing this when talking to guys online. I posted on here to get opinions from objective sources, haha, not to whine. I don't do this with people on these sites.0 -
Thank you all.0
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SezxyStef
41 years old
Female
Woodstock, NB
"you either want it or you don't "
You seem to think you know everything ....and you don't perhaps you should start a talk show or mentor someone or share you comments with your husband instead of thinking you know everything
But she does know everything. And makes amazing cheesecake. She's the whole package.0 -
:laugh:0
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The most important thing is how you are projecting yourself....if you feel less confident it may be impacting how you approach others and how you are perceived by others......so it could be a matter of that versus weight........
This .....
I weighed 158 in high school and never dated...but I also carried myself like someone who didn't like themselves...
after high school I gained weight but I gained ALOT of confidence also.... all of a sudden I was surrounded...
Im not assuming that you verbally vomit your insecurities onto men but you would be surprised what people can pick up from undertones....body language...0 -
Believe me when I say, I was wayyyy less confident in high school than I have been recently.0
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Believe me when I say, I was wayyyy less confident in high school than I have been recently.
Your physical attractiveness may be be what initially attracts someone to you, but it's not what keeps them there.0 -
Believe me when I say, I was wayyyy less confident in high school than I have been recently.
Your physical attractiveness may be be what initially attracts someone to you, but it's not what keeps them there.
This, it's all about the inner you0 -
When i was 115 i got less attention especially from my hubs
At 140-150 i get Alot!
It all depends... Dont change for 1 man.0
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