Fitter than your partner?

His weight has never affected my attraction to him, and I've never said anything about his weight, except to support his desire to lose weight. Weight is such a personal issue for many people (most, I'd say) that I would never tell anyone, let alone a spouse, that they needed to lose weight. If you're fat, you already know it.

This.

You can't tell someone else what he needs to do. I'm more fit and thinner than my husband, but when I was heavy, he never said word one to me about my weight. I would have been crushed if he had...especially if he had told me (or anyone) that he was not as physically attracted to me as he once was. My MIL made a comment about my weight two and a half months ago and it devastated me. I can't imagine how I would have reacted had it been someone who means the world to me.

Your husband will realize, at some point, that he needs to do something. Until then, just keep doing for you. And be ready to support him when he decides to make a change.

Although I am improving, my husband is stronger, faster and leaner than I am. He never once said anything to me about my becoming obese and never made me feel like it impacted his attraction to me. It would have crushed me AND made the problem worse as I was comfort eating out of depression and low self esteem. When I did start taking my weight and fitness seriously he did nothing but support me - no complaints about my changing my cooking and often watching the kiddos when I worked out. His only comments on the topic have been that I seem happier and more energetic since losing weight and a suggestion that maybe I should buy some smaller clothes to show off my new shape.

I love and appreciate my husband so much and suggest anyone with a less fit partner follow his example.

I lost 70 pounds while I was married to my ex. We both started off morbidly obese. He didn't like anyting fitness related. He is still morbidly obese.
Since I started dating again I've been more into fitness than most of the guys. The guy I'm currently seeing is really into biking, which I think is great. It's nice to be able to have shared hobbies.

My hub has always been fit because he's active duty Army. Alas, he's never really learned good eating habits. When I met him his method for weight control was skipping dinner and running five miles a day. Now he's getting older and his knees have crapped out (torn meniscus x2, surgery on both knees) and he's about 30 lbs overweight. I try to help him with food choices, etc., but I don't want to nag. He basically starves all day (coffee for breakfast, banana for lunch), then comes home and eats non-stop until he goes to bed. I calculated his calories on the sly one day and they added up to about 3000. He still exercises like crazy to keep up with his PT tests, but the weight keeps creeping up. I'm afraid that when he retires he's going to get huge unless he learns how to eat better. I love him so much and I want him to feel good about himself, but I can't be the food police -- he is STUBBORN and every time I've suggested he eat more during the day and count calories, he just blows me off and says "That'll never work for me." Don't know what to do.

9 years ago, which was my last girlfriend, we were equally fit but not working out...just fit! I was coaching football and running but no weights and I certainly wasn't eating right. She had a desk job and never worked out. She looked good, though, so no complaints.

I never really thought about whether my woman was in shape or not. If I loved her, I didn't care. Hmmm! However, I've been divorced 15 years and have only been in love once since then, so I'm not really the guy to give great information about relationships, obviously.

I know I'm in way better shape than I was when I met her actually. Doesn't mean I get lucky more, but at least I look better when I get rejected 8)

Lol, I feel you brother. I'd say we are about the same, although we enjoy different activities most of the time and our goals are different. I'd also say my wife and I struggle more on the eating side than on the exercise side since we both enjoy our workouts a lot.

To look at us - you'd probably guess he is the 'fitter' of the two - but looks can be decieving.

He is 5'11" and about 145 - had an active job (laid off 3 months ago) and now doesn't really do much but sit around the house.

Me - 5'0" and about 137 - have a sedentary job (desk at a law firm) but I go for walks and to work out a few times a week. A couple weeks ago we were gardening - and funny thing was I carried all the bags of soil to the backyard - and the 40# bag of charcoal - and the 50# bag of dog food (which used to kill me, but wasn't all that hard this time). Normally I would have had him carry all that stuff - he went inside for like 5 minutes and when he came out he was surprised that I had the car entirely unloaded.

I also have WAY BETTER cardio endurance. We both take the kids skating on the weekends, he is by far the better skater (think of the tricks they can do in an old diet coke commercial) and is faster (all legs) but I can skate at my top speed way longer than he can.

I am probably the one in better shape - but most people wouldn't realize it by looking.....

You described my marriage to a T! At this point, I just try to do the best for myself and let him do what he wants. It's definitely not very attractive, though, I have to say that. I think someone who is working on his body, even if it's not totally fit, is attractive. He is a good person, and that helps. Good luck to you both!

I'd say I'm probably in better shape as I am better with nutrition (and drink less beer than he does!) but in terms of working out, there's a lot more he can do than I can. He can run a 10k no problem, he can get through Insanity without taking breaks and he has a very physical job, whereas I don't.

We have struggled with the issues you're having as well. It came down to some of the best we've had are working out together. You bond, you work hard, you push each other past your limits, and because working out makes you feel good, you both naturally want to do more - like house work and helping out with the family! It's definitely not something I could force on him. I do my things by cooking the right foods and working out every day and that encourages him to do more.

He has to want it, he has to have the fight. If he doesn't have it, it can't be forced. One thing I often do is compliment him when he does accomplish something, such as getting a workout in, cooking a healthy meal, not splurging on crappy foods throughout the day. Praise him for what he does right, and he'll want to do more of that! We're human so generally we like recognition. If he sees you positively reinforcing him, he'll want more of that and less of the being frustrated with him!

Hope that helps! I know it's a tough situation, and the feeling 'unattracted' to him is so hurtful on both levels, but just try your best and try different methods of making him feel good when he does something good for his body

My partner is obese. He has lost weight since being with me, but not much. My healthy cooking and dragging him out on hikes has done little to change his habits and preferences. He likes naps and video games.

For me, being fit is one part vanity, one part fear of aging, and one part chronic pain (scoliosis) prevention. It's not a hobby that i need to have my significant other on board with. I'd love his company, but since he spends most of any non-sexual physical activity we do together complaining, it's really more enjoyable for me to do it on my own and leave him home with his x-box.

Since I find him attractive at a larger size, I've no sexual reason to force him to change his body composition.

However, since weight-related health problems run in his family, I feel obligated through my love for him to sort of force him to join me sometimes. That sucks. I'd rather not have to be a nag. Diabetes and heart disease are no joke, though...

What a story! I hope things turn around for him. Has he been to the doctor lately to check his blood sugar/pressure, etc? Sometimes a little scare can go a long way (little ones!).

My partner is very fit: 130lbs, 5'6, runs marathons for fun and does the length of a half (or more) every weekend. She's worried about not eating enough calories and nutrients to sustain the long-distance running. This is interesting to me as I'm worried about eating too many calories during a day! My partner is definitely more fit than me. Definitely.

My partner is obese. He has lost weight since being with me, but not much. My healthy cooking and dragging him out on hikes has done little to change his habits and preferences. He likes naps and video games.

For me, being fit is one part vanity, one part fear of aging, and one part chronic pain (scoliosis) prevention. It's not a hobby that i need to have my significant other on board with. I'd love his company, but since he spends most of any non-sexual physical activity we do together complaining, it's really more enjoyable for me to do it on my own and leave him home with his x-box.

Since I find him attractive at a larger size, I've no sexual reason to force him to change his body composition.

However, since weight-related health problems run in his family, I feel obligated through my love for him to sort of force him to join me sometimes. That sucks. I'd rather not have to be a nag. Diabetes and heart disease are no joke, though...

This

I want us to be like old people in commercials, not wheeling an oxygen tank through the mall.

We sweat together and often. When we run we suffer tegether, when we stretch we get limber together, when we play, we play hard together. I can out run, out lift, out stretch, and pin her down.... but she can out love me everytime!

That's all I could ask for. So in love.
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My boyfriend and I are on this weight loss journey together. It's definitely motivational. I wouldn't say one of us is more fit or healthier, since our body types are extremely different. My boyfriend is 6'3 and 230 pounds, I am 5'3 and 146 pounds. I guess I'm considered a "healthier weight," but like I said we're doing it together and motivating each other

From a cardio point of view, I kick my hubby's butt, but he is pretty strong and spends more time lifting that I do (I'm still just getting in to weights), so from that aspect, he pips me there big time. From a healthy eating point of view, I would say my diet is much better than his. His metabolism is VERY high, so he can literally shovel all kinds of crap in his mouth and not put a pound on (grrr!). I just wish he would eat a bit more fresh food than he does (he eats a lot of processed stuff), but he is slap bang in the middle of the healthy BMI scale and has only like 10% body-fat, so doesn't feel the need to change his eating habits at the moment.

^I wish I had 10% body-fat and could eat like that. :sad:

sounds like you got a keeper!

My husband and I are exactly the same - I eat really healthy food and gym 5 times a week these days. I can out-row and out-run him easilyy. But he can lift and his reaction times are Jedi like! He hates that I go to the gym so much though. Seriously, if I wanted to go eat McDonalds 5 times a week, then that would be fine. I'm like "just because you can eat what you want and don't particularly have to exercise, doesn't mean I dont!"

But he has to eat 3500 a day just to maintain and he's a lean bean. I decided to lose that extra weight because he's super good looking and I didn't want other girls looking at us as a couple and thinking "why is that hot guy with that chubby chick?!" Plus if he can bench-press me it makes me feel girly haha.

To OP - just approach the subject gently. No one wants to be told they're fat. An ex once called me fat (I wasn't, not even a little bit) in the heat of an argument. He used an insult he knew would draw the most blood, and jeezus did that draw blood. It triggered a long time of food and self-worth issues that have never completely gone away.

Sometimes when he say's "do you know how much I love you?" I say "apparently not so much that you want to be around for a long time" We both know I love to work out and he doesn't. So every now and then he needs reminding that he NEEDS to be exercising whether he loves it or not. He doesn't have much choice in the eating healthy most of the time since I do all the shopping and cooking but there are times when he goes over board (whenever he gets the chance) but getting him to workout is like pulling teeth. I am working really hard to get in to great shape to look fabulous on my fiftieth (wow is that even real) and he has pretty much thrown in the towel. It is frustrating. But you can't want it for them. and You can't do it for them. I spent years overweight and it wasn't until I WANTED to do more than WISH it was different did things change. Still praying he puts his health first. After one TIA I am still surprised he protests going to the gym so much.

I also told him to remember when he was confronted with tempting doughnuts to ask himself, "do I want to walk my daughter down the aisle at her wedding or do I want to eat this doughnut?" For a guy who has had one TIA and needs to be on medication for cholesterol AND high triglycerides donuts are never worth it. I don't care what the "all things in moderation" people have to say.