Need advice from parents (none weight loss related)

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  • tracya04
    tracya04 Posts: 15
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    If you don't live nearby I wouldn't worry about it too much. I remember talking to someone online (when the internet first came about), who was much older than me. We chatted online a lot, eventually it became boring and that was the end of it. If you confront your daughter, she is more likely to start deleting conversations, which means you then have no idea what it being said. I would just carry on snooping on the sly and if at any point it looks like she intends to meet him or he starts being inappropriate, then I would say a messge appeared on the screen and you saw it and you're worried.

    Her hiding things was my main worry. If banning her was I making the interaction more interesting than it already was.
    I've found another clever way to avoid them chatting, I've got her the game they play on the PC. She can still play with other people but he hasn't got the game for the PC so he can't play it with her!

    I have now told her that there are not to be any messenger calls between them or Skype etc ( which he isn't on anyway at present).. I am hoping that all the restrictions will annoy him enough to disappear on his own. At the very least, because he knows I'm watching and snooping, if his intention is something other than a gaming friendship it isn't going to be worth the effort on his part. There will be far more people he can interact with that aren't being watched.

    As I said, she doesn't spend a lot of time online, she prefers to illegally draw pictures on the pavement! ( the fact that it is now illegal astounds me).

    Thank you to everyone for your help, I will keep this updated if anything else happens!
  • skippygirlsmom
    skippygirlsmom Posts: 4,433 Member
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    Coming to this late, great job Mom! I have a 14 year old daughter and she has no issues with me reading her texts, emails etc. She is not allowed to have a facebook account. I tell her I do trust her until she gives me a reason not to. She knows I'm her mother not her friend, she comes to me with all her problems, as well as her friends problems. Open communication is the key.
  • RabbitLost
    RabbitLost Posts: 333 Member
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    Thank you for all the replies, they were very helpful.

    I decided to sit my daughter down and explain all of my concerns to her, a big one was that he only had 4 photos on his Facebook, which I thought was strange. She was upset but seemed to understand and promptly messaged him, firing everything at him and calling him a liar (I wasn't expecting that).

    However, it did help. He messaged her back with a huge apology saying that yes he had lied about the drugs thing, he said it so that people would be too scared to threaten him etc. He doesn't appear to have money like you would expect, his clothes in his photos aren't brand named, he doesn't have a latest phone and when the screen broke he was asking on Facebook for a second hand one. He was adamant that the photos were of him but he didn't like posting photos because he isn't happy with himself ( he isn't the greatest looking teen and rather scrawny). He then sent her a photo of himself holding a piece of paper with her name on it to prove he was who he said he was.

    He said his family were on his Facebook but his siblings have a different name to him (hence why I couldn't find them). I have looked through more of his school friends and some mention tests and exams looming, which could be right for a year 10, I know ours are.

    He's told her that he doesn't spend a lot of time with his friends because since his Nan died his Grandad hasn't been well so he spends time there looking after him. I checked out where he was sending messages from, Facebook tracks their location and says 'message sent from....'. when he said he was at home Facebook said he was in one area of London, then when he got to his Grandads house later on Facebook stated a different area of London.

    He has told her he understands and not to worry about it if she isn't allowed to talk to him, he was going to get his sister to ring me but my daughter, wisely, wouldn't give him a number.

    I'm happier than I was about the whole thing, at least I know the photos are of him, but still not 100 % and still wary.

    My daughter and I have had a good chat and we have decided that we sit and talk about any other people she may wish to add and we will look through things together before deciding and she seems happy with that. She has told him that I have access to all messages he sends and will read everything and understands that should she go behind my back she will lose all communication devices! She has asked if she can meet up with him if they are still talking in a year or so but could I go with her because she'd be too scared to go on her own, I agreed but secretly hope they get bored before then!

    I just hope I've done the right thing...........................time will tell and he knows Mum is watching his every move!

    Darn good mom, you are. I hope to have the strength of character and conviction if I am faced with this issue with my teenage sons. Thank you for the original and especially the follow up. :flowerforyou:
  • jtrack3d
    jtrack3d Posts: 91
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    We have a house rule and it worked with my three... if I haven't met them in person, you don't chat with them in private.... so if you wanna talk to them on skype or in your games and such, you better invite them over to meet dad. If I catch you talking / friends with people I haven't met you will lose phone, skype and game box for a month.

    It's a great way to get to meet your kids' friends... plus it makes sure the kid doesn't stay locked up in the house so much.

    Luckily I got #1 child to 30. She is now an attorney.

    #2 child I caught sexting. Not only did he get the facts of life in embarrassingly gory details (for him, I don't shy from it), so did she and her parents. Bottom line, I let him know that women are not toys, actions have consequences, and, if he wanted to play he knew where the bathroom was. So far #2 child is doing great.

    Don't ignore this. Speak straight and candid about your fears.
  • scythswife
    scythswife Posts: 1,123 Member
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    As I said, she doesn't spend a lot of time online, she prefers to illegally draw pictures on the pavement! ( the fact that it is now illegal astounds me).

    Total subject change but y in the world did drawing pictures on the pavement become illegal? like public space or ur personal driveway?
  • Kinseykick
    Kinseykick Posts: 59
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    First I want to write that I am a 23 year old female without kids and I'm trying to look at this from your daughter's perspective. Also I didn't read all the replies, just the OP and a couple others.

    The internet is dangerous and males like to take advantage of lonely girls. For them its a no strings attached way to flirt around with girls and hopefully get some pictures out of it. I'm not saying your daughter will do that but from social sites I've used it seems that most guys don't just want to talk. I would be worried that if you daughter does start to really like this guy, that she might want to share more than just text messages with him.

    You are right in being worried and you should let your daughter know that you've noticed. Maybe don't say right away that you've done all of that snooping because if I found out that my mom did that then I would be upset too. If you see her talking on the xbox or chatting on messenger or facebook, ask her about it. My mom always knew when I was texting the boy I liked because I'd be smiling and blushing. A simple "Who are you talking to that's making you all smiley?" in a friendly way might let her open up and tell you about her crush. If she doesn't open up then I would say that you've noticed that she's been talking to him. Either way, that is when you can stress the importance on online safety.

    In a few days or a week after that initial conversation if there hasn't been any changes, then admit to snooping. She had her chance to limit their conversations to just xbox or whatever and if she didn't take that chance to correct it, then that is her fault. Warn her again that its unsafe and what you are worried. If all else fails then you might have to make her unfriend him or block him.

    Boys online are very persuasive, they will tell you that you are beautiful, that you make them happy, and how attracted they are to you. Thats is everything a girl wants to hear. Then after they get their pictures or whatever they can just stop talking to you and leave you feeling heartbroken. Thats not what we want to happen to your daughter.

    Hopefully everything works out!! Good luck <3 All in all I know my parents love me no matter what and even if they upset me, I know its for the best.
    ETA: Saw that you already talked to her. I'm glad it all worked out for you and that she was understanding!
  • dbg1
    dbg1 Posts: 208
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    Building a keeping trust is so important. Treating them like an adult is key. I have 2 daughters 16 & 17. We keep talking about all things going on in their lives. I also keep them busy with activities that they want to do. I go to all their games except when they play the same time slot.

    My mind set is a little different from a lot of parents. I had both my girls try alcohol early on - around 10 yrs old. Not interested - worked well for me. I have told them if they are not ready for university I won't force them like other parents plan to do. I have encouraged them to make their own decisions for many years and there have been mistakes - which they learned from.

    Gaming should be a little occassional distraction from life. Be real about life. Join with your kids in discussion. Ask about thier lives and their friends lives. It keeps the interest real.

    I feel I have been lucky so far that what I have done has worked for us. May not work for all. I worry about the future empty nester because I have been so involved in their lives. Particiipating, suggesting but never directing.
  • tracya04
    tracya04 Posts: 15
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    As I said, she doesn't spend a lot of time online, she prefers to illegally draw pictures on the pavement! ( the fact that it is now illegal astounds me).

    Total subject change but y in the world did drawing pictures on the pavement become illegal? like public space or ur personal driveway?

    It is no longer allowed to draw even a hopscotch on the pavement, something which I spent hours doing as a child ( my parents did make me wash it off when I had finished but the rain would have done it anyway). It is now seen as graffiti! I'm not making it up, a police officer actually stood there and told me that what my child was doing, at 3 years old, was now illegal!

    Same as climbing trees, apparently you aren't allowed to do that either due to damaging the environment. You can't build dens etc in the woods because it is classed as an unsafe structure and you can be sued if someone gets hurt on it. The real world has gone mad :(.

    No wonder kids can't be kids today, being a normal kid is illegal it seems.......aw well, looks like I have two law breaking children haha.
  • sassyjae21
    sassyjae21 Posts: 1,217 Member
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    I'm not a mom, I just wanted to say congratulations. You're an awesome mom :)
  • fat2skinny50
    fat2skinny50 Posts: 104 Member
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    I am so glad that things worked out for you when you talked to your daughter, i was worried about her all night after reading your post. Keep the lines of communication open and a close eye on that boy, if he is a one. Still not convinced he is who he claims he is.
  • bikinisuited
    bikinisuited Posts: 881 Member
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    My 15 yo son is new to cell phone world with SNOOPING privileges by his mom. While I was snooping around I discovered that he texted his gf that mom was not driving him to his Honor Roll Student event. 1st time, he told me and hubby, “I HATE YOU guys!” Son accuses me of invading his privacy…

    Consequence, he had to apologize in front of me by calling gf and telling her the truth. Embarrassed like H… but lesson learn. Supervise and monitor kids depending on circumstance as they do behave immature and sometimes they can irrational. Great students or average students, or few friends, etc.

    Good to learn others opinions. :flowerforyou:
  • bikinisuited
    bikinisuited Posts: 881 Member
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    I did the same thing when my son was that age...

    I tracked his msn chats (he didn't know they were being recorded), I paid his cell phone bill so I got to look at it whenever I wanted or he didn't have a cell phone...

    I read his FB mail etc.

    I am his mother...not his buddeh...end of discussion...

    And all my monitoring actually saved his butt....in middle school...

    Some girls thought they would get together and accuse of him of all manner of awful things...and told him on MSN chat they were gonna do it...just to get in trouble..

    The did exactly what they said...I got the call...I was livid..printed out the MSN chat logs took it to the school for the administration to see and the cops (Yah cops were called) needless to say a few little girls were in trouble....

    Problem was their parents had no idea...no idea you could record msn chats...all of them...etc.

    Keep being the mom...not the friend...they already have enough friends.

    I always wonder about this as a school social worker. For my own son, his bio dad pays bills. Wonder if there is another way I can gain access of a print out?
  • NJ_Slacker
    NJ_Slacker Posts: 2
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    The "boy" telling her he is sad is a manipulation move. Before long he'll be telling her he'll hurt himself if she doesn't keep talking to him. And it will escalate. Nip this in the bud now and educate her about manipulating people that she cannot help or change.
  • Luckee_me
    Luckee_me Posts: 1,426 Member
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    WOW!!!! You are a good mom!

    I have raised 2 girls and one boy. I snooped in everything. I called them out on stuff. OMG i should say we. haha but it was mostly me. My wife was prett passive.

    Anyhow, my oldest daughter made it thought, she works a corporate job, and goes to school, and just got her first home. She was over last weekend, with her new boyfriend, and told him what a great dad i was.

    My son who is now a Marine has told me how good it was to know he actually had parents and not friends.

    My Youngest-- well, she is 16!!! there ya go!

    You are a concerned parent, you had taken time out of your day to research her "goins on's" and now you have vital information.

    If you DO NOT tell her all you know, and how it makes you feel, the concerns you have, and all that- then you will be fake! No getting around it. You already know, it's too late. Imagine if something happens and you just kept this in. Not good......

    No ***** footing around, just talk to her. Be cool, be loving, and tell her your concerns and ask her how she would react if the roles were reveresed.

    I'm betting you will be presently suprised and have a better relationship going forward.

    oh- and for the "you invaded my privacy" - well, yeah honey = I LOVE YOU!!! of course I follow your steps and look out for you = I AM YOUR MOM, and I LOVE YOU.

    good luck to you

    All of this!!!
  • Jazz_2014
    Jazz_2014 Posts: 142 Member
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    Awesome responses, with good parenting skills. I want to add one thing as a grandmother I have/am witnessing presently. My adult children for whatever strange reason think that you can cut off the electronic access to children.
    You cannot. There are so many children with their own phones and other devices that internet access is way beyond the control of parents (if the child decides to get access).
    So PLEASE communicate with your children. Teach them the red flags of social networking. Because as a parent you truly cannot cut them off.

    My granddaughter has all electronic devices removed and has for some time. She is instructed not to use others devices. Early on I put myself on her and her friends pages and such. They have so many friends listed, they don't even remember I am on their page any longer. Trust me, she finds ways to post and message to others all the time. Fake names, posting from others sites, etc.
    The key is communication with our children. Unfortunately, my adult children haven't grasped the concept that you cannot control something that you have no control on.

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