How do you deal with unsupportive significant other?

So many guesses I could make here. I could guess that she's probably very self-absorbed. Or I could guess that your head-first dive into fitness makes her feel ashamed for not doing the same when she knows she could, and rather than put in any effort to improve herself, she alleviates her guilt by making you feel bad for wanting more for yourself than she wants for herself. You know your wife, so you probably already know why she's doing it.

I don't know what I'd do in this situation. Every marriage is different. My spouse would probably react very differently than yours.

How do you remain motivated when your significant other is constantly pulling you backward?

Here's some background info about myself. Last August, I decided I was sickof being overweight, wanted to be better at soccer and wanted a body that reflects my mind. That's when I started to use MFP to track calories and started running consistently (4-5 times per week), while lifting three times per week. Through that phase, my significant other was more neutral than negative, other than the occasional comments about me being obsessed (usually because I refused to drink wine or have a dessert).

So, I ended up losing 25 lbs in 5 month, which placed me in the "healthy" BMI. I decided it was time for some muscle mass-gain phase. So, from January to March, I ate a surplus and lifted 5 times per week with some cardio on the elliptical. I ended up gaining 15 lbs (I know, not all muscle). Again, my significant other was neutral, other than those comments.

So, since April, I've been cutting. I lost almost 10 lbs, I'm about to see my 6-pack and I love what I'm doing with my body. I'm super motivated, just like I've been since I started my journey. But the negative comments from my SO became much more frequent. I now have "the" discussion every second day, about how I don't have to do as much, about how I will not reach my goals (yep, in those words), about how I'm perfect the way I am. It sometimes gets pretty heated.

I tried just ignoring it, but I mean, she's constantly right there in front of my face. For more context, my SO has a healthy weight, but she does no sports/exercise at all. Before I started my journey, she sometimes passed comments about me being overweight and me not eating properly.

Anybody ever experienced something similar? How did you deal with it?

She sounds like my mother. Nothing is good enough. By the way, everyone is calling her your wife. Are you married to her? Is it a new relationship? All these things come into play.

You've come to the right place!

Break up.

I was starting down the same thought path as other posters until the part about lifting 5 times a week turned me in different direction.

Not that it is too much, but that what started out as a mission to improve your health has morphed into a hobby. Maybe she thought that the time and effort required to lose weight had to be at least tolerated, but now that that has been accomplished, she thinks this is frivolous time consuming playtime for you?

I know another couple (not me) that are going through a similar thing. He started bicycling on the weekends for fitness and weight control and it was tolerable but she was unhappy that they could no longer spend the weekends together. He began to love the cycling so much that now he also does it two or three evenings a week. It has become a real issue for them.

Personally I think that even if it is a hobby, you should feel free to do it, and she should have hers as well, but compromise is a valuable skill in a relationship.

Ben I'm really sorry to hear about this. It's so hard to accomplish something like this on your own and when you have someone who is actually holding you back it makes it all that much worse.

My previous relationship was very toxic in this regard. I would actively try to work out and he would make me feel guilty and buy all this junk food knowing it would tempt me. Now, I would only consider being with someone who respects that my health is and always will be my absolute first priority. I don't care what your situation is... even if you're a parent etc. health comes first. How can you expect to be there to support others if you don't have the health or energy to do so?

Anyways, I imagine that as you get fitter your girlfriend is feeling affected in different ways. Firstly, the nature of your relationship has likely changed in that there are likely less nights spent eating out/vegging and so she feels almost.. thrown into a healthy lifestyle without even really choosing it. I'm sure she feels guilty for eating cookies when you're having salad for example.
Secondly, the hotter you get the more insecure she will feel about herself.

I think a lot of SO's are guilty of the "I love you the way you are!" thing but that's not necessarily bad. I know I overlook flaws when I love someone.. but they don't realize that it's not about how THEY feel about you it's about how YOU feel about you.

If I was you, and this relationship was one I wanted to keep, I would bring up these concerns in a genuine, non threatening way at a time when you guys are NOT fighting. Let her know that fitness is important, your health is important and you want her to accept this and be part of it rather than be negative. Ask her to support you! Suggest that you guys do this together, invite her to work out with you.. include her.

In the end though, someone who doesn't support you and the things you want out of life will not work. I don't think this is a complete done deal yet though if you can talk it out and be rational and supportive of each other's concerns.

I'm always here to chat if you're down.... I hope you guys can work things out. She should be your main source of strength, not a weakness!!

So many guesses I could make here. I could guess that she's probably very self-absorbed. Or I could guess that your head-first dive into fitness makes her feel ashamed for not doing the same when she knows she could, and rather than put in any effort to improve herself, she alleviates her guilt by making you feel bad for wanting more for yourself than she wants for herself. You know your wife, so you probably already know why she's doing it.

I don't know what I'd do in this situation. Every marriage is different. My spouse would probably react very differently than yours.

Agreed. Mine started buying me "costumes" for fun time. Soooo much pressure.

We are all different, so what I say I would do may not be helpful to your situation.

I would just be clear: the topic is over. Don't mention it again. And then when he inevitably does (because that's what she's doing, repeating herself over and over), I would not think it rude or unkind to walk away because I did make it very clear that I would not engage in this conversation again. In my marriage, if I *tell* my husband something, I consider that sharing information the first time, any time I repeat myself after that, it's just nagging. Nobody wants to be a nag.

Just want to add: if she wants to share her insecurities, or that she missed you or something along those lines, that is different. You just don't accept criticism and orders.

I have been married for 20 years and I would like for you to talk to your spouse about this issue. I did not catch how long you guys have been married but you got married to each other for some very specific reasons. If you are no longer getting what you need from the relationship it is time to redefine the relationship or move on.

Judging from your post, I think that your wife wanted you to lose some weight and I think that she is happy that you did. However, in my opinion, one of the differences between people who maintain their weight and people who need to lose some weight is an understanding that slow and steady wins the race. I think that people who go obsessive with their diet and exercise do not maintain their success for a lifetime - mainly because it is not realistic.

So I suspect that her comments about having a glass of wine or a dessert may be less about sabotage and more about keeping it real for the long run. But I don't really know because I am just some crazy lady on the Internet!

Reminds me of the zen koan:

If a man does something in a forest, and no woman is there to observe him, is he still wrong?

Yes, yes they are. :grumble:

In my experience, there are two types of exercisers- the :explode: and the :drinker: . For example, when my husband, the :explode: in this example, decides to lose weight or bulk up, or whatever his current body goals are, he goes about it and gets it done. He does push-ups during breaks at work and gets up at 4am to go run and get in a session of p90x before he leaves for work. He eats ONLY what will suit his goals and doesn't really worry about whether or not anybody else likes it.

When my sister decides to lose weight, (she's the :drinker: in this scenario) she makes gradual changes to her diet. She decides to forgo her afternoon 'quiet time' after she gets off of work (but before she gets her child from school) in favor of a quick mile or two jog around the school track. She chooses vinaigrette dressing over ceasar and goes with fruit instead of chocolate after dinner. She'll go to the gym a couple times a week in addition to her jogging and be satisfied she's doing, knowing that she'll reach her goals and still be able to 'splurge' on s'mores every now and then.

Not, of course, saying that the roles couldn't be reversed, but women, especially those that are able to maintain a healthy, attractive weight that they are satisfied with don't tend to understand the :drinker: dieter, much less the :explode:.

Unfortunately, I've got nothing that's likely to help you explain that type of focus to her. Hell, after 12 years with my DH, I still don't understand it, but I've learned it's just part of the way he handles his health and goals and since I him, I just :huh: and move on. The best guess I've got is to not get defensive when she makes a comment, and copy her on your goals so she knows WHY you're doing what you're doing and that your "insanity" won't last too long. ;-)

Just back away real slow...

Love this