Old pics depressing, but motivating

Hi! I am almost 30 and have the same sort of feeling. My real body issues started when I was a little girl and got horribly difficult through high school. I look back on the pictures from then (I am most certainly much bigger now) and realize that I could have enjoyed my size at that point because I wasn't THAT BIG. There were even points in time when I was well within the 'average' range for my age and I didn't even know it. That's depressing to me because I think, if I had been able to appreciate it back then I may not have gotten to where I am today. I have 100+ pounds to lose and it is slow going.
The problem with this is that I don't think we will ever be realistic about how we look. Psychologically, once we believe that we are fat, we will always believe it. It feels like a form of Body Dysmorphic, no matter how much weight is lost, we still look in the mirror and see fat.
When I was in my early 20s I was actually really committed to being healthy and losing weight. I went to the gym constantly, ate healthy, biked four miles a day, etc. Things I can't imagine doing right now in my life and am surprised I was even able to do then. I was probably 75lbs lighter, but still 'overweight'. I felt fantastic, which is what really mattered to me. I could tell that I had lost a ton of weight but I still saw myself as a Fat Woman. Looking back on those pictures is what has me motivated and depressed all at once. I looked great, felt great, and wasn't able to keep it up. I want to get back there, but I'm depressed about the fact that I didn't appreciate how good it felt and wasn't able to stick with it. Fat has been my identity for so long, though, that it was hard to let go of and I fell right back into it over the years. It's almost a self-fulfilling prophecy, and I think the way that we view ourselves is the biggest struggle with losing weight and keeping it off.

Yep. I am 5'9.5 and I was 130lbs in high school. I always thought I was fat because of the numbers as all my friends who were shorter weighed less. Then, after my first baby I never got back below 140-148 . (not realizing having gained boobs and hips contributed to that) So now, in my mind I was Ginormous! This started the fad diets and all other unhealthy relations with food. I never became anorexic or anything, just went on these lose 10lbs in 3 days diets always to put it back on plus more every time. Fast forward to now, Started here around the end of February at 283 Lbs GOOD LORD what would I have thought of THAT weight back in the day? Now my goal is 160 (maybe lose more later we'll see) And I can't even imagine going back to 130.