How do you deal with unsupportive significant other?
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So many guesses I could make here. I could guess that she's probably very self-absorbed. Or I could guess that your head-first dive into fitness makes her feel ashamed for not doing the same when she knows she could, and rather than put in any effort to improve herself, she alleviates her guilt by making you feel bad for wanting more for yourself than she wants for herself. You know your wife, so you probably already know why she's doing it.
I don't know what I'd do in this situation. Every marriage is different. My spouse would probably react very differently than yours.
Agreed. Mine started buying me "costumes" for fun time. Soooo much pressure.0 -
My BF tends to be critique for a lot of things in life, and he started to critique the way I am counting calories because he feels that I am obsessed and that I deprive myself. I think that it was more of a perception thing (anyone looking at my diary can see that I eat plenty of chips and ice cream, and that I drink my fair part of wine and Old fashioned). Anyway, his main argument was that even with a lot of accuracy on my side, there will always be a part of "estimate" in calorie couting, so why bother being so meticulous about it?
On the other side, he is really encouraging about me being more active, taking walk with be, going to the pool with me (instead of listening the hockey game!), cheering me when I grunt while lifting weight (etc.). It seems a little bit contradictory for me, so I asked him why he was so critique and negative about calorie counting the "in" but so encouraging about couting the "out".
His answer was that he was worried that I may become stressed with calorie counting, and that he had noticed that food is giving me some anxiety (like: not being able to find nutritional value before going to a restaurant and being insecure about my food choice because of it). He was, in a complety bad way, trying to protect me from deception and sufferance, but he was also misinterpreting some cues I was giving to him (that restaurant incident was me being mad of wasting a lot of calories on restaurant food that won't be memorable when I could cook something fantastic at home and drink some wine with it). Bref.
My advice would be: try to understrand the motive of her remarks, and try to see if there is something hidden under all this criticism. If you still find that she is unsupportive and that her remarks are unjustified, then you will have to confront her with the fact that she will not be able to make you change your mind about it, so she will have to deal with it.0 -
We are all different, so what I say I would do may not be helpful to your situation.
I would just be clear: the topic is over. Don't mention it again. And then when he inevitably does (because that's what she's doing, repeating herself over and over), I would not think it rude or unkind to walk away because I did make it very clear that I would not engage in this conversation again. In my marriage, if I *tell* my husband something, I consider that sharing information the first time, any time I repeat myself after that, it's just nagging. Nobody wants to be a nag.
Just want to add: if she wants to share her insecurities, or that she missed you or something along those lines, that is different. You just don't accept criticism and orders.0 -
what everyone else is saying. let her know she has little right to comment on it and continue forward. if she keeps pushing then its time to find a new SO.0
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I have been married for 20 years and I would like for you to talk to your spouse about this issue. I did not catch how long you guys have been married but you got married to each other for some very specific reasons. If you are no longer getting what you need from the relationship it is time to redefine the relationship or move on.
Judging from your post, I think that your wife wanted you to lose some weight and I think that she is happy that you did. However, in my opinion, one of the differences between people who maintain their weight and people who need to lose some weight is an understanding that slow and steady wins the race. I think that people who go obsessive with their diet and exercise do not maintain their success for a lifetime - mainly because it is not realistic.
So I suspect that her comments about having a glass of wine or a dessert may be less about sabotage and more about keeping it real for the long run. But I don't really know because I am just some crazy lady on the Internet!0 -
I've learned to smile, and say (to myself) that's just the way she is, and it is part of what makes her who she is, and why I love her. The control of the decision is still mine, and her dissatisfaction is hers. Sometimes going or not has no effect on her attitude, so the choice is mine to make.
Smile, make your decision, and you can choose to love this part of her as much as the moles, freckles or wrinkles that she may have.0 -
Reminds me of the zen koan:
If a man does something in a forest, and no woman is there to observe him, is he still wrong?
Yes, yes they are. :grumble:
In my experience, there are two types of exercisers- the :explode: and the :drinker: . For example, when my husband, the :explode: in this example, decides to lose weight or bulk up, or whatever his current body goals are, he goes about it and gets it done. He does push-ups during breaks at work and gets up at 4am to go run and get in a session of p90x before he leaves for work. He eats ONLY what will suit his goals and doesn't really worry about whether or not anybody else likes it.
When my sister decides to lose weight, (she's the :drinker: in this scenario) she makes gradual changes to her diet. She decides to forgo her afternoon 'quiet time' after she gets off of work (but before she gets her child from school) in favor of a quick mile or two jog around the school track. She chooses vinaigrette dressing over ceasar and goes with fruit instead of chocolate after dinner. She'll go to the gym a couple times a week in addition to her jogging and be satisfied she's doing, knowing that she'll reach her goals and still be able to 'splurge' on s'mores every now and then.
Not, of course, saying that the roles couldn't be reversed, but women, especially those that are able to maintain a healthy, attractive weight that they are satisfied with don't tend to understand the :drinker: dieter, much less the :explode:.
Unfortunately, I've got nothing that's likely to help you explain that type of focus to her. Hell, after 12 years with my DH, I still don't understand it, but I've learned it's just part of the way he handles his health and goals and since I
him, I just :huh: and move on. The best guess I've got is to not get defensive when she makes a comment, and copy her on your goals so she knows WHY you're doing what you're doing and that your "insanity" won't last too long. ;-) 0 -
Spit in his food .................... only kidding of course lol0
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Love thisJust back away real slow...
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She might not feel included or jealousy because she doesn't want to put in the effort that you're doing but wants the attention that you're giving to your health. Try to include her or do something fun that's physical see if she enjoys the same spent together, even at a healthy weight it doesn't hurt to do fun active stuff together. Good Luck0
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Negativity is toxic. You need to detox.
^ YUP0 -
I don't know how these conversations go, but as you mentioned, they sometimes get "heated". Have you tried having a honest and non-defensive conversation with your SO? Like actually saying "I wish you could be supportive of my goals and I feel like you're not at times." And outline exactly how you feel when she says things in a non-threatening, non-defensive stance? (I know, this is difficult.) But maybe going in with a "I want to understand why my working out/cutting/bulking/whatever phase upsets her" will probably be more productive than just trying to ignore it (because she'll just keep saying the same thing until she feels you understand) and better than arguing, especially if you guys have kids around.0
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My now ex husband was the same way. I took Ephedra for years and went from size 18 to size 4, and nearly killed myself doing it.. and he loved me at that weight. When I gained it all back due to being on Lyrica for back pain, I started hearing how unattractive I was and how I had no sex appeal.
I realized that I didn't want to be with someone who was that shallow and that he didn't love me for who I was. And that if he couldn't support me in this, he couldn't support me in any other areas that mattered.
I'm not saying you should break up, but the problem here isn't with you. Your SO needs to deal with her issues.0 -
Reading this makes me grateful I do have a supportive OH.0
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OP, why don't you just try giving her a little more attention? Obviously you have made a lot of changes that are positive for your body and mind. But maybe it seems to her that you care more about that then her. All these workouts are you focusing on you. Once a week, do something special for her. See how that works. Experiment. If it doesn't, then maybe it is time for a "talk."
I'm glad my wife is excited about my dieting and fitness efforts; but everyone isn't as lucky as I am (haha).0 -
Your partner probably just feels left out of everything since this isn't a goal for her. While her attitude isn't justified by any means, maybe it would help to see it from her point of view. I imagine it's something like this. Imagine you want to go get a drink one night and one friend decides to go with you. Then, once you're at the bar, your friend decides they don't want to drink, for whatever reason. Now of course that's totally acceptable, but I bet you might feel a little awkward drinking by yourself. Hopefully, being a reasonable person, you wouldn't take out this awkwardness on your friend. It sounds like that's what she's doing.
My friends tend to get annoyed at me when I go out with them and obsess with making healthy choices. It's really easy for what we're doing to come off as an obsession to others. 90% of the time I'm told I care too much about getting in shape.
My advice would be to try and indulge just a little bit. Take a step back and see if maybe you are putting too much of an effort into this. At the same time, see if maybe by doing so you're not putting as much effort into your relationship. There should be a balance, especially if your relationship is important to you. I'm not in anyway saying it's more important than your health, but nothing should keep you so sidetracked from the things you love.
Encourage that she spend time doing "indulgent" activities with her friends. See if this helps things. Try and let yourself lose a little bit from time to time and consider if you might be a little too obsessed. I'm sure she's not so unsupportive as she feels either left out or ignored.0 -
When I turned fitness crazy, I was living with a smoker. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this person. If I really loved him, I probably could have.
Bottom line, do you guys really love each other? Is she someone you are willing to support through her ups and downs & life changes? If so, does she know how important she is to you?
Maybe she's just scared you're going to get bored or leave her & she's insecure. How unsupportive is she really being? Have to talked to her about how you used she was more supportive?
Does any of this even matter to you?
Maybe it's just a fling and I'm getting too deep.
Bottom line is, if you are going to spend the rest of your life with this person, there will be challenges greater than you picking up a new hobby. If you don't want to/can't work through that together, then yeah, it's likely not worth it,
I've been in your shoes, and yes, in the end, I ended it. I didn't love him. I didn't want it to work. I was young. Oh well!0 -
Much of what I was going to say has pretty much been mentioned here. My guess would be that she misses spending more time with you. Since more of your time and focus is devoted to becoming/being fit, she probably doesn't get as much one-on-one time as might have happened in the past.
Like others have suggested either invite her to join you at the gym (if that doesn't work) maybe make an effort to do something nice for her or devote some time just for her.
I wish you the best of luck! You are definitely not in an easy situation. :flowerforyou:0 -
Her friends are now checking you out and that just won't do! :laugh:0
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Her friends are now checking you out and that just won't do! :laugh:
Yes this!:)0 -
Clearly the problem is not simply that you're working out (unless your workouts are so long and so involved it's interfering with family/couple time). This is the symptom of an underlying issue -- what that issue might be, no one here knows. She might not even know. But both of you need to do some open and honest communicating about this.0
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If you're trying to lose weight and be healthier than your significant other should understand and be supportive. Now if you're going from couch potato to gym rat and never seeing her then that might be a problem.
Tell you what, how about go out for a nice dinner and discuss the issue in detail. Odds are I guarantee you haven't taken the time to properly address this and to help your partner know how important this is to you. Guarantee your problem isn't just about your weight loss but maybe communication in general.0 -
Sounds like she has a competitive streak and
you've now shown you out proform. She's
maybe insecure as well. Gratz on your loss
and your success since. Get support from your
mfp pals. Good luck with this situation though.0 -
Divorce is the only answer....
Or you could decide that this is important enough to you that you'll continue to progress while seeking some counseling for you and your spouse to repair the broken channels of communication.0 -
Problem with posting advice for relationship issues on an internet forum is that it's biased and one sided.
Communicate with your partner as opposed to complete strangers on the internet & if you aren't able to do that, seek couples counseling.
It's not just about how you feel with the situation but what they are feeling too.0 -
Off topic, but I love your shepherd! I've had 2 in the past and I really miss them!Reminds me of the zen koan:
If a man does something in a forest, and no woman is there to observe him, is he still wrong?
One more
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him..... how does he know he is wrong?
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Between work and the gym are you still pitching in at home? How much of your together time has been lost? It may be that she is actually resents carrying the home load by herself or is missing you. Make sure you are pitching in around home and still having time together.0
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Divorce is the only answer....
Whoa a bit extreme0 -
Divorce is the only answer....
Whoa a bit extreme
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Divorce is the only answer....
Whoa a bit extreme
In for extreme measures to solve extreme problems... DIVORCE!!!!0
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