Anorexia recovery

When I was 15, I started to feel self conscious about my body. I compared it to other girls I went to school with and felt insecure. I weighed 140lbs at the time and decided that I was going to lose weight in an effort to get healthier and feel more confident. At first, it started innocently. I cut out pop and replaced it with water, changed my snacks from chocolate to fruit, educating myself on calories/calorie counting, and getting a gym membership. After doing that, I had managed to lose a couple pounds and felt great. I was proud of the changes I was making and I felt more confident.

That was short-lived, though. I became obsessed with counting calories, looking at thinspo, fasting, and over-exercising. During that time, a close family member passed away and things kept getting worse. I lost 50lbs within a short period of time, leaving me weighing only 90lbs at 5'5". I was then diagnosed with anorexia. My family quickly intervened and with their support, I had started gaining weight. I maintained a healthy weight and felt free of disordered thoughts and behaviors for a brief period of time.

Last Summer, I relapsed and ended up at my lowest weight of 80lbs. I was always cold, in pain, tired, and depressed. My anorexia had it's strongest grip on me for the 7 months I was maintaining that weight. After coming home from a friend's house one day, I collapsed and had to be taken to the emergency room. I was told that with the condition my health was in, it was possible for me to be dead within the next few weeks. So, I had to stay at the hospital for a couple weeks to gain some weight and be monitored during refeeding because I was at high risk for refeeding syndrome. I was terrified and against the idea of recovery at the time. But soon, I came to tolerate it. Then I came to accept it and finally, to welcome it with open arms. I was done with letting anorexia rule my life for any longer.

Now, I'm back at home and taking recovery day by day. I have a long way to go but I'm determined to get through this. It's been a rough and long journey but it's been the best thing I have ever decided to do for myself. Since gaining 16lbs, I am no longer cold and shivering all the time, my bones don't ache nearly as much, I have energy to go out, I'm gaining confidence, I don't view food as my enemy anymore, I'm getting my feminine figure back, my mind feels clear, and most of all.. I'm happy again.