Not giving a wedding gift??

Options
2

Replies

  • 3dogsrunning
    3dogsrunning Posts: 27,167 Member
    Options
    Would people really end a friendship over a $10 gift? Or not recieving one?

    I remember the physical gifts that I received because I am sentimental like that. As for who did or didn't give me a gift, no clue, nor do I remember how much certain people gave me.
  • Guns_N_Buns
    Guns_N_Buns Posts: 1,899 Member
    Options
    Maybe they're asking for cash so they can pay back numerous debts...your bf included.

    So, yes, I would give them something, even if it's just a $30 gift.
  • amcook4
    amcook4 Posts: 561 Member
    Options
    Maybe it is because I'm in a bad mood right now, but I would get them a personalized gift (so it can't be returned), like etched pyrex or a crotchet toaster cozy.

    Okay, maybe that isn't a good idea. The debt is a separate issue from the wedding gift, I would give what you normally do, but next time you go out with them (and aren't talking about weddings) give an awkward reminder that he owes your bf money.
  • 3dogsrunning
    3dogsrunning Posts: 27,167 Member
    Options
    I like the forgiving the debt thing, but I don't understand wedding etiquette at all. I didn't have the kind of wedding where people gave gifts (and specifically asked people to skip it).

    That bit about not going if you can't bring a gift? That's total BS in my opinion, no matter what the "rules" say. If you're invited it's because your presence is wanted.

    The "rules" say a gift is not required.
  • DBoone85
    DBoone85 Posts: 916 Member
    Options
    Enroll them in the Jelly of the Month Club. That's the gift that keeps on giving throughout the entire year.

    That it is Edward...that it is!
  • conqueringsquidlette
    conqueringsquidlette Posts: 383 Member
    Options
    I like the forgiving the debt thing, but I don't understand wedding etiquette at all. I didn't have the kind of wedding where people gave gifts (and specifically asked people to skip it).

    That bit about not going if you can't bring a gift? That's total BS in my opinion, no matter what the "rules" say. If you're invited it's because your presence is wanted.

    The "rules" say a gift is not required.

    Even better.
  • catrunsintowindow
    catrunsintowindow Posts: 77 Member
    Options
    Gifts are not required, regardless of how much the couple spent on the wedding. Period. That said, I would not attend a wedding and not give a gift. If you wish to give a gift, give what you can afford, whether that is $10 or $500. If you cannot afford one, I don't think that means you shouldn't go. I know personally I would rather have my friends at my wedding with no gift then not have them there at all.

    THIS, so much. Gifts are nice, but they are never EVER expected. I would be heartbroken if my friends didn't come to my wedding because they couldn't afford a gift. I think a card wishing them well sounds lovely.
  • Mischievous_Rascal
    Mischievous_Rascal Posts: 1,791 Member
    Options
    ETA -
    Also - you have up to a year to give a gift if I recall my wedding etiquette correctly. I could be wrong.

    True, but within two months is ideal. If they make a stink, then maybe "gift" them the erasure of the debt later down the road, otherwise I wouldn't deal with that at the wedding.
  • fullersun35
    fullersun35 Posts: 162 Member
    Options
    If they told you they only want cash, then I would respect that. Don't go to HomeGoods and buy something small. I requested no gifts at my wedding and would have been upset if people showed up with crockpots and other junk that I didn't want or need.
    If you can't afford a cash gift, write a note in the card - something like "Apologies that I can't help you with your down payment, but I would love to offer up free labor when you move." If they are truely your friends, they will understand and will want you at their wedding anyway.

    You don't need to cover your food, cake, beverage expenses. My friends typically have $50K+ weddings. That is their choice not mine.
  • Some_Watery_Tart
    Some_Watery_Tart Posts: 2,250 Member
    Options
    Ok, I'm just completely floored by all of this. So many people saying that you HAVE to do something. No. You don't. If a card is what you're comfortable with financially, give them a card with your best wishes. A handwritten letter is almost free and always appreciateed.. If they judge you for that, then be extra glad you didn't spend money on them.

    "Give us money instead of gifts"? If money is what you want, make it a public event and sell tickets. Asking for money is so incredibly tacky. :grumble:
  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
    Options
    Yikes how tacky. Ew. FYI You do not have to give them something from their registry, or even cash if they choose not to register. You cannot, however, give them NOTHING for their wedding. Either don't go, or give them a gift.

    People tend to remember what was given to them for their wedding, and also what was NOT given. If you want to maintain this friendship for a long time then I would suggest this:

    First ask them about the debt - something like "hey remember you owe we $250 - how about we make that your wedding gift!"

    Then, at the wedding give them something small and thoughtful. These are your friends who are starting a life together, and that is SO special. Think of something that you really love - a crock pot, personalized towels, wine decanter something that is not very expensive but is cute and nice. You can do a lot of this for $30 ish - head to HomeGoods and shop your little heart out.

    This way you set expectations low - "we are forgiving a debt" and then delivering high "we gave you a small gift instead of just forgiving debt!"

    Again - these are your friends. This is not a time to settle an old score. Yes they are being tacky, but don't let that make you tacky in return. :) You very rarely will regret being generous and kind.

    This is really great advice. A very classy approach.
  • JonnyMacAwesome
    JonnyMacAwesome Posts: 770 Member
    Options
    To be honest I am attending one of my best friend's wedding in November. I am flying across the country to be there, and will be a groomsman in the bridal party.

    My gift is my presence in this instance. I'm already shelling out a small fortune to fly there and spend time with them, away from my wife and daughter during that time.

    I may get them something small, but most likely just a card and my physical presence.

    They are both good people and fully understand what a task it is for me to attend already, and the only reason I can is because they have given me enough notice to budget the time off work and the money to afford the trip...plus I will be staying in a hotel, have a rental car, and be paying for my food, etc while I am there.

    If they got upset that I didn't bring them something, it would be aggravating to say the least...but I'm not even slightly worried about that - I get to see my friend and his family for the first time in more than 2 years...it will be a great time.
  • taramaclaren
    taramaclaren Posts: 95 Member
    Options
    How close of a friend are these people?? In general - just a card is a bad idea. If you cannot afford a gift then you cannot afford to attend the wedding. It really depends on the friends, though, and what the wedding is going to be like.

    I know when I first started going to friend's weddings it was a real challenge to understand all the rules/etiquette. I have learned that standard gift for a reasonable wedding is $100/couple minimum, and for a nicer wedding $200/couple. You want to pay for your plate and then give them a little something extra.

    I'm sorry- I am not trying to be mean at all, and I understand cash is tight right now... but they are spending a LOT of money to throw a wedding and you should give them a gift that not only celebrates their special day, but also helps them start their life together as a married couple.

    If you cannot afford a gift, then perhaps your boyfriend can?

    Agreed, the debt is not something that you need to worry about or mention - ESPECIALLY on the wedding day. I was thinking of before, but the time may have passed as I'm sure they are stressing the closer the wedding gets. I just thought that you had mentioned it as an idea for a gift because your funds are tight, not as a reason to not give something.

    Here's a thread that could have some good ideas and advice:
    https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=1006040406506

    In regards to the bolded part, I hate this type of thinking. I understand it's nice for people to give cash at a wedding but at what point did it become an expectation? The wedding is only as expensive as the couple allow it to be and it's completely tacky to assume and/or expect attendees to pay $100 per plate so it covers the costs.

    It's nice if people do give money but weddings shouldn't be about making money. I agree with the other person to give them a tacky toaster to match the tackiness of requesting cash.

    I know that it is a tough pill to swallow, but unfortunately that is just the way most people approach weddings - if you attend you should give a gift, not necessarily cash, but a gift. :-/

    And to clarify one point - the $$ amount listed wasn't a cash suggestion, just a suggested gift amount. You can go out and spend that money on a toaster oven if you so desire.

    I am just trying to give some insight into what my experience has been, I know how challenging I found the etiquette when friends first started getting married.... I've been to weddings ranging from Jewish to southern belle, from high school gymnasiums to the Boston Four Seasons. I learned that many Jewish couples do not have a place for gifts at the reception - the expectation a cash gift. With southern weddings I have found brides prefer an actual gift, as cash is considered less personal and tacky.

    Regardless, I have yet to be at a wedding that I felt it was appropriate for me to not bring ANYTHING. Even when super cash strapped, I would coupon clip and find a way to get a small gift and then deck it out with cute accents from a clearance section. :) Also - totally true that you have a year to give a gift. Just please don't use that as an excuse to "forget." :-/
  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
    Options
    To be honest I am attending one of my best friend's wedding in November. I am flying across the country to be there, and will be a groomsman in the bridal party.

    My gift is my presence in this instance. I'm already shelling out a small fortune to fly there and spend time with them, away from my wife and daughter during that time.

    I may get them something small, but most likely just a card and my physical presence.

    They are both good people and fully understand what a task it is for me to attend already, and the only reason I can is because they have given me enough notice to budget the time off work and the money to afford the trip...plus I will be staying in a hotel, have a rental car, and be paying for my food, etc while I am there.

    If they got upset that I didn't bring them something, it would be aggravating to say the least...but I'm not even slightly worried about that - I get to see my friend and his family for the first time in more than 2 years...it will be a great time.

    I wouldn't feel too bad about this. Friends usually understand if you have to shell out for the trip. I've been to destination weddings where I did not bring a gift. The cost of the ticket, hotel and the few days staying there to celebrate were enough. But, then again, destination weddings are often designed to save money for the bride and groom so that's another reason for them to not be too bothered.
  • SnuggleSmacks
    SnuggleSmacks Posts: 3,731 Member
    Options
    Many times, places like Ross Dress for Less and TJ Maxx have kitchen and home sections which have fantastic deals, often on nice crystal, glassware, serving dishes, vases, etc. You don't have to spend a fortune on a nice gift, but it's in poor taste to show up to a wedding empty handed.
  • taramaclaren
    taramaclaren Posts: 95 Member
    Options
    To be honest I am attending one of my best friend's wedding in November. I am flying across the country to be there, and will be a groomsman in the bridal party.

    My gift is my presence in this instance. I'm already shelling out a small fortune to fly there and spend time with them, away from my wife and daughter during that time.

    I may get them something small, but most likely just a card and my physical presence.

    They are both good people and fully understand what a task it is for me to attend already, and the only reason I can is because they have given me enough notice to budget the time off work and the money to afford the trip...plus I will be staying in a hotel, have a rental car, and be paying for my food, etc while I am there.

    If they got upset that I didn't bring them something, it would be aggravating to say the least...but I'm not even slightly worried about that - I get to see my friend and his family for the first time in more than 2 years...it will be a great time.

    Yes when you are in the wedding it is definitely different!

    I asked my bridesmaids not to get me anything. It is up to each person, but being in a wedding is SO expensive! I bought their dresses as my gift to them, and gave them some little jewelry that they may never wear again, but the flights, hotel, bachelorette party, showers... I know it adds up!
  • JonnyMacAwesome
    JonnyMacAwesome Posts: 770 Member
    Options
    I wouldn't feel too bad about this. Friends usually understand if you have to shell out for the trip. I've been to destination weddings where I did not bring a gift. The cost of the ticket, hotel and the few days staying there to celebrate were enough. But, then again, destination weddings are often designed to save money for the bride and groom so that's another reason for them to not be too bothered.

    lol it's not a destination wedding, it's where they live... My wife and I moved away for work 3 years ago and we only went back that first Christmas and the next year for her sister's wedding.
  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
    Options
    I wouldn't feel too bad about this. Friends usually understand if you have to shell out for the trip. I've been to destination weddings where I did not bring a gift. The cost of the ticket, hotel and the few days staying there to celebrate were enough. But, then again, destination weddings are often designed to save money for the bride and groom so that's another reason for them to not be too bothered.

    lol it's not a destination wedding, it's where they live... My wife and I moved away for work 3 years ago and we only went back that first Christmas and the next year for her sister's wedding.

    I know, I was just using it as a point of personal reference. My point was, if you have to do significant travel then, more often than not, the bride/groom will understand about financial constraints.
  • 3dogsrunning
    3dogsrunning Posts: 27,167 Member
    Options
    How close of a friend are these people?? In general - just a card is a bad idea. If you cannot afford a gift then you cannot afford to attend the wedding. It really depends on the friends, though, and what the wedding is going to be like.

    I know when I first started going to friend's weddings it was a real challenge to understand all the rules/etiquette. I have learned that standard gift for a reasonable wedding is $100/couple minimum, and for a nicer wedding $200/couple. You want to pay for your plate and then give them a little something extra.

    I'm sorry- I am not trying to be mean at all, and I understand cash is tight right now... but they are spending a LOT of money to throw a wedding and you should give them a gift that not only celebrates their special day, but also helps them start their life together as a married couple.

    If you cannot afford a gift, then perhaps your boyfriend can?

    Agreed, the debt is not something that you need to worry about or mention - ESPECIALLY on the wedding day. I was thinking of before, but the time may have passed as I'm sure they are stressing the closer the wedding gets. I just thought that you had mentioned it as an idea for a gift because your funds are tight, not as a reason to not give something.

    Here's a thread that could have some good ideas and advice:
    https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=1006040406506

    In regards to the bolded part, I hate this type of thinking. I understand it's nice for people to give cash at a wedding but at what point did it become an expectation? The wedding is only as expensive as the couple allow it to be and it's completely tacky to assume and/or expect attendees to pay $100 per plate so it covers the costs.

    It's nice if people do give money but weddings shouldn't be about making money. I agree with the other person to give them a tacky toaster to match the tackiness of requesting cash.

    I know that it is a tough pill to swallow, but unfortunately that is just the way most people approach weddings - if you attend you should give a gift, not necessarily cash, but a gift. :-/

    And to clarify one point - the $$ amount listed wasn't a cash suggestion, just a suggested gift amount. You can go out and spend that money on a toaster oven if you so desire.

    I am just trying to give some insight into what my experience has been, I know how challenging I found the etiquette when friends first started getting married.... I've been to weddings ranging from Jewish to southern belle, from high school gymnasiums to the Boston Four Seasons. I learned that many Jewish couples do not have a place for gifts at the reception - the expectation a cash gift. With southern weddings I have found brides prefer an actual gift, as cash is considered less personal and tacky.

    Regardless, I have yet to be at a wedding that I felt it was appropriate for me to not bring ANYTHING. Even when super cash strapped, I would coupon clip and find a way to get a small gift and then deck it out with cute accents from a clearance section. :) Also - totally true that you have a year to give a gift. Just please don't use that as an excuse to "forget." :-/

    i agree that it is but I don't think that it is right or ok. It is actually really sad that people throw weddings they can't afford and expect their guests to pick up the costs. IMO, being upset that someone didn't give you enough to cover the cost of their meal or even inviting people on the expectation of receiving something is far worse than showing up at a wedding with no gift.
  • techgal128
    techgal128 Posts: 719 Member
    Options
    Give them a tacky toaster...

    They were just rude, they didn't kill a man.

Categories