Family (especially parents) judging is very hurtful.

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kickstartpro
kickstartpro Posts: 20 Member
in Motivation and Support
How do you deal with family judging you? I need to lose about 80 lbs. I have been called fat by my parents since I was about 6 years old. My mom tries to feed me whenever I see her but comments on my weight. My dad outright tells me to go work out and that no guy will want me. I am 24 but this still affects me a lot. My siblings have always judged me too. This is a huge mental block for me because I feel like EVERYONE is judging me. I am so used to it from my family that I feel all people do it. My cousins and aunts and uncles do it too. I don't know how to deal with this because it is so emotionally and mentally straining. It makes tracking my calories and working out harder because i feel like a failure when I don't see results as quickly as I want. I also get huge anxiety when going to family functions.
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Replies

  • Badger618
    Badger618 Posts: 65 Member
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    Take it one day at a time. Do it for you and not for them , you will see the results you want to see if you stick with it. Feel free to add me as a friend and i would be happy to offer support anytime. If it were easy none of us would be here, you are not alone.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    stop spending so much time with your family?! just concentrate on doing you.
  • kickstartpro
    kickstartpro Posts: 20 Member
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    thanks for the support :) i added you.
  • kickstartpro
    kickstartpro Posts: 20 Member
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    Thats true tavistock toad. Old habits die hard. I was caring for my sick grandma for years before she died last year and helping raise my younger brothers so i feel a lot of obligation to them.
  • Badger618
    Badger618 Posts: 65 Member
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    Thanks for the add, there are lots of good people on here working towards the same goal. Remember one day at a time.
  • SutapaMukherji
    SutapaMukherji Posts: 244 Member
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    One day at a time........we can do it.

    Most importantly, do it for yourself - You are beautiful and you need to be the BEST YOU that can be for yourself

    ETA: Apparently I don't know how to put letters in bold :ohwell:
  • JaneyB311
    JaneyB311 Posts: 80 Member
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    I spent years and years starting and failing at 'diets' becuase I was only doing it for the wrong reasons....because other people wanted me too. I was am emotional bing eater and trapped in a vicious circle and eating to make myself feel better and then hating myself for the binging and weight gain that came with it. I also felt massively judged by everyone including my family and my husband (although I have to say that my family were never quite as obvious as yours seem to be)....I think a lot of it was my own perception due to low self esteem.

    Eventually I went for therapy. I turned out that i identified that eating was my coping mechanism for stress and I needed to find a new one. With a lot of work I changed things round so that I now use exercise as my coping strategy for stress. If I feel bad I workout or go run and it makes me feel so happy! It's me time, i get everything straight in my head.

    The moral of the story is, you've got to do it for yourself. Find out why you eat bad. Tell your family to back off, tell them that they're just making it worse, that they're destroying your self-esteem and it needs to stop. Tell then you need support not judgement. Tell your Dad to go workout with you!

    Just take things slowly; don't be put off by slow progress. Progress is progress at any speed. You didn't gain the weight overnight and you won't lose it overnight, but if you get your head straight then the journey can be fun.

    I've now lost 48lb in 7 months.....it hasn't been fast but it has been consistent. I'm not half way to my goal and so excited for the next 48lb to be gone! If I can do this then YOU can do this! Just have a little faith in yourself and your confidence will grow as you shrink.

    I am happy to be MFP friends with you if you need support, just send me a request if you'd like that :).
  • JaneyB311
    JaneyB311 Posts: 80 Member
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    Oh, I forgot to add......I got the rid of the husband too, as well as the 48 pounds!! :)
  • steve0820
    steve0820 Posts: 510 Member
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    You can do it OP!! Like everyone mentioned, 1 day at a time.

    I have found through the years, with my own experience and the experience of others, that a lot of the time, especially family, are not very supportive when it comes to healthy living. You would think it would be the opposite, but sadly, it isn't. They are either, very mean, don't care, judgmental, and even when you achieve results, they are jealous, still bring you down, call you obsessed, etc...

    At the end of the day, it needs to be something for YOU, and only YOU!
  • katew221
    katew221 Posts: 82 Member
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    My mum used to do that to me too, tell me I was fat in one breath and then plonk a big plate of food down in front of me the next and get offended if I didn't eat it. How can you when you're feeling sick because of how gross her comment has just made you feel?! These are abusive habits that lead to bad mental cycles and internal monologues within ourselves. Get some help for yourself, so that you can stand up to her and do what you want to do for yourself, because you DESERVE your health and happiness :smile:

    Oh, and when they try and take credit for your weight loss after you have done it, you have the satisfaction of knowing (and saying!) actually, I did this BY MYSELF, you didn't cut those calories, you didn't spend that time in the gym or on the road, I did, so shove off! :laugh:

    Sometimes we have to look after ourselves first, because other people tend to put themselves first sadly.

    Good luck and feel free to add if you want support! :flowerforyou:
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
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    I completely avoid abusive and toxic people, and I severely limit my exposure to negative people. I'm a happier person for it. Good luck OP! Do this for YOU and ignore or avoid negative influences. :flowerforyou:
  • RodaRose
    RodaRose Posts: 9,562 Member
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    Start breaking away by spending more time alone or with other people. Think of ways to start new activities. Those family people are not going to change.
  • lamps1303
    lamps1303 Posts: 432 Member
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    Judgement from others is always such an issue for many. I have really supportive friends and family, but even then I am being judged, with my mum sometimes saying "you're too thin", "you don't need to exercise or lose any more weight", "are you sure you're eating enough?". Your relatives obviously care about you and your health but they obviously don't realise their tactics are having a detrimental affect.

    Are you close to your family, particularly your parents? Perhaps have a quiet word with them (or write a letter) to tell them what their words are doing to you mentally and physically. They may not realise how you're feeling. Explain that you're trying to change your lifestyle and lose weight, but it will take time and patience. Explain that they won't see results over night but you are working to meet your goals.

    At the end of the day it's all about you - its YOUR life. Start having confidence in yourself - tell yourself that you're motivated and you're going to do what it takes to achieve your goals. Ignore the negativity in your life and focus on you for a change - you've had to spend a lot of time caring for others so now it's time to care for yourself.

    As someone has already mentioned, there are lots of supportive people on MFP who want to help each other. Feel free to add me :smile:

    Good luck :flowerforyou:
  • daynerz
    daynerz Posts: 227 Member
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    Love yourself and do you
    They are all full of insecurities, remember confident people don't put people down or feel the need to point something out

    You have a goal, go for it
    Of course you can reach it, of course you will do it

    I wish all the best for you
  • Left4Good
    Left4Good Posts: 304
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    I know how you can feel, it happens to me quite alot. But this is not for your parents this is for you. Try your best to tell them how you feel and talk to them, and if they don't listen talk to your friends. True friends will support you. If you need anything don't hesitate to message me, i am here for you and anyone else that needs help =) good luck :flowerforyou:
  • SingRunTing
    SingRunTing Posts: 2,604 Member
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    Here's the tough love approach.

    Get your steel spine out and tell them not to make negative comments about your weight/body. It's disrespectful and you won't put up with it. Tell them that negative comments will end your visit. And then follow through. One negative comment = you pack up your stuff and walk out the door (and apologies or I was just joking, doesn't change the fact that you are leaving). After a few times of doing that, they will know that you are serious and will stop.

    You teach people how to treat you. Stop being a doormat.
  • adopp062715
    adopp062715 Posts: 93 Member
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    stop spending so much time with your family?! just concentrate on doing you.

    This. Your family may love you and think what they are saying and doing is helpful but it's not. Stop seeing them so much for awhile and just focus on you. Instead of every week go once a month. If they ask what's up tell them that you are trying to focus on yourself and don't appreciate all the comments about your weight all the time. They will get the hint and hopefully it will stop.
  • turpenoid
    turpenoid Posts: 73
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    First off all, that's just bulls**t to say that nobody will want you at your weight. There are so many people out in the world. You will find the right one!!! As other people have said, you need to lose weight for you. :heart: If you're in a place right now where you just need to be more self-accepting, think about what you like about yourself that does not have to do with your weight or appearance. I've found that identifying my qualities about who I am as a person makes me more confident. Positive language about your creativity, your problem solving, your strength, your compassion... It helps to see a level or yourself beyond just your body.

    When you get to a point where you have the motivation, willpower, and energy to move forward with a healthy lifestyle change, try to celebrate smaller milestones. I suggest taking some body measurements like waist and hips to track as well. You could tell yourself that with every 4 pounds you lose, you'll buy yourself a new .mp3 or rent a new movie you'd like to see. 20 pounds, buy a few new clothing items you like. Whatever makes you excited for the process! But don't give up. It can be challenging as hell at times, but think of where you want to be in a month, in a year, or even in a decade! What will make you happy? Do that thing :drinker:

    I'm here if you ever need motivation or just someone to talk to.
  • nsobolik
    nsobolik Posts: 5 Member
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    I feel your pain. I have struggled with my weight all my life. Growing up there was never any discussion about healthy diet and exercise. When I was 24, and a month before my wedding, my father had his first heart attack. I say first because I can't even remember how many he has had since then. He has diabetes, cholesterol issues, and on and on. Finally a few years later before my 10 yr high school reunion I went on Weight Watchers, did great and lost the weight. For the 1st time in my life I ate healthy and worked out. I was shocked to find that I could have the body of one of the "skinny girls" I weighed about 5 lbs less than I had most of my life, but all the sudden my family was freaking out that I was too skinny. Granted because I was fit I wore a smaller size then I ever had. So of course I fell off the wagon and gradually gained all that weight back and then some. Hopefully this time I can keep my head straight and realize that I will lose this weight for me and ignore what they think since it seems I will always be too fat or too skinny for them. I just need to learn to be happy with me!!!
  • amandzor
    amandzor Posts: 386 Member
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    I've received these sorts of comments, no matter how small they seem, they hurt.

    As I've continued my journey, I realized that their voiced 'concern' was not always offered in malice, but by people 'trying to help'.

    They don't know how to approach someone who has committed to losing weight and changing their lifestyle, often because the person making the comments doesn't understand the journey.

    I'm not defending the hurtful comments, but I try to remember that end of the day, they're just people. With their own faults, insecurities and petty jealousy.

    The best thing you can do is continue on, remembering that this is for YOU. Not them.

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