Weight Loss and Spouse/SO issues
Wookinpanub
Posts: 635 Member
My wife is the one who wanted to join a gym and get in shape. We were both 50-70 lbs overweight. I was reluctant to try because of so many failed attempts but then a switch went off. I am on track to meet my goal (lose 60 lbs) by Labor Day. My wife has exercised very sporadically and continues with bad diet habits. She eats out just about every day and yesterday I get home and she has gone to the grocery. On the counter I find 2 boxes of my favorite donuts. She has made cup cakes. In the pantry are my favorite sugar cereals. Not sure if she is trying to sabotage my weight loss plan. She also continues to drink almost daily. Sometimes a couple and sometimes much more.
I have read stories where one spouse loses significant weight and the other does not and it causes issues. Has this happened to anyone here? Please share your experience or recommendations.
I have read stories where one spouse loses significant weight and the other does not and it causes issues. Has this happened to anyone here? Please share your experience or recommendations.
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Replies
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I haven't had this issue, but I know it can happen. My SO has been really supportive through the whole thing - however, my true weight loss actually started when we were not together. We were together for just over 3 years and arguing all the time so it just wasn't working and we split. I had the time to focus on me and what makes me happy and because of this change, we were able to start talking again and working things out. Well there's more to it than just weight loss, honestly, but I focused on me and I became a better person because of this. And then we were able to work things out and decide to get back together and we have been happy ever since (going on 5+ years now).
He happens not be in a position where weight loss is a goal of his, either.
Hopefully you can get some answers based on experience - this sounds crappy to be going through!0 -
I found another woman to talk to about the problems I'm having with my wife.
Hope this helps.0 -
That's a pretty clear case of sabotage. Ask her why she is doing it to you. Is she jealous? Bottom line, you can't change her, so you'll have to find ways to resist and be strong. Good luck! :flowerforyou:0
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Sit down and talk to her.0
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Have you talked to her about why she's buying/making these things and not coming to the gym with you? Any change in a relationship is hard and she may be feeling "left back" or like a failure. Watch all of those Netflix shows on sugar, diabetes and healthy eating, together and see if you can get back on the same page. Reassure her that you love her no matter what but also be encouraging. Don't be afraid to put those donuts down the garbage disposal, if necessary.
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Maybe she feels insecure because she doesnt have the same willpower as you. It is probably more about her and her insecurities. Some spouses feel that you will find another person when you lose weight. She might feel like you are judging her. Try to talk to her when emotions arent running high .0
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She might have simply lost the will, and is discouraged because you are doing so well and she is not. Why don't you just sit down and talk to her about it?0
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Let her do all those things - when I lived with my Dad and was losing weight he used to buy all my favorite junk food and put it on display all over the place.
Your wife does NOT know she is doing this. And it doesn't matter.
What matters is that you are on track - so stay on it.
How I dealt with it was by not eating all the junk my dad bought and it would just pile up and pile up and I wouldn't touch it. And my dad would buy more and more... I didn't look at it or eat it - I was sick of being out of shape and I was strong enough to ignore all the junk.
Don't talk to her - it will make her defensive and offend her. Just ignore all the junk and stay on track and keep your commitment strong and clear. Be the example and live the life you want to live.
She won't catch up and she won't imitate you - but you shouldn't care. Let her get to the point where you are when she is ready. Just like you did, in the meantime, let her buy all the junk she wants. It is all unconscious and innocent - believe me.
Stay focused!0 -
I found another woman to talk to about the problems I'm having with my wife.
Hope this helps.
Um speaking from a wifes perspective if you did this Id kick your *kitten* to the curb....I'm just sayin. How about if your having issues with your spouse you do something really crazy and .....wait for it.....TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE! Emotional affairs (talking to other women when having troubles) are just as detrimental to a marriage as her buying you all those sweets......Good luck hun!0 -
I found another woman to talk to about the problems I'm having with my wife.
Hope this helps.
Da *kitten*?
No No No. In My Opinion, You talk to you wife about those problems. They are between you and her. Nothing gets solved by talking about your marriage problems to someone else, UNLESS its a trained/licensed counselor.
I haven't gone through this issue with my SO, but then again, he doesn't have a weight loss goal, but a weight gain goal.0 -
My husband is thin... he always has been... so in the past he has done things to sabotage my weight loss. He's a great cook and he'll always say "it's ok you can have a bigger portion of this" or "you can have a 2nd glass of wine" and he told me once he thought I would think he wasn't good enough for me when I lost all the extra weight (i've always been a little heavy the whole time we've been together) That was a few years ago and this time around he really supports me. We just had to sit down and talk about it and I told him that I'm not going anywhere... I'm not trying to lose weight so guys will pay more attention to me or anything like that... just for me so I will feel better about myself and be healthier. Now, he's totally in my corner. He weighs out my food when he cooks and is with me 100%. I think you just need to sit down and have a conversation and tell her how you feel and make a plan together. Maybe she's scared of such a big change in her life and she just needs to be able to take one baby step at a time. Good luck!0
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Let her do all those things - when I lived with my Dad and was losing weight he used to buy all my favorite junk food and put it on display all over the place.
Your wife does NOT know she is doing this. And it doesn't matter.
What matters is that you are on track - so stay on it.
How I dealt with it was by not eating all the junk my dad bought and it would just pile up and pile up and I wouldn't touch it. And my dad would buy more and more... I didn't look at it or eat it - I was sick of being out of shape and I was strong enough to ignore all the junk.
Don't talk to her - it will make her defensive and offend her. Just ignore all the junk and stay on track and keep your commitment strong and clear. Be the example and live the life you want to live.
She won't catch up and she won't imitate you - but you shouldn't care. Let her get to the point where you are when she is ready. Just like you did, in the meantime, let her buy all the junk she wants. It is all unconscious and innocent - believe me.
Stay focused!
^This!!!! Great job!0 -
I found another woman to talk to about the problems I'm having with my wife.
Hope this helps.
Um speaking from a wifes perspective if you did this Id kick your *kitten* to the curb....I'm just sayin. How about if your having issues with your spouse you do something really crazy and .....wait for it.....TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE! Emotional affairs (talking to other women when having troubles) are just as detrimental to a marriage as her buying you all those sweets......Good luck hun!
+1 0 -
Let her do all those things - when I lived with my Dad and was losing weight he used to buy all my favorite junk food and put it on display all over the place.
Your wife does NOT know she is doing this. And it doesn't matter.
What matters is that you are on track - so stay on it.
How I dealt with it was by not eating all the junk my dad bought and it would just pile up and pile up and I wouldn't touch it. And my dad would buy more and more... I didn't look at it or eat it - I was sick of being out of shape and I was strong enough to ignore all the junk.
Don't talk to her - it will make her defensive and offend her. Just ignore all the junk and stay on track and keep your commitment strong and clear. Be the example and live the life you want to live.
She won't catch up and she won't imitate you - but you shouldn't care. Let her get to the point where you are when she is ready. Just like you did, in the meantime, let her buy all the junk she wants. It is all unconscious and innocent - believe me.
Stay focused!
Wow. I'm going to take a wild guess that you are NOT married based on that advice.0 -
Let her do all those things - when I lived with my Dad and was losing weight he used to buy all my favorite junk food and put it on display all over the place.
Your wife does NOT know she is doing this. And it doesn't matter.
What matters is that you are on track - so stay on it.
How I dealt with it was by not eating all the junk my dad bought and it would just pile up and pile up and I wouldn't touch it. And my dad would buy more and more... I didn't look at it or eat it - I was sick of being out of shape and I was strong enough to ignore all the junk.
Don't talk to her - it will make her defensive and offend her. Just ignore all the junk and stay on track and keep your commitment strong and clear. Be the example and live the life you want to live.
She won't catch up and she won't imitate you - but you shouldn't care. Let her get to the point where you are when she is ready. Just like you did, in the meantime, let her buy all the junk she wants. It is all unconscious and innocent - believe me.
Stay focused!
Wow. I'm going to take a wild guess that you are NOT married based on that advice.
lol agree0 -
I second the idea of finding another woman to discuss this with. Preferably a younger, skinnier one. She might be able to provide the insight that these forums won't be able to.0
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Let her do all those things - when I lived with my Dad and was losing weight he used to buy all my favorite junk food and put it on display all over the place.
Your wife does NOT know she is doing this. And it doesn't matter.
What matters is that you are on track - so stay on it.
How I dealt with it was by not eating all the junk my dad bought and it would just pile up and pile up and I wouldn't touch it. And my dad would buy more and more... I didn't look at it or eat it - I was sick of being out of shape and I was strong enough to ignore all the junk.
Don't talk to her - it will make her defensive and offend her. Just ignore all the junk and stay on track and keep your commitment strong and clear. Be the example and live the life you want to live.
She won't catch up and she won't imitate you - but you shouldn't care. Let her get to the point where you are when she is ready. Just like you did, in the meantime, let her buy all the junk she wants. It is all unconscious and innocent - believe me.
Stay focused!
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Have you actively tried to involve her in your weight loss efforts? If not, that might be a good place to start. Find joint exercise activities that you can both spend time doing together, like weekend hikes to a picnic, maybe taking a fitness class together or just going to the gym together. Make it a routine. Start cooking healthy meals together! I know cooking is much more fun when my fiancé is involved, we make it a nightly thing. Maybe draft up a budget to save money on daily things so start saving for a beach vacation, so there's a goal to work towards. Healthy foods cooked at homeless expensive then going out to eat on an almost-daily basis. But also include some healthy treats, maybe go walk for frozen yogurt or split some ice cream?
It does sound like she's actively trying to sabotage you, and there maybe a variety of reasons behind it. She may be jealous of your successes and feel helpless to make the changes herself. She may fear that as you lose weight, you'll lose interest in her. It could be both or neither of these issues, maybe sit down and have a nice conversation with her and work it out.0 -
Sounds to me like she didn't feel the need to lose weight to begin with, she just thought you needed to so she offered to go on this journey with you. Now that you're doing it, she feels that she doesn't need to support you or doesn't realize she's hurting you more than helping. Could be that she realizes she doesn't want you to lose the weight because she's not ready to so she wants you to be in the same boat as her. Have you sat her down to talk about how she really feels about her weight without sounding like you're demanding that she keep her word? I'm not sayin gyou're demanding, I just know that when I sat my hubby down to talk about his weight it came out like I was giving him an ultimatum which I wasn't.0
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I found another woman to talk to about the problems I'm having with my wife.
Hope this helps.
Sh** disturber. LOL. This will not end well for you...:bigsmile:0 -
Mama always said the way to a man's heart is through his belly.
If it worked once, why wouldn't it work again?
Besides, if ya'll strictly CICO, what you eat doesn't make a huge difference.0 -
They're probably right.
She's probably still buying the same as usual and it's stacking because you're not eating it.
Stash it for a rainy day.
Ask her to buy you something really pricey, that will make her in her mind go "If he thinks he needs a $10 raw vegan paleo cookie, than that can be his only darn treat this week!"
Problem solved~!0 -
This may not be the popular response...
like some of the others, talk to your wife, try to involve her, however, if you've talked and talked and talked til you're blue in the face and nothing at ALL helps... consider your options. that's all i'll say...
you need to be healthy for YOU. Lose weight for YOU.0 -
I found another woman to talk to about the problems I'm having with my wife.
Hope this helps.
If only MFP had sarcasm font.
I hope.0 -
I found another woman to talk to about the problems I'm having with my wife.
Hope this helps.
Oooh oooh oooh!!! Bad advice right here. :laugh: I won't get into what would happen if this was happening in my marriage. Talk to her calmly and honestly.0 -
Fitness/Weight Loss is a personal and individual thing. We are all SINGLE when it comes to SELF-care.
Fitness becomes a "hobby" or a new thing the INDIVIDUAL likes to do. While your spouse might like to eat cookies, garden and watch soap operas, you may like to garden, play video games and workout.
Diet is also an INDIVIDUAL thing.
The problem with most couples is BOUNDARIES and SPACE - many don't know where one begins and the other ends and they are in a co-dependent situation.
Your spouse need not be like you or how you want them to be and the relationship need not be into fitness - again, it's an individual thing.0 -
Have you talked to her about why she's buying/making these things and not coming to the gym with you? Any change in a relationship is hard and she may be feeling "left back" or like a failure. Watch all of those Netflix shows on sugar, diabetes and healthy eating, together and see if you can get back on the same page. Reassure her that you love her no matter what but also be encouraging. Don't be afraid to put those donuts down the garbage disposal, if necessary.
I agree with this. She may be feeling "left back." My fiance and I have the same health goals but there are days that he is very motivated and wants to do something active and I'm like "meh" and kinda feel bad about myself for the moment and vice versa. I choose not to sabotage but every person handles things differently. I'm sure you may already do this but try giving her words of encouragement. Make positive comments about her when she's making good choices. It may not be today or this week, but have faith that she will get in the right mind set and help both you achieve your goals. Until then, I think it would be good to talk to her about how you feel the temptations (food) around the house may hinder your progress.0 -
Stop giving her the sex...she'll leave you eventually0
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I second the idea that she might not know she's doing it. You're focused on weight loss and food a lot, and she's not. She can't know what you're thinking, what's in your head. She may just be trying to be nice. Trying to reward you, trying to do something nice for you. I think it's a little mean to jump to the 'She's out to get you, man!' conclusions.
And you can't force or badger her into weight loss. Invite her along for walks, to the gym, whatever. But let her make the choice to go and don't pressure her. That switch went off for you - it will for her too, in her own time.0 -
Losing weight is so very hard and for us women who hit a certain age, it gets even harder and more challenging. We get cranky and closed off. I would say try to re-engage her. Be encouraging and supportive. Yes, you need to dig deep to avoid temptations that are put in your path, but for heaven's sake, don't listen to the guy who told you not to talk to her about it. You're a team with your spouse. Good luck!0
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