Weight Loss and Spouse/SO issues

she is, no doubt, feeling insecure... probably a little jealous, a little worried that suddenly you will decide that you will lose interest in her and want to move on.

If you are like me... the day things sort of "clicked" for you was an instrumental change in your life and truthfully, all the junk she brings into the house shouldn't even phase you. Ignore it and continue on your journey. Like someone said, if you have to throw it out, then throw it out, unless it is something she eats as well.

However, DO NOT IGNORE HER. Do not try and force her to lose weight or chastise her for not working out with you... instead, when you go to the gym, invite her to come with and if she declines, then so be it. Continue to include her... do not patronize her, do not make negative comments... continue doing what you need to do for yourself.

Change is very difficult for some people and it does take time for them to adjust... sometimes they never make that adjustment and it may be time to move on... but that is a totally different scenario. For now, you need to take care of yourself. She will have to learn to deal with her insecurities and do something about it.

As for the guy who mentioned he found another woman to talk to about his wife -- don't be so hasty to condemn him... women are complex creatures (I can say that because I am one :happy: )...it may be that the guy just wanted a bit of an insight from another female to try and understand what his wife is going through --- honestly though, I think the comment was made in jest...

My husband and I were both thin when he and I met. He had just lost 50 lbs, I was in the best shape of my life, about to start playing college softball. Life happened. He gained 60, I gained 100. We decided to lose weight together. We were both really gung ho about it... for about a week. Then we yo-yoed together and eventually we gave up. He and I split up, and I decided to work on me for a bit. Best decision of my life. We are back together, but during our separation I was able to build the foundation towards a healthy me. I learned to respect myself and not take crap from anyone. I used to get upset when he would eat junk around me or ask to go out to eat. I learned that if I really wanted to succeed, I wouldn't use his choices as an excuse. I can make my own food, eat healthy if we go out, and I have the willpower to say no the crap he brings home. Is it hard sometimes? Yeah. But it is worth it. Sometimes being selfish is the best thing for everyone.

Sit down and have a serious discussion with your wife. Let her know how important this is for you, and ask her to think about you and only bring home healthy things. But let her decide how she wants to live.

This is the conversation I might have in your place:

Hey, I wanted to talk to you about some of the food you are bringing home. First, thank you for doing the shopping, I really appreciate that. I think you know I have been working hard to lose weight and when you bring home X,Y,Z, it makes it more challenging for me. What would really help me is if you avoid a few of these things that are really hard for me to say no to. Is that something you think you could do for me? I know you love me and this would really help support me right now.

Also, I know we kind of started this whole get in shape together and I was excited, you being involved made it even better, something we could work on together. It seems like you are having a hard time getting motivated right now and believe me, you know I've been there, may be there again at some point and I really get it. I love you for you at any size and I don't want you to feel pressure to do something that your heart isn't in right now. But I do want you to know that when you are ready, I'm here for you and if there is anything I can do to support you or make it easier for you whether it's go for a walk together after work or pack a good lunch for you, I am happy to do it.

^^This^^ Excellent.

Fitness/Weight Loss is a personal and individual thing. We are all SINGLE when it comes to SELF-care.

Fitness becomes a "hobby" or a new thing the INDIVIDUAL likes to do. While your spouse might like to eat cookies, garden and watch soap operas, you may like to garden, play video games and workout.

Diet is also an INDIVIDUAL thing.

The problem with most couples is BOUNDARIES and SPACE - many don't know where one begins and the other ends and they are in a co-dependent situation.

Your spouse need not be like you or how you want them to be and the relationship need not be into fitness - again, it's an individual thing.

I completely agree that weight loss is an individual thing, being in a relationship is not. And relationships include discussion of how one feels about something the other is doing that bothers them. I agree with you that he should ignore the food but I also think he should discuss it with her in a rational way so that she won't get defensive. There is a true possibility that she is so used to shopping this way that she doesn't realize that she is doing it.

OP- I am going through something similar, both me and my husband decided to start this journey together. He watched me lose almost 100 lbs a few years ago and I "thought" he finally decided to join me now that I need to get this baby weight off. Well we joined a gym, he bought weights for home, and we both purchased new workout attire. I work my butt off and he does nothing. He will still stop at fast food restaurants and bring home donuts (he loves all baked goods) and I usually won't touch them. I know that he isn't trying to sabotage me but he sees me doing it and right now he just has no motivation. I just lead by example and ask him if he wants to join me on gym days or if he wants to do a p90x workout with me. I see him coming around slightly but my journey is my own and I need to do this for me so I resist the temptation (usually, I believe moderation is key).

I agree with you! Dont' do that! Talk to your wife if you are concerned, not to anybody else!

Younger MFP here, 20 years old family of 4. My mom likes to fill her pantry with sweets, cook everything with butter and lots more butter, and fry everything. I started my vegetarianism at the age of 16, and from then on I was pretty much alone on making meals. When I got into fitness, same thing. They still buy the same junk and don't change their habits, although I have influenced them to eat slightly better. It's all about your determination and will power. You should discuss with her the possibility of her maybe buying less of what you love. I also like to have a separate shelf in my pantry for only my good snacks, that way I'm not tempted to reach anywhere else. Best of luck resolving your issues.

Maybe she feels insecure because she doesnt have the same willpower as you. It is probably more about her and her insecurities. Some spouses feel that you will find another person when you lose weight. She might feel like you are judging her. Try to talk to her when emotions arent running high .

I agree with the above, she might be scared that you will leave her if you lose all of the weight. She might be sabotaging you out of fear!

Well my hubby doesn't need to lose weight like I do, he's pretty athletic actually, so he will occasionally indulge in things I'm trying to avoid, but he tends to pick things that aren't as tempting to me. He partly does this so he has dibs on the whole thing lol but partly to help me out because he knows I'm trying to cut weight but don't have the best discipline sometimes.

If your wife is buying things to really sabotage you though you have a problem and you're really going to have to discuss that with her.

I had lost almost fifty lbs when my husband finally let his true colors show. He was insecure and thought I was cheating, losing weight for someone else. He also didn't believe I was going to the track alone-which I do because I don't go to chat, I go to walk-fast. So, I stopped going to the track-gained back half of the weight I'd lost, and one day my doctor got onto me-told me I was heading for diabetes, heart disease; etc. She put me on medicine and set a goal of a 20% loss. I went home and explained to my family-my children are my greatest support-that I had to make permanent changes for my health. This was last November. Guess who"s husband gave her four boxes of candy/chocolates for Christmas?!

Fitness/Weight Loss is a personal and individual thing. We are all SINGLE when it comes to SELF-care.

Fitness becomes a "hobby" or a new thing the INDIVIDUAL likes to do. While your spouse might like to eat cookies, garden and watch soap operas, you may like to garden, play video games and workout.

Diet is also an INDIVIDUAL thing.

The problem with most couples is BOUNDARIES and SPACE - many don't know where one begins and the other ends and they are in a co-dependent situation.

Your spouse need not be like you or how you want them to be and the relationship need not be into fitness - again, it's an individual thing.

I highly disagree.Things that affect the SELF affect the RELATIONSHIP and the OTHER. You see it as it being an issue of boundaries, but I know for a fact that my fiancé doesn't want to do the grocery shopping. Therefore, if he's trying to eat healthier and has made it clear that he is, me buying sugary *kitten* is a clear case of sabotage and it needs to be addressed.

On top of that, letting it pile up is just a huge waste of money. He needs to sit down and talk to her, about how he appreciates that she's thinking of him but that he's no longer eating those kinds of foods. That if she wants to treat him, she can make a fruit salad or a delicious veggy dish!

By no means can he make her exercise with him or diet with him, but if she's specifically buying these items for him, there's probably an underlying issue here that needs to be addressed.

Sorry, but in a serious, long term relationship, you can't just sweep things under the rug.

I'm kind of in a similar position with my SO. He needs to lose weight much more so than I do - he needs to lose about 50lb to get back down to "slightly soft" - the way he was when we met. I put on about 15lbs since we started dating as well. I've lost the 15 and then some and I'm well on my way to achieving my goal while he still sits at home eating nachos and watching movies. It's honestly gotten to the point where it's interfering with our physical relationship. After about four months, he seems to be making a little bit more effort to adopt a healthy lifestyle.

Things that definitely DON'T help:
- Nagging
- Talking excessively about your success
- Criticism (lighthearted or serious)
- Obsessing over calories/macros in front of him

Things that have worked:
- Asking him to join me on walks and cooking healthy meals for him when he comes over
- Giving him positive feedback when he mentions that he ate something healthy or exercised
- Providing him with information/resources/opinions on fitness and diet choices ONLY when asked
- Asking him for help when I feel challenged

These lists aren't exhaustive, but they're a starting point!

P.S. When I have extra junk food that I know I shouldn't have in the house, I bring it to work and shout "COME AND GET IT" -- and it's gone in minutes. Works like a charm.

I also want to add that since I have started cooking healthy for my family my husband has lost 13 pounds. Now he is logging his calories everyday because he's seeing a difference. Maybe you could cook for her?

I'm kind of in a similar position with my SO. He needs to lose weight much more so than I do - he needs to lose about 50lb to get back down to "slightly soft" - the way he was when we met. I put on about 15lbs since we started dating as well. I've lost the 15 and then some and I'm well on my way to achieving my goal while he still sits at home eating nachos and watching movies. It's honestly gotten to the point where it's interfering with our physical relationship. After about four months, he seems to be making a little bit more effort to adopt a healthy lifestyle.

Things that definitely DON'T help:
- Nagging
- Talking excessively about your success
- Criticism (lighthearted or serious)
- Obsessing over calories/macros in front of him

Things that have worked:
- Asking him to join me on walks and cooking healthy meals for him when he comes over
- Giving him positive feedback when he mentions that he ate something healthy or exercised
- Providing him with information/resources/opinions on fitness and diet choices ONLY when asked
- Asking him for help when I feel challenged

These lists aren't exhaustive, but they're a starting point!

P.S. When I have extra junk food that I know I shouldn't have in the house, I bring it to work and shout "COME AND GET IT" -- and it's gone in minutes. Works like a charm.

This, yep, this right here.

Your wife should be your best support system, in a perfect world, but the world isn't perfect... so...

Be her's!

Encourage anything healthy she does, invite her on walks or to the gym, go at her pace when she is with you, and encourage her to ramp it up a little each time. You're married, be a team.

And jwooley13's junk food suggestion, priceless and efficient. I would just ask, "Were these for me?" First, lol. Don't want your spouse to be like... where's mah cookies?!

I had lost almost fifty lbs when my husband finally let his true colors show. He was insecure and thought I was cheating, losing weight for someone else. He also didn't believe I was going to the track alone-which I do because I don't go to chat, I go to walk-fast. So, I stopped going to the track-gained back half of the weight I'd lost, and one day my doctor got onto me-told me I was heading for diabetes, heart disease; etc. She put me on medicine and set a goal of a 20% loss. I went home and explained to my family-my children are my greatest support-that I had to make permanent changes for my health. This was last November. Guess who"s husband gave her four boxes of candy/chocolates for Christmas?!

I do not push this on my family (well, that's a little fib, I do try to get the girls to try fruits and veggies-that's always a battle and urge them to make healthy choices, but I don't want them to feel like they need to "diet" or that I'm depriving them of the things they love or they'll be trying to sabotage me, too). I buy things for myself keep it separate from their snacks and goodies, and try to make yummy, balanced meals that don't appear to be "diet". I have gotten to where I am pretty private about my success or lack of.

Youw ill be put in situations where there is food you shouldn't eat like at parties...just don't have any.

Totally this!!